SO U MOVING TO HSTNGS! PACK A AMPULE OF ANTIVENOM AND A FACK FULL OF EMINEM

hooray we all die together

hey did I tell you guys that my parents are buying a vacation home in Vero Beach, FL and I am trying to Jedi Mind Trick them into giving me my own key

important thread: THIS STUFF WILL BURY US AND THEN WE WILL ALL DIE: neverending winter commiseration thread

i was supposed to go to hawaii last week but you know baby etc. i will have my revenge

we had many grandiose travel plans and then we met with an adoption agency who basically said "a realistic adoption budget is $35K"

I mean seriously, they wonder why more kids aren't adopted; maybe if it DIDN'T COST MORE THAN WHAT 40% OF AMERICANS MAKE AS A YEARLY INCOME

on the plus side, after that you get to pay the equivalent of a private college education for day care, so really its a win win

going to teach my kid not to eat

yeah basically this is pretty much First World Problems but fuck it, they are genuine problems

the whole adoption process already feels like society punishing you for a quirk of biology (can't get knocked up like a careless teen? well then you have to fill out these forms, have someone inspect your home, write essentially a dating profile filled with pictures of how awesome you are so you can hope to match with a birth mother, then pay for that birth mother's medical bills and legal fees in addition to traveling to the birth mother's home so you can "get to know her" and paying the agencies facilitating all of this shitloads of money) with the end result basically being "congrats on your baby, you get to pay it all again if you want another one oh and btw now you have all of the expenses of a new parent; ENJOY"

not that I am angry/frustrated about this or anything

yeah i imagine that shit is infuriating

got a haircut yesterday and made the mistake of telling the lady doing it that i had a kid on the way, which led to 45 minutes of her giving me the inside scoop on how to scam free baby formula from my doctor and force my friends to give me money instead of clothes by lying to them and claiming that we aren't going to find out what the kids sex is ahead of time. plz note: during this she was not actually cutting my hair.

oh there was also the "did you know that you can get a free breast pump because of OBAMACARE" *exaggerated eyeroll*

yikes

I just look at how much it costs now for a kid to go to a school like Harvard compared to where it was when I went and then I think about how much money we will have spent just HAVING A CHILD and it's basically like "my dear child, have you heard of the University of Phoenix? you could get your degree at your own pace as you valet cars for wealthy families"

Hopefully we will someday all live in the same city. I will pay your children minimum wage to clean my apartment and do my laundry. Tips for no sassing.

Seriously though, I knew adoption was expensive, but jesus christ.

holy crap 55K

you can do it cheaper through the state but you are then dealing with a birth mother population much more prone to having next to zero pre-natal care and a high incidence of drug and alcohol abuse, leading to a lot of increased risk for the health of the child you plan to adopt, plus if you do the "foster to adoption" plan you basically run the risk of becoming strongly attached to a child that you have no legal rights to and can be pulled from your house by the state for pretty much any reason running the gamut from "keeping the birth family together" to "social worker grossly misunderstands a situation" as documented here

also here's a fun fact; as of this year the "tax loophole" of being able to deduct adoption expenses from your income for tax purposes was removed, making the whole process even more in the province of those who either do absolutely nothing or have ridiculous amounts of money

just got a quote back from a daycare center and 3 times a week is going to cost me $1K per month

that sucks

OTOH, assuming 4 weeks/month, you are paying around $83/day, which is a lot lower than I would have expected

i think it's $75 a day, using the 4.5 weeks per month method

which yes is the most reasonable non-rathole i have found, but still man, no more new game systems for this guy for 6 years or so.

i hear you have to feed these things too. and take their waste away. it's a con

have you thought about drawing up a budget for kid expenses and starting to save for them now, and then when the kid comes instead of drawing on that saved pile of money, just start putting into the kid expenses and use the earlier pile as seed money for college fund/investments/emergency cash?

my main plan is to just blow money like it aint no thing on stuff so i have all the cool stuff i want prior to kid arrival. and then not let them touch any of it.

oh my dad did that, it tends to end in tears (and in one spectacular case, broken modems)

Note: I did NOT go on the deck today.

I probably should not have gotten out of bed. I'm tired.

deX, that cost is ridiculous and I want to freaking strangle someone over that. I am probably too old to offer to surrogate now (ha, like I wasn't two years ago, but still, you are one of the few I would consider it for).

John - can't you just take the baby to work with you and let Henry watch it? PS I have a gift for your baby already, but will also give you cash or diapers as a new baby gift. I remember how aggravated I was when someone gave me a pink blanket with "JULIA" on it when J was born. I already had ten trillion baby blankets. And that one was VERY Julia-specific (i.e. not re-giftable or returnable).

ALSO - congrats on becoming an uncle today to John, too!

there's got to be a way to monetize these babies

apparently there is, just not in my favor

Also, don't worry about savings. I'll send yr kids these:
http://img3.etsystatic.com/000/0/5749271/il_fullxfull.223664547.jpg
I'll even put dimes in them.

A whole DOLLAR!!!

hey guys,

If you have any pics of J and me where we aren't guzzling booze or looking incredibly smashed, could you send them to us, sooner rather than later if possible?

thanking u

I will dig through them tonight, but I am not sure my pics of you meet those qualifications. Text me on Sat or Sun if I haven't emailed you anything.

hey so as of two minutes ago my folks officially own property in Vero Beach

start searching for Orlando flights now

See y'all in Florida!

I'm sure your father won't mind having us all as winter residents, right?

My kids are old enough to be trained to wait on us all, btw.

How are their bartending skills? These rum drinks won't just make themselves.

Also there are only two bedrooms, but it's FL so sleeping in the yard can be seen as a fun bonus adventure!

Big bugs and alligators, dudes - let's go!

P.S. I thought you hated rum.

P.P.S. They are fast learners.

rum is gross outside of beach situations/frozen drinks

So I guess I will train them for margaritas then.

I think I've adopted a new favorite phrase.

"rum is gross outside of beach situations"
-roast beef

Some terrifyingly conservative dude just followed me on Twitter

say hi to ph1l h41b3rg for me

Lolling so hard

oh dear, what is the handle and should I look at it and lol?

I follow tons of crazy people.

But John is SO RIGHT about ph1l. He's super annoying, too.

Worse than me, even!

yayyyy moving to mpls in june. did not plan on two years in yr town. just long enough that now i'll actually miss some people, hrmph.

We will have badass times

i am badly in need of those!

oh dear, what is the handle and should I look at it and lol?

It's this guy:

https://twitter.com/MarkRMatthews

as far as I can tell he gives zero lols, whereas IA Senator Chuck Grassley is surprisingly funny

So I should follow Grassley?

I believe Herman Cain to be the funniest Republican on the planet.

This is why you should follow Grassley:

http://gawker.com/5971006/the-15-most-powerful-chuck-grassley-tweets-of-2012