TO MOLLIFY LINGJACKSON OVERDRIVEBERT WHO IS THE SQUEAKY DESERT FIEND, POST ON THIS THREAD AND ONE OF YOUR FRIENDLY ITR MODS WILL TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE WICKED AWESOME, AND POSSIBLY OFFER AN EFFUSIVE ST

Not to worry; Dan has kind of a classic HSTNGS one that he's posted elsewhere on ILE. I'm sure he'll link to it if you ask him to.

"new day" bump

my favorite Dan story will probably always be the one about J031 and her college roommate.

ok here's my gross story:
a few years ago my best friend had this crazy girl move in with her. the girl was never around, was a nutjob when she was around, and pretty quickly it became apparent she wasn't intending on paying rent -ever. she'd disappeared for weeks, so my friend decided to dump all her stuff outside. in the course of doing this she discovered all manner of revolting things:
-the girl had been using her bedside table as an ashtray
-there were rotting bags of KFC stashed under her bed
-there were various items of clothing containing very old vomit
-there were a ton of used tampons throughout her draws

oh, and to add to this, my friend also found that this girl had taken a bunch of my friend's stuff without asking - CDs, makeup, clothes.

my friend has had a bad run of roommates in the past - she also had a guy who one day decided to paint the bathroom with his shit.

Dan has many classic stories, and the one I'm thinking of is, I think, grosser than the ones you shared, Rubyredd. (But still, I am never going to wish I had had roommates outside of college again! Jeez.)

Is the one about J031's roommate the masturbation one, jessie? That thread never fails to crack me up. Poor J031.

i'm stuck at work and bored. give me links!

How do you reassure your spouse after said spouse has shared a bed with a masturbating college friend without dissolving into a fit of hysterical laughter?

I just want you to know that my first attempt at finding that thread involved me typing "Dan Perry" and "masturbating" into the search engine and then thinking OMG WHAT DID I JUST DO.

And then the thread I wanted didn't show up, but a whole bunch of other ones did.

I'm pretty sure I need a shower now.

To be fair, none of the threads really seemed to be about what I searched for, but STILL.

I'm honestly not sure how to find the menstruation story. I know it was on a Hastings thread at one point, and I think it was originally on a thread about hometowns...

Here it is. You can thank Dan, Hastings, and the Google for this. (Or blame them, whichever.)

Imagine, if you will, a winter party filled with drunken high school kids. Things being what they are in Hastings, a guy I will call Chuck decided that the perfect time to show off the brand new truck that his parents bought him. He and his best friend, whom I will call Gene, arrived at the party and were a big hit. Everyone was admiring Chuck's truck, including a girl I will call Harriet. Now, Harriet and Gene had had some level of attraction before, but had never done anything about it. At this party, however, there was the right level of booze to make them both feel that they needed to take their relationship to the next level. They both disappeared after a while, but there was so much booze and carousing going on that no one noticed they were gone until Gene wandered into the kitchen. He looked HORRIBLE; everyone thought he'd been beaten up or had fallen head-first into something. He had a drunken grin and his face and wouldn't tell people what had happened to him, but he had blood all over his face and shirt. No one could figure out what had happened until Eve staggered in the front door, hair all askew and buttoning up her jeans. Chuck stared at her, then at Gene, who was looking at Eve all goofily. Chuck then made a remarkable intuitive leap, grabbed Gene by the shoulders and began shaking him. "TELL ME YOU DIDN'T GO DOWN ON HER IN MY TRUCK!" he shouted. Gene could only giggle. No amount of cleaning could get Eve's menstrual smell out of the upholstery, which meant that Chuck was forced to spend the next two months driving around with his windows down. This wouldn't normally be that big of a deal, but this party happened in early January.

The next day, Gene was extraordinarily pleased with himself until he looked in the mirror.

-- Dan Perry

oh shit i HAVE read that before on ilx! but here's my question: if the 'menstrual smell' was that bad, why the hell was this guy so pleased with himself?

also: the roommate orgasm thread is A+++++

xpost I guess he was drunk...?

Also, I don't know - I was away at college and therefore missed the party Dan is writing about. I don't even know who he's referring to! I think this is a Good Thing.

I just remember that the girl was S4r4h W4lsh.

*so thankful to not know who that is*

3 hours later bump (still reading textbooks, very geeky!)

saturday night hi sara bump

Hi lxy!

I am in desperate need of a snack. And about 10 more hours per day.

Snack = pita bread, hummus, dark chocolate, skim milk

Now I'm going to sleep

good night bump!!!

hello sara and lxy, good night bump

hallo sara, lxy, estela, good night bump ditto

bump beth ditto?

you are the narrator, remy (hello)

oh hi remy and estela and good night from me too. xox

just got home from work bump

you guys are always asleep by the time i get home from the restaurant :(

i am still awake but only barely

jergins you never got back to us with details on that fight at your work. what was the fight about?

o yeah. they hired a new lady next door and she got sat down with her training manuals on friday. i guess she spent a couple hours on what should have taken 30 minutes to read. when the boss asked what the holdup was, the lady told her that there were coded CIA messages in the manuals and was she concerned about eavesdropping. the boss told her get out, and then the lady through punches and the boss shoved her out onto the street where we saw her come out, disheveled, asking for cops.

it ended up being sad more than anything else because who knows if she'll get any mental health treatment beyond three hots and a cot. at the time though it was high exciting drama. none of us like the boss next door so we were rooting for her to get cuffed and frogmarched. does that seem mean? she's not a nice person.

through the ordeal customers and dancers walking by were comically quizzical. lol @ this high-class instition with a half-dozen cops and a lady in handcuffs standing around with the red and blue lights.

wow that's BIZARRE. nothing that exciting ever happens where i work!

not exactly a good reaction on the boss' part - telling the woman to leave immediately. she could have gone about it a better way.

one last bump before i go sleep

Sunday morning, I'm going back to sleep bump

three hour bump

people i expect to see @ lunch today:

ned, jbr, adamrl, nickn, max r, jeff treppel, elvis telecom, felicity, roger mexico

Wow, awesome! Have fun!

I am going ICE SKATING this afternoon with my family. Hopefully I will not fall and break my neck.

at a pond or a rink?

At an indoor rink. I prefer to skate in a controlled environment (i.e. at least there is no wind).

If you never hear back from me, I probably fell into the wall or something.

trying to psych myself up for big essay-writing day BUMP

i think sara fell into the wall

NOPE

But thanks for your concern.

I think I want to waste all my Sunday afternoons ice skating from now on.

I probably can't ice skate ;__;

i am, to the best of my knowledge, unable to ice skate

i was timid on ice.

i have always wanted to wear ice skates at a roller rink

and visa-versa

(my front yard growing up was a frequently-frozen pond)

John, you live in Minnesota; that is ridiculous. (You were a deprived child!)

Also, there's no doubt in my mind that both of you could easily learn. Alex, who is my super-cautious kid, learned; so can you.

There are plenty of places to ice skate in the Cities, John. Go try it.

remy, you could try it!

estela - it just takes practice...