I would EXCELSIOR, but I haven't got a ZING to LOL

I would rather not go
Back to the old lols
I would rather not go
Back to the old lols
There's too many bad parodies
Too many parodies there

― shout-out to his family (DJP), Wednesday, October 28, 2020 2:35 PM (one hour ago)

i'm certain this one is good

Lols and zings are on your side

but snide is on mine

how you took a child, and you made him LOL

tonight i'm going to lol you tonight

Personally I'm a three wolf moon voter.

Also today I learned Glenn Greenwald's middle name

― Anaïs Ninja (Ye Mad Puffin), Thursday, October 29, 2020 4:41 PM (three minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

is it Gary

― frogbs, Thursday, October 29, 2020 4:41 PM (three minutes ago

osamathumbsup.jpg

lol

always be clinking

vg+

https://i.ibb.co/2q03wGH/Screen-Shot-2020-10-31-at-10-11-21.png

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L397TWLwrUU

I had to

Also breaking the law by posting something funny in the excelsior thread

Tier 1 is "very important to let it spread", so, let it spread.

Haven’t you heard, there are no more tiers. That’s Johnson baby

isn't Johnson also the manufacturer of Toilet Duck?

Toilet Duct.

S C Johnson, a family company actually.

Man why don't y'all cool out, listen to some Teddy Ruxpin

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Saturday, October 31, 2020 5:30 PM (five minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

I hereby give this EXCELSIOR AWARD for the POSTING OF A FUNNY COMMENT to ilx poster: NEAMBERTHAL! good job, dude

This is like luriqua posting after a stint at the Betty Ford clinic

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Saturday, October 31, 2020 6:59 PM (one minute ago) bookmarkflaglink

drug addiction LOL! Neanberthal is ON FIRE tonight! wink.PNG

Loved this, good striking imagery too

cointelamateur (m bison)
Posted: 1 November 2020 at 22:54:19
like this is some poochie had to go back to his home planet levels of public embarrassment, you just need to hang it the fuck up, get a yurt somewhere and figure some shit out

Guayaquil (eephus!)
Posted: November 1, 2020 at 6:44:21 PM
If Trump wins again Marcus can write a book called DIPSHIT RACIST: A SECRET HISTORY OF THE 21st CENTURY

lmao

If Osama Bin Laden had an “R” next to his name he’d get 35-40 pct of the vote I reckon

― Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 4 November 2020 12:12 (thirty-four minutes ago) link

He loves guns and believes in the church

― Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Wednesday, 4 November 2020 12:12 (thirty-three minutes ago) link

...

unfortunately his name does rhyme with "obama"

― it bangs for thee (Simon H.), Wednesday, 4 November 2020 12:18 (twenty-eight minutes ago)

vg+

this bump

Life Without Buildings

and then ufo's coup de grace

lol

Why is there a karaoke version of Juno?!

Lol This reads like part of a Star Wars film opening crawl:
(via CNN)

“ Entrenched at the White House with no public events on his schedule, Trump has personally dispatched advisers to battlegrounds across the country hoping to wage legal battle in places where the margins remain tight. Despite skepticism about the efficacy of his strategy, Trump has remained intent on waging a prolonged fight, viewing it as his only option.”

― SQUIRREL MEAT!! (Capitaine Jay Vee), Thursday, November 5, 2020 11:52 AM (six minutes ago)

lol

― Patriotic Goiter (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Thursday, November 5, 2020 11:53 AM (six minutes ago)

he's gonna make the best deal between the trade federation and naboo

― Blues Guitar Solo Heatmap (Free Download) (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Thursday, November 5, 2020 11:58 AM (one minute ago)

was just coming here for that reason

omg @ that Life Without Buildings mashup, wow

Okay so I shared a screenshot of Jay Vee's post on Twitter and someone ran with it

https://starwarsintrocreator.kassellabs.io/#!/CMLP0f7hYvBSBqWj_Xwu

lol

the pan down to the incomplete Death Star is *chef's kiss*

"You have failed me for the last time, Parscale!"

star wars

it's a bit early in the week for SNL, no?

SNL = Starwars No Lol ?

Some nerd laughs

secondhand Ned lark

let me have this

Sh@kedown Needs Lolz

I do!

lol ok fine

epistantophus
Posted: November 5, 2020 at 7:27:57 PM

_I feel like this is a Twilight Zone ep where we keep being told moer voets, and moer voets are coming, and the voets never come, and nobody ever wins, and nobody ever loses, and we are perennially in this election forever as time becomes a loop_

Every day they will count exactly half the remaining votes.

But the follow-up is key:

Every day they will count exactly half the remaining votes.

― epistantophus

trump, putting the zeno in xenophobia

― like, I’m eating an elephant head (katherine)

Haha I was just copying that and getting ready to paste it but I’m too slow on my phone.

Follow-up was a fucking masterstroke, well done katherine!

It really is an epic one-two punch of excelsiority and I am not sure how it can be bested in our lifetimes

It really is an epic one-two punch of excelsiority and I am not sure how it can be bested in our lifetimes

Close thread

fabulous

The smile was broad at that one

Biden up 5k in PA

Whoops, apologies, but lol anyway

antici

― reggie (qualmsley), Thursday, November 5, 2020 2:05 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

(900+ posts later)

PAtion

― reggie (qualmsley), Friday, November 6, 2020 9:34 AM (thirty-nine minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

can we have a separate US Election excelsior thread please

pip pip

imago doing a half-decent markers impersonation

Abolish the Excelsior Police

lol it as you see it

if we're doing this can we also get a separate obituary thread for the "stars" of british sitcoms, it feels like four people named ian craig-fellows who were in "bosom manor" and "the postmaster general" die every week

Not Ian Craig-Fellows!!

Losing my shit at “bosom manor”

an essay by w makepeace thackeray

if we're doing this can we also get a separate obituary thread for the "stars" of british sitcoms, it feels like four people named ian craig-fellows who were in "bosom manor" and "the postmaster general" die every week

― na (NA), Friday, November 6, 2020 8:04 AM (forty-four minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Legit crying tears over 'Bosom Manor'

I watched Bosom Manor with my parents on PBS every week ... don't laugh!

I came back and saw my own post and then saw your post and now I'm crying laughing again.

it is fantastic

Aide: Four Seasons booked for press conference
Giuliani: Yeah, I'd like to suck on some of that!
Aide: o_O
<Rudy follows GPS, realizes it's Four Seasons Landscaping and not Four Seasons Hotel>
Giuliani: Noooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Saturday, November 7, 2020

playin the hits

giving thanks for 'bosom manor'

Genuinely can't tell if this is sarcasm.

I’m so looking forward to coming back to an America free of harsh words and name calling and be amongst people who I know have common ground and harmony. It’s a challenge but it can be done!
— Mick Jagger (@MickJagger) November 7, 2020

― but also fuck you (unperson), Saturday, November 7, 2020 4:50 PM (four minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

but what's puzzling you is the nature of his game

― treeship., Saturday, November 7, 2020 4:53 PM

hahahahahaha way to go treesh!

As I wrote in the celebration thread, I hope every day that he pulls a Bud Dwyer.

― healthy cocaine off perfect butts (the table is the table), Sunday, November 8, 2020 7:41 AM (fifty minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

With a golf club.

― pomenitul, Sunday, November 8, 2020 7:42 AM (forty-nine minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

that's why I say "hey man, nice putt"

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Sunday, November 8, 2020 7:58 AM (thirty-three minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

hahahaha

quality filter lol

Elsewhere I recall reading 15 million doses for the US market by end-2020. I anticipate we'll have stories about black market vaccines (diverted from health care workers and retirement homes) by February.

― Advanced Doomscroller (Sanpaku), Monday, November 9, 2020 9:05 AM (one minute ago) bookmarkflaglink

AHEM

AFRICAN-AMERICAN market vaccines, THANK YOU

― DJP, Monday, November 9, 2020 9:06 AM

lol

I’m not a fan of the trump administration but there’s no need to go full big pharma libertarian in response to this news. Big pharma is a hugely subsidised and morally bankrupt industry.

― 𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Monday, November 9, 2020 7:25 AM (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

If the government buying stuff that doesn’t exist and hasn’t been tested isn’t a public private partnership then I don’t know what is.

I think this is called a kickstarter

― Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Monday, November 9, 2020 7:38 AM (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

It's like Amanda Palmer but a vaccine

― Guayaquil (eephus!), Monday, November 9, 2020 7:39 AM (two hours ago)

good streak

"There could be a million Americans dead by then under his watch" ok, yeah, probably not; maybe tamper down the hyperbole a bit Mary.

https://i.imgur.com/ba8bRwL.png

we are at around 1000 deaths a day again, on average, and it's only going to go up, unless half the country suddenly realizes that they're fucking morons. we are about 70 days away from inauguration day. that's 700,000 additional deaths, plus the ~230K deaths that have already occurred.

so yeah, there could be a million Americans dead by then.

― @oneposter(✔️) (Karl Malone), Monday, November 9, 2020 3:56 PM bookmarkflaglink

i've had to convince myself to stop monitoring it so often today cos I'll be back in the morass I was before the election. but it's hard

xpost that would be 70,000 deaths

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Monday, November 9, 2020 3:57 PM bookmarkflaglink

oh wait, i don't know math and i suck. 70* 1000 is 70 fucking thousand

sorry. and tone down that hyperbole mary!

― @oneposter(✔️) (Karl Malone), Monday, November 9, 2020 3:58 PM bookmarkflaglink

this is where i pivot to video

― @oneposter(✔️) (Karl Malone), Monday, November 9, 2020 3:58 PM bookmarkflaglink

what a disaster for basic month

I did in fact lol at that, kudos KM

what a disaster for basic month

? i believe this was supposed to be basic math.

always good to call half the country "fucking morons" before being way off on basic month

A basic month is one that drinks pumpkin spice lattes and wears Uggs, right?

november is so basic

the Tuesday of months

Evan
Posted: 10 November 2020 at 00:09:56

With glassy eyes he looked up helplessly at the advisor “Trump... ...lose?”
Now the advisor is getting teary
“Yes sweetie. Trump lose, trump lose...”

burrito emailed me under his other account, del griffith during the election, only to send one email that said "poop", and the second one said "pewp"

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Wednesday, November 11, 2020 1:30 PM bookmarkflaglink

a mix between Brexit and Q with the swagger of dying from Covid-19

― Blues Guitar Solo Heatmap (Free Download) (upper mississippi sh@kedown), Wednesday, 11 November 2020 20:13 (forty-six minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

ahahahaha

let go in the sense that yes, people have been banned for personal harassment on ILX in the past and the people involved probably don't want to get into again.

Two people in 10 years?

― Boring blighters bloaters (Tom D.), Wednesday, November 11, 2020 6:04 PM (one minute ago) bookmarkflaglink

That's a one shit poster every 5 year average

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Wednesday, November 11, 2020 6:05 PM (one minute ago) bookmarkflaglink

can a mod get that pls

NB that only one of those people was in Little River Band in the 1980s, and for the last 22 years it has contained no original or success-era or Australian members

― @oneposter (⛰️) (sic), Wednesday, November 11, 2020 4:36 PM bookmarkflaglink

Hey, take it easy on them.

― mouts and shurmurs (Ye Mad Puffin), Wednesday, November 11, 2020 4:42 PM bookmarkflaglink

That's hilarious. At least Foghat still have their drummer.

― Three Rings for the Elven Bishop (Dan Peterson), Wednesday, November 11, 2020 4:43 PM bookmarkflaglink

lol

Chris Marion – keyboards, vocals (2004–present)
Rich Herring – guitar, vocals (2006–present)
Ryan Ricks – drums, vocals (2012–present)
Colin Whinnery – guitar, vocals (2018–present)

the other guy was a hired bassist from 1980-96, who was rehired as lead singer when a similarly longtime hired guitarist got the URL transferred to his ownership from the founding guitarist in the year 2000; he then sued the original members for using "the voices of the Little River Band" on their posters in Australia.

― @oneposter (⛰️) (sic), Wednesday, November 11, 2020 4:47 PM bookmarkflaglink

So much drama in the LRB...

― "what are you DOING to fleetwood mac??" (C. Grisso/McCain), Wednesday, November 11, 2020 5:52 PM bookmarkflaglink

Enjoying this hip hop-centric run of lols

Hey so there is a dead body found on my street. Three doors away. Cops taking photos, have it covered with a sheet
― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Thursday, November 12, 2020 11:12 AM (seven hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

I just so happen to be moving today but my heart is racing a bit. It clearly happened while i was sleeping
― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Thursday, November 12, 2020 11:12 AM (seven hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

SURE it did
― @oneposter (⛰️) (sic), Thursday, November 12, 2020 11:56 AM (seven hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

Lol yea

neutral zone infraction

77 lulz

Lost one election and it turned all his hair gray.

― but also fuck you (unperson), Friday, November 13, 2020 4:04 PM (eighteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

his pubes all fell out too

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Friday, November 13, 2020 4:05 PM (seventeen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

when pressed for comment, Wolf only replied "I will treat you well, my sweet angel, so help me Jesus"

― Lover of Nixon (or LON for short) (Neanderthal), Friday, November 13, 2020 4:14 PM (eight minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Motherfuck you are funny, Neanderthal.

wkiw Neanderthal

this reduced me to tears

raccoons are filthy trash eaters by nature though, that is the way God made them. it's better they eat fresh hotdogs and disease-free grapes from the hand of a kindly old man than get their garbage foods from dumpsters full of hypodermic needles and used condoms like they normally do
― the burrito that defined a generation, Friday, 13 November 2020 2:21 PM (three days ago)

we have a couple racoons nearby but make sure the condoms they eat are unused
― early-Woolf semantic prosody (Hadrian VIII), Friday, 13 November 2020 2:28 PM (three days ago)

city raccoons need all the nutrition they can get though. maybe just empty the useds into a saucer and set it out for them a few nights a year as a special treat, on holidays or whatever
― the burrito that defined a generation, Friday, 13 November 2020 2:34 PM (three days ago)

Good idea I really hadn't though of that, but what are what my cats going to eat now?
― early-Woolf semantic prosody (Hadrian VIII), Friday, 13 November 2020 2:41 PM (three days ago)

gonna sound like a broken record here but I've found pretty much all animals can and will eat human cum if given the opportunity
― the burrito that defined a generation, Friday, 13 November 2020 2:49 PM (three days ago)

Fine but you’re talking like I live in some kind of cum factory.
― early-Woolf semantic prosody (Hadrian VIII), Friday, 13 November 2020 2:53 PM (three days ago)

perhaps a cum factory lives in you
― it bangs for thee (Simon H.), Friday, 13 November 2020 2:55 PM (three days ago)

listen I feel like this thread has maybe gotten too personal? I'd like to just focus on the raccoons
― the burrito that defined a generation, Friday, 13 November 2020 2:58 PM (three days ago)

xp That's what my dad told me as a boy. I guess I just stopped believing.
― early-Woolf semantic prosody (Hadrian VIII), Friday, 13 November 2020 2:58 PM (three days ago)

i am sometimes reduced to tears by human cum

-Leonard Cohen

- Journey, surely

Don't stop excretin'

Hold on to that semen

Stories Of The Skeet

So now I come to you with jizz in a box
Nothing to hide, believe what I say
So here I am, with jizz in a box
Hoping you'll see what your love means to me
penis tears

Lovin' Touchin' Jizzin'

When the pants
Go down
In the citay

Gentrification is when the tacos cost more than the heroin

― is right unfortunately (silby), Wednesday, 18 November 2020 22:52 (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

lol, truthbomb, and implied striking imagery

the ilx hat-trick

omg silby

i mean seriously put that on a billboard in the mission

I calls em as I sees em

A+

grand work

somebody get the narcos
somebody spark the blunt
let's start the Tacos off at episode one

in awe

Honestly didn’t think I was being that witty, table table set it up I was just using ingredients

it's ok, "Blowin' In The Wind" was written in < 10 mins

Ftr, I thought it was very funny, and made my own sly little joke about Philly right after.

ie- it's definitely a city where one can eat at one of the better restaurants in the US and then go buy heroin off some dude in a trap house two blocks away.

that must do wonders for its walkability score!

Ideally we'd get an idea as to whether the heroin was also decent tbh

Artisanal, farm-to-table, organic heroin

my neighbor gets her heroin delivered. not contactless delivery though.

I opt for pick-up, at the local Subway

this all feels a bit too much like a reverse foxworthy

"If you carry two boxes of Narcan marked 'A.M.' and 'P.M.' in your pickup truck, then you might possibly be..."

I've been thinking about that silby line for the last two days

Make sure to cite me if you write a thinkpiece based on it.

maybe man alive is just hungry

or maybe I'm jonesing

Keeping up with the jonesings rly

Isn’t that Jones & Co, the fusion restaurant near the old dockyards?

Gop Will Eat Itself.

― Stoop Crone (Trayce), Sunday, November 22, 2020 9:20 PM bookmarkflaglink

GOP Will Eat Itself Cure For Hannity

Just want to point out I posted that particular play on words three years ago but I will give Trayce the win because she's not the one who everyone has killfiled.

okay imago, I mean Old Lunch

lol

TBH I did think when I posted it "I'm preeety sure someone's said this before? eh oh well"

Now we've got mink zombies to deal with.

― ILXceptionalism (Tom D.), Thursday, November 26, 2020 4:27 AM (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

i believe you’ll find they prefer the term “nosfurrati”

― Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand), Thursday, November 26, 2020 4:30 AM (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

(xp) Nosferretu surely?

― ILXceptionalism (Tom D.), Thursday, November 26, 2020 4:38 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

well if you’re using the singular

― Li'l Brexit (Tracer Hand)

#onethread
#oneheart
- Jacob Marley

― velcro-magnon (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, December 1, 2020 12:49 PM (thirty-four minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Jah Humbug!

― You will notice a small sink where your sofa once was. (Old Lunch), Tuesday, December 1, 2020 12:52 PM (thirty-two minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

hahahaha a+

will need sarahell to confirm if marley's ghost ever said Humbug in the source material before i lol

VAR

when I played Marley's ghost in a middle school production of ACC, I mostly shrieked wordlessly at him or wailed, you could say

Imagine a Linda Perry/Steve Tyler screech duet

― DJP, Wednesday, December 2, 2020 9:18 AM bookmarkflaglink

i love that this poll is on ile

― mellon collie and the infinite bradness (BradNelson), Wednesday, December 2, 2020 9:20 AM bookmarkflaglink

Finally, a Tyler Perry that white people can understand.

― pplains, Wednesday, December 2, 2020 10:00 AM bookmarkflaglink

Ha. I once used "Tyler/Perry's 'Dude (Looks Like a Lady)'" as a display name -- thinking of Joe Perry in that case.

I was getting ready to post about how I was tired of 95% of excelsiors being puns/wordplay, but Jacob Marley - Jah Humbug is ace.

aren't jokes inherently wordplay to some degree

sometimes it's just being really fucking mean to someone

those are called "pranks bro"

World cup wind-ups

aren't jokes inherently wordplay to some degree

i had a very serious discussion about comedy with my neighbor and best friend down the street, when i was 6 or 7. back in the days when it made a lot of sense that your best friend just happened to live next to you.

he was always telling "jokes", and would ask me to tell "jokes". jokes as in "a 5-year-old walks into a bar..." etc etc. i told him (this part is serious, i remember it) that the kind of jokes i liked better were like -- i didn't understand "situational" or "physical" -- someone slipping on a banana peel

and in a way i still feel like that

would definitely support more EXCELSIORS featuring people falling over

or penguins

we need a bit more sophistication like people falling over penguins

or people stumbling over tricky passages in penguin classics

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SuhMtBHc5Z0

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63rcdLeXiU8

It's a pity lex checked out before he saw the real potential of ilx comedy

Last president to ok a guillotining iirc so

― spruce springclean (darraghmac), Wednesday, December 2, 2020 2:26 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

more men shd be called valery

― mark s, Wednesday, December 2, 2020 2:26 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

A lot of them are in Russia.

― ILXceptionalism (Tom D.), Wednesday, December 2, 2020 2:28 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

Most humane method of execution imho

― facebook post with 12 'likes' does not count as peer-reviewed research (Matt #2), Wednesday, December 2, 2020 2:31 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

Living in Russia?

― discogs marketplace of ideas (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Wednesday, December 2, 2020 2:32 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

naw

Made me lol, sorry.

lolzhenitsyn

I would like to withdraw my nomination from the Excelsioscars, appreciated as it is, it's got the rhythm of a good joke but doesn't actually make any sense.

the tabes lol is the tabes lol

I will say this for Armond, he’s one of the few film critics my kids can name becz his reviews get trolled so much on social media.

― a man often referred to in the news media as the Duke of Saxony (tipsy mothra), Thursday, December 3, 2020 1:47 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

My kids have actually asked me, “What’s the deal with Armond White,” which is one of those parenting questions you’re never really ready for.

― a man often referred to in the news media as the Duke of Saxony (tipsy mothra), Thursday, December 3, 2020 1:48 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

you haven't had the talk yet?

― early-Woolf semantic prosody (Hadrian VIII), Thursday, December 3, 2020 3:49 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

"When a man hates a critic very much ..."

Are you playing games here? Cabinet level officials are nominated by the president, and are subject to senate confirmation. But the senate can't appoint anyone. Only the president can.

― Respectfully Yours, (Aimless), Wednesday, December 9, 2020 2:09 PM (twenty-seven minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Sorry, yes, games. I am sometimes triggered by your relentless pedandtry.

― early-Woolf semantic prosody (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, December 9, 2020 2:13 PM (twenty-three minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

it's pedantry

― rob, Wednesday, December 9, 2020 2:17 PM (twenty minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

I knew what it would be before I even clicked. I approve (of pedantry in general).

The only thing that could've made it more beautiful is if rob had also misspelled pedantry.

Ped and try.

If you don't ped and try, then try, try again

Please stop attempting ped

Stop trying to make ped happen

walk away

Walk away softly, that's the pedi-cure

Droll

That's a real ped xing!

StDroll

pedophiles, the lot of you

it's paedophiles

Stop being so paedantic.

it's pædantic

I rewatched Avatar last night and it is both totally captivating and such egregious horseshit

― DJP, Sunday, December 13, 2020 4:01 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

^^ i've already said my piece all over this thread but this. it's also still the most effective example of theatrical 3D to date

― Larry Elleison (rogermexico.), Monday, December 14, 2020 11:38 AM (nine hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

It still cracks me up that the primary theme of the movie is "got a problem? CONNECT IT TO YOUR SPACE DICK"

― DJP, Monday, December 14, 2020 11:52 AM

Play Bobby Dylan, play Murder Most Foul
You're still playing it, it takes round an hour

― loose Orwellian mobs (rob), Tuesday, December 15, 2020 9:09 AM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

so true

Seems like there must be a host of movies whose central problem could be solved with googling.

― Josh in Chicago, Saturday, 19 December 2020 13:55 (thirteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

certainly Google would have saved all that time looking for the Maltese Falcon

― Uptown Top Scamping (Noodle Vague), Saturday, 19 December 2020 13:56 (twelve minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

could've checked the seller rating too

― Uptown Top Scamping (Noodle Vague), Saturday, 19 December 2020 13:57 (twelve minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Thats five star stuff imo

https://lmgtfy.app/?q=who+is+keyser+soze

Sorry for the insider I Love Hoops joke, but it's too good not to offer:

Kawhi Leonard, referencing his own potential free agency, said he's "just focused on this season."

Added that: "If I stay healthy, the best decision is to decline the player option but it doesn't mean I'm staying or leaving."

— Andrew Greif (@AndrewGreif) December 21, 2020

oh ok

― reggae mike love (polyphonic)

bored man gets paid

― the serious avant-garde universalist right now (forksclovetofu)

I got that one!

feel like some people know it as the

*heart in a blender song
*the 'beautiful oblivion' song
*the 'rendezvous then I'm through with you' song
*the 'terrible' song

― Looking for Cape Penis house (Neanderthal), Thursday, December 24, 2020 5:16 AM

It’s not that terrible. As a kid I liked it because it had the word “rendezvous” and a few other long words.

― treeship., Thursday, December 24, 2020 5:18 AM

you must have *loved* Bad Religion

― Looking for Cape Penis house (Neanderthal), Thursday, December 24, 2020 5:20 AM

this is one of those threads that I am too old to feel anything about. ... This is a good part of getting older.

early-Woolf semantic prosody (Hadrian VIII)
Posted: December 24, 2020 at 5:44:14 PM
merry merry ilx!

may your ribcage make for manger and your heart a throbbing Christ-baby

Seriously though who does not get amped hearing Gonna Fly Now

― Looking for Cape Penis house (Neanderthal), Saturday, December 26, 2020 6:34 PM (sixteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

...raises hand.

― Three Rings for the Elven Bishop (Dan Peterson), Saturday, December 26, 2020 6:35 PM (fifteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Gonna cry now

― Looking for Cape Penis house (Neanderthal), Saturday, December 26, 2020 6:36 PM (fourteen minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

lol

ain’t gonna fly now, he’s just takin up space /
threw his gloves - and his eggs - down the drain!

yeah users moving from tumblr to twitter is an underrated aspect of some of the more truly insane developments in the discourse

Tumblr porn ban truly underrated butterfly effect here

― scampish inquisition (gyac)

What furries hath we unleashed

― nob lacks, noirish (darraghmac)

schumer announced he was going to fire the sergeant at arms on inauguration day, so he put his 2 weeks in

― Karl Malone, Thursday, January 7, 2021 2:33 PM (one minute ago) bookmarkflaglink

there are two.

― 𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Thursday, January 7, 2021 7:35 PM (two seconds ago) bookmarkflaglink

i mean people have two arms so it makes sense

― dean bad (map)

two thumbs up

i just don't understand why there are two sergeant at arms

two chambers

excuse me there are 36 CHAMBERS

https://i.gifer.com/19Ia.gif

sergeant at arms coming out as bicameral

The Q-Shaman with the horned hat and face paint has been arrested in Phoenix, AZ.

― Jersey Al (Albert R. Broccoli), Saturday, 9 January 2021 18:16 (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

time to graduate from bovine university

― ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Saturday, 9 January 2021 18:17 (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

the guy with the zip ties was identified because of his expensive gear, works at Kid Rock's bar in Nashville (allegedly, obv) - https://imgur.com/gallery/vvxWvt5

― StanM, Saturday, January 9, 2021 10:34 AM (eleven hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

oh god no not a kid rock fan

― Uptown Top Scamping (Noodle Vague), Saturday, January 9, 2021 10:38 AM (eleven hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

Karl Malone
Posted: January 9, 2021 at 3:53:19 PM
no, i gotcha - it's not the most solid argument. but please, see some of my earlier, better arguments. i am more of a tracks poster than an album post

Is zip-tie guy the same guy who claimed to have just "found" a zip tie on the floor and picked it up, or is that a different guy?

different guy. that was an air force veteran. https://www.fox5dc.com/news/air-force-veteran-identified-as-capitol-rioter-carrying-zip-ties-on-senate-floor

this is the one I was talking about: https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/ktidad/zip_tie_guy_brought_his_mom_to_the_insurrection/

#onethread

#sameoldziptie

hitlr

― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Sunday, 10 January 2021 03:11 (two minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

if im a politician im investing in a normal guy costume about now
― lag∞n, Sunday, January 10, 2021 7:12 PM

hit up Kelly Loeffler's etsy

― shivers me timber (sic), Sunday, January 10, 2021 7:25 PM

Great callback to the Loeffler in jeans and checked "work" shirt twitter post.

From the US politics thread, a welcome diversion:

even their messages of contrition bear traces of someone who is obsessed with 5G conspiracy theories

― Karl Malone, Monday, 11 January 2021 18:41

Man if only the contrition bear were with us now

― Daz White (darraghmac), Monday, 11 January 2021 18:42

lol

i smiled at that at the time but still don't understand, lol. but it's ok, i don't need to understand

It reminded me of hearing "The Holly and the ivy" and wanting to see the Holly Bears.

Just enjoying the idea of an anthropomorphic contrition bear, sounds like something maybe the russian orthodox church has instead of idk the easter bunny or whatever

Karl: think dmac was having a play on your previous post

Karl Malone wrote this on thread And Sleepy Joe Will Get The Credit: US Politics January 2021 on board I Love Everything on Jan 11, 2021

even their messages of contrition bear traces of someone who is obsessed with 5G conspiracy theories

медведь раскаяния iirc.

heeey, macarena

Contrition Bear you take away the sins of the world (have mercy on us)
Contrition Bear you take away the sins of the world (have mercy on us)
Contrition Bear you take away the sins of the world (grant us peace)

Ask and you shall receive:

https://www.amazon.ca/Great-gift-celebrate-Sacrament-Reconciliation/dp/B0062QVQQS

Don't forget to put your notes of remorse under your pillow so the contrition bear will leave you a dollar reward, Billy

Paws for contemplation

The ichthys is a nice touch, very polysemous.

Art Bears similarly took their name from a passage in some old book which was using the verb form of bears

Does a bear fruit in the woods

When does the ritual begin?

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EKecB54UEAMioqV.jpg

https://www.ganduridinierusalim.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/calugari_monahi_ursi_animale.jpg

a kind ilxor has webmailed me and explained

reminds me of those terrible middle school days, when everyone always exploded in laughter when the teacher said some the word "dry", or "wet", or "hard", or "soft", and i didn't have any clue why anyone was laughing. except, imagine if back then a friend could text you and be like "dude, it's dry vaginas and hard penises, dude"

Certain passages not even that important, nonetheless it Bears repeating

it's like when I turn on the dawnzer and it gives off a lee light

Wait karl i literally explained as soon as you asked my man

What did your man say?

Well you know what your man is like sher

listen to what the amn says

you post contrition bear after you have filled a thread will jigglepandas

*with

1 Our Father, 3 Hail Marys, and 10 minutes in the cage with Contrition Bear

(It is also a Faraday cage to block Satan's 5g signal)

ITT we study the ways of our dear friend The Contrition Bear

bear say go in peace to me

https://media2.giphy.com/media/4iV6quWypxgcg/source.gif

Wild

oh contritionpaws

Contrition bear and his counterpart gigglepanda

I take it Will Jigglepandas is the Christopher Robin of the contrition bear mythos.

I always picture a little ursine figure frantically disco-dancing in his room when the Bee Gees sing "It's hard to bear..."

(the pathos of my imagery leaves the thread mute)

(bear thread left threadbare)

Tears pooling into ursine wells

@ Neanderthal - the "dawnzer" scene in whatever Ramona book is such a great evocation of childhood confusion about things.

Lol yes. I loved Ramona

Paws for contemplation

That made me snort in the car then I had to get into a whole a I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY IT'S FUNNY thing with my wife.

Contrition Bear also reminding me of Billy Connolly being confused at hymn practice when they sang about "Gladly the cross-eyed bear"

then I had to get into a whole a I CAN'T EXPLAIN WHY IT'S FUNNY thing with my wife.

This happens to me all the time.

The idea of hymn practice is amusing me rn.

Ach theres no new jokes only them deployed again right

Billy reading robbie burns came up last night when i was drifting off, oh it was nice

reminds me of those terrible middle school days, when everyone always exploded in laughter when the teacher said some the word "dry", or "wet", or "hard", or "soft", and i didn't have any clue why anyone was laughing. except, imagine if back then a friend could text you and be like "dude, it's dry vaginas and hard penises, dude"

in grade 4 my teacher got exasperated with everyone saying "just a sec! just a sec!" when she asked us to come to the round table. She stood up and yelled "NO MORE SECS!" and it was the best day of the year, even she was laughing

We had a big highlight one day when someone mentioned cats and the (redheaded) English teacher told us she had a "big ginger pussy" - looking back it probably wasn't the hysterical and unintentional slip we thought it was.

mrs_slocombe.jpg

.jpg

Tears pooling into ursine wells

― Ole Blueyes Solskjaer (darraghmac), Monday, January 11, 2021 4:28 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

F for Flag

God, the one that will always get me was when we learned how to make a salad in home ec in 7th grade, and our teacher— a 6'2" woman with immense hair who wore too much make-up named Mrs. Hazeltine— kept on going on and on about "this is how you toss a salad, toss the salad gently and with a lot of care" and it just became this thing where the boys would ask every week if we were going to be tossing salads in class and she would always ask incredulously, "why would we toss a salad today, boys?" It still makes me giggle.

have i mentioned how much i love this thread title

NSFW https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bear_Surprise

Now that reminds me of our classic bearotaur vs sharktopus thread

have i mentioned how much i love this thread title

― Two Meter Peter (Ste)

it is great, it's fun to say/think

/sing

i am the author of this thread title and i regret it because it is stuck in my head forever now

haha I def sing it to myself

local eire man (darraghmac) wrote this on thread everybody on ilx complains about reddit on board I Love Everything on 12-Jan-2015

but wouldnt it have been an honour a privilege

derail- first time ms mac met my best friend he got drunk and had to be driven home (several miles along some serious back roads in a pink seicento that was my carriage at the time) and every now and again hed wake up in the back and rear up into the front singing that couplet and on the fourth or fifth time she took off her shoe and rained several sincere thumps down upon his head and i thought youre the one for me fatty

<3

I hate the term 'gaslighting' because I can never remember what it means. I wish there was a good trick using the visual cues of gas and lighting to help me remember; but I can't find a memorable connection of the cues and "sowing seeds of doubt to manipulate a targeted individual/group".

― THE DON IS GONE (FlopsyDuck), Wednesday, 13 January 2021 14:53 (fifty-one minutes ago) link

never seen this term before, are you sure you're ok

― stylish but illegal (Simon H.), Wednesday, 13 January 2021 15:15 (twenty-nine minutes ago) link

lol

Open goal, but well struck.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.skysports.com%2Ffootball%2Fnews%2F11095%2F12184434%2Fmarine-0-5-tottenham-carlos-vinicius-hat-trick-sends-visitors-into-fa-cup-fourth-round&psig=AOvVaw2_bmwXt-gjwjQ2xgtPl4IL&ust=1610707879452000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCNjg6Mmgm-4CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAP

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.bordertelegraph.com%2Fsport%2Fnational_sport%2F19000994.fa-cup-a-lifesaver-marine-historic-run-ended-tottenham%2F&psig=AOvVaw2_bmwXt-gjwjQ2xgtPl4IL&ust=1610707879452000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCNjg6Mmgm-4CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAV

From the “DAAAAAWWWWWWctopus cute pics (no squid allowed)” thread:

Okay I know this isn't the right thread for it but I can't help falling in love with the banded piglet squid

🖼

it says no squid allowed right there in the thread title ffs

Yes and I am protesting that octonormative bigotry

Dammit, there should be an easier way to quote folks with credit in Zing

ok this, this is the nadir

Oh, _you’re_ a nadir.

precious, scarce

i liked "octonormative"

Usually the US politics thread just makes me cry but the string of posts after this embedded tweet really got me (esp M@tt):

Enough With The Cutesy Titles, People Are Dead: US Politics January 2021 pt 2

All kicking off at Leamington. Mike McGrath sent off for Kettering after a physical altercation with the referee , took it out on the changing room then decided that wasn't enough is tried to get back on the pitch to have another go at the ref before the stewards got control and gave him to the police.

― Well *I* know who he is (aldo), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 20:36

Just seen the video - the ref calls him over for something, he's clearly got a cob on and goes to square up but the ref has his arm out pointing and McGrath meets it with his chest, then slaps it out of the way so he can get closer.

― Well *I* know who he is (aldo), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 21:14

Leamington spar

― kieth chagrin (NickB), Tuesday, 19 January 2021 21:23

ok this, this is the nadir

This is the redemptive moment

wtf that's a great joke

sometimes a joke's greatness is in its plunge to a nadir

This is the Nader

https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/2168451223/headshot_nader.jpg

Even if you didnt like the joke theres no need to ralph

unfunny in any case

lol at a decent footcelsior making it onto main and outraging the self-same americans who'd previously described 'octonormative' as a good gag

spoken like a true biped

(also)

Oh wow, CNN is saying Trump left a letter for Biden. Can't wait.

Yes, just one letter...Q.

― Ned Raggett, Wednesday, 20 January 2021 14:09 (thirty-nine minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qbyXBUEOy5A

YALL COULDA WENT TO COSTA RICA BUT YA DUMBASS SAID Q!? 🤦🏾‍♀️ #WheelOfFortune

— Queen Mother Asantewa (@Tunacheckers) February 21, 2020

I chuckled at Leamington Spar ... it's less a footie joke and more a geography pun

It's entirely a geographical pun.

Royal Leamington Spa, commonly known as Leamington Spa or simply Leamington, is a spa town and civil parish in Warwickshire, England. Originally a small village called Leamington Priors, it grew into a spa town in the 18th century following the popularisation of its water which was reputed to have medicinal qualities.

oh right, a spa town.

you don't remember the episode of Bosom Manor that took place at Leamington Spa???

was that the one where Paul Druddington's croquet game went sour at a crucial moment during the annual Curdled Cream Concatenation?

you don't remember the episode of Bosom Manor that took place at Leamington Spa???

― sarahell, Wednesday, January 20, 2021 5:35 PM (seven minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

lol

Think it was the one where major fuddingtons man dropped a whoozy at the panto

the what now

it involved the local MP, the family solicitor, and Mrs. Fuddington's pussy

oh and the Vicar's unfortunate pudding

the pussy had got into the pudding you see

Uncomfortable memories of “Nancy Reagan pussy pudding”

Just say NO

Simpkins, the boathouse is all at sixes and sevens!

ah yes, Simpkins with the hereditary stutter! And when asked about the "incident" he would stammer "Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh" while everyone impatiently waited for the next syllable so that they could know whether it was the pussy or pudding to which he was referring! Such a droll episode!

Crying over here lol

this is reaching whiney blood pudding levels

Blood puh-puh-puh

puh puh puh pip pip

dying

DJ Fuddington dropping his hit "WHOOZY AT TH' PANTO"

and his fans, which are their own subculture, the Fuddalos ...

...with their trademark Fuddalo call, "POOP POOOOP!"

If sarahell weren’t already posting in the excelsior thread, I’d have c&p her drollery here.

i'ddroll.jpg

pantonormative

Punching up

I wanted to go to New Zealand but they told me I'd have to stay in my hotel room for two weeks until they could be sure I wasn't Amanda Palmer

― Guayaquil (eephus!), Thursday, January 21, 2021

Lol

I'm grateful that the career of Buttigieg demonstrates how glib, articulate gayness doesn't protect you from racism.

Finally, he strikes me as the sort of person who would order the most expensive glass of pinot noir at a Cheesecake Factory.

― meticulously crafted, socially responsible, morally upsta (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Friday, January 22, 2021 12:49 PM bookmarkflaglink

lol yeah that was great

:D

It is truly pure.

it comes from a place of experience and truth. it hurts, but it's real

Too much Cheesecake too soon.

are we talking White Chocolate Cheesecake?

Ooo they have Bartles and Jaymes private reserve!

bartles and jaymc

i barely know how to read.

― Yerac, Thursday, 28 January 2021 17:30 (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

its honestly not that great

― lag∞n, Thursday, 28 January 2021 17:31 (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

Otm

Thirded

haaa

ILM's Top 77 Tracks of 2020

lol

Also feeling smugly vindicated rn.

That's unfortunate because Grimes' "Smugly Vindicated" is not going to make the countdown

:D

78 tho.

That Amanda Palmer one of Guayaquil's is choice.

great names thread

Huge load of goals for FC Den Bosch today from… Jizz Hornkamp
― underminer of twenty years of excellent contribution to this borad (dan m), Saturday, January 30, 2021 12:01 PM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

not a clean sheet in sight
― nxd, Saturday, January 30, 2021 12:42 PM (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

amazing

just to make it extra special his goals were scored against... Excelsior

...after the local newspaper had been complaining about his “dry spell”.

Speaking of Labradford, I can’t listen to them because on multiple albums they seem to have embedded extremely high pitches in their music, on the edge of my hearing range, but right in the sweet spot of my dog’s hearing - she goes crazy (not in a good way(

― Karl Malone, Wednesday, February 3, 2021 4:59 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

is she a labradorford?

― na (NA), Wednesday, February 3, 2021 5:02 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

arf

A+

i seriously think of labradors every time I see the name Labradford

Yeah idg how the joke isnt built into the name already tbh

deems otm

Every month, an excelsior ballot poll nom thread. Then a separate results rollout thread with graphics.

laugh tracks

slap bass interludes

that Apollo theater guy with the hook

The guy from i know what you did last summer with the hook

Dustin Hoffman dressed as Hook

Painted in the style of pieter de hooch

We finally know who got de hooch

Its pronounced de hooch

i know, and he's not even swedish. Those guys were drunk!

Peter Hook on^ slap bass

The ancient ghost story about the bloody hook on the car door handle.

I saw him at a hockey game a few years ago and I told he sucks and it wasn't him.

― Van Horn Street, Monday, 8 February 2021 22:57 (twenty-one minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

One of the most embarrassing moments in my life. Now I dislike him even more.

― Van Horn Street, Monday, 8 February 2021 22:58 (twenty-one minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

lol

Beautiful

dying for more detail

Jordan Peterson

Follow up:

I have a friend who shares the name of famous actor Richard H@rris, and who one day in Prague spotted an old aquaintance from Bucharest up the street, disappearing into a crowd. He started calling after him, "Mike! Mike!" and then took up chase, weaving in and out of others, calling "Mike!"

Finally catching up to him, winded, he took him by the shoulder, "Mike!" The man turned around. "Mike! It's me, Richard H@arris! From Bucharest!" The man was startled, and nonplussed, because he was Dustin Hoffman.

― John Wesley Glasscock (Hadrian VIII),

I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
I hope that someone gets my
Girlfriend in a coma, yeah

― baelien (Ye Mad Puffin), Tuesday, February 9, 2021 12:25 PM bookmarkflaglink

the fuck is a paralyzed penis

― That's not really my scene (I'm 41) (forksclovetofu), Tuesday, February 16, 2021 9:45 PM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

Opposite of a dick move.

― pplains, Tuesday, February 16, 2021 9:50 PM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

"oh wow, 100 new answers about the great rap group de la soul, this should be fun!" i thought to myself before i actually started reading the posts in this thread
― tiwa-nty one savage (voodoo chili), Thursday, February 18, 2021 9:28 PM

I was in a band for all of five minutes called Dick Move

Did it end up going anywhere?

i feel my dick
move
under my feet

offered with love:

Christopher Cross: "Twerking takes me away to where I'm going"
Eddie Rabbitt: "I'm twerking my life away."
Lindsey Buckingham: "Twerkin' out for love."
Etc.
― display names are for n00bs (Ye Mad Puffin), Friday, February 26, 2021

i been twerkin my way back to you babe
― Red Nerussi (Neanderthal), Friday, February 26, 2021

Twerkin' in a coal mine
goin down down down
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Friday, February 26, 2021

Yeah, must be the lack of an updated FAQ keeping the new posters away.
― pplains, Friday, February 26, 2021

lol

lol x2, so proud 2 have engineered that trainwreck

omg lol

oof haaa

with some friends recently and staved off our starving kids by tossing them an unopened package of crackers which someone referred to as a 'sleeve of ritz' and it got compared to 'slivovitz' which led to the concept of some sort of delicacy where plum brandy is injected into sealed tubes of ritz crackers and left to macerate until a boozy gelatinous paste forms.

We pictured an overly earnest 2010 charcuterie provisions restaurant with a tattooed mustachioed person lovingly preparing grey tubes of slivovitz sleeves-of-ritz to hang and age in their brooklyn/portland storefront

― joygoat, Wednesday, 3 March 2021 14:49 (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

The Resultant Pasterie

― Canon in Deez (silby), Wednesday, 3 March 2021 15:02 (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

that's good stuff

Kudos to both parties and the resultant post

groan

now that's an excelsior-worthy exchange

my use of “paste” there was deliberate but silbys response is absolutely next-level

please, no hateration, holleration

Ruth bader have my money

― beware the ídes of mairt (darraghmac), Thursday, March 4, 2021 11:08 AM (yesterday)

At the least I wouldn't want to be accidentally captured by some comedian bounty hunter.

Updog's methods are brutal but he gets results.

― stimmy stimmy yah (Simon H.), Monday, March 8, 2021 9:09 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

my junior year HS history? Every week we had to turn in a report on a current event and my friends started doing them on things like BJ and the Bear article from the "TV Stars 1982" book in the library or the trading cards of En Vogue and Linear from the side of a Pop Tarts box. A guy named Wilhelm found an article in the weekly world news about a car called the wilhelm that ran on urine and turned it in as if it had been from popular mechanics. The teacher came in the next week with a stack of Popular Mechanics from the past year to prove Wilhelm was lying but didn't do anything because he was too lazy.

― joygoat, Wednesday, March 10, 2021 8:05 PM

Was just coming here to post that. I'm still laughing.

Like full-on wiping away tears laughing.

it got me too

That ol' Wilhelm scheme.

Ah!

Um, ok

I did read somewhere that the UK is looking into whether there's increased effectiveness when they mix up the first and second dose providers (so here it would be AZ for one and Pfizer for the other), but haven't seen any results.

This is called the Arnold pharma

― 𝔠𝔞𝔢𝔨 (caek), Friday, March 12, 2021 3:32 PM (four hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

70,000 Tons of Metal cruise was amazing and life-changing. but apparently one year on that cruise the pool area was cleared out and someone was thrown in the brig because he ate this lady's ass in full view of everyone in broad daylight while in the hot tub

― Red Nerussi (Neanderthal), Monday, March 15, 2021 2:08 PM bookmarkflaglink

Yknow, yeah, the more I think about this, the funnier I find it. I was also picturing, like, Cannibal Corpse playing.

who eats ass in the hot tub

anywhere but the champagne room tbh

Even regular sex in a hot tub is a little strange, ime.

Regular sex in any body of water not a shower or stall is impossible if you imitate the callisthenics in Hollywood films.

yeahhhh. also hot tubs are just gross imo.

Hungry4Protozoa

even the local swingers club doesn't allow sex in the hot tub area.

don't ask how i know.

I bet this never happened on the NRO cruise, mostly because participants were too busy berating the crew to get around to eating ass in public

lol, berating attendants is basically sex to those people and the real thing is inaccessible to them anyway

And I wouldn't be fond of swearing but when I do go at it, I go at it awful and very hard.

I do have 45 ‘cunts’ in about two hours. I'd have a smatter of ‘fucks’ then, and a maybe an old patter of ‘gobshite’.

And I'd go for probably, I'd have ten more anyway. And I'd get up the following morning and read back ilx and the husband would have the stern eye on.

And I'd go at it again. And there'd be no fucking stopping me. I'd take the shirt off any man's back. Bastards.

― Scamp Granada (gyac), Tuesday, 16 March 2021 21:42 (nine minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

gotta earn that username

an early st patrick's felicitation

xp ♥

oh so i don't

lj

st patrick's fellatiation?

^^^i know i call excelsior dead ten times a twelvemonth but i reckon this might actually have done the job

Lol failure phadraig

superb work mo chara

you cant buy lingual like that cinnte

i think i like this one even better out of context:

At one point a very drunk guy stood up and yelled "OK BUT WHAT'S A GENITAL CAT????"
― intern at pepe le pew research (Simon H.), Thursday, March 25, 2021

I guess if you're comfortable dealing with Python packages, there are some QR generator packages.

― o. nate, Monday, 29 March 2021 21:20 (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

i for one am super comfortable dealing with python packages

― John Cooper of Christian rock band Skillet (map), Monday, 29 March 2021 21:21 (two hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

"meanwhile the US is taking a nationalised approach to a public health matter for the first time in decades, and finding its way more efficient than the local and private bottlenecks once the vaccines arrive"
What US is that?
― the last unvaccinated motherfucker on earth (PBKR), Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Philadelphia is still in Phase 1A
― Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Wednesday, March 31, 2021

xp yeah maybe thats how they do it in Upper Samaraland but here in the home of the brave we're still hanging out behind walgreens after closing time
― nobody like my rap (One Eye Open), Wednesday, March 31, 2021

^^ sharpest line Lana Del Rey ever wrote
― So who you gonna call? The martini police (Alfred, Lord Sotosyn), Wednesday, March 31, 2021

Did we figure out the Imperioli connection to all of this just yet?

― soaring skrrrtpeggios (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Wednesday, 31 March 2021 14:40 (thirty-seven minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

Imperioli provides the hair curlers for Kev’s perm

― Position Position, Wednesday, 31 March 2021 15:13 (four minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

imperioli is a known huge fan and i'm guessing he'd just heard the inside word about the reissues somehow

― ufo, Wednesday, 31 March 2021 15:15 (two minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

MBV have entered their Imperioli phase

― jmm, Wednesday, 31 March 2021 15:17 (fifty-seven seconds ago) bookmarkflaglink

Something looks missing from bedpo-
Oh. pic.twitter.com/EZPDFLHtLe

— Justin Fenton (@justin_fenton) March 29, 2021

― superdeep borehole (harbl), Wednesday, March 31, 2021 2:23 PM (five hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

i jumped a bit when the red pillow showed up, v unexpected

― eisimpleir (crüt), Wednesday, March 31, 2021 5:50 PM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

Amazing level of aesthetic commitment

― jmm, Wednesday, March 31, 2021 5:54 PM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

Schindler's Listing

― pplains, Wednesday, March 31, 2021 6:13 PM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

plus if gonzaga wins tonight, they go on to fight their true nemesis: king kong.

― voodoo chili, Monday, April 5, 2021 6:15 PM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

lol

Lil Yachty re: his like "My new bitch yellow / she blow that dick like a cello": "I fucked up. I thought Squidward played the cello. He don't. That's a flute. I fucked up."

― justfanoe (Greg Fanoe), Thursday, April 8, 2021 2:00 PM bookmarkflaglink

(also, he actually plays the clarinet)

― justfanoe (Greg Fanoe), Thursday, April 8, 2021 2:00 PM bookmarkflaglink

I am dead

SILVIO: I don’t know, T. That digital looks pretty rough. Doesn’t sit right with me.

PAULIE (nodding): PD150. It’s to be expected.

TONY: Again with this shit. It’s an AESTHETIC DECISION!

― jammy mcnullity (wins), Friday, April 16, 2021 2:47 PM (three days ago) bookmarkflaglink

do you have more of that written?

― rob, Friday, April 16, 2021 3:16 PM (three days ago) bookmarkflaglink

From the SoM thread:

Adrenochrome just keeps getting better with age.

― stirmonster, Thursday, April 22, 2021 9:39 AM (forty-eight minutes ago) bookmarkflaglink

that’s not what I’ve heard

― JoeStork, Thursday, April 22, 2021 12:29 PM (one minute ago) bookmarkflaglink

Haw :)

these celebrity leftists always have a few good takes, that's how they get you

― Left, Saturday, 24 April 2021 16:30 (four hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

Why don't you fuck off and stop bringing everybody down, you miserable puritanical cunt?

― Authoritarian Steaks (Tom D.), Saturday, 24 April 2021 16:54 (four hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

in conclusion, Charlie Chaplin was a land of contrasts.

― Camaraderie at Arms Length, Saturday, 24 April 2021 16:55 (four hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

killed me

Would've extended the (already edited) sequence to cap off with:

eat shit

― Left, Saturday, April 24, 2021 1:34 PM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

fuck men

― Left, Saturday, April 24, 2021 1:34 PM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

(Re Bill and Melinda Gates divorce)

Their press release states that they will continue to run it together, so it seems probable that it will keep the name.

― bobo honkin' slobo babe (sic), Tuesday, May 4, 2021 8:38 AM bookmarkflaglink

who gets which hemisphere

― intern at pepe le pew research (Simon H.), Tuesday, May 4, 2021 8:47 AM bookmarkflaglink

which hemisphere
Wait, what are we talking about exactly?

― pomenitul, Tuesday, May 4, 2021 8:51 AM bookmarkflaglink

Kennedy's brain

― maf you one two (maffew12), Tuesday, May 4, 2021 8:53 AM bookmarkflaglink

Do we need a 'bands whose names are probably references to semen' thread? I think we almost certainly do.

― You Can't Have the Woogie Without a Little Boogie (Old Lunch), Friday, 30 April 2021 16:09 (four days ago) bookmarkflaglink

the jizz is on mary chain

― A viking of frowns, (Camaraderie at Arms Length), Friday, 30 April 2021 16:11 (four days ago) bookmarkflaglink

My mum always says stupid is as stupid does

― Pinefox reviews Reviews (wins), Tuesday, May 4, 2021 4:56 AM (six hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

She’s a fucking dimwit though

― Pinefox reviews Reviews (wins), Tuesday, May 4, 2021 4:56 AM (six hours ago)

I LOLed.

I thought that was the pinefox at first. It would have been out of character, to say the least.

That’s the downside of parody screen names, innocent posters get associated with my orrible posts

Life is like a box of chocolates: figuring out what's what requires a bit of reading

Dru Tat...

1. Growlin' Dog
2. Rockin' Rock
3. The Eternity of Always
4. Stairway to Tears of Rain in Heaven
5. Hallucination Mountain
6. Drummin' Sticks
7. Headed for a Location
8. When the Water Floods

― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive)

Dru Tat...

call me old fashioned but i still think sweatpants (joggers are sweatpants) in public are only appropriate when you are going to or from the gym

― diamonddave85​​ (diamonddave85), Friday, April 23, 2021 4:50 PM (two weeks ago) bookmarkflaglink

old fashioned

― lag∞n, Friday, April 23, 2021 7:33 PM (two weeks ago) bookmarkflaglink

why did I laff so hard, so long

not sure

probably best to ask a medical professional

excited to read this mlb.com article

https://i.imgur.com/iBn1LcI.png

― yr local jerk, (Karl Malone), Thursday, May 13, 2021 11:16 AM (eleven minutes ago)bookmarkflaglink

Writer’s dad pumped for son’s first headline

― Michael F Gill, Thursday, May 13, 2021 11:19 AM (seven minutes ago)

baseball-related; no need to know anything about baseball

In a very deep field, that has to be one of the most Oniony non-Onion headlines I've ever seen.

Why do so many people (billionaires) want to go to space?

Guillotines need gravity to work.

― BlackIronPrison, Monday, 7 June 2021 15:03 (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

:)

Yes but being blown out of the cargo bay into space without a spacesuit on requires being in space, so

in space you cannot have a last cigarette.

it's true, but in space you can use those little thrusters on each side of the capsule to do lateral movements. would be fun to exhaust bezos out of the cargo port and then just baaaaaarely thrust away from him so it shoots him off in the other direction (toward the sun)

let's see where your lordship over global supply chains gets you THEN, jeff

the middle of the sun - that's where christ lives

His fiery Throne

the sad thing is, i'm pretty sure bezos really DOES have an iron man suit prototype somewhere deep down in his cargo shorts, and he would probably annihilate the sun and claim this solar system as a new base for his galaxy supply chain

you could also attach those little thrusters to the guillotine blade. the ops folks at amazon always find a way to execute.

^^

frequently bought together:

guillotine blade refill pack
thruster fuel
party hats

make him wear one of those little crepe-paper crowns

this is probably terrorism. mods pls delete

"Your love is like Sam Kin-i-son"

― Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, June 10, 2021 10:51 AM bookmarkflaglink

hahaha

totally nonsensical without the context but I laughed

there aren't any pictures of david bowie eating pizza. you cannot prove it ever happened.

― butyrate humbucker bobbins (Sufjan Grafton), Thursday, June 10, 2021 5:34 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

it's wwhat killed him

― cancel culture club (Neanderthal), Thursday, June 10, 2021 5:36 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

ground control to papa john's

― butyrate humbucker bobbins (Sufjan Grafton), Thursday, June 10, 2021 5:39 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

random originally meant fast

― mark e. smith-moon (f. hazel), Thursday, June 10, 2021 11:14 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

your mom was so random last night

― cancel culture club (Neanderthal), Thursday, June 10, 2021 11:17 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

there aren't any pictures of david bowie eating pizza. you cannot prove it ever happened.

― butyrate humbucker bobbins (Sufjan Grafton), Thursday, June 10, 2021 5:34 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

it's wwhat killed him

― cancel culture club (Neanderthal), Thursday, June 10, 2021 5:36 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

ground control to papa john's

― butyrate humbucker bobbins (Sufjan Grafton), Thursday, June 10, 2021 5:39 PM (yesterday) bookmarkflaglink

― peace, man, Friday, June 11, 2021 7:20 AM (one hour ago) bo

omigod

that's great

give my slice my love

For here
am I sitting in a tin pan

I'm not a thin crust or a deep pan man.

Wham bam deep pan man!

Got rocket topping, ew
But there's nothing I can do

Ashes to ashes, funk to funky
We know Major Tom's a junkie
Strung out in heaven's high
Hitting an all-time low

toppings on toppings, pepperoni
we know major tom loves mushrooms
onions and sausage, alright
shitting an all-time flow