JJJUSTEN MAKES ONE SENTENCIRIFIC REVIEWS OF ALL THE CRAP THAT HE WATCHES LATE AT NIGHT ON NETFLIX STREAMING XBOX SOMETHING WHY BECAUSE HE BORED ALSO BECAUSE

Penn and Teller's Magic and Mystery Tour: i dont even know what the hell they were trying to do here, looks like a failed pilot but yknow that isnt shocking since it is deadly boring with a light dash of xenophobia thrown in for fun, teller talks a lot tho so if thats been on your bucket list uh here you go. D

The Wild and Wonderful Whites: A remarkably sympathetic doc about a full on hillbilly outlaw family still rolling along in West Virginia getting in fights, shooting each other, and having other sordid psycho "fun" but lest this sounds like a rootin tootin fun ride through bucktoothed backwoods git-r-doners theres some teeth in here and the film maker stays out of the picture for the most part, letting 4 generations of whites lay out their insane worldview for all to see, so for example when moms buddy starts crushing up pills on the maternity room side table for her it hits in all the right emotional spots. A-

John, sometimes I think you choose movies to watch by putting up a list of the most bizarre titles you can find and then throwing darts at it.

Not that I'm judging that or anything.

Bomb It: theres like a million grafitti/hip hop documentaries out there (including some obv classics that are kinda unfuckwithable) and of course most of them are train jumping bullshit puff pieces about how awesome artist X is and how they are the true street etc etc etc but holy shit this is the real deal, rolling through the globe and getting in depth about non-NYC world graffiti culture and garnering some absolutely amazing moments in the process and some sobering meditations on the commodification of it within US culture vs areas where it still holds significant political weight, closing with a brillant return to a graf artist in LA that just gets SAVAGED by their own brainless statements about how important they are after watching dudes in south africa painting a mural on a shantytown in front of a team of wide-eyed kids stuck living there. A

dude, did you ever see "Rize"?

my movie choices are determined by a long scientific process that usually involves the early AM hours, some booze, and an instant watching queue that consisetently hovers between the 450-500 range.

xpost yes i did! and despite the fact that i hate hate hate lachapelle, its pretty incredible imo.

the slow motion bits in that were pure insanity.

The Descent Part 2: formula appears to have been take all the legit tense stuff out of the first film, add a bunch of stone ass stupid characters that make the dumbest decisions possible (particularly the trope laden gruff and tough dont give a fuck small town sheriff) make a couple of decent choices along the way and then make sure to bleakify the ending for no reason other than probably hey the writer is a dick. C

American Grindhouse: lets just get the ilx incest factoids out of the way and mention that a famed old ilx troll executive produced this at the start, so moving on this is about the least interesting most cursory scan of grindhouse ive ever seen, and thats not because i am some grindhouse guru or anything, but down to the quippy title cards that intro each segment this is a halfassed skim with no information that you havent already seen in one of those commercials that IFC runs all the time trying to get the hipsters to upgrade their cable, minor points awarded for the early historical stuff which is interesting but only lasts for the first 15 minutes of the movie before it turns into a "here are the names of some blaxplotation movies and then some talking head will yammer about nothing" i love the 80s routine. D

oof, after that you should treat yourself to some Eegah!

DUDE I LOVE EEGAH!

I don't think I've laughed that hard at MST3K since... well... I don't know. Maybe "The Wild World of Batwoman" or "Manos: The Hands of Fate"

im kinda obsessed with getting a high quality audio rip of the song "Vicki" from Eegah! actually.

omg

if ever you find such a thing you had better let me know

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk41zSoFlDc

(skip ahead to 1:20)

oh no there is an entire arch hall jr album available for me to buy

have you seen MST3k do "Mitchell"? because uh you should really see "Mitchell"

I saw it yeeears ago, it's on my list to rescreen

Pretty sure I need to screen or re-screen every MST3K ever, just to be sure they are all still okay. ;)

My kids are really excited to have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year, btw.

I just watched EEGAH yesterday

Cropsey: one part documentary, one part creepy urban legend, 3 parts meandering amateur filmmaker wasting my goddamn time. D

as a quick aside i have been netflix streaming three different episodic tv things and all of them are awesome.

Archer
Parks and Recreation
Dog Bites Man - this one in particular kinda went under the radar but oh man its pretty great

okay gonna check out this Dog Bites Man shenanigans because the other two are AWESOME-O

Nightmares in Red, White, and Blue: ok in stark contrast to the grindhouse thing up there, this treads the same stylistic ground (to the point where i am kinda assuming they got rolled out of the same production house) but hits the mark incredibly well, if people ever wanted a totally effective primer to the evolution of american horror filmmaking this is the doc to watch, predominately safe for between the finger peeking level horror peeps (not to name any names) viewing pleasure w/o the onset of nightmares. A

this would be a good time to admit that I had nightmares about the soup-feeding scene in Planet Terror the night after watching it and kept looking at my wife's sleeping back and imagining all of my potential exit routes should she roll over and try to eat my face

Cropsey was disappointing. I thought there was a germ of an interesting movie there but:
a) documentarians sticking themselves in front of the camera for no good reason = ugh
b) blair witch cheap-scare scene with no point = ugh
c) was hoping there would be more about the actual Cropsey urban legend, instead of just using it to class up what is essentially an episode of Dateline Mystery

yeah dog bites man got kinda shafted by comedy central i think - it was before the rise of galifanakis so he didnt really have any star power to drive it, also the caveat 5 episodes in where they add the "only the 4 principle members of the series are aware that this is fake" just shows that audiences where too dense to realize that most of the people in the show have no idea that they are being fucked with (which leads to some totally o_O moments later on btw).

xxpost eeeek

yeah, that wasn't a pleasant evening

yep 2 days of being sick = lots of these on the way.

Hank and Mike: indie comedy about the easter bunny industry that follows 2 easter bunnies that fall on the wrong side of corporate downsizing and are forced to make their way in the real world and honest to god its one of the funniest and best executed comedies ive seen in a long time, nearly every line hits the mark and despite a little bit of heavy handed SOCIAL COMMENTARY that didnt really need to be there the movie as a whole is a total treat and well worth watching. A!

S&Man - documentary about the super gonzo wing of the indie exploito hyper-gore horror business, toetag pictures and their ilk that is actually fairly depressing and sad, i little meandering and unfocused with a weird disconnected subplot about voyerism that makes attempts to hitch up with the matters at hand but never really does, and one particular thread (staying spoilerfree here dudes) that completely and absolutely squanders whatever good will i had for the film. C

Dogs Decoded: Nova - hey yeah guess what i like dogs this is about dogs fairly informative dogs dogs dogs B+

The Human Centipede: First Sequence - well you knew i was going to get to it eventually, the first 1/3 of this is just kinda awful because the 2 women cast should not be allowed to act or attempt to deliver lines (which lol the director does find a solution for i guess but i digress) but the bad guy doctor is fucking amazing, and once we get past the troubled girls lost in teh woods crap the movie pulls no punches, and although i get the feeling that tom six (the director) is a grade a self-promoting dick, you cant fault the way the dude works a camera, and some of the later scenes have a starkness and coldness to them that is really kind of in its own world to the point where w/o the kitsch factor part of me is pretty blown away by how good this movie almost is, but grading deflated because seriously the part where the women have speaking roles made me want to beat my head in with a wrench. B+

wait, so women acting poorly is beyond the pale but removing jaws and sewing them together ass-to-face is A+ excellent movie?

you are the weirdest guy

heh it is almost enough to make me revive that "why do peeps enjoy horror" thread. lots of horror fails thx to shit acting imo, general horror stans tend to turn a blind eye because lol gore, but idk, have some standards.

Beer Wars - fairly eye-opening doc about the beer industry, w/lots of statistical o_O moments regarding the hammerlock the big three (well now 2 i guess) have on the industry, esp the ancient and stone stupid three tier system, unfortunately the information was better than the over cutesy presentation by the film maker so its a bit of a slog at times. B-

The Chair - better than the box art would have you imagine, but unfortunately that doesnt mean that its really any good, low budget detached not all that scary snoozefest, i think maybe ive just seen all the possessed by murderer films i need for this lifetime. D+

Stuck - ok now were talking, despite going into this with low expectations thx to the starring role of forehead lady from american beauty, this is a hell of a film, not horror per se, although yknow its about a dude being stuck in the windshield of a lady who hits him so theres blood and unpleasantness for sure, acting is great throughout, esp steven rea who is just great in everything hes in, dark exploration of the morals of self-preservation and the way we redefine the world to fit our place in it, some clever inversions of stereotypes and only a couple of groany social comments, weirdly funny but in such a black manner that the laughs show up well after the delivery of the lines. A

I Think We're Alone Now - a doc about 2 Tiffany superfans, one of whom is intersex and the other is autistic, but unfortunately it is a great cautionary tale about the fact that just finding interesting people and filming them doesnt make a good documentary, it just makes a phtojournalism project on people who have sad empty lives and their pain, and this movie in particular has no heart whatsoever, you can almost hear the tittering behind the hand while the camera rolls at times which given the suffering of the subjects is close to intolerable, also daer filmmaker you can take yer slacker oh lol lets hold up pieces of paper in front of the shot to make title cards treatment of this whole thing and shove it up your ass, along with your hateful little movie. D-

finally I no longer have to hold onto the dark, dark secret of jjjusten's Tiffany obsession

Well, I knew about that in 1990. Where were you, anyway?

I think he was alone then

He has no one but himself to blame.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fK2bBfuepKk

you should watch this

I will watch that. Not on netflix streaming yet tho.

Oh, NOW you have standards.

attn SR-C

check out LA music artist GLASSER

you will totally luv her

okay, I promise to try to do this later today... I'm PROMISED Alex I'd watch a "Buffy" with him, and I'm knee deep in laundry for some reason. Also I know I have to make Special K bars, scalloped corn, and a chocolate chip cookie pie and let Austin into the kitchen to make sweet potatoes. So yeah, while I destroy my kitchen later, GLASSER it is.

I have totally failed to do this today, which is somehow not the least bit surprising.