shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

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("wacky"/weird news does not apply)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/donald-j-trump/my-new-golf-course-a-sour_b_323741.html

banned, on the run (s1ocki), Saturday, 17 October 2009 08:05 (nine years ago) link

I was mentioned in the Press & Journal once - that should give you an idea of how prestigious Mr Trump's historian is.

Anyway, is that entire site an Onion parody?

Ismael Klata, Saturday, 17 October 2009 10:38 (nine years ago) link

lol comments

"As a leader of Intimacy Retreats and the author of Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day, I always recommend that couples schedule time for intimacy."

banned, on the run (s1ocki), Saturday, 17 October 2009 14:56 (nine years ago) link

While over 90% of the locals, politicians, businesses and top historians support my project\\

lol

Ned Trifle II, Saturday, 17 October 2009 15:02 (nine years ago) link

LOL at that trump article

a perfect urkel (gbx), Saturday, 17 October 2009 15:20 (nine years ago) link

one month passes...

http://www.thedeclaration.org/article/more-just-secondhand-news

I know what you’re thinking. I don’t want to read another review of that frickken Phish show! Plus I can totally download the concert for free off the internet. HELLZ NO. Last week, I saw Fleetwood Fucking Mac, and it was the greatest night of my life, and I’m going to tell you all about how much it ruled.

ian, Friday, 20 November 2009 03:42 (nine years ago) link

three months pass...

http://grab.by/2ywT

f1ocki (s1ocki), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:05 (nine years ago) link

also file under "shit that looks like a hipster runoff post but isn't"

f1ocki (s1ocki), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:06 (nine years ago) link

file under 'headlines that would've made absolutely no sense to anyone 15 years ago'

i am a big fan of japanese women (donna rouge), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:25 (nine years ago) link

"Fast-growing public fighting memes" is a pretty big category.

Dark Notion (Abbott), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:26 (nine years ago) link

can you imagine actually reading an explanation of why this particular public fight meme has had an accelerated rate of adoption compared to other public fight memes?

f1ocki (s1ocki), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:32 (nine years ago) link

Is there even another public fight meme other than bumfights? I remember that grew pretty fast...

As your Dentist I recommend smoking: (Viceroy), Saturday, 20 February 2010 19:03 (nine years ago) link

pretty much every article by the DPRK's news service

we like the cars. the cars that go burbbhrbhbbhbburbbb. (los blue jeans), Saturday, 20 February 2010 19:41 (nine years ago) link

http://images.forbes.com/media/commentary/jflint.jpg

pithfork (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 23 February 2010 23:17 (nine years ago) link

no, von trier, nooooooo!

Nhex, Thursday, 25 February 2010 04:54 (nine years ago) link

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/8057/theage.jpg

badg, Thursday, 25 February 2010 05:14 (nine years ago) link

Grandpa Wins $10000 iTunes Gift Card

this is awful I want Togo home (harbl), Friday, 26 February 2010 12:44 (nine years ago) link

I would like to see von Trier incorporate all these stories into his Taxi Driver remake.

that guy who doesn't get it but doesn't know he doesn't get it (M.V.), Friday, 26 February 2010 18:16 (nine years ago) link

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1254205/High-noon-Stamford-Bridge-John-Terry-comes-face-face-man-betrayed-shake-hands.html

The entire dailymail site had some choice cuts but I went with this one.

RubyNoir, Saturday, 27 February 2010 16:33 (nine years ago) link

lol @ comments on stan's article.

ABBAcab (Trayce), Sunday, 28 February 2010 20:50 (nine years ago) link

i like to read this thread title like:

shit! that looks like an onion article but isn't

bracken free ditch (Ste), Sunday, 28 February 2010 21:07 (nine years ago) link

three weeks pass...

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/03/22/real.men.eat.salad/index.html?hpt=Mid

(CNN) -- Real men eat salads. I know this because I am a dude. Right now, in my fridge, I have five bottles of hot sauce, a jar of Cheez Whiz and half a pack of hot dogs. But recently I went to lunch with a couple of buds, and I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard.

It was a basic frissée salad with bacon, shallots and a poached egg, tossed in a light vinaigrette. Frissée is a curly, toothsome leaf, bitter enough to balance bacon and egg but still possessed of a pleasant spring.

My friends laughed at me. They pointed. One ordered a burger, the other fried calamari. I was chastised for not eating "man food."

For those of you who aren't familiar with this gender normative term, "man food" is food that you'd imagine a lumberjack or a cowboy or a Viking would eat. Towers of butter-soaked pancakes. Pots of napalm-hot chili. Meat on a bone.

Thoroughly unsubtle, "man food" is rustic fare meant to satisfy a hearty appetite. Quantity is prized over quality. Calories are "fun points." The more "fun points," the tastier the belly filler.

But sometimes a dude needs a change. Specifically, a salad. A fresh, crisp, crunchy salad. Salads offer breathers between manly meals. Spinach, cucumber, tomato, red onions, mushrooms, chickpeas, oil and vinegar -- that is my usual jam.

I don't need any fancy, goopy dressings compromising my vegetables. (What does a ranch actually taste like, anyway?) Sometimes, I might throw some almonds or walnuts up in there. I've been known to be down with blueberries and mandarin oranges. I like bacon or grilled chicken on occasion. I am not a fan of unnecessary carbs like croutons. And then there are those moments I go crazy and get a frissée freakin' salad.

I didn't evolve without help. There was a time where, if I cut myself shaving, I'd bleed sausage gravy. My heart squeezed more than it pumped. And I also grew what I call "fat wings."

Luckily, the woman I was dating at that time didn't like any of those things. Being able to sit in a bathtub full of buffalo wings is every dude's birthright, but I eventually learned that being attractive for your significant other is also pretty manly.

My girlfriend was a smart woman and didn't bring up my devolving into a human biscuit. What she did was announce that we were going to save money so that Saturday nights, we could go to the local barbecue joint and destroy some cow with our faces.

Obviously, my first thought was, "Aww, she wants me to help her lose weight." So I humored her. She came home from the supermarket with a stack of plastic disposable containers. In each, she put one potential salad ingredient. Not only the ones that would become my favorite but kidney beans, green peppers, corn and pepperoni slices.

She created a mini-salad bar in our fridge. It was easy, and I was told I could eat as much as I wanted. This became my lunch and occasional dinner.

You know what? We saved money. I lost weight. Gained energy. And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

I kept this up this salad-centric diet for months. My friends would come over to watch a fight or brawl on the PlayStation, and I'd meet them at the door with a salad in my hand.

The landlord would need my help with some drywall; I'd put my salad down.

At work, I'd articulate corporate strategy during lunch meetings spearing cucumbers in my lucky bowl of awesome salad. I made eating salad sexy. I made it macho, macho.

Is it rabbit food? Friend, if it's rabbit food, then that rabbit is the size of a ferocious bear.

My friends poked fun at me as I munched on my fancy salad. It was tasty. I love how the warm yolk from the poached egg lightly coated the frissée, adding a dimension of hardiness to a dish with such leafy bounce. And the bacon chunks added just the right amount of fatty salt, more sturdy ballast. I wiped my mouth.

We were out celebrating one guy's birthday. The other guy, an old friend from college, was "in-between gigs." It had been another tough year. "Salad is not man food," they mocked. Oh, but it is. I ordered a final round of beers. Then I picked up the check.

Are salads manly? What is the manliest salad? Are you the sort of guy who wouldn't touch a salad if a gun was put to his head? Tell us in the comments whether you think salads can count as "man food."

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:33 (nine years ago) link

where to start

call all destroyer, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:38 (nine years ago) link

I love how the warm yolk from the poached egg lightly coated the frissée, adding a dimension of hardiness to a dish with such leafy bounce. And the bacon chunks added just the right amount of fatty salt, more sturdy ballast. I wiped my mouth.

YUM YUM

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:38 (nine years ago) link

Is that an Anderson Cooper piece?

FIST FIGHT! FIST FIGHT! FIST FIGHT IN THE PARKING LOT! (milo z), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:40 (nine years ago) link

Being able to sit in a bathtub full of buffalo wings is every dude's birthright

Who does this?

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:41 (nine years ago) link

why doesnt he just call it a salad lyonnaise

max, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:42 (nine years ago) link

good salad btw--i saw jacques pepin make one once on PBS, he poached the egg in like 2 inches of olive oil

max, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:43 (nine years ago) link

where to start

― call all destroyer, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 4:38 PM

I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard.

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:44 (nine years ago) link

"Salad is not man food," they mocked. Oh, but it is. I ordered a final round of beers. Then I picked up the check.

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:45 (nine years ago) link

pooping before bathing in your tub of buffalo wings

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:46 (nine years ago) link

but what about:

And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

call all destroyer, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:46 (nine years ago) link

And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

xpost HA!

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:46 (nine years ago) link

Calories are "fun points." The more "fun points," the tastier the belly filler.

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:47 (nine years ago) link

"""""""""fun points"""""""""

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:47 (nine years ago) link

this guy needs to advertise his services, like:

john devore, a local "dude," will talk to you about what is manly and how it is different from what you might think.

call all destroyer, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:48 (nine years ago) link

first of all, i want to know why this is on cnn.com? what is the market for this? do people read articles on cnn.com aside from actual news?

secondly, how is it that articles like this get pitched/accepted/assigned like... 5 years after a meme like "man food" became a "thing". if you had shown the text of this to me undated i would've been all "no way this was written after 2005, not a chance"

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:48 (nine years ago) link

had no idea that calories were fun points. i mean, i like fun!

call all destroyer, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:49 (nine years ago) link

Maybe once age and decrepitude have strip-mined by palette, I'll think about swilling a Yoo-Hoo. The risk-taking of a convalescent. But even then, I doubt I'll wrap my wrinkled lips around a Yoo-Hoo jar.

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/lists/reasons-why-chocolate-drink-yoohoo-rocks-blog#ixzz0j2EUvn70

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:49 (nine years ago) link

someone get howie long to comment on this

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:50 (nine years ago) link

uuuuuuuuuuughh did he really say "whoopee time" -- was this even edited? C'MON MAN

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:50 (nine years ago) link

okay, so maybe it's satire!

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:51 (nine years ago) link

maybe?

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:51 (nine years ago) link

no

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:51 (nine years ago) link

Bags of holding are pretty central to the ruleset.

with Chew Guard™ technology (Sanpaku), Tuesday, 26 March 2019 05:23 (five months ago) link

Taken 4: Declaration of Taking

We were never Breeting Borting (President Keyes), Tuesday, 26 March 2019 14:12 (five months ago) link

somehow I've never noticed before that the first post in this 9-yr old thread is about Trump's Scottish golf course

rob, Tuesday, 26 March 2019 15:47 (five months ago) link

life that looks like etc...

rob, Tuesday, 26 March 2019 15:47 (five months ago) link

Now Tilda Swinton, who I don’t know and never heard of, has joined them.

Ivanka showing some her dad's takedown skills

We were never Breeting Borting (President Keyes), Tuesday, 26 March 2019 15:56 (five months ago) link

wonder if anyone ever heard from this Tilda character after this golf-related stance

mh, Tuesday, 26 March 2019 16:02 (five months ago) link

not exactly right for this thread but my god this reads like a clickhole article, right down to the guy's bio. i kept waiting for the twist

https://www.androidpolice.com/2015/09/25/jbl-xtreme-and-flip-3-review-competition-destroyed/

Lil' Brexit (Tracer Hand), Thursday, 4 April 2019 22:52 (five months ago) link

Better than they deserve tbqh

moose; squirrel (silby), Sunday, 7 April 2019 05:54 (five months ago) link

Haha, came to post that same story! How about this one:

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/apr/06/sentencing-their-dog-to-death-how-the-anti-vax-movement-spread-to-pets

"Sam Kovac can’t say for sure what prompted it, but in the past few weeks the Sydney veterinarian has been faced with the same alarming, beguiling question over and over: “Will this vaccination give my dog autism?”

(Article would be funnier if it didn't involve dummies doing the wrong thing for their poor pets)

Josh in Chicago, Monday, 8 April 2019 01:51 (five months ago) link

Cue Temple Grandin on the natural state of non-human mammals resembling human autism.

Kardashev scale sex tape (Sanpaku), Monday, 8 April 2019 05:15 (five months ago) link

whither emily post?

d'ILM for Murder (Hadrian VIII), Monday, 15 April 2019 15:45 (five months ago) link

However, before being placed in handcuffs officers gave Padgett a paper towel so he could wipe the pasta off his face.

wipe privilege

We were never Breeting Borting (President Keyes), Monday, 15 April 2019 15:58 (five months ago) link

That's funny!

Josh in Chicago, Monday, 15 April 2019 16:37 (five months ago) link

three weeks pass...

https://www.hs.fi/ulkomaat/art-2000006096630.html

This is a Finnish newspaper, but the headline translates to:

The beluga whale Norway thought to be a Russian spy is in fact a therapy whale for children

Tuomas, Tuesday, 7 May 2019 12:32 (four months ago) link

lol

pomenitul, Tuesday, 7 May 2019 12:37 (four months ago) link

just you and me
eat fudge banana swirl
just you and me
we'll travel round the world
just you and me
therapy whale

mookieproof, Tuesday, 7 May 2019 16:20 (four months ago) link

a former Netflix creative director just raised $1.6 million for a startup that sells "straight edge" water in tall boy cans and their tagline is "nothing's better than water at murdering your thirst"https://t.co/KJI6Dx0tWd pic.twitter.com/dXBva5A0uP

— Ryan Broderick (@broderick) May 7, 2019

gbx, Tuesday, 7 May 2019 19:35 (four months ago) link

I'd buy that.

don't mock my smock or i'll clean your clock (silby), Tuesday, 7 May 2019 19:46 (four months ago) link

Is there an inverse for this thread? Because I was 100 percent sure this was actually a real article/quote.

John Bolton: ‘An Attack On Two Saudi Oil Tankers Is An Attack On All Americans’ https://t.co/Dgny7ss6pJ pic.twitter.com/nvxyCtNCVh

— The Onion (@TheOnion) May 15, 2019

zama roma ding dong (Eric H.), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 20:24 (four months ago) link

hahaha i thought the same when i saw it just now

Screamin' Jay Gould (The Yellow Kid), Wednesday, 15 May 2019 23:26 (four months ago) link

Looks like we've come full circle:

https://babylonbee.com

pomenitul, Tuesday, 21 May 2019 22:00 (three months ago) link

"I'm sorry, I know we're trying to worship the King of Kings here, but am I the only one around here who knows the difference between 'its' and 'it's'?" he said after shouting for the worship band to stop the song. "Does anyone else in this freaking church have any freaking idea where an apostrophe is supposed to go? ANYONE!?!?"

from one of the few non-abortion stories

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Wednesday, 22 May 2019 13:45 (three months ago) link

the one about Jesus writing OWN THE LIBS in the sand was pretty good, I'll give 'em that.

Evans on Hammond (evol j), Wednesday, 22 May 2019 14:16 (three months ago) link

It's just the word "models," but this one made me go 'WTF does Kendall Jenner know?' for a second:

So Far, Models Are Predicting a Trump Victory in 2020

dinnerboat, Tuesday, 28 May 2019 16:54 (three months ago) link

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D7sj6GmWsAA30Ez.jpg

mookieproof, Wednesday, 29 May 2019 06:42 (three months ago) link

talk to transformer foreign policy

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Wednesday, 29 May 2019 15:09 (three months ago) link

I hear a gram of American freedom costs you two family members

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Wednesday, 29 May 2019 21:09 (three months ago) link

Oh, shit, you beat me to this...

despondently sipping tomato soup (Sanpaku), Thursday, 30 May 2019 01:22 (three months ago) link

EVERYTHING

Flood-Resistant Mirror-Drilling Machine (rushomancy), Thursday, 30 May 2019 01:26 (three months ago) link

I think it's a sign of how ridiculous things have gotten that neither of those stories struck me as particularly absurd or onion-esque when I read about them earlier.

Roz, Monday, 10 June 2019 14:28 (three months ago) link

not gonna lie i would def pirate a pay-per-view stream of that match

God may judge you but his sins outnumber your own. (bizarro gazzara), Monday, 10 June 2019 14:32 (three months ago) link

Fraser Anning candidate who is robot sex expert given Queen's birthday honour

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/jun/11/fraser-anning-candidate-given-queens-birthday-honour

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Tuesday, 11 June 2019 07:48 (three months ago) link

"Eating giant crab legs for YouTube has made her a millionaire, she says."

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/11/style/youtube-mukbang-bloveslife-bethany-gaskin.html

joygoat, Tuesday, 11 June 2019 15:33 (three months ago) link

For Trayce's story, some context: Fraser Anning is an Australian Nazi

Yes sorry I meant to add context as to who he was but got distracted. Also I should have pasted his photo, good god.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Friday, 14 June 2019 04:08 (three months ago) link

If anyone LOOKED like a Nazi who wanted to fuck robots...

The Onion a month ago pic.twitter.com/LTdVtwD42f

— Doug Hageman (@DougHageman) June 14, 2019

shit that is an onion article ...

calzino, Saturday, 15 June 2019 16:37 (three months ago) link

got another capitalism greatest hit. i will give you one hundred thousand dollars if you can guess the brand by the end pic.twitter.com/bwfJJLabg4

— Ryan Simmons (@rysimmons) June 27, 2019

mookieproof, Thursday, 27 June 2019 18:45 (two months ago) link

lol, i thought that was the superbowl cotton ad; ending cracked me up

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Thursday, 27 June 2019 19:50 (two months ago) link

hahahaha wut

d'ILM for Murder (Hadrian VIII), Thursday, 27 June 2019 21:13 (two months ago) link

omg

gbx, Friday, 28 June 2019 17:23 (two months ago) link

one month passes...

dark
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/31/business/jeffrey-epstein-eugenics.html

Jeffrey E. Epstein, the wealthy financier and accused sex trafficker, had an unusual dream: He hoped to seed the human race with his DNA by impregnating women at his vast New Mexico ranch.

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Wednesday, 31 July 2019 20:06 (one month ago) link

Jeffrey Eugenides

The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 31 July 2019 20:10 (one month ago) link

three weeks pass...

Dairy Queen burgers are not made of human flesh, county coroner is forced to confirm https://t.co/5aHIFFVfcR

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) August 25, 2019

hedonic treadmill class action (Sanpaku), Sunday, 25 August 2019 20:51 (three weeks ago) link

two weeks pass...

They should have gone full-Onion with this one, e.g. "The suspect, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the two-time Oscar and three-time Golden Globe-winning star of such films as Argo and Batman v. Superman, is believed to be in his mid to late 20s."

https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2019/09/11/ben-affleck-look-alike-wanted-after-milton-lcbo-theft.html

dinnerboat, Wednesday, 11 September 2019 14:21 (four days ago) link


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