shit that looks like an onion article but isn't

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("wacky"/weird news does not apply)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/donald-j-trump/my-new-golf-course-a-sour_b_323741.html

banned, on the run (s1ocki), Saturday, 17 October 2009 08:05 (ten years ago) link

I was mentioned in the Press & Journal once - that should give you an idea of how prestigious Mr Trump's historian is.

Anyway, is that entire site an Onion parody?

Ismael Klata, Saturday, 17 October 2009 10:38 (ten years ago) link

lol comments

"As a leader of Intimacy Retreats and the author of Tantric Sex for Busy Couples: How to Deepen Your Passion in Just Ten Minutes a Day, I always recommend that couples schedule time for intimacy."

banned, on the run (s1ocki), Saturday, 17 October 2009 14:56 (ten years ago) link

While over 90% of the locals, politicians, businesses and top historians support my project\\

lol

Ned Trifle II, Saturday, 17 October 2009 15:02 (ten years ago) link

LOL at that trump article

a perfect urkel (gbx), Saturday, 17 October 2009 15:20 (ten years ago) link

one month passes...

http://www.thedeclaration.org/article/more-just-secondhand-news

I know what you’re thinking. I don’t want to read another review of that frickken Phish show! Plus I can totally download the concert for free off the internet. HELLZ NO. Last week, I saw Fleetwood Fucking Mac, and it was the greatest night of my life, and I’m going to tell you all about how much it ruled.

ian, Friday, 20 November 2009 03:42 (ten years ago) link

three months pass...

http://grab.by/2ywT

f1ocki (s1ocki), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:05 (nine years ago) link

also file under "shit that looks like a hipster runoff post but isn't"

f1ocki (s1ocki), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:06 (nine years ago) link

file under 'headlines that would've made absolutely no sense to anyone 15 years ago'

i am a big fan of japanese women (donna rouge), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:25 (nine years ago) link

"Fast-growing public fighting memes" is a pretty big category.

Dark Notion (Abbott), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:26 (nine years ago) link

can you imagine actually reading an explanation of why this particular public fight meme has had an accelerated rate of adoption compared to other public fight memes?

f1ocki (s1ocki), Saturday, 20 February 2010 18:32 (nine years ago) link

Is there even another public fight meme other than bumfights? I remember that grew pretty fast...

As your Dentist I recommend smoking: (Viceroy), Saturday, 20 February 2010 19:03 (nine years ago) link

pretty much every article by the DPRK's news service

we like the cars. the cars that go burbbhrbhbbhbburbbb. (los blue jeans), Saturday, 20 February 2010 19:41 (nine years ago) link

http://images.forbes.com/media/commentary/jflint.jpg

pithfork (Hurting 2), Tuesday, 23 February 2010 23:17 (nine years ago) link

no, von trier, nooooooo!

Nhex, Thursday, 25 February 2010 04:54 (nine years ago) link

http://img265.imageshack.us/img265/8057/theage.jpg

badg, Thursday, 25 February 2010 05:14 (nine years ago) link

Grandpa Wins $10000 iTunes Gift Card

this is awful I want Togo home (harbl), Friday, 26 February 2010 12:44 (nine years ago) link

I would like to see von Trier incorporate all these stories into his Taxi Driver remake.

that guy who doesn't get it but doesn't know he doesn't get it (M.V.), Friday, 26 February 2010 18:16 (nine years ago) link

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1254205/High-noon-Stamford-Bridge-John-Terry-comes-face-face-man-betrayed-shake-hands.html

The entire dailymail site had some choice cuts but I went with this one.

RubyNoir, Saturday, 27 February 2010 16:33 (nine years ago) link

lol @ comments on stan's article.

ABBAcab (Trayce), Sunday, 28 February 2010 20:50 (nine years ago) link

i like to read this thread title like:

shit! that looks like an onion article but isn't

bracken free ditch (Ste), Sunday, 28 February 2010 21:07 (nine years ago) link

three weeks pass...

http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/03/22/real.men.eat.salad/index.html?hpt=Mid

(CNN) -- Real men eat salads. I know this because I am a dude. Right now, in my fridge, I have five bottles of hot sauce, a jar of Cheez Whiz and half a pack of hot dogs. But recently I went to lunch with a couple of buds, and I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard.

It was a basic frissée salad with bacon, shallots and a poached egg, tossed in a light vinaigrette. Frissée is a curly, toothsome leaf, bitter enough to balance bacon and egg but still possessed of a pleasant spring.

My friends laughed at me. They pointed. One ordered a burger, the other fried calamari. I was chastised for not eating "man food."

For those of you who aren't familiar with this gender normative term, "man food" is food that you'd imagine a lumberjack or a cowboy or a Viking would eat. Towers of butter-soaked pancakes. Pots of napalm-hot chili. Meat on a bone.

Thoroughly unsubtle, "man food" is rustic fare meant to satisfy a hearty appetite. Quantity is prized over quality. Calories are "fun points." The more "fun points," the tastier the belly filler.

But sometimes a dude needs a change. Specifically, a salad. A fresh, crisp, crunchy salad. Salads offer breathers between manly meals. Spinach, cucumber, tomato, red onions, mushrooms, chickpeas, oil and vinegar -- that is my usual jam.

I don't need any fancy, goopy dressings compromising my vegetables. (What does a ranch actually taste like, anyway?) Sometimes, I might throw some almonds or walnuts up in there. I've been known to be down with blueberries and mandarin oranges. I like bacon or grilled chicken on occasion. I am not a fan of unnecessary carbs like croutons. And then there are those moments I go crazy and get a frissée freakin' salad.

I didn't evolve without help. There was a time where, if I cut myself shaving, I'd bleed sausage gravy. My heart squeezed more than it pumped. And I also grew what I call "fat wings."

Luckily, the woman I was dating at that time didn't like any of those things. Being able to sit in a bathtub full of buffalo wings is every dude's birthright, but I eventually learned that being attractive for your significant other is also pretty manly.

My girlfriend was a smart woman and didn't bring up my devolving into a human biscuit. What she did was announce that we were going to save money so that Saturday nights, we could go to the local barbecue joint and destroy some cow with our faces.

Obviously, my first thought was, "Aww, she wants me to help her lose weight." So I humored her. She came home from the supermarket with a stack of plastic disposable containers. In each, she put one potential salad ingredient. Not only the ones that would become my favorite but kidney beans, green peppers, corn and pepperoni slices.

She created a mini-salad bar in our fridge. It was easy, and I was told I could eat as much as I wanted. This became my lunch and occasional dinner.

You know what? We saved money. I lost weight. Gained energy. And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

I kept this up this salad-centric diet for months. My friends would come over to watch a fight or brawl on the PlayStation, and I'd meet them at the door with a salad in my hand.

The landlord would need my help with some drywall; I'd put my salad down.

At work, I'd articulate corporate strategy during lunch meetings spearing cucumbers in my lucky bowl of awesome salad. I made eating salad sexy. I made it macho, macho.

Is it rabbit food? Friend, if it's rabbit food, then that rabbit is the size of a ferocious bear.

My friends poked fun at me as I munched on my fancy salad. It was tasty. I love how the warm yolk from the poached egg lightly coated the frissée, adding a dimension of hardiness to a dish with such leafy bounce. And the bacon chunks added just the right amount of fatty salt, more sturdy ballast. I wiped my mouth.

We were out celebrating one guy's birthday. The other guy, an old friend from college, was "in-between gigs." It had been another tough year. "Salad is not man food," they mocked. Oh, but it is. I ordered a final round of beers. Then I picked up the check.

Are salads manly? What is the manliest salad? Are you the sort of guy who wouldn't touch a salad if a gun was put to his head? Tell us in the comments whether you think salads can count as "man food."

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:33 (nine years ago) link

where to start

call all destroyer, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:38 (nine years ago) link

I love how the warm yolk from the poached egg lightly coated the frissée, adding a dimension of hardiness to a dish with such leafy bounce. And the bacon chunks added just the right amount of fatty salt, more sturdy ballast. I wiped my mouth.

YUM YUM

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:38 (nine years ago) link

Is that an Anderson Cooper piece?

FIST FIGHT! FIST FIGHT! FIST FIGHT IN THE PARKING LOT! (milo z), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:40 (nine years ago) link

Being able to sit in a bathtub full of buffalo wings is every dude's birthright

Who does this?

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:41 (nine years ago) link

why doesnt he just call it a salad lyonnaise

max, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:42 (nine years ago) link

good salad btw--i saw jacques pepin make one once on PBS, he poached the egg in like 2 inches of olive oil

max, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:43 (nine years ago) link

where to start

― call all destroyer, Tuesday, March 23, 2010 4:38 PM

I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard. I ordered a salad. I ordered it hard.

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:44 (nine years ago) link

"Salad is not man food," they mocked. Oh, but it is. I ordered a final round of beers. Then I picked up the check.

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:45 (nine years ago) link

pooping before bathing in your tub of buffalo wings

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:46 (nine years ago) link

but what about:

And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.
And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

call all destroyer, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:46 (nine years ago) link

And my girlfriend and I, well, let's just say we had the whoopee time.

xpost HA!

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:46 (nine years ago) link

Calories are "fun points." The more "fun points," the tastier the belly filler.

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:47 (nine years ago) link

"""""""""fun points"""""""""

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:47 (nine years ago) link

this guy needs to advertise his services, like:

john devore, a local "dude," will talk to you about what is manly and how it is different from what you might think.

call all destroyer, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:48 (nine years ago) link

first of all, i want to know why this is on cnn.com? what is the market for this? do people read articles on cnn.com aside from actual news?

secondly, how is it that articles like this get pitched/accepted/assigned like... 5 years after a meme like "man food" became a "thing". if you had shown the text of this to me undated i would've been all "no way this was written after 2005, not a chance"

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:48 (nine years ago) link

had no idea that calories were fun points. i mean, i like fun!

call all destroyer, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:49 (nine years ago) link

Maybe once age and decrepitude have strip-mined by palette, I'll think about swilling a Yoo-Hoo. The risk-taking of a convalescent. But even then, I doubt I'll wrap my wrinkled lips around a Yoo-Hoo jar.

Read more: http://www.esquire.com/blogs/lists/reasons-why-chocolate-drink-yoohoo-rocks-blog#ixzz0j2EUvn70

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:49 (nine years ago) link

someone get howie long to comment on this

☀☃ (am0n), Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:50 (nine years ago) link

uuuuuuuuuuughh did he really say "whoopee time" -- was this even edited? C'MON MAN

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:50 (nine years ago) link

okay, so maybe it's satire!

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:51 (nine years ago) link

maybe?

J0rdan S., Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:51 (nine years ago) link

no

Mr. Que, Tuesday, 23 March 2010 20:51 (nine years ago) link

Fraser Anning candidate who is robot sex expert given Queen's birthday honour

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2019/jun/11/fraser-anning-candidate-given-queens-birthday-honour

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Tuesday, 11 June 2019 07:48 (eight months ago) link

"Eating giant crab legs for YouTube has made her a millionaire, she says."

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/06/11/style/youtube-mukbang-bloveslife-bethany-gaskin.html

joygoat, Tuesday, 11 June 2019 15:33 (eight months ago) link

For Trayce's story, some context: Fraser Anning is an Australian Nazi

Yes sorry I meant to add context as to who he was but got distracted. Also I should have pasted his photo, good god.

Stoop Crone (Trayce), Friday, 14 June 2019 04:08 (eight months ago) link

If anyone LOOKED like a Nazi who wanted to fuck robots...

The Onion a month ago pic.twitter.com/LTdVtwD42f

— Doug Hageman (@DougHageman) June 14, 2019

shit that is an onion article ...

calzino, Saturday, 15 June 2019 16:37 (eight months ago) link

got another capitalism greatest hit. i will give you one hundred thousand dollars if you can guess the brand by the end pic.twitter.com/bwfJJLabg4

— Ryan Simmons (@rysimmons) June 27, 2019

mookieproof, Thursday, 27 June 2019 18:45 (seven months ago) link

lol, i thought that was the superbowl cotton ad; ending cracked me up

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Thursday, 27 June 2019 19:50 (seven months ago) link

hahahaha wut

d'ILM for Murder (Hadrian VIII), Thursday, 27 June 2019 21:13 (seven months ago) link

omg

gbx, Friday, 28 June 2019 17:23 (seven months ago) link

one month passes...

dark
https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/31/business/jeffrey-epstein-eugenics.html

Jeffrey E. Epstein, the wealthy financier and accused sex trafficker, had an unusual dream: He hoped to seed the human race with his DNA by impregnating women at his vast New Mexico ranch.

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Wednesday, 31 July 2019 20:06 (six months ago) link

Jeffrey Eugenides

The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 31 July 2019 20:10 (six months ago) link

three weeks pass...

Dairy Queen burgers are not made of human flesh, county coroner is forced to confirm https://t.co/5aHIFFVfcR

— The Washington Post (@washingtonpost) August 25, 2019

hedonic treadmill class action (Sanpaku), Sunday, 25 August 2019 20:51 (five months ago) link

two weeks pass...

They should have gone full-Onion with this one, e.g. "The suspect, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the two-time Oscar and three-time Golden Globe-winning star of such films as Argo and Batman v. Superman, is believed to be in his mid to late 20s."

https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/2019/09/11/ben-affleck-look-alike-wanted-after-milton-lcbo-theft.html

dinnerboat, Wednesday, 11 September 2019 14:21 (five months ago) link

bullkake

The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 11:35 (five months ago) link

Ugh. Don't you hate it when that happens?

StanM, Wednesday, 18 September 2019 12:07 (five months ago) link

lol I was thinking "What does Glenn Beck have to do with this now?"

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 13:52 (five months ago) link

Yarram Herd Services Committee vice chairman Aaron Thomas said the loss of 100 cryogenic cylinders of cattle semen will be a "huge blow" for the farmers.

i have questions about australian farmers' bull-milking methods

Is it true the star Beetle Juice is going to explode in 2012 (bizarro gazzara), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 14:06 (five months ago) link

reminds me, what do you call a field full of masturbating cows?

The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 18:18 (five months ago) link

beef stroganoff

The Ravishing of ROFL Stein (Hadrian VIII), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 18:18 (five months ago) link

lol

president of deluded fruitcakes anonymous (silby), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 18:56 (five months ago) link

This wearable chair could change how we work and travel pic.twitter.com/KO8QoUcrut

— Tech Insider (@techinsider) September 18, 2019

mookieproof, Wednesday, 18 September 2019 20:53 (five months ago) link

i dunno man for a music festival i might be willing to suffer the indignity

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Wednesday, 18 September 2019 21:35 (five months ago) link

Not sure why that video is 3 minutes long.

Man gets on bus, but can't use the bus seats because he has tech equiv of a shooting stick strapped to his arse.

koogs, Thursday, 19 September 2019 04:13 (five months ago) link

man is used to have chair strapped to his legs, sits down while not wearing them, breaks his assbone, sues, profit.

StanM, Thursday, 19 September 2019 04:51 (five months ago) link

can't wait until businesses require employees to bring their own chairs to work

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, 19 September 2019 13:40 (five months ago) link

Kids having to bring their own chairs to school - can see that happening under a Tory government <----- trenchant social commentary

Let them eat Pfifferlinge an Schneckensauce (Tom D.), Thursday, 19 September 2019 13:43 (five months ago) link

No ice. No stirrer. No glass. We're redefining how whisky can be enjoyed. Introducing The Glenlivet Capsule Collection #noglassrequired pic.twitter.com/F4MGErsfZM

— The Glenlivet (@TheGlenlivet) October 2, 2019

silverfish, Saturday, 5 October 2019 03:46 (four months ago) link

Justin Bieber defends buying designer kittens
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-49944571

"Justin Bieber has told animal rights group Peta to "suck it" after it criticised him for buying designer kittens rather than re-homing cats from a shelter. According to the Hollywood Reporter, the singer spent $35,000 (£28,000) on a pair of Savannah cats named Sushi and Tuna. ...

Sushi and Tuna are not the Canadian star's first exotic pets. In 2013 Justin was given a Capuchin monkey called OG Mally, which he tried to take on tour to Germany. The monkey was confiscated from him and donated to a German zoo."

I learn from another report that Bieber's monkey hasn't fared very well in the Zoo. "He still has issues speaking the Capuchin language. He still tries to imitate human speech. He sometimes makes weird scratchy sounds which are not typical for Capuchins. That’s why we think he still tries to talk to humans. ... he was taken away from his mother and natural family way too early. He did not learn to be a monkey."

You know, that raises a question. What if Superman's capsule had landed in the jungles of Paraguay, and he had been raised by capuchin monkeys instead of Ma and Pa Kent? He would be Tarzan, but with extraordinary powers. Instead of fighting General Zod he probably wouldn't give a toss about him - what would he care if the human race is enslaved by a bunch of Kryptonian fascists? - unless of course they tried to cut down the jungles, in which case he would be very upset.

Could Superman breed with monkeys? I know there's a comic where Superman landed in the Soviet Union - Superman: Red Son - but what if he landed in the jungle? What if he landed in the oceans, and was raised by dolphins? What if his capsule crashed into Jupiter instead and he was raised by space whales or floating gas creatures? The mind boggles.

Ashley Pomeroy, Saturday, 5 October 2019 16:22 (four months ago) link

xp finally, a whiskey pod to entice the future drinker who used to make tide pod memes

mh, Saturday, 5 October 2019 16:32 (four months ago) link

Sarah York

Guys I don’t know how to tell you this. Teens are gonna put these in their butts.


Local Idiot

Teens? I'm 37.

StanM, Saturday, 5 October 2019 17:14 (four months ago) link

mmm lukewarm whiskey with gelatin

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Saturday, 5 October 2019 20:00 (four months ago) link

seaweed based rather than gelatin, i thought, assuming they are the same as the capsules they handed out during the marathon.

but you've still got a mouth full of seaweed and whisky.

( https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/london-marathon-edible-water-bottle-capsules-a8889796.html )

koogs, Saturday, 5 October 2019 21:20 (four months ago) link

two weeks pass...

https://www.theguardian.com/music/2019/oct/21/drill-rapper-rico-racks-jailed-and-banned-from-rapping-certain-words

As part of his sentence, he was given a criminal behaviour order for five years. It prevents him from rapping words such as bandoe (a house used for drug dealing and consumption), trapping (dealing), and connect (a drugs contact). He is also banned from saying whipping, a slang term used for driving that has also been used to refer to drug preparation.

Le Bateau Ivre, Tuesday, 22 October 2019 08:53 (three months ago) link

New York arm-wrestling legend and his mom arrested for selling ‘Apricots From God’ as bogus cancer cure. https://t.co/pwy2h39FMo

— Jeanne Whalen (@JeanneWhalen) October 24, 2019

mookieproof, Thursday, 24 October 2019 14:35 (three months ago) link

one month passes...

Is...is everyone at The Athletic OK? Correct me if I’m wrong but it appears they have sent someone to Ireland to talk to someone who can’t remember taking a throw in. At what point do we stage an intervention? pic.twitter.com/40QMRRCPNn

— Daley (@DaleyAFC) October 24, 2019

actual piece is paywalled but these excerpts are certainly tantalising

wot's the tea mum? (not beef again) (DJ Mencap), Sunday, 24 November 2019 20:56 (two months ago) link

Guy makes dating app that features just one guy -- himself

Lee626, Tuesday, 26 November 2019 10:20 (two months ago) link

https://i.imgur.com/CGpdynW.jpg

mookieproof, Tuesday, 3 December 2019 20:07 (two months ago) link

I'm the assistant manager of my regional bathroom

Fuck the NRA (ulysses), Tuesday, 3 December 2019 20:28 (two months ago) link

Angry Mob Of Lawyers Attacks Hospital, Causing Deaths Of 3 Patients

Members of the mob, dressed primarily in dark suits, white shirts and black ties, and armed with sticks, beat hospital employees, damaged hospital equipment and smashed the doors of emergency theaters. Some fired gunshots, torched hospital and police vehicles and blocked the entry of arriving ambulances.

полезный инструмент (Sanpaku), Thursday, 12 December 2019 06:07 (two months ago) link

Cripes

Swilling Ambergris, Esq. (silby), Thursday, 12 December 2019 07:33 (two months ago) link

“Given the history of school violence that has plagued our community, 710 KNUS confirms that an inappropriate comment was made on the Chuck & Julie show by co-host Chuck Bonniwell,” the station said Wednesday evening. “A programming decision was made to end the program immediately.”

The Colorado Times Recorder was the first to report Bonniwell’s remark.

KNUS said it will fill the newly empty time slot with former Trump administration official Sebastian Gorka’s “America First” show.

The station is in the middle of an internal investigation over social media posts made on the Russian social media site VK. A user on that site with the same name as a KNUS producer, Kirk Widlund, posted pro-Nazi material that was uncovered by a local antifascist group.

Widlund has denied ever using the site. KNUS manager Brian Taylor declined to comment on the matter to TPM last Friday.

Peaceful Warrior I Poser (Karl Malone), Thursday, 19 December 2019 17:55 (two months ago) link

cool then

Muswell Hillbilly Elegy (President Keyes), Thursday, 19 December 2019 18:00 (two months ago) link

no knus is good knus

mookieproof, Thursday, 19 December 2019 19:52 (two months ago) link

one month passes...

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