Depression and what it's really like

because death is for wussies.

okay, two.

because you'd be insulting laura.

(when alexis was taken from me...so, suddenly, with no build up, just...alive, vibrant, calling me on her cell on the way to the airport at the beginning of the week and then...cold, in a box, made up by some ghoulish mary kay girl to recapture that flush she got when she was excited or turned on or laughing or angry or...alive...but that light had now gone out...it felt as if nine years had been eradicated from my life...i spent months feeling as if i was being cotinually...raped...mentally...and...i cant count the number of times i stood in front of a mirror...and thought...very seriously...calmly...about...doing...it...the big IT...it had never seemed so...easy...to slip away...

what stopped me?

imagining her...rage...at me doing something so stupid and fucking SELFISH...you have a fucking GIFT, man...you have the years she doesnt...you better fill them...every minute...with as much LIFE as you can...cuz like a baby you're eating for two now...and even if i ever find someone to make me feel the...unfettered joy...that she brought...i'll still be living the rest of my life FOR her in so many ways.

so don't do it.

okay?)

I still think there is not point but I'm not immobilised now. I can't tell you any reason to go on, just as I can't think of one for myself - except maybe hope and because it's easier to do nothing.

And by looking at the sky or touching a tree or digging in some dirt or lying on the grass, I am reminded that, even though there is no point, I might as well hang around and have momentary pleasurable experiences.

Shiatsu massage is one of those pleasureable experiences. Despite costing $50 and only lasting for an hour or so it may well be worth going on for.

www.shiatsu.8m.com/practitioners.htm

Go on, not because there's a point, but because eventually you'll learn to enjoy living again. I've never believed there's a point to life, but when you're not enjoying it either then it seems like you're just doing time.

I stopped wanting to do anything because no activity was enjoyable, so I had no inclination to do things. the inactivity was killing me and made it worse.

Regaining interest in things takes much healing time, but soon you become human again -- WANTING to do things. something I'd forgotten i ever did.

when you want to do something, and that thing is enjoyable, that's a feeling worth living for.

Want a hug so bad and the man won't be home for three hours. Fucking THESE DAYS. These fucking days.

::HUGZ:: come to ilx chatz is a happy fam

i give abbott hug & will not stab her man tonight even tho i want to

yes! come to chatz abbott there's lotsa love there

This book has helped me a lot.

**hug**

ILX thinks yr great, Abbs. Take that for whatever it's worth to you, you can totally pwn the next three hours.

I'd give him a call but like he needs to spend 15 minutes of work hearing me in choking sobs over the phone.

Why don't you give him a call and ask him to tell you a story, instead? That way you get to hear his voice and feel closer to him but won't feel like you're dumping on him...?

Also it will prob be a better story than the one about your dad and the birds. Because THAT'S not depressing or anything.

HAHAHAHA

I've been thinking about that one for the past few days. Why?

Hope the time passes quickly for you; depression is awful - I've so been there (not too badly lately, thankfully).

Hang in there. (And yeah, I'm sure that doesn't help much from a perfect stranger, but unless you're in southern Minnesota, it will be hard for me to invite you over for brownies or something!)

what kind of brownies

megabus is only a dollar and i'd pay a dollar for brownies.

http://forum.armedassault.info/style_emoticons/default/hug.gif

See? An hour has already passed! How you doin?

Damn this accursed MACHIIIIINE!

Just plain brownies! They are kind of fudgy - no nuts - very simple, with chocolate icing (really just chocolate chips melted with some butter). I made them because I was feeling low today.

Megabus sounds like something from My Neighbor Totoro. I must find out about it!

no weed, no visitation.

just kidding, id kill for any kind of homemade brownie right now.

and how is abbott doing now?? apparently no longer at her computer surfing ilx, which means: way better off than any of us.

I went and got a baked potato at Wendy's. Some good songs came on the radio that made me nostalgic. The nostalgia took me places I shouldn't have gone, but the potato was good. And, uh, pulling through, You guys 'r' swell.

megbus.

the bacon cheddar baked potato is the only baked potato worth having

you're crazy deeznuts. the bacon cheddar may be at the top of the baked potato hierarchy but by no means is it "the only baked potato worth having".

I am actually a fan of the potato skins with cheddar and bacon, with a side of sour cream and chives. Hit all the bases that way.

ok, fine. excuse me for being hyperbolic. the sour cream & chive is a delicious steal, & i would recommend it to anyone short of $2.49.

xp i didnt know this was possible?? i dont have a wendy's within 45 mins of me anymore tho

i know admitting it is like admitting that i enjoy the slaughter of kittens, but i have to say that i find baked potatos fairly nasty

Oh, not at Wendy's. They're awesome in diners or at home, though.

theyre mainly a starchy delivery device for cheese/sour cream/butter/etc

remy, do you eat them with like, stuff on them? cuz baked potatoes are disgusting, which is why you coat them w/ butter & sour cream & cheese & bacon, all of which are wonderful things that i fail to understand how anyone could not love.

xp tru!

fighting w/ my fiancee because i do what the psychiatrist + therapist tell me to do and she stubbornly fights them every inch of the way (we have different psychiatrists + therapists).

sucks.

Remy has v cultivated tastes, he probably likes more imaginative potato forms. I'm a simple person, though, and I like mine with lots and lots of salt and dairy product.

i havent had one of those in so long i should bake one up. sour cream is one of my favorite things.

actual potatoes made at my old apartment as part of an amorous evening. nothing hotter than cooking on a cold wet night.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2028/1582573169_debd965da4.jpg

rawr

Holy mother, give me those potatoes.

see, the ratio of baked potato:topping really has to be about 1:2 for me to eat without complaint, and by that point i could just as well be gnawing drywall. for what it's worth, i don't like french fries either, unless the fry:ketchup balance is tilted to a near-farcical point

Holy mother, give me those potatoes.

you can have the potatoes, give me that girl again...

Want a hug so bad and the man won't be home for three hours. Fucking THESE DAYS. These fucking days.

Trade 'man' for 'woman' and 'three hours' for '2 months'.

What's that sound effect in the Simpsons in the episode when Darlene from Roseanne tears out Bart's heart and throws it against the wall: "You won't be needing THIS anymore...ahahahahahaha"?

uuuuuuuuuunnnnngggggghhhhhhhh

Sorry, didn't see this had been bumped. Appreciate the thoughts.

It's just been hard, as my son has gotten older and is spending more time with friends and I've found a little more free time, the lack of friends has become more glaring. I keep thinking, "hey, it would be cool to go see that band with someone" and then remembering there are absolutely zero people I could reach out to for that sort of thing. Not that I'm afraid to go to shows solo, I do it a lot, just would be nice from time to time to go with someone to talk about it with afterwards or w/e.

Part of the challenge, beyond just how hard it is to make friends as an adult, is that most of my interests don't alight with chances to get to know more people, even those who share said interests.

Not going to most of the gigs I'd like to go to is a thing I accept nowadays to the extent I mostly forget that I could even go on my own. I just...don't do stuff.

^^^
i used to buy advance tickets in an effort to make myself go, but soon realized it was just a waste of money

hey jon, i just wanted to say that i really appreciate the breadth of your knowledge and your generosity on ilm, and all the times i make a post about a random harder rock band and see an enthusiastic response from you it raises my spirits. you rule!

hey, map, appreciate that post. i'm not sure how i missed that five months ago, but thanks!

really struggling these past few weeks. i can't pinpoint any one specific cause, but i've been blindsided a little by this nearly overwhelming feeling of worthlessness.

more shouting into the void, but, yeah, same post above still applies. obviously not helped by the election bullshit.

i don't know, just feeling pretty worthless and questioning the point of things. like, i just genuinely don't think i exist to, or even enter the minds of, 98% of the people in my life unless they need something from me or for me to complete a task for them. p much just feel like a tool that people shove in the back of the drawer until they need me again.

hard hard day today. bad month in a bad year.

i'm sorry brimstead. things really feel pretty fucking bleak and hopeless. wish i had better words to offer, but i'm honestly struggling with the point of even trying at this point. the bad guys always win and trying to be a good person is a liability.

thanks jon, hope you can find some bright spots today. i’m immersed in bleakness right now but I’ve got a dr’s appointment later today for which I’m grateful.

So sorry, folks.

jvc -- do you talk to someone? Imagining what other people are thinking and deciding what they think of you absent solid evidence is a curable condition aiui. And if even your fears were borne out, that sounds like a them problem.

i do, thankfully i have an appointment tonight. i don't know, this is an ongoing struggle obviously heightened by shitty world events. logically i can see how this is a "them" problem, but otoh, it really feels bad to constantly have "friends" reach out to you solely when they want something and never to just check in or arrange for a hang out.

i do, thankfully i have an appointment tonight. i don't know, this is an ongoing struggle obviously heightened by shitty world events. logically i can see how this is a "them" problem, but otoh, it really feels bad to constantly have "friends" reach out to you solely when they want something and never to just check in or arrange for a hang out.

i mean, yeah, i do have that 2% of people in my life that are truly there for me and aren't treating me in a transactional manner, but i can count those folks on less than one full hand. sometimes it would just be nice to feel valued beyond that, or at least y'know, acknowledged and/or appreciated sometimes. i mean, even here i've been posting on ilxor for damn near two decades, if not longer, and i still feel like p much a complete non-entity and watch so many of my posts on ILM just sink without engagement. but, y'know, maybe part of it is that perhaps i just need to accept that i'm not an interesting or worthwhile person! or maybe just that people don't give a shit at all about anyone else. which, given the election, is probably largely v v v v true!

part of why i feel particularly shitty this week is that, in the wake of the election, i wanted to make sure i was trying. so i purposefully and intentionally made myself reach out to five friends/acquaintances that i haven't talked to recently, just to check in with them. i still haven't heard a word from 4 of them, the only 1 who did respond didn't even acknowledge my text and instead asked a small favor of me (which is fine! and i would have done it anyway! but still...)

Jon, just wanna let you know that I read your posts and you're one of the more thoughtful posters on the board.. I feel like I'm just mostly a quipping wag

Whatever you're experiencing, that is your truth and you deserve to have it acknowledged. (Joan Jett has a great song called "Fake Friends" that you might check out!) I don't want to offer any guidance or 'advice' but just want to let you know that you're not alone

I somehow have avoided the chemical depression that my (estranged) mother and my (mostly estranged) sister were born with, but I definitely have seasonal funks, hangover depression, and some pointed existential shit ("Why the fuck are we even bothering?" kinda shit) so I feel pretty lucky: mostly optimistic and assuming that tomorrow will be another day and things will get better, all that shit we use to delude ourselves. But I've existed in the orbit of some genuine depressives so I've learned that sunny platitudes aren't really helpful. Glad you have someone to talk to, and don't hesitate to bring it back here

It’s so hard dealing with all of this, commiserations and solidarity!

My late mom was fairly narcissistic, self-isolating and depressive my entire life, especially when I was in high school. She and my little sister were totally codependent, which got worse the older they got. I wasn’t intellectually or temperamentally attracted to that. She discovered FOX instead of doing a history degree as a mature student (what I thought she should do in retirement) and then she apparently started going to Trump rallies, ew. I think the genesis of her problems was her own mother having a psychotic post-partum meltdown, which meant one of Mom’s first memories was watching my grandmother get bundled out of the house by men in white coats, and all that meant in 1950 (yes, there was Thorazine, straitjackets, the wards and a lobotomy). I think my mom did the best she could, with nobody to model maternal behaviour at home, but I can’t really blame her for those outcomes. She was also TERRIFIED she’d wind up like Grandma Bernice. I don’t mourn our political chats, though.

“ i mean, even here i've been posting on ilxor for damn near two decades, if not longer, and i still feel like p much a complete non-entity and watch so many of my posts on ILM just sink without engagement.”

Jon, I’ve been here a long time too and this still happens to me. It isn’t just you!

Thanks Andy, suzy and Raymond, appreciate the kind and helpful words. Feeling a little better after last night, not an easy answer but a good reminder to not let all or nothing thinking cloud things and to not really rely on others for fulfillment that they may or may not provide anyway.

Glad to help! I have had so much to unpick since my mom died but I’m glad she at least left me with the ability to take the time to sort my own head out. Haven’t spoken directly to my sister since May, mostly down to political arguments which then turn into arguments about Mom and about her feeling undervalued by me.

In other news, I was on the way home this morning and while I was waiting for a bus, a nearby woman in her 60s suddenly started choking and flailing, so since my superpower in these situations is yelling and not first aid, shouted for help. A tall barista ran over from the coffee cart and Heimliched the lady. A piece of chocolate flew out of her mouth - life definitely saved! She was badly shaken so I told her to go home and be gentle with herself, and that she’d probably feel weirdly ashamed for a few days. But alive!

Wow, glad you were able to be in the right place at the right time to save a life!

Happened to me a few years ago at a private view and I really felt mortification around the idea of death by canapé.

"Jon, I’ve been here a long time too and this still happens to me. It isn’t just you!"

my theory is this is because of phones! but i have no way to back that up because i have never seen ilx on a phone. i just figure people on a phone would look at the most current post and not scroll through old stuff because people are very very lazy. again, just a theory!

I can throw some otm’s your way if you want

jon as always, I consider you a friend and you are definitely not a non-entity to me <3

oh but i also wanted to say: i am sorry for anyone feeling sad! i was really in a bleak place and it took me sooooo long to ask for help and i am finally feeling better thanks to medicine and i just don't know what i would have done if this new stuff hadn't worked. probably started smoking and drinking again. that's just a guess. but it literally took me years to finally get up the nerve to make an appointment with my medical place and talk to a doctor-type (nurse practitioner) and then i had to wait SIX months for that appointment and then TWO months of the wrong medicine that just made me feel worse and FINALLY getting the right stuff and feeling a little better every week.
my point is: sometimes it can take a long friggin' time and i guess you have to just hang in there. and a lot of those crappy feelings - the all or nothing thing, the feeling of worthlessness, the feeling like you are all alone - CAN get better or even go away. it can really feel like that stuff will never end.

my little vacation to NOLA was really restorative in a way vacations usually aren't (usually, you know, you come back home to the same problems and your mood goes sour). had gotten to a good headspace, starting to dissociate less and allow myself to be more vulnerable again. then the election and the bullshit with my mother this morning happened.

I'm no longer in a place where bad shit is going to immobilize me altogether or create wild, emotional mood swings in me - I'm long past that now. but the dissociating is now right back to where it was before the vacation. and I really need to not be this way given what's coming (well, what's already HERE) in this country. going to keep fighting it by forcing myself to keep the connections I have alive and check on those who care about me - bonus points if I can do it without drinking

Thanks Neando, I was just catching up on your news for the day. I'm really sorry you are dealing with that, but it sounds like you handled the situation in a really good way - seemed very firm but loving and supportive.

i haven't watched the news or read a news story since the morning after election day. i scan the front page of newspapers online but i never click on anything. i totally recommend it!

i have allowed myself daily show and kimmel monologues. in general though a news blackout right now is exactly what the doctor ordered. and, yeah, focusing on my town/family/friends/business.

i'm already doing that cos I know what I'll be like come late Dec/January

Ditto on the news blackout--1 week down, 200-something to go.

No more waking up to NPR, now it's WFMU or podcasts while I get ready. No more checking news on my phone during lunch; I'm even avoiding my sarcastic liberal Wonkette for now. Instead I'm cracking a book for the first time in maybe 3 years.

Ignorance IS bliss!

yeah I just can’t with the news either, I already have enough stuff to brood and curl up into a ball about.

I also took a trip out of the last month and it was great. I loved it so much, I hadn’t had so much fun and felt so safe and unbothered in quite a while. Even though I had a cold much of the time. I guess that’s what vacations are for.

Yeah, I can't say I'm 100% news free, but I have significantly restricted it. CDs only in the car for work, D&D and music podcasts, no more Twitter (beyond bookmarking posts with BSky names for folks I'll want to follow when I set up show there), otherwise very limited. Problem is I work with a lot of people who are VERY politics engaged and I'm going to hear things from them, but fortunately that's not overwhelmingly frequent.

(and yes, I know there is some privilege involved in being able to just tune this out, but if I don't take care of my mental health now, I'm not going to be able to show up later when I need to help push back in what ways I can)

love to all who are struggling

so many of my posts on ILM just sink without engagement

fwiw jon I usually check out any music you recommend on ILM because I've enjoyed a lot of your suggestions in the past

i haven't watched the news or read a news story since the morning after election day.

Me too! Nada. Not even the front pages! Fuck the news.

If it's any consolation to any ILXors, I've had my ups and downs like everyone else, and that's the thing: every single feeling I've experienced, every single bad thought or moment of panic or nihilism or anything, I've encountered literally the exact same sentiments from people I know and love and respect, almost identical to my own thoughts. Which is to say, we are not alone, there are millions of us, and so on. Especially here, in Chicago!

Still, I did tell my family that as far as I'm concerned, it's all books, movies, TV shows, video games, all sorts of positive distractions for the foreseeable future. Should the moment come when I'm asked to participate politically I'll probably happily clock back in and do whatever more than usual it is that I can, but until then, fuck all this shit that is out of my control. Pass me a beer and let me enjoy enjoy the temperate fall, go for walks, pick up a a new hobby or two. Volunteer at a food pantry. Learn to play guitar. Play music loud. Bake some bread. Grant me the etc. My shuffle just sent me "Son of a Gun" by the Vaselines, and for those four minutes all was good. Repeat.

Jon, I don’t post much and I’ve never gotten too close with anyone here so I tend to not comment on personal things; often I don’t feel that I have anything of interest to add. But you’re good people and I enjoy having you here, for what it’s worth.

I finally emotionally collapsed from the horribleness of today.

No alcohol involved. I just feel like a charging port that 500 people are trying to use.

Going dark for the weekend

Thanks Brad and Cow_Art, appreciate!

Neando - sounds like you might not see this until next week, but take care of yourself and recharge this weekend. Sending good thoughts your way.

Take care, N

Looks like this book is a few months old... but a cookbook for people who are too depressed/anxious to make food for themselves
(maybe should be under the U.S. dystopia thread?)

https://assets.vogue.com/photos/67479d7b6ba45e55ae8645db/master/w_1920,c_limit/81OSSKp5nYL._SL1500_.jpg

dr. strongo's neuvo cuisine

there's definitely something dystopian about the expectation that we are all individually expected to prepare or pay for our own meals 3x a day 7 days/week. no wonder it stressed people out

Soup kitchens for the cooking averse

They really like eggs … very few of these images contain things I feel like eating when depressed that are actually healthy. The bread is depressing looking tbh, and I like good bread, especially when depressed .

that food looks horrifying like and too much work tbh