Blue Saturday

marquis de sadness

A+++

I realised it was realm three quarters in and thought I'd self corrected but I'm glad you did Fizz

Weirdly it wasn't a convo to be had in the drinkingy pubs I'm in now THIS IS NPT A CRITQUE EXXEP SELF MAYBE

my god, I'm full of bars

Friends and lovely people have cut me off from every local bar. Swear to god I will kill motherfuckers rather rthw inot drk k

ONLY GOD CAN STOP.M ME ABD RTBAT CC UNT I'SNT REALI WILL DIE I A DOTCH OVER THIS

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcRt-dMrrMO9il9ZHLsSVCeN73vq-fpS7AkQcNN9JFvggG7vDU_h

This is a thread for ILXors ON THE WAGON (and for the Wagon Curious)

when you wonder why it's so dark at 9 in the morning and then it gradually dawns on you

Honest to god I've either lost or gained 12 hours

T H I S I S T H E F U T U R E

So after something close to 36 hours on the lash I kinda found myself back at home. I thought it was 9 in the morning, it was the evening. I started to feel pretty lousy in the middle of the night. I get this cold wave thru my chest, and a dizzy brain zap, cold sweats. I think I'm gonna die.

Beacause everyone knows you can't die outside I dragged clothes on and walked outside. Half four in the morning maybe. I shambled along the surprisingly busy streets, shaking, twitching, doing little stimmy hand flaps and fake coughing to kick start the heart I imagined was gonna stop. I walked right into town, decided I needed a taxi to A&E. No taxis. Kept walking. Not walking it off. Freaking the fuck out.

I register and I can't sit down. I step in the corridor to lessen the impact of my passing. I'm doing laps of that corridor, punctuated with going in the toilet to splash water on my face and neck and rubbing the sanitary gel on my hands and forearms for the cooling effect. I' d say I was embarrassed and ashamed but I passed that stop some time back. I know sleep will help but I'm too terrified to sleep. It won't be sleep, it'll be unconsciousness, literal death.

Triage nurse finally calls my name. She's lovely, excuses my weepy self-recriminations, talks about professional non-judgement, tries her hardest to calm me. She tells me this is likely withdrawal. Gives me 30mg of librium. They've only got it in fives and we laugh at my little cup full of pills. I go outside for 10, pacing in the very necessary dawn drizzle waiting for a kick that doesn't really come. After 20 minutes I see the triage nurse again and she ECGs me. I explain a little about how badly I've fucked my life. I honestly don't think I realised before today just how much I loathe myself. She says my heart is fast but doesn't look heart attack. Doctor needs to confirm. I go back out for a pace.

The doctor is also love, pro, honest, talking at my level. Heart rate is fast - told her she probably couldn't tell but I'm not a marathon runner. Discussed my plans. Review my antidepressants and up the dose. Contact counselling service. Contact alcohol service. She told me not to cold turkey, to have a litle drink when I got home. I'm in Aldi now. I was still shaking like the proverbial shitting dog so she gave me another 30 of librium, words of comfort, wishes of good luck.

To be continued.

i was worried about you yesterday, glad you’re on the other side of it with medical help

love u man

my god, I'm full of bars

*standing o*

Echoing BG's comment here, I'm very glad your surreal night brought you professional help and that all people involved were so very nice (although I can imagine that can equally feel like adding to embarrassment, it's what they're for, it's what they do).

Love you <3

rosé spritzer with breakfast. that's civilized isn't it? chic, even. i don't want a drink but i need to make the terror stop by any means. doctor told me i was physically fine, but i'm still poorly and afraid.

i was gonna do a bit about how i'm not writing to request sympathy and people telling me i'm not a lump because i am a lump, a terrible lump undeserving of sympathy or love. but that's the dickish mantra of depression isn't it? i'm just a human. i've made many bad life decisions and i've been feckless and selfish and i've hurt people. but i've hurt myself more than anybody else thru the years i guess. i'm just a human. and i write about to record it and remember it and look at myself but y'know it's pretty fucking selfish to ignore and dismiss other people's love and concern and good opinion of you.

so thank you. everybody. more than i can express.

ooh apparently i tore my rotator cuff on monday which felt far too sportsy but apparently it's just getting oldsy. also drunkenly falling into metal postsy.

i need to seek all the help i need, but maybe not today. too tired, too sad, too ill. rest day. every day's rest day lol you layabout Vague.

i wanna apologise to anybody who's ever messaged me on Facebook because i can be quite a flakey unresponder. i realised this morning i'm shy about it, embarrassed by the intimacy? big mean-spirited nasty Trolldle Vague is just a shy little squirtle hiding in my hard shell. sorry for that. i needed to stop telling myself i'm a dick but i also need to stop being a dick.

i love all y'all. you're here when nobody else is - or when i won't let anybody else be here.

gonna try to try harder.

m8

Wonders of Burma is on Smithsonian Channel which is what I need, dreams of beautiful temples and music and why am I so desperately attached to attachment.

sorry for flippancy, gl dude.

Take care, NV

I’m glad you saw the dr as well. Was worried when you said you were drinking again but not exactly my place to say, but promise no judgement. If you want someone to talk to/distract you if you feel like a drink, I’m happy to be that person (if that’s not too weird which it probably is tbh). But I hope you keep seeing the professionals and I’m really glad they were kind and helped you.

sorry for flippancy, gl dude.

Flippancy is the appropriate and funny response to my nonsense :)

Thanks everybody. Need to envision a future me that doesn't self define as the delightfully entertaining town drunk

i'm not writing to request sympathy and people telling me i'm not a lump because i am a lump
Flippancy is the appropriate response to my nonsense

with these two remarks in mind I wish to inform you that, NV, you're our favourite lump <3

(I'm glad the docs were helpful and kind, and hope you take them up on their referrals and that the next stage people are helpful and kind too; good luck with everything, and let us know if we can help in any way)

...I wrote that as someone who has mentally composed many never-sent posts (possibly also some sent ones) to the "feel like a lump" thread starting with "no need to tell me I'm not a lump bcz I am a lump but"

but I feel mean now so btw your later assessment is correct, you are not a lump but a human and a good-hearted, smart, funny human who's doing their best despite the hurt and this oppressively capricious universe and the dickish depression mantra in their head

good wishes, NV

Thank you :)

Don't feel mean, you never are, you just have your own horrible inner mantra

I have a disconsolate daughter who desperately wanted to play Frenchy in her drama school's big Grease production next year and just got stiffed partly I think cos she's not in the in clique, not just saying it as a doting father who doesn't how to make her feel better, that young woman can really sing and she bleeds musical theatre. Guess I need to concentrate on the important stuff.

thinking of you and wishing you the best

in the 12-step meeting they say "your bottom is whenever you decide to stop digging" - just throwing that out there

As always, good luck NV!

you are a big selfish lump and an important and lovable human being worthy of a clip around the ear and a bollocking and all the love and admiration and comfort offered here and elsewhere.

wouldve messaged you yesterday but i was dealing with a lump having his own prolonged blue saturday out west, but i want to note i thought of you at stages throughout and ought ruefully note that at times throughout id rather have been surpervising/participating on your little weekend jaunt that filling a skip in mayo tbh

just remember that Duck's on your team in every major European language

I meant to add a "BTW i love ducks 🦆" line to one of today's posts :D

I have a disconsolate daughter who desperately wanted to play Frenchy in her drama school's big Grease production next year and just got stiffed partly I think cos she's not in the in clique

aw :(

also *fistbump*

I took her out for tea, she'd had time to calm down and stop telling herself she's no good. Proud of her.

i am not going to drink today. for the last hour all i've been thinking about is drinking. fuck is wrong with me?

Hang in there NV. Sending good wishes and care from across the pond.

thank you :)

we may end up with a long run of me posting "i am not going to drink today" for a while

it's the maddest thing? i guess the point is when i drink i don't have to think about or deal with all the stuff i might have to think about and deal with if i'm sober. also i don't know how to get thru the days otherwise lately, i feel the hours of inability to do anything loom ahead and a little fuse in my brain bursts.

i'm not going drink today tho. just kinda horrified to watch the yen to do it bubbling in my head.

Stay strong NV and yeah post away if it helps you stay off the sauce!

This thread exists for a reason, so spam away as needed.

Being able to differentiate yourself from the yen is a solid start btw.

i've been worried probably since before i started recognising that i was getting ill that i might never be able to concentrate or engage in anything that requires sustained concentration ever again :\ so blathering on the internet might be all i've got

i'm going for a chat with my employer shortly so hey at least i'm up and wearing outside clothes

i think im in that place a long time now, its pretty liveable for me but i recognise i may not be particularly invested in deep thoughts (mine or tbh anyone else's)

I think I am the opposite, I tend to get overly focused on whatever is causing me trouble and just...not really engage much with friends and family. It’s a total tell.

ah deep formless emotion/sink thats different

Is rud difriúil é.

Scéal eile. Sorry I’ll stop shitposting now

definitely recognising that feeling too, it's liveable here now but prob a disappointment to my parents who were into the book learning and intricate calculation-based sciences, and I worry myself that as someone without looks or social skills or dexterity or strength it closes down another major avenue of employment and there's not much left

(oh, I can go down a wormhole of bad emotions, or of going 10 pages deep into Google results when normal people would have stopped after the first link, or deciding that I can only start a work task once I've read all tangentially related documentation including 400-page books I already know basically all the content of, but not sure that's the same as concentrating, just letting more information wash over my still-empty skull as a backdrop to fretting about said emptiness)

anyway I am always up for more Noodle "blathering on the internet" for me to read as I while away my days hoping my boss doesn't notice I'm not concentrating on anything (am putting off an already very overdue work email, ahem)

hope the chat goes OK

heh i think that describing these things pithily and accurately is a talent you have aps, im afraid i dunno how marketable that is :(

I have never before been described as pithy but let me take the next 48 screenfuls to thank you profusely for your kind words

I'll just get my thesaurus for some more superfluous adjectives and adverbs, and let me start with a story about my youth, or moreover the youth of a friend of mine - well, I call them a friend, but it might be fairer to say... <Telegraph pay-wall fade-out here>

deciding that I can only start a work task once I've read all tangentially related documentation including 400-page books I already know basically all the content of, but not sure that's the same as concentrating, just letting more information wash over my still-empty skull as a backdrop to fretting about said emptiness

Basically the title of my autobiography <3

xp genuinely loled at the fade out (please post more in general though)

thanks for assuming i missed having deep thoughts and i can relate to everything everybody said but i just meant i wanted to be able to read a book or sit thru a whole film in one go :D