Blue Saturday

every morning I start the day with a glass of Rocks Orange concentrate mixed with sparkling water. That's a very wholesome type of fizzy drink imo.

Yeah mixing most cordials with sparkling water is good. Tetley weirdly do this lime and elderflower one that’s really good but barely available anywhere.

yall just fyi this mix of deep house classics put a huge smile on my face this morning

https://soundcloud.com/rinsefm/chaosinthecbd230819

I'll be on that tomorrow morning :)

I've remembered why drinking is bad not good. Oh I met some student libertarians last night. Cunts.

Wait I've just seen a Macmillan "Go sober for October" advert self-destruction is the only morally correct response

John Thaw is drinking warm breakfast vodka in The Sweeney and the very thought is making me bowk

is that the animated one where one character offers another one a drink, they say ‘no’ and then turn into a superhero?

that ad is fucking infuriating because the superhero refuses a drink with a flat ‘no’, not a ‘no, thank you’, which is fucking terrible manners and makes them unfit to be a superhero ffs

Damn straight

Also when charities nag me I get hives

well, yeah

I drunkenly fell into a beer garden umbrella last night and fucked my shoulder up and now I can't hardly move and yeah sobriety is probably the right idea tho but y'know what is this world if full of care

Mr Horrible
Mr Horrible
Telephone call for Mr Horrible

I watched the sunrise get it right along the Banks of the Humber

Alll clouds and infinity

What the fuck are we

What the fuck are the windows cleaners

I know it's Suxlumdsr today

I made wobble Mom

He killed a motherfucking chicken - baby - chockeemmmmmm

I think that my ugliness might be a thing to annoy me with

How’s your shoulder?

Knackered but I figured out a quality anasthetic

The sky is beautiful cloud-checked blue and in 2 minutes the Spooniez people will seelll me booze unless they decide I'm undesirable but lol come the fuck on it's Spoons unless I look remoany I'm in

Tbc

*Adam Curtis voice*

He looked remoany

*Tim Spoonie voice*

Nobody gave one (1) fuck

*Steve Albini voice*

This is Hull, we do what we want

*Sweep voice*

SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE

All Rory Stewart was the reginbrau

Ah bollocks it's reign of dusk

REIGN of dusk

Hi die hi

Somebody spiked my marquis haha

realm actually too. still it worked.

marquis de sadness

A+++

I realised it was realm three quarters in and thought I'd self corrected but I'm glad you did Fizz

Weirdly it wasn't a convo to be had in the drinkingy pubs I'm in now THIS IS NPT A CRITQUE EXXEP SELF MAYBE

my god, I'm full of bars

Friends and lovely people have cut me off from every local bar. Swear to god I will kill motherfuckers rather rthw inot drk k

ONLY GOD CAN STOP.M ME ABD RTBAT CC UNT I'SNT REALI WILL DIE I A DOTCH OVER THIS

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcRt-dMrrMO9il9ZHLsSVCeN73vq-fpS7AkQcNN9JFvggG7vDU_h

This is a thread for ILXors ON THE WAGON (and for the Wagon Curious)

when you wonder why it's so dark at 9 in the morning and then it gradually dawns on you

Honest to god I've either lost or gained 12 hours

T H I S I S T H E F U T U R E

So after something close to 36 hours on the lash I kinda found myself back at home. I thought it was 9 in the morning, it was the evening. I started to feel pretty lousy in the middle of the night. I get this cold wave thru my chest, and a dizzy brain zap, cold sweats. I think I'm gonna die.

Beacause everyone knows you can't die outside I dragged clothes on and walked outside. Half four in the morning maybe. I shambled along the surprisingly busy streets, shaking, twitching, doing little stimmy hand flaps and fake coughing to kick start the heart I imagined was gonna stop. I walked right into town, decided I needed a taxi to A&E. No taxis. Kept walking. Not walking it off. Freaking the fuck out.

I register and I can't sit down. I step in the corridor to lessen the impact of my passing. I'm doing laps of that corridor, punctuated with going in the toilet to splash water on my face and neck and rubbing the sanitary gel on my hands and forearms for the cooling effect. I' d say I was embarrassed and ashamed but I passed that stop some time back. I know sleep will help but I'm too terrified to sleep. It won't be sleep, it'll be unconsciousness, literal death.

Triage nurse finally calls my name. She's lovely, excuses my weepy self-recriminations, talks about professional non-judgement, tries her hardest to calm me. She tells me this is likely withdrawal. Gives me 30mg of librium. They've only got it in fives and we laugh at my little cup full of pills. I go outside for 10, pacing in the very necessary dawn drizzle waiting for a kick that doesn't really come. After 20 minutes I see the triage nurse again and she ECGs me. I explain a little about how badly I've fucked my life. I honestly don't think I realised before today just how much I loathe myself. She says my heart is fast but doesn't look heart attack. Doctor needs to confirm. I go back out for a pace.

The doctor is also love, pro, honest, talking at my level. Heart rate is fast - told her she probably couldn't tell but I'm not a marathon runner. Discussed my plans. Review my antidepressants and up the dose. Contact counselling service. Contact alcohol service. She told me not to cold turkey, to have a litle drink when I got home. I'm in Aldi now. I was still shaking like the proverbial shitting dog so she gave me another 30 of librium, words of comfort, wishes of good luck.

To be continued.

i was worried about you yesterday, glad you’re on the other side of it with medical help

love u man

my god, I'm full of bars

*standing o*

Echoing BG's comment here, I'm very glad your surreal night brought you professional help and that all people involved were so very nice (although I can imagine that can equally feel like adding to embarrassment, it's what they're for, it's what they do).

Love you <3

rosé spritzer with breakfast. that's civilized isn't it? chic, even. i don't want a drink but i need to make the terror stop by any means. doctor told me i was physically fine, but i'm still poorly and afraid.

i was gonna do a bit about how i'm not writing to request sympathy and people telling me i'm not a lump because i am a lump, a terrible lump undeserving of sympathy or love. but that's the dickish mantra of depression isn't it? i'm just a human. i've made many bad life decisions and i've been feckless and selfish and i've hurt people. but i've hurt myself more than anybody else thru the years i guess. i'm just a human. and i write about to record it and remember it and look at myself but y'know it's pretty fucking selfish to ignore and dismiss other people's love and concern and good opinion of you.

so thank you. everybody. more than i can express.

ooh apparently i tore my rotator cuff on monday which felt far too sportsy but apparently it's just getting oldsy. also drunkenly falling into metal postsy.

i need to seek all the help i need, but maybe not today. too tired, too sad, too ill. rest day. every day's rest day lol you layabout Vague.

i wanna apologise to anybody who's ever messaged me on Facebook because i can be quite a flakey unresponder. i realised this morning i'm shy about it, embarrassed by the intimacy? big mean-spirited nasty Trolldle Vague is just a shy little squirtle hiding in my hard shell. sorry for that. i needed to stop telling myself i'm a dick but i also need to stop being a dick.

i love all y'all. you're here when nobody else is - or when i won't let anybody else be here.

gonna try to try harder.

m8

Wonders of Burma is on Smithsonian Channel which is what I need, dreams of beautiful temples and music and why am I so desperately attached to attachment.

sorry for flippancy, gl dude.

Take care, NV

I’m glad you saw the dr as well. Was worried when you said you were drinking again but not exactly my place to say, but promise no judgement. If you want someone to talk to/distract you if you feel like a drink, I’m happy to be that person (if that’s not too weird which it probably is tbh). But I hope you keep seeing the professionals and I’m really glad they were kind and helped you.

sorry for flippancy, gl dude.

Flippancy is the appropriate and funny response to my nonsense :)

Thanks everybody. Need to envision a future me that doesn't self define as the delightfully entertaining town drunk

i'm not writing to request sympathy and people telling me i'm not a lump because i am a lump
Flippancy is the appropriate response to my nonsense

with these two remarks in mind I wish to inform you that, NV, you're our favourite lump <3

(I'm glad the docs were helpful and kind, and hope you take them up on their referrals and that the next stage people are helpful and kind too; good luck with everything, and let us know if we can help in any way)

...I wrote that as someone who has mentally composed many never-sent posts (possibly also some sent ones) to the "feel like a lump" thread starting with "no need to tell me I'm not a lump bcz I am a lump but"

but I feel mean now so btw your later assessment is correct, you are not a lump but a human and a good-hearted, smart, funny human who's doing their best despite the hurt and this oppressively capricious universe and the dickish depression mantra in their head

good wishes, NV

Thank you :)

Don't feel mean, you never are, you just have your own horrible inner mantra

I have a disconsolate daughter who desperately wanted to play Frenchy in her drama school's big Grease production next year and just got stiffed partly I think cos she's not in the in clique, not just saying it as a doting father who doesn't how to make her feel better, that young woman can really sing and she bleeds musical theatre. Guess I need to concentrate on the important stuff.

thinking of you and wishing you the best

in the 12-step meeting they say "your bottom is whenever you decide to stop digging" - just throwing that out there

As always, good luck NV!