Just when you thought it was safe - OK CUPID PART 3: The Return of the WOO!

I just can't find the words to say what I want to say, but, basically... humans cheat because they're assholes and they don't value their relationships enough. They don't cheat because they're men. (Or because they're women, either, when women cheat - and yes, they do, indeed.) I think that the stakes are higher for women who cheat because patriarchy has written them that way. And I think that there are a lot of men who get a lot of traction from, and promote this idea of coding infidelity as a "male" issue, because it somehow excuses them for their own actions.

And that sounds like a shitty thing to have to endure in a relationship (and trust me, I've been there - this was basically the start of how things went really terrible with my abusive ex-fiance, that he used to constantly accuse me of cheating or wanting to cheat until I was barely allowed to leave the house.)

But in a way I feel like it is kind of muddying the waters, because unpleasant dating issues and asshole issues, as annoying as they are, are often used as a way of discounting the bigger and more systematic ways in which male privilege works, as just being this "battle of the sexes" relationship type quibbles. And it's a lot more and a lot bigger than that. While, seriously, not trying to discount the unpleasantness that you've experienced.

Sorry this is so poorly formed and thought out, it's late and I'm quite insomniac right now.

I suspended my OKC account today when I came across an answer that an otherwise seemingly nice person gave about dating someone even slightly overweight (she answered that there was no way she would). Bummed me out so bad I had to close my account down. Maybe an overreaction.

Yeah, that was a little too quick. Bryan, come back! Anyone who answers that question in that particular way has issues.

I think it's probably for the best. Leave the site to the people who can handle it.

Laurel, I am no longer bummed. It also happened to arrive at a time when I was feeling particularly unloved by the opposite sex, so it didn't help.

xpost

Yeah, you need some fortitude to wade through those waters. Which is probably at least part of why I deactivated my own account the other day. But I can never seem to shake that stupid site for long.

Was going to delete it like I did 4 years ago when I started a relationship with someone I met on there but I've answered a shitload of questions this time! Such a silly reason to not delete. Don't want to lose the CCrisphead name either, I suppose.

That sounds like it was a shitty situation, old lunch

Oh and apropos of the Work Crush discussion, my work crush finally left and I have to say that I am glad he's gone. It was a level of lust that might be in the neighborhood of what wcc was describing and it was a pain.

I thought I had cured myself of my inappropriate workplace crush, but it came back with a vengeance. I might have to bring back my old cold-shoulder policy.

I feel like maybe we should start an "office crush" or "work place crush oh noes" thread because believe it or not there isn't one on ILX. To maybe compliment the "annoying coworker" thread we could have a "colleagues who fill you with delight" thread. But I have started way too many crush threads in my ILX life.

thread of inappropriate professional attachments

i think there was a "dating a co-worker" thread on nb

I am not the slightest bit interested in dating him. I just want to lick him like a lollipop.

Possibly of relevance to the discussion upthread about seduction and romance

(warning, may contain Julie Burchill)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2001/sep/29/weekend.julieburchill
http://www.independent.co.uk/opinion/columnists/julie-burchill/julie-burchill-forget-about-romance-and-you-might-just-get-yourself-a-decent-marriage-2092527.html

I feel like I just met a guy who Ive known for years and years, somehow. Instant click, instant comfortable familiarity, so much in common, it was... pretty incredible actually. We were both really surprised and delighted.

NOW i get the point of dating someone my own age, ha.

Duh.

That is all.

Debating whether to remind this woman that asked me out immediately after asking if I was a virgin that she - 5 days ago - made tentative mention of meeting tomorrow evening. At this point I'm entirely indifferent and pretty busy. I'm also sort of o_O at the total lack of discussion about anything (it was pretty much - "hey are you selling yourself as a virgin?" - "kind of" - "ok, wanna get a drink?") and little else. And right now I'm too busy to spend an evening that could be used to get work done feeling awkward with someone whose motives and personality are a total mystery.

While I have zero experience on all matters of dating or okcupid, but this all seems fairly weird, no?

a little. but the goal is, presumably, to meet ppl. unless there's some compelling reason not to, seems like it's worth an hour or two at worst

Actually, on second thought ed.b, after watching Andy Warhol's Dracula, I've come to the conclusion that this lady is a vampire and you should probably steer well clear.

That sounds hot!

Agree with Ed.B

is she a little older? sometimes people past their 20's don't make a big deal out of all this phone/message stuff leading up to the event - "ok i got you for sunday, we'll talk then" but a quick check by text to make sure it's still on seems reasonable. you can probably check to see if she's a vampire better in person, just bring some silver crosses or a small mirror or something if you need to be sure

suggest meeting up at http://www.garlicandshots.com/

Or you can always have quick rampant sex with the gardener on the way to meeting her, and if she tries to bite you, your blood will poison her and she'll vomit copiously everywhere? Not quite so hott. (Though somehow Udo Kier made it look hott so who knows.)

Argh, having my usual "first date was amazing and am now utterly impatient to have another one" frustration timez.

Pace yourself! Although, honestly, I wish I was better at pacing myself because I get the same way. I try to remember that that's why I occasionally wind up stuck in months-long situations that probably shouldn't have lasted more than a couple of dates.

So I reactivated my stupid account and did a massive overhaul of my profile. This time around, I favored a casual and laid-back approach that I feel better compliments my personality than the "warts and all" textual panic attack that was my former profile. It's probably a good thing to not expose the entirety of your psyche straight out of the gate, huh?

Well, this guy totally said he liked me and was amazed at how well we got on bla bla and he's definitely said he wants to see me again. I just gotta cool my damn jets. I'm so skittish about trusting ppl after recent bs.

You know something that has actually worked for me recently?

If I really want to see the person again, instead of saying at the end of the date "I had a really fun time, I'd like to see you again" I go "hey, there's this really fun specific thing that we could do in my neighbourhood, how about you email me and let me know when you're free?" So instead of vague plans, there is a specific activity that we are discussing, and a reason for either/both of us to get in contact if you really do want to see each other again. And it's a way that you can actually plan for the next date before the end of that date, but without the pressure of saying yes/no. If they're into you, either of you can get in touch relatively quickly saying all "yeah, that's good for me next Sunday" or whatever.

I seem to be seeing quite a bit of a specific person, it's quite nice. Funny story, though: on discovering that I was a Radiohead fan, they confessed sheepishly that they had never actually knowingly heard the band, and went so far as to run out and borrow a CD from a friend in order to bone up on their music. I was all "actually, I'm so impressed that you've managed to actually escape the all-pervasive cultural influence that I don't actually want to listen to it?"

Lol, I definitely removed the fact that I don't listen to metal from my profile after noticing several v.v. hot but also a little exotic metal chicks.

― formerly EDB (ed.b), Saturday, August 18, 2012 8:51 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Flag Post Permalink

Haha, this has already paid off.

If I really want to see the person again, instead of saying at the end of the date "I had a really fun time, I'd like to see you again" I go "hey, there's this really fun specific thing that we could do in my neighbourhood, how about you email me and let me know when you're free?"

This is a good point I never normally follow, I'm always so vague and "lets do whatever, when you like!" and I thought about what you said here, cos I'd been all "would you like to catch up again this week?" and was just getting "yes" as a reply and I was... nrrrgh! So I txtd him today and said "hey, come over my place tomorrow night I'll make us dinner". Success!

Yay! Good going!

See this has been such a hard lesson for me to learn because it goes against all my INTP vagueness but "this has been fun, let's meet again some time" is p much a guarantee you'll never see that person again while "hey do you wanna check out this new cafe, I can do Fri evening or Sunday afternoon, does either of those work for you?" inceases your chances of a second date tenfold.

Yeah I'm definitely not a leader type. Its been hard to be decisive! But it is good when it pays off :)

wcc i saw richard d. james at the gym tonight (although it's also possible that it was aj burnett in a wig)

he was quite fit, but he was wearing purple shorts and those running shoes with individual toes. in other words, a little creepy

I somehow just have a lot of trouble imagining RDJ in a gym. Like, there are many places I could perfectly credibly believe seeing him (Truro Sainsburys?) I just can't imagine him in a gym. Unless he was, like, sampling the grunts of the weight machines.

Welp, disabled my account :) For a good reason, not a giving up one :)

Hey congrats, if I think it is what I think it is!

I have an eyeroll for you. Not a complaint or even a solicitation for advice, but just an eyeroll.

Went on a single date with someone about a month back. It was nice but no fireworks or anything, we made vague plans to meet again but texts tapered off and we didn't meet again, whatevs.

So last night, and quite late, I get this weird long, complicated text from them, apologising for not getting in contact for a month and all weird and saying they understand if I don't want to reply but can they have my email to send me some even longer, more complicated explanation about why they didn't get in touch with me sooner?

And I'm like HUH, WHO EVEN ARE YOU? until I realised who it was. People are so strange.

Oh weird! Dude, that boats sailed, dont try it! People are strange, indeed.

And yes, my assertive dinner date plan worked far better than I could have hoped, and he wants to go out with me, and everything was shiny and very good.

yay trayce!

work lust #2 has commenced. sigh.

We need a thread for work lust. It is killing me. Sigh.

thread of inappropriate professional attachments

i made one. i hijacked f.hazel's title upthread

a woman apparently interested in meeting me just told me that 'You are less unique than you think.'

lol am i being negged?

narrowly managed to refrain from mentioning that there are no degrees of uniqueness o well

Ha, that sounds like something from a honest fortune cookie.

I know it sounds like "you are not a special sunflower" but perhaps she meant it in a "you are not as alone and solitary as you think" kind of manner?

I am trying to be generous here.

Went on a date on tues, it lacked the essential spark, tho I did like her a lot. Forgot how annoying it is when you are having really good messages and the date just doesn't take off.

omg i just saw a profile that said

"I learned to SING before I learned to talk"

can't breathe from LOLs

Maybe she's an ABBA fan?

I'm quite used to the "great messages" -> "date that doesn't take off" by now. Strangely, the best luck I've had so far was with a girl who I barely talked to before meeting - we went on 6-7 dates before deciding it wasn't gonna work.

narrowly managed to refrain from mentioning that there are no degrees of uniqueness o well

THIIIISSSS.