what's happening to our borad TMI

- jaysus that shite was as good as a ride

wow

"man, that piss was as satisfying as a shag"

Also, I have to point out that poop on ILTMI is hardly anything new. In fact it was there from Day 1.

you aren't embracing the concept

-got my red wings last week. was fun and seemingly nothing bad happened you'd expect. (the girl... we've been talking like i'd talk to as a friend and i know her as a friend of friends, think 'occasional drunken fumble' is enough but then feel bad for thinking that.)

ok tell me more about that

because I would never let anyone go down on me if I were on the rag but maybe thats just me

Word? No, it's really not a big deal.

There should be a conversation - a disclosure - because I guess some people find it off-putting. But it's not even mentioned in my household anymore.

Wait are you guys talking tamp in or out cause neither is really my thing (never done it but no interest tbh) but no tamp just seems O_O to me.

Tamp in is no big thing. Not on the first couple of days tho

guys i hate to be 'that guy' but unless y'all are rednosin right now then pls take it to a non-current event thread

- pickin my arse

Because another thread about shit was exactly what we needed.

Besides they could be multitasking a la LJ. How do you know?!

ya true

Thread in no way limited to fecal matter fwiw

Derailing is all I know, man. :/

Wait are you guys talking tamp in or out cause neither is really my thing

Out! Really nbd.

Have fun with that.

I mean it's cool that you're fine with it and all. Never really been appealing for me.

I now have the word "clamato" stuck in my head

That shit is a) wrong and b) rank.

the tax clamato

my contribution is that, I've been eating a lot of fiber lately, and zounds!

how do I killfile this thread

I asked stet for a "Hide Thread" option last year, but NOOOOOOOOOOO

I can't fuck during my period because it hurts too much.

that's the look i've been waitin for, marcy sign those boys up

xp xp xp xp

took a crap this morning and was horrified to see that it was forest green and started to freak out because i cant afford to get a stomach flu at the moment because i am too busy and only remembered hours later that i had guzzled an entire bottle of unnaturally colored gatorade FIERCE GRAPE last afternoon and that was the culprit

guys i had curry AND fajitas yesterday

cool

I used to eat these as a kid

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wybe0kfYsig

and well

clamato is delicious actually

TMI

Over the line

your display name takes on a whole new meaning on this thread fyi

to those who asked: umm, we ended up at hers after a party and only like midway she was all 'oh and i'm on, is that cool?' and i was all 'well fuck you could have said before hand but as there doesn't seem to be a problem for either of us so far, we might as well just carry on'. as towards the tamp situation, well shit i was stoned, tired and it was dark, i honestly cant remember.

let us know if you start shitting cotton

i guess it isnt necc unhealthy if someone elses blood is in your stool, so youve got that going for you

about now is when I thought about posting a picture of Cotton Mather but I don't think he's got proper face recognition to make the joke work

got images of sam taking some strong tokes on a blazin tampon tbh

I guess it probably depends on how heavy a girl's flow is? ime a lot of guys are ok with it, but I'm with erica on this topic.

Mine is somewhere between Niagara Falls and a firehose, but actually, my problem with it is that my vagina is too tender for a thrusting penis during my period--I always felt like I'd been sandpapered up in there afterward.

one thing i'm regretting is being one the first people to get a rolling tmi thread going; the rest of y'all get to be in the skip all messages.

there for posteriority

put a towel down, carry on, imo

words to live life by

my period is late

mine too. I better not be pregnant; I had a very indulgent month.

9 months growing future ilxors

We have a lot of fun over at I Love People-Making, I promise!

People-Making does seem like a lot of fun! Initially at least.

i guess that is too cynical to be a board description, right. unless it's a kinda louis ck forum.

I want to make people. But preferably after I quit smoking!

I washed my favorite bra (after like 5 days of use) by wearing it in the shower. Seems fine today!

see that's the kind of quality update i had in mind, tho it's maybe a little mild. KIU laurel imo

i didn't wash my stretchy shorts after cycling to brighton in them. did not seem fine the next day.

yeah if i had time i'd change halfway through each match/run but imma try this shower thing and see if i can maintain a gf

Basically that update belongs on dirtbag style but I'd have had to search for it, and the bits about underwear and showering does make it a bit TMI so I thought what the hell.

I would imagine that washing it while wearing it is probably good for - helps keep its shape!

isn't that wearing it til it dries? levi's ad style

wash and wear shrink to fit bras... hmm, probably not an untapped market

Nah I didn't sleep in it. Dried it on a drying rack like a normal person.

As opposed to my drying rack, which...never mind.

lol

I am not looking forward to the dry winter season as I got the worst dry skin last year. On my junk. That would not heal.

O_O

this thread is great

http://i.imgur.com/e2kKN.jpg

Could it have been a yeast infection?

rub some coconut oil on it

coconut oil is a miracle cure-all

almost

9 months growing future ilxors

"he has his father's gifs"

that's kind of a catch-22. "I'll just rub this oil on my... oh boy, that isn't helping"

just talk to markers while you do it, should keep anything from arising.

. . .

markers, I may need yr phone number should this need occur this year

;)

it's 911

that's good. it's tricky to dial more than three digits with all this coconut oil on my fingers

wtf, get someone else to rub coconut oil in it, smh

was wrested from my slumber last night by an excruciating bout of proctalgia fugax. pacing the floor like a sick dog, trying to stretch it out. took some benedryl in the hope it would simply render me unconscious and duumb to the pain. things eventually settled down while drinking a glass of milk and I went back t8o bed. this used to be rare, but now occurs about once every two months.

Oh shit, that's what that is?

It is recurrent and there is also no known cure.

Oh.

:(

That little discovery combined with a theory from my doctor that my recurrent choking might be cricopharyngeal spasm- which is apparently treated by JABBING A NEEDLE FULL OF BOTOX INTO THE NECK JESUS CHRIST- makes me feel like my body is completely falling apart.

have u tried 'poppers'

Since they're the kind of drugs you get from other people, as opposed to the kind you get prescribed because you're paralyzed with anxiety at the thought of interacting with other people, no. Every so often I think about trying pot for the crushing social phobia, realize I have no idea how to get it or really what to do with it once I have it, and go back to my Ativan and agoraphobic weekends and malfunctioning esophagus.

Yeah, as my display name shows I was hilariously looking at the poppers article on wikipedia. Apparently an effect is the relaxation of the rectal muscles. um, side note.

good luck 2 ur anus

Last night I dreamt that I took two enormous craps that were actually songs from Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. One was angular and resembled both a music note and a saxophone: this one was "Money". The other was shaped like a huge, overstuffed burrito: this was "Us and Them". I had the damnedest time flushing them.

Is it weird that I'm kinda jealous of your dream?

"'Listen son', said the man with the gun, 'there's room for you inside'."

"Don't give me that do-goody-good bulllllshit."

i went through like a month long period of exercising a lot more and masterbating a lot less and feeling terrific. and then it got cold and it switched and now i feel rubbish and lethargic. guess i just need warmer running clothes? and a chastity belt, idk.

The "rubbish and lethargic" part sounds like it has more to do with the lack of exercise than the surplus of masturbation. And I've never thought of exercising and masturbation as mutually exclusive activities.

(I think you can even do both at the same time.)

jerk it so much, yo, they call me Han Solo

i did go on a double date a few weeks ago. I did not get a second date.

(I wasn't real broken up about it)

Last night I ordered a bar appetizer of tater tots, and ate the whole damn thing myself. It was a HUGE basket of tater tots, with some kind of queso-ish dipping sauce. We're talking like 2000 calories without leaving the chair.

All day today, I paid for it. Jesus god, the grease. So much grease. So much gas. So many dark rumblings from below. So many trips to the toilet. Don't eat a pound of tater tots by yourself. Just don't ever do it.

Eeep.

I hope you're feeling better now.

I call a pound of tater tots with queso "a good start"

"...toward morbid obesity."

morbidity is the goal, queso is the field

I hope I never get accustomed to eating that much food at once. I hope it always makes me sick. It that ever becomes a comfortable amount of food for me, I will have developed a true problem.

And, yes, I am feeling perfectly fine now. Thank you, Christine.

Grease shits are terrifying.

^^^new board description

- would no longer describe the terms me & the ex-bf are on as "friendly" - entirely my doing
- trying to decide if i regret that or not
- not flatulent, but was for a few days
- flatulence and ex-bf sitch are unrelated iirc

- flatulence and ex-bf sitch are unrelated

Are you absolutely sure?

it is possible

an ex-friend of mine told me she used to dump men for farting.

I thought she was kidding, until I realized later that she was the antichrist, or if not, at least his niece.

I think my husband and I stopped holding it in around each other sometime around the third or fourth month of our relationship.

one of my exes had a notorious stomach prob and used to be embarrassed and scurry away when she was...ahem...breaking wind. finally one night she couldn't escape and let out an audible, quiet fart, and she was turning beet red. I told her to relax, and that it was cute.

in short, you know you're in love when you think your partner's farts are cute.

So, I'm finally getting back to my normal levels of horniness, and my husband just has to throw his back out. Shit.

The ratio of my audible farts vs. my wife's has to be something along the lines of 75:1.

yeah, me too. i'm convinced that if it weren't for the audibility, the quantity might be closer to 2:1, but i'll never know because gf is all coy about it.

one thing you may rest assured of on iltmi: if the subject is farts, Neanderthal is up for the discussion

glad as always to oblige my friends and neighbors. plus, they say "write what you know", so....

true fact: once i accidentally ate a bunch of bread dough. i had the worst gas in the history of gas, just a consistent rumble-tum-tumbling that lasted for hours and didn't smell... normal? ...? human...?...farty? it had kind of a sweet, hoppy, vaguely medicinal characteristic that wasn't even immediately identifiable as flatulance. in addition to being painful, this yeast-gas was inconvenient. i was hosting some out-of-town friends on a jaunt to the Getty museum, and actually succeeded in clearing out a few galleries during our visit. On the way home we were stuck in traffic, and my poor friends were trapped with me in a Corolla on the 405 for the better part of two hours while I blew malign gale-force wind on the minute.

hoppy

OMG YOU WERE FARTING PALE ALES?

I was farting a high wind to jamaica

I'm gonna be honest here. It's probably more like 350:1.

fair and balanced

I went most of my life thinking I wasn't a farty dude. And then I started working nights. Jesus. I don't know why it is just at night, but damn my anus just lets fly.

That's strange; for most people, the digestive system slows down at night.

my anus just lets fly

just . . . no

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

no

Chilli for dinner last night: hellloooo fart town.

ANUS: THEY FLY @ U FACE

xp

looooool

I was farting a high wind to jamaica

Harry Belafonte does a great version of that.

I'm gonna be honest here. It's probably more like 350:1.

Feeling this post. No, literally. In 3... 2... 1...

i just farteds?

Oh, and it felt good.

i'm loving the fart ratios. <3 yous guys (so long as i'm never trapped in a car with any of you).

i wonder why that is

btw - how does one accidentally eat a bunch of bread dough?!

xxp if you were trapped in a car with these guys, there'd be enough methane to run the car. You'd never run out of gas!

I currently have a case of the painful gassy shits. OK, which one of you had a stomach bug that's transmissible over the Internet?

i wonder why that is

― sarahel, Monday, November 14, 2011 3:19 PM (12 minutes ago) [IP: 69.106.226.62] Bookmark

Seriously? It's because most women are ridiculously hung up about farting, shitting or anything else having to do with their asses. I found out recently a that a friend of mine who has been with her bf for four years has never farted in front of him. Are you fucking kidding me? How is that even possible. I then found out that she's also never shit at work.

Women have some weird fucking hangups about stuff that we're taught from very early on aren't ladylike. These ratios are BS. Those girls fart just as much they've just become skilled at doing it very covertly.

think u miss understood.

that is so strange! they have that much butt control?

wait, did I? I was skimming, admittedly.

you understood my question correctly, E.

Ah, OK :)

And yeah, idk!! Another friend was present who also said she'd never farted in front of a male. I think there's a lot of going into other rooms and stuff happening with these non-farting type women.

if you insert a vodka-soaked tampon into your anus it absorbs flatulence

hahahahaaha

xp - ENBB - that is still so weird to me! also, the people who don't poop at work, like what? but then i remember that we were both baffled by the very existence of foot flushers. I do wonder if these are the same people.

also - the role of vodka-soaked tampons in oral sex on menstruating women

I am obv 5, because farting still makes me giggle. Except when Mr Veg leaves farts in the car. Then I call my lawyer :(

maybe these ratios would be smaller if men were not always "butt chugging"

I have a friend who wont pee or poop at work. I believe her to be insane.

When I was younger I ate very poorly and had terrible gas and I don't know how successful I was, but yes, a lot of going into other rooms, positioning self by windows, etc.

I'm telling you - there are TONS of girls who won't poo at work. They'll basically hold it until it's an emergency rather than do anything that might let other on to the fact that OMG THEY SHIT TOO.

Yes, these are the things I get into conversations with people about.

I farted while posting that.

i don't get that either. getting paid to shit is da best.
but i also don't like farting around people.
which makes me weird for s dood i guess.

*a dood...

so they're concerned about other people being aware that they poo, or is it about the hygiene of public toilets? like, i'm sure there are people (like the foot flushers) that avoid pooping at work because of that. but i have not done a scientific survey.

The worst is their implication that you're some kind of cretin if you're a chick using a toilet for its intended purpose.

This chick be poopin'. Deal with it.

i don't get that either. getting paid to shit is da best.

HAHAHAHA my bf and I have had a whole convo based around that theory

Guys, I'm gross.

and i don't think the non-work-poopers are wholly female. there was some other thread a few years back where a lot of the guys were against the work shitting too.

xposts

It's some weird politeness/shyness thing gone mad, afaict

You know Sarah I am not a foot flusher but it's got nothing to do with a fear of germs and everything to do with the fact that it's easier to foot flush than it is to bed over.

at the job where i'm paid by the hour, i think i take a dump every single day i work there.

the guys were against the work shitting

Who are these people that have such precise control over their bowels?! That's . . . amazing, tbh.

sarah - are you my ex g/f?

xp - ENBB - that is still so weird to me! also, the people who don't poop at work, like what? but then i remember that we were both baffled by the very existence of foot flushers. I do wonder if these are the same people.

also - the role of vodka-soaked tampons in oral sex on menstruating women

― sarahel, Monday, 14 November 2011 20:42 (6 minutes ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

1. what is a foot flusher?

2. that whole last bit, huh?

Who are these people that have such precise control over their bowels?! That's . . . amazing, tbh.

otf(f is for farting)m!

tbh at work i try not to poop on my break because i dont wanna waste my free time when i can be getting paid to poop

Who are these people that have such precise control over their bowels?!

cutty

a foot flusher is one whom flushes the loo with their foot.

why?

Ppl who exercise that much control over their bowels kind of terrify me.

I feel like this fart/shit discussion is a good place to post James Joyce's love letters to Nora Barnacle.

http://loveletters.tribe.net/thread/fce72385-b146-4bf2-9d2e-0dfa6ac7142d

i am a proud foot flusher

tribe.net still exists

friend of mine likes to fart in the car, pause a second, then ask his wife 'wow, doesn't that bakery smell good?'

i am a proud foot flusher

― buzza, Monday, 14 November 2011 20:55 (1 minute ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

ok so again i ask- why?

cause it makes you feel like a badass

http://loveletters.tribe.net/thread/fce72385-b146-4bf2-9d2e-0dfa6ac7142d

― Admins did ILX Haven (crüt), Monday, November 14, 2011 9:54 PM (1 minute ago) Bookmark

Never not a good time to post that tbh

It took me a long time to work out HOW one foot-flushes too bcz aus toilets have press-button flush on top of the cistern, or in the wall at abt waist-shoulder height behind bowl. You'd have to be a contortionist to use yr foot.

oh shiii yeah now i remember that scene from commando

xpost

A hoy hoy: Here's one for the ladies re public toilets . . .

ok even bigger question- you had taken to watching people under the stalls e?

I don't flush with my feet because I don't want to spread my shoe germs to other people's hands

I was so invested in this topic and ppl's confusion over exactly how American's do this I even did a demonstration:

Here's one for the ladies re public toilets . . .

Yeah if you just peak you head down at an angle you can see people's feet but they can't see your head.

i have an old school toilet with the handle/chain you pull down to flush. still use my feet with that too.

And stop crapping in my sink!

― luna

ok but that seems totally gross and voyeuristic.

x-post - In your house? You foot flush at home?! That's next level, sir.

It was in the interest of science! Plus I was just looking at their feet not their bits!

They're calling it "butt flushing."

you see, i was only kidding (who even still has those old time-y toilets anyways?!) - you're weird under-stall voyeurism is bizarre and terrifying!

https://www.facebook.com/pages/When-using-public-restrooms-I-flush-the-toilet-with-my-shoes/121974287840632

*your

xpost

x-post - listen calm down ppl. I don't do it anymore!! Plus don't you ever have to look under the stalls to see if there's a toilet paper roll or something? It's no different. Jeez.

I look under the stalls to see if there's candy

so far, I have always been disappointed ;_;

you need to have a wider stance, Dan

I bring a periscope to public restrooms.

do they make beer bongs long enough so you can butt chug the dude in the next stall?

I'm sure someone at Reed has made one

I flush via doing a bicycle kick

I can understand trying to be discreet if you're going to be particularly noisy in the restroom, but women are already sitting! On the toilet! If you're being discreet, how would other women even know what you were doing?

dayo = winner

haha! Nice demonstration, E!

I'm a proud foot flusher at work with the same kind of toilets E showed us - BUT I'm really tall? And lazy? So this way I don't have to bend down and touch the handle that might be feces contaminated. Also if I pooped (because I do!) then MY hands don't contaminate!

I'm not one of those 'open doors with a paper towel' types or anything else. So really it's 75% laziness of not wanting to bend down, 5% "yay I control things with my foot," 20% anti-contamination.

lol at MH thinking the women to embarassed to take care of business in a public restroom would actually ever sit on a public toilet

If it's contact with the toilet people are worried about, wear stilts.

everything in the bathroom is feces contaminated! flushing aerosolizes the water

can we go back to how women poop on toilet handles for a second, because honestly I've never seen a toilet in a men's room that had poop on the handle, plus aren't you about to wash your hands thoroughly anyway

that offal smell you're smelling? those are tiny, airborne particles of poop melding with your smell receptors.

you should be washing your hands anyway

I once worked with some women who actually expressed horror/disgust because they had just heard a workmate in the loos, using them as nature intended for #2. This woman was genuinely revolted/thought it was funny (in a bitchy way) and was gossiping about it to everyone!? Like "omg so and so was making plopping noises so gross".

THIS might be why some women are toilet shy perhaps. Then again, I also worked with psychotic apes. so.

I'm not one of those 'open doors with a paper towel' types or anything else.

Nearly EVERYONE at my work seems to do this. It's a nice clean bathroom and everyone just washed their hands! Seems excessive. I do this sorta thing at gas station bathrooms but not somewhere that looks fairly clean to begin with. LIVE A LITTLE.

those big swathes of brown poop on the floor? that is literally poop you are stepping in

(xposts)
(xposts)

*plop*

the poop covered handle on the door? that is literally poop on the door handle

that offal smell you're smelling? those are tiny, airborne particles of poop melding with your smell receptors.

― ASPIE Rocky (dayo), Monday, November 14, 2011 4:16 PM (26 seconds ago) [IP: 67.194.91.164] Bookmark

OMG DAYO!! Someone asked me something to this effect almost worded exactly like that on Formspring at least twice. IT WAS YOU!

You can't think about that stuff. It's life - get over and on with it.

hahahaha

Even going into a toilet means that you're breathing in other people's poop.

nice IP btw

OMG DAYO!! Someone asked me something to this effect almost worded exactly like that on Formspring at least twice. IT WAS YOU!

― Juggy Brottleteen (ENBB), Monday, November 14, 2011 4:17 PM (35 seconds ago) Bookmark

wait what?! I have never used your formspring!

breathe the feces
come play my game, it's easy
psychosomatic
poop in ya brain

Hmmmmmmm. Ok, I believe you. Pretty sure only ILXors have ever asked me stuff there and I'm not kidding when someone msged me at least twice about that very thing.

LOL I've never pooped on a toilet handle, nor do I suspect that people do. But I figure if people can't reliably flush toilets? They can't reliably wipe themselves either, which means poopy fingers touch those things. Like I said, I use my feet mostly just because I am lazy, but I cannot strike the thought from my mind that it may be poopy all the same.

can I call you Poopshoes from now on?

did I ever tell the story about how somebody at my school climbed into a tree once and tried to poop on somebody else

I guess I just did, huh

omg

I never even knew this was a thing anyone did until that other thread and, like I said before, I do it now too for the same reasons as Lex. It's actually easier than bending over.

pooping on people from a tree???

i spent several years working in hotels, and thought a lot about how people's hygiene and cleanliness can be affected by anonymity and lack of accountability/responsibility.

lol @ the idea of ENBB and lex pooping on ppl from trees

yeah. the guy who tried to poop from a tree ended up at the naval academy fwiw xp

probably became the pilot of a long-range bomber

OH LORD

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/cf/Payloadrange.jpg

DAN YOU MUST NEVER THINK OF THAT EVER AGAIN

E & I are pretty tall ladies. We COULD poop on y'all from trees. Anyone FAP?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0M6tk-vq1GQ

Baby,
I compare you to a poop from a tree on the gray.
Ooh,
The more I get of you,
The stranger it feels, yeah

sex-poop Al Gore

an inconvenient poop

I'll get a giraffe and train it to poop on people who poop on me from trees.

most regrettable threadclick of the year for me

lol

Try the 'butt chugging' and 'poop at work' threads.

this is a slight step above politics threads in terms of intellectual discourse, surely

most regrettable threadclick of the year for me

hearty belly lol

oh man, I forgot about the hovering/squatting some women do rather than actually touching a surface

btw is this the thread to talk about sharting? I may have had the one (ONE) incident of my lifetime this year and it prompted a hilarious conversation with my parents when I sheepishly admitted it

... how on earth does that come up in conversation

a sheep would never admit it.

zzp once you shart, you can't shtop

btw is this the thread to talk about sharting?

iirc we have a social compact not to talk about sharting on ilx because some it overstimulates people a little too much to see the word "shart"

Like that Queen song, 'Hear Shart Attack'.

how does it not come up in conversation?

note: I did not shart during said conversation

i am for some reason picturing this conversation happening over dinner.

ha exactly, I was thinking mh's mom was all "I'll pass the potatoes if you tell us a shart story"

What would somebody be doing with potatoes up their butt?

"It's the new craze, spud gunning."

can someone parse snoball's potatoes.

was it a readymeal or did you shart from scratch

"It's the new craze, spud gunning."

lol

Doesnt anyone call it "following through" anymore, whats this shart nonsense.

i'm not going to change your sheets again mr hastings

Jesus breakdancing christ, I leave for ten hours and this thread goes all Poop Anarchy!

I thought you of all ppl would approve of this turn of events :P

Why am I reading this at work, btw. LIVIN ON THE EDGE

disappointed by the lack of australian euphemisms revealed itt tbh

"the Foster's bar tap"

(is what I imagine one Australian 'shart' euphemism might be)

fostahs: australian for shart

shartiblastfart

frontier sharterist

This was a long time ago, but once I was walking down the street and sharted. Except the poop itself was solid and dry, about the size of an acorn. It rolled down the inside of the leg of my jeans and out of the bottom, just as I was taking a step forward with that leg, so it was propelled up into the air in a high arc, travelling a fair distance.

gotta say "following through" gave me a huge lol, always trust Oz for good euphemisms

snowball's story is actually how they follow through on golf courses

"mind if I follow through?"

take a mulligan

TBH i think "following thru" is a britisher thing, I cant take credit for that one!

on golf courses they 'play through'

lacks the same ring

i did learn on my last vacation what a "reverse kanga" is.
and that it is also known as the "A.C. Slater".

That was no snoball...

I think following through is when you continue the swing past the ball, same as with baseball and tennis
and sharting

=)

xxp poopball?

Could form the basis of a new sport.

trap out

It doesn't matter if you're a hipster, an athlete, or your name's megan and you're on the dance team: everybody's walking around with a grinder in their gut.

so much poop yesterday. O_O

grinder? like the sandwich?

boy I'll never hear that Judas Priest song the same way again :(

To turn this away from defecation, I had a really glorious fuck on Veterans Day.

now that's what I like to hear

i have not had my veterans day fuck yet.

happy for Morbs!

Yay!

To turn this away from defecation

Veteran's Day Poopy?

crop-dusting the office like mad today.

ya, i'm that guy.

i don't know what crop-dusting means in this context.

it means walking around farting

nature called today for me, and there was already a guy doing...the same in the stall next to me. dude comes in, and loudly...not even to himself, but clearly to everyone in the bathroom, exclaims "JESUS....it STINKS!".

rude mo'fucker. hope his brakes failed on the way home

saw a crumb or something on my lap and went to flick it off, but missed and thwacked myself right in the nuts. have a good weekend y'all.

i think i have a uti

almost as far as is physically possible from the marriage bed for the next two weeks

xp spend a day drinking a ton of cranberry juice and if it doesn't go away, go see yr doc, harbl!!

yeah i just drove all over creation to find cranberry juice that was unsweetened and not mostly all other juices. this stuff is disgusting! i'm gonna drink a lot of other things too. maybe peeing a lot will help.

i still don't have a dr oops

i got Cipro the last time i had one, just like the anthrax scare victims

i am temporarily hosting a cat with a uti

the cat should post here

utis suck. i use this and cran pills if i catch it early enough.

link didn't work. stuff called cystex. recommended.

i went to patient first and they gave me cipro and a pill that the guy said "will make your urine this color" and pointed to the biohazard sticker. it's true! it looks like orange soda. i feel much better already. my back is sore though. annoying!

first poop in new apartment was a straight-up war crime

milo that post delivers more content per word than many novels, nice work

Bristol 3, well done

If you're ever tempted to think, 'I'm really tired, but maybe masturbating will wake me up as well as a nap would,' well, you're wrong. Take the nap.

hahahaha

I mean, I have never had this thought

I can get the job done in three minutes and THEN nap! :)

yes definitely lends itself better to sleep than waking

I heard somehwher that wanking/orgasming is like, physiologically designed to make you sleepy anyway, don't ask me where i heard that because I don't effin know

The SANDMAN

'go to sleep with my sandy dust ps masturbating makes you tired'

feel like orgasms do make me more energetic/awake, always been the opposite of the "dudes like to roll over and sleep" stereotype

except for when a girl and I were experimenting with Lunesta Sex - which was awesome, btw

It varies on time of day and relationship status ime. If I feel like, "wait should I have done that?" then I feel the fear. If it's night and I'm content then I'm lucky if I verbalized actual words after a quick embrace and kiss before passing the fuck out.

What's this about Lunesta sex?

I gather that Lunesta is involved. I just hope it's both parties and not only one, because...y'know, creepy.

sleeping beauty etc erg

Lunesta (US only, but very similar to zopiclone sold elsewhere) gives me (and 1/3 of users) such putrid metalic breath that lasts a full 24 hours that I'd be afraid to let anyone close to me. Ambien by contrast, besides not having this unfortunate side effect, makes you feel great for about 20 minutes, and the next time you're aware it's already tomorrow morning. And every time I get my prescription refilled, it includes a warning that some patients taking Ambien unknowingly have sex while they are not fully awake.

I often don't remember what I was doing the hour or two before taking Ambien the night before, much less while in bed.

Take one Lunesta apiece, fool around, start having sex as the white cloud envelops your peripheral vision, try to finish before you get knocked out.
It was like sex on a burning Viking ship.

Totes ruined by her, months later, swallowing half a month's prescription and texting me that she was trying to kill herself. A text I got when I woke up 7-8 hours later. (she was fine)

Whoa. Lunesta sex extended play.

When I lived with partners I would occasionally ferociously initiate sex about 30-60 minutes after falling asleep. But when I woke up I was too sleepy to continue. That was frustrating to my partners. lol

That's hilarious, Je55e. Ferocious while asleep, sleepy while awake.

I am going to be that guy and post this achewood link: http://achewood.com/index.php?date=02042003

haha.

i'm glad you posted that link b/c it led* me to start reading Achewood again and also to read its wikipedia page. i haven't read it since like 2007 and i've missed it.

*"led" looks misspelled to me.

lerd

just farted for 15 seconds. organic yogurt and fruit for my midmorning break has been having an effect on me.

I get this thread and the "how gross are you" thread mixed up. This one is for current events in TMI, including grossness, not ongoing grossness, I guess?

Headline News TMI, not Situation Room TMI

IN SEX TOY NEWS

- bought a 'feeldoe' this weekend
- also used my hitachi wand yesterday... on my back.

what is a feeldoe? i shouldn't google "feeldoe" at work, probably.

my tmi news:

- my butt hurts and i am going to go see a butt doctor. in 2001 i had a problem 'roid 86'ed and that area now hurts. hoping i come out of this with not only the problem fixed, but a nice remodeling of that whole area. could use some updates and a fresh look for 2012.

omg can't believe you're still rocking the 2001 butt look, where have u been?

imaginin yr butthole with sum41 hair

just comin up with the dude from sum41 tbh

je55e, a feeldoe is like a strapless strapon, if you can dig it. i have read reviews that say they're difficult to keep on for the person who's "wearing" them, as it were.

It's kind of like a double dildo strap on hybrid.

Interesting.

I saw a Hitachi Magic Wand for sale at a thrift store, oh man.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It was hanging out with lawn equipment, it was clear they didn't know what it was or where to put it (the garbage).

Even grosser if it came with these attachments (NSFW).
http://www.hitachi--magic--wand.com/Hitachi-Magic-Wand-Attachments/c2/index.html

Hitachi should do a sponsorship deal with UK boyband One Direction.

that is disgusting

(that it was at a thrift store!)

The thing is not designed to be a sex toy, though. I mean, it's become THE vibrator I realize, but it really was designed as something you use to massage your back. So maybe the thrift store people were just super innocent.

there is some difference of opinion out there on whether such vibrating things were ever completely naive

MW until recently marketed solely as a back or neck massager, at least officially. Amazon reviews for these are interesting, apparently about 1/3 of buyers bought it for back pain and were unaware of any alternate use.

Right, I guess what I mean is that it's not 'designed' per se to be a sex toy - not dishwasher safe, not boilable. Definitely shouldn't be shared. You have to plug the dumb thing in, and it's as loud as fuck. On the whole, it's not that great.

but not as loud as the DeWalt orbital power sander, which is the best sex toy ever invented. (if you attach soft spongy things to the velcro rather than sandpaper of course)

o_O

There are several cordless orbital power sanders on the market, which have lots of largely unexplored possibilities. The magic is in the orbital head movement - it doesn't just vibrate back and forth, but side to side in random directions, different every time, which is why they make great..... back massagers. Noisy ones, though.

Yeah, I refinished a wood floor with one of those but I don't know that you're going to find anything to put on it that is going to, uh, soften the abrasive effect enough for more personal purposes

Thick sponges or soft, strategically-shaped silicone molds work well. The larger ones suitable for floor sanding wouldn't work well, but small ones with 3 inch circular heads would suffice. I've seen small triangular heads on these too ("corner sanders") which would be ideal, but not sure if they were orbital which is U&K.

like this:
http://benchmark.20m.com/reviews/FestoolDeltex93/FestoolDeltexHero.gif

i conjecture this will not be happening to a significant percentage of our board.

below the belt sander

i've heard of this before when i shared an office with someone who listened to howard stern.

I beat off w/ a jigsaw

that piece goes *there*.....

nsfw: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/354/

. . .

OH MY WHAT THE FUCK?!

That man is so creepy. Thanks a lot, Dayo.

Wait I am confused by the Feeldoe. Does the lady put the bulbous part in her vag and then the dick sticks out?

the question that had to be asked

That's what E is here for :)

E if you thought that was weird, you should watch the sequel http://www.xtube.com/watch.php?v=QTGMR-G744-

I mean, I guess that is how it must work but in thinking about it I can see how it might be "difficult to keep on (in?) for the person who's "wearing" them" as someone up thread said at least if things really got, you know, going.

Invalid+Video+ID

Also I am totally O_O at the idea of a power sander sex toy. The MW is almost too powerful. I can't even imagine what a vibe fashioned out of a power sander would like. That's pretty horrifying tbh.

> Wait I am confused by the Feeldoe. Does the lady put the bulbous part in her vag and then the dick sticks out?

Yes, although the angle looks all wrong to me. According to their website, about 80% are purchased by heterosexual couples. Now I'm really confused.

A former roommate (female) saw me using my orbital sander to smooth a drywall joint and had to "try" it herself. She had never seen one, and I had never heard of one being used for anything other than sanding until then. Although an orbital car polisher used to wax and shine your car is essentially the same tool with a soft terry cloth cover instead of sandpaper - I think the tool manufacturers realized they can sell two tools instead of one by selling the latter in auto-parts stores instead of hardware stores. Evidently there's a third potential sales channel they haven't yet discovered....

xp - no way i'd put my junk in that thing. Scary.

E you have to add the hypen at the end

Orbital power sanders BTW don't move very much - although powerful, the power goes towards torque (so it won't slow down if lots of pressure is applied), not movement. It only vibrates about 1/8" in any direction.

now we know who is ordering that 50 gallon barrel of lube off amazon, I guess

so my tmi story is this.

When I was a younger mh (early 20s) I used to have a number of (pitchers of) beers with an ex and we'd go back to her place and it'd be cool and she would fall asleep. During the act. My dignity was slightly bruised by this and I inquired what was up and she said that it was -- and I quote -- "So relaxing". I get that in a letter-off-tension way, but during the actual act idk if it's the sort of relaxing you want to fall asleep to. After some questioning, I found out she used to fall asleep with her vibrator stuck against her, sometimes until the batteries died. After that, I felt perfectly adequate because I really don't know how she could have had any feeling left at all.

narcosexy

Can we...not...refer to sex toy use as making people unfeeling or whatever? It's kind of a played out nasty little slur about women, so demanding, so impossible for humans to satisfy, they've done it to themselves so why even try anymore, etc. Not that that's you, mh, it just makes me feel kind of gross and sad.

Also I have fallen asleep during oral many many years ago. It *was* relaxing!

an ex of mine used to fall asleep during oral too, i never knew what to make of it but eventually i just started to use it strategically, before a match was gonna be on tv or w/e

lollll

I had no idea that was a stereotype or slur!

as an apology I will admit to some uncomfortable chafing in the past

btw this wasn't a "why try' thing, the girl was still very into sex when she wasn't two pitchers into the evening

ime women who are anorgasmic or unable to really get into penetrative m/f intercourse are pretty normal, it's just one of the many ways that we all are different and sometimes special

fwiw dudes who can't get off get the third degree and weird stereotypes just as much.

popular with the baseball team, was she?

lol

falling asleep during cunnilingus wouldn't be so common if thighs were not so soft and pillowy

wait, I think I've misunderstood

easy to be misunderstood when you're tonguethighed i spose

blast you dmac, and your damned cleverness

i put my best years into ilx throwaway tmi puns, if my english teacher could see me now he'd bawl crying.

if the thread's any indication the rest of us are balling crying

balling, crying, sleeping- p much my routine

yes, heterosexual couples use strap ons too you realize

some dudes like it up the butt. no big thing.

the idea is that the pc muscles hold in the bulb end of the feeldoe. you probably have to have pretty strong muscles. i havent used mine yet. so we'll see.

sex positivity!

there's a line on the feeldoe website about how keeping the bulb in place can be a bit of a challenge but is fun. something about the whole, forgive the word, vibe of the feeldoe makes me happy. people makin stuff that'll be useful and cool to people, fuck yeah

how do you feeldoe

heh I was trying not to ask who the intended target of the other end was but I figured

plz figure this out h2 and then I can get drunk and ask you how pegging etiquette works

btw hi iltmi I'm at work i.e. leagues from any action, hence why you're seeing even more of me than usual, thanks for daily dose of randiness

no pics on the phone, imagining this item to be basically fennel-shaped pls confirm

Over the course of my life I have been involved with three diff dudes who asked me to peg them. I think it is more common then ppl think.

I did not. More circumstantial than anything else. I did, however, put the neck of a wine bottle up one's butt one very drunk night at his request. And with that I have probably reached my tmi quotient for the year.

glass sounds volatile; makes me think of that guy with the jar video

in most of the bottle up the bum stories i've heard it has curiously always been a booze bottle

wonder why

mods leading from the rear itt

cos carbonated soda would be asking for a whole other service maybe es?

yes but beer too

yeah, a lot of dudes are into it.

a lot of dudes are into lactation, too, it seems.

yeast inspection

at least it wasn't a lightbulb

really uncommon for dudes to lactate, iirc

smart ass

tmi time, kind of thought pegging might have it's reasonable niche but the most was some pseudo-cosmomag-inspired badly-aimed-well-manicured nail that hit my taint

wonder why

wine and some beer bottles ideally shaped for it tbh - dongpart of non-threatening length and width to early experimenters, then flared out to prevent against internal loss

PS aero go out and enjoy Katoomba, it's a beautiful day and the place is gorgeous

yeah just got in, think I will. it's always interesting to me though when women say "several dudes have asked me for" anything at all, really - I went off the market an age ago but I have a total horror of asking anybody to do anything, always felt like I'd be pretty crushed if somebody said "what? are you kidding? fuck no" to any request. and then over the course of time you hear, like, "yeah, it was a one-night stand, he asked me to pee on him" from, like, multiple ppl

have you been talking to my one night stands

I don't know that I've ever been self-conscious enough to actually ask for anything, just felt grateful when offered something that seemed ok or good and felt like it was a favor.

I think people should be able to ask for things - within reason of course (everyone has their limits). Especially with a long term partner.

I definitely have asked for things before and been turned down. It didn't really hurt me; it didn't make me feel rejected. It was just not reasonable to the other party, and I respected that.

i am terrible at asking for things, of sexytimes nature, for reasons described above

supertmi I was given a beer bottle tmi once when vvvv drunk and I stopped it bc the suction from the bottleneck felt ugh gross

goodness

i am bold as brass when it comes to asking for things initially and get less and less so over time

at work, want coffee, can't leave seat, random boner

i always think of churchill, that sorts that little problem out

or big problem, whatever

"random boner" makes it sound like it just pops up somewhere unexpected on yr person, "oops got an elbow boner! brb"

idk what else to describe it as, unasked for? unanticipated? sinister?

http://www.redshirt.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/batman6.jpg

A level-headed ILXor (whose mother is a nurse) told me that the ER patient with a bottle suctioned inside them was for real and VG seems to confirm this position.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7sT5K4BHBs

fyi reeldoe gets a thumbs down

protip: please do not put anything glass up in you, guys, please

glass dildos are ok though

some ppl love them

BEcause I guess you can heat them and stuff? IDK - that's what they said and some awful sex toy party I was made to go to.

dat glass

Hard plastic dildos fucking hurt, IME. I don't see how a glass dildo could feel good, but apparently they do to some people.

>fyi reeldoe gets a thumbs down

But would the thing at least stay inside?

Big Ed was kinda tender yesterday after all the work he did for me Sunday night

named after kranepool, i hope

http://cache.boston.com/resize/bonzai-fba/Globe_Photo/2008/10/03/1223087679_8112/539w.jpg

^^^good hands, no stick

I can't remember, is tmi board logged-in only?

mook I stole that from Steve Martin in All of Me

i can almost keep up with the baseball; you can't throw movies at me too

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Big_Ed.jpg

Where's the dry spell thread so I can post a thunderstorm jpg?

Sex Droughts

To my complete astonishment, dark cloudy skies here too. But still no rain.....

on another note, i've got some big fungus-y thing growing under one of my toenails. Gotta see a doc and see what's up with that

on a related note, maybe

so

my gf's period finally arrived

thank fuck.

that was an uncomfortable few days.

bless you sinners

o we sin like sonsabitches but we're fuckin careful about it, sayin?

this happened to me (and others, obviously) once or twice and i was remarkably calm and philosophical about it. while i cannot invite them, sometimes faits accomplis might work out?

just as well not to test it

i am godfather to my lil bro's fait accompli (fait accompliece?) and while she's alltime awesome i'd rather not thanks

actually & to mention it, the four of us maclads are the issue of a surprise marriage, iir the dates involved c

I'm 2/3 bastard - parents married aug 14, born nov 14

Congrats darragh - I've had panicky times like that. Ick.

ha is there a hallmark card for the late arrival of a period

We covered this in the 'whtob' thread ten mins ago, yr either all bastard or all legit, short of a stuttring priest bein at the birt h maybe

no stuttering priest, a life of bastardhood it is. Better get sinning!

gf has implanon so she pees on a stick monthly, god bless her

iir my catechism, probably best if god's lookin the other way tbh

i'm thinking of sending someone a sext but i'm nervous about it!

you're just gonna go all in?

worst time of the month - just feel like punching someone

maybe see if interflora will send one with a bouquet :D

I like this suggestion for sexts and punches

I know right?

worst time of the month - just feel like punching someone

Ugh, I comiserate. And in recent years, my pmt symptoms have morphed into FLU SYMPTOMS, I mean wtf. I get sick enough to sometimes need a day off, at least one day a month. Sore throat, fever, aches. Sucks.

Cranky too. Dont want to be cranky.

i'm really hesitant to sext this person because i don't think he is much of a texter, he always just calls me on the phone which i think it SO WEIRD even though it's like not weird at all.

i love sexting!

also i have not had my period for like 4 or 5 months because of the birth control i'm on and it is AWESOME except for the getting paranoid about being pregnant thing.

dmac, don't feel bad. Once I was part of a relationship weird moment where we broke down and bought a test and party hats on new year's eve. Test was neg so we took the hats to the party! Ugh.

X-post what are u on?

I am having my iud taken out in a couple months and I think I am more nervous about that than I was about the insertion.

When my sister had hers inserted it was oddly the same day I had surgery to fix broken wrists. First convo with her I was like, "I hope your cervix feels ok!!" I was on a lotta drugs.

hahahah :)

I'd love to go back on implanon but it messed with my moods so much :(

I can't really tell my funny tmi story online for obv reasons so I am beaming it into the skulls of any thread/board regulars who need a lol. there isn't that hilarious

lmao fuckin Canuck fans

hahahaha

Just dropped a turd the size and shape of a small hand grenade. Wiped ass and was not exactly shocked to find blood on the toilet paper.

OWIE!

don't be a hero

Dude, welcome to my life.

did i mention itt that i need to go to the butt doctor b/c my butt bleeds a lot where i had a 'roid lanced 10 years ago?

It is prob a fissure or another roid or something but bleeding butts are not good. Go to the Dr. pronto.

bleeding butts are not good

not allowed to truth bomb this, huh

nope

would not recommend ass surgery unless it's necessary, then would definitely suggest it

Could be a roid. Could be an ulcer. Could be colon cancer.

If it happens once and that's that, you might have a pass. If it happens more than twice in one week, go get it checked.

I've also found doctors are just as skittish about making you since Moon River as patients are. You'll be taken care of.

making you sing Moon River.

mine's probably fine. it's been bleeding for 10 years. i'm almost caught up w/ the woman in the book of mark who had an issue of blood for 12 years. waiting for to for a savior to visit that i might touch his garment and by my exceeding faith be healed. better be careful tho so i don't accidentally seal up the whole region.

fruit
baby wipes
cod liver oil
fiber
no fried foods

the last time I went to my dr abt such things he was like, meh it's a hemorrhoid and if it's bleeding there's nothing much I can do now so *shrug*

thanking you dr awesome I'll just limp home and lie face down on the couch for a day or two til the discomfort goes away O_o

sitz baths

^^^

Is the blood fresh red or dried black?

I spend half my life in a van doing drives that're 6 hours on average and as long as ten, when I'm not in a van I'm in a plane, you guys can do the math, I stand with you in solidarity

If you ever see blood when you're not on the bowl, then please go see someone.

I'm Mr. See The Doctor If A Thought Just Crossed My Mind so don't even worry about me

Talking about Mr. J355 celebrating passover with his boxer shorts.

tmi for tmi

Yah i think given the circs pp is the man who knows whats what when it comes to this topic. Get it checked!

Idk if the entreaties are directed to me but I am going to the doc, but no rush bc I saw a doc years ago who said it was a weak spot from the lancing and to just be careful. But I'm hoping for a better prognosis.

Like my daddy said, don't ever trust anything that bleeds for more than three days and doesn't die.

I never thought that saying would apply to me....

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought the saying would apply to me, but....

Ho-hum. Ovulating and thinking fondly of extremely masculine qualities, hands like slabs of meat, extreme un-prettiness, the more beat-up looking the better. Really an ideal solution is probably to date two entirely different people at different times of the month. During the other 3 weeks I can appreciate delicate features, cheekbones, long tapered elegant hands, etc, but not right now.

How's that for TMI?

I used to be all for the meat slabs all month long, now I can appreciate a range of features. I should try tracking my preferences.

I wish I were going ton a hardcore show and not on a date with someone smart and probably very nice. Problems, eh??

mmm big hands :D

Take your date to the hardcore show, sink or swim buddy

It would hardly be fair to do that and then eye the tattooed train-wrecks the whole time. No, no, this is just a sensible meet-up over beers.

I appreciate your candid thoughts

Ow, sorry. It's the TMI thread!

I think he was being serious?

I was!

I didn't realize ovulation changed a girl's taste in men. (Certainly fills in some blanks for me.)

I mean, I am a dude so I don't know if I can pin it down to a particular time of the season but different things appeal differently for sure