Short, productive, alert periods punctuated by long bleak stretches of nothingness. Inability to communicate. Stay in bed. Long periods just sitting numbly, blankly, waiting for the tabula rasa to fill magically. Of course it never can. Can't speak, can't write, can't concentrate apart from endless agony induced by what has happened.
Discovering the true meaning of heartache - the ribs on the left side actually produce a dull stress-induced pain, right underneath the heart. It is literally broken.
Wondering how many more fucking days I can tolerate waking up, feeling this cold, pointless emptiness, thinking only "I could have gone last night. No need to have suffered through another of these hellish days."
(N.B.: for newcomers, read the "Marcello and Laura" set of threads on this board for the whole story. Brief summary: widowed almost seven weeks ago, imminently to become homeless)
Dora Carrington only lasted seven weeks after Strachey died.
No one left to be hurt by anything I do or don't do. Joke family keen that I let them know when I move so that they can have the coffee table.
Nothing more to say about music, certainly not on ILM. It's all been said/done/pastiched/analysed. Served its purpose.
Not sure if I have anything more to say about anything. Work continues; providing sole structure in my life at the moment.
House-hunting. What a joke. Like applying for a fucking job. Crap about "fitting in" and "selling yourself." I haven't got the energy or the will to do either. I just want it out of the way.
You try your best, get brief incandescent flashes, but are ultimately flattened by the complete fucking pointlessness of it all.
Mentally I can't cope with this for much longer. Nor physically.
I could have pressed the return key 30 times and just left a big blank space. That would have said it all equally well.
Depression, people. That's what it's like.
An effort even to type this.
Yeah but it's just post-bereavement grief Marcello. Everyone goes through it. You're not losing it. It's natural. Six months from now you'll
No I won't. I know me too well for that.
Self-pity man. Wallowing in it. There's a
YEAH I KNOW THERE'S A FUCKING WAR ON IT DOESN'T NEUTRALISE HOW I FEEL
ABSENCE OF BANDAGES DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE NOT SICK
Can anybody think of a reason why I should go on?
― Not Dead Yet, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
reason to go on living? to remember things, to be with others, to
do the things that you need to do.
― marianna, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
Get some help. Do you have a therapist or doctor you can go to? A
good friend? Ask for help from someone. An excellent therapist who
has really become more friend was the only person/thing in my life to
keep me going at times. I'm eternally grateful to her. I hope you can
find a similar life raft.
Remember above all else, no matter how unlikely it may seem now, you
can live through this. One day you will feel better. Make that your
goal, to see that day, and you have your reason to keep on going.
― Samantha, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
I mean, listen, I am so not trying to be cold, but I've been there. I
mean, good god, the night I met my fiance I went on a complete
bender, and ended up sobbing on the floor trying to slash my wrists
with the first knife I could find (thankfully for me now, a butter
knife - I was really piss drunk. Those things do damage though,
surprisingly). And there's really nothing anyone can say or tell you
is good about your life that is going to stop you from feeling that
way, that's the way depression is, real hardcore depression at least.
The only thing I can tell you is that it's too soon into it to judge.
If you keep telling yourself hang on for another day over and over,
you might eventually find for yourself your reason to keep going. You
just have to take a deep breath and say, "One more day. I will
pretend to be normal for just one more day". And then say that
tomorrow. And the day after. So on and so forth.
This might not help you or save you or stop you from doing what you
currently seem to believe is inevitable. But it might just stay you
long enough to find your way out of what's going on in your head
You might want to go seek some sort of help, be it professional or
otherwise, but being as I always refused to, I am being hypocritical
to suggest it. I do hope you can find the strength to ask someone for
help though, because once you do it really DOES help.
― Ally, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
I'm not going to give a reason why you should go on Marcello, it'll
be difficult to give a reason that you won't immediately dead-bat
anyway. But, of course, you must go on and I can't think of a reason
why you shouldn't.
But have you spoken a bereavement councellor at all? There are people
who will understand and can help you. You have a family, have you
spoken to them? It sounds trite but you aren't alone and you needen't
feel alone. You just need some help Marcello, and no-one could blame
you for how you feel but you must try to seek and accept help.
Thing's change. They always change.
― DavidM, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
There's all schools of thought
about what happens when you die. There's all schools of thought about why
there's "good" and "bad" in the world. Depressed people are usually fixated
on "good", "bad" and "death", basically due to desires unfulfilled or seemingly
unable to be fulfilled.
There's a bunch of people that believe a "perfect"
God would somehow create a perfect entity that would turn "bad" (Satan)
and convince people to doubt God's perfection (namely, by eating from the
tree of good and evil), and, thereby causing this world of misery... Let's think
about this for a second: perfect beings, according to this old lore, choose
Why would that be?
Let's talk about reality, now, not old
stories:When everything is great, people still find much to complain
about, sometimes more than people who lead miserable lives of poverty. This
is because this is how the mind works. For instance, how long can you
concentrate on one good thing and have it remain "good"? Everything's
"goodness" and newness wears off because we live from moment to moment
and it is impossible to freeze one moment of goodness in time, while
continuing to move forward with our lives. Our minds label a thing as "good"
or "bad" and has the tendency to move on, eager to label the next thing
"good" or "bad". If you make a million dollars, you will quickly get used to the
idea, rather than being fixated on how "good" it is to be rich, and you will
start focusing on other desires. Whether the desire is for another million
dollars or for finding someone who really "loves" you is not important. You
follow your desires, and are neither fulfilled before you achieve your goals or
after you achieve your goals.
Why is this?
Imagine that you attained
perfection. How long would it last? Only for the moment. The rest of the time
you would be trying to "freeze" this perfect moment in time forever,
remembering how great it is to be perfect. But, it couldn't last and it wouldn't
last. This is the way the universe works: everything is in flux.
imagine you kill yourself. Is that really the end to your misery? Science has
many new ideas regarding creation of life, how the universe works, etc. One
thing that sticks out is the fact that the universe has proven itself to be an
intelligent system. Evolution occured, most likely, not out of chance, but by
intelligent choice. The fact that the universe is nonlocal proves that
everything is interconnected through some mysterious and invisible force
(dark matter, perhaps?)
So, then, let's say you blow your head off. You
are gone, in the mind of who you are. But, the greater intelligence of the
universe still exists, and, in some way, you are part of it, you return to it.
There really is no escape, except maybe from your minute perspective that
currently resides in the shell of your head. Better to enjoy the individual
perspective your body can provide while you have the opportunity. If you are
striving to be happy, you will never be happy. You will always be striving to
be happy. If you simply are happy in every moment, there is nothing to strive
for... and that is the difference, as trite as it seems. Each shitty moment will
pass, but it is only considered "shitty" if you choose to label it as such. So,
let's say you're girlfriend dumped you... or you are ugly as sin... these are
things you can dwell on or use as an opportunity to explore new things... like,
dating or, if nobody finds you attractive in the least, there are many things
that can fill the seeming void of companionship. After all, many people are
dissatisfied with the companionship they aquire, even if they're get lots of it
from lots of different people every week.
If nothing is interesting to you,
seek out things you can identify with, like books on existentialism. It sounds
like you are reeling from the futility of existence. But, existence is not futile.
That's what it does. It just keeps existing... and there really is no escape from
existence, there is only different perspectives about existence. Note: I am not
suggesting you will be reincarnated, but whatever comes after death (and
nobody really knows), one thing the universe shows us is that everything is
the same and there is no "good" and "bad". There will always be suffering,
change, etc. Be glad you are not living in worse circumstances, in the filth and
ignorance of the dark ages, for instance.
― Nude Spock, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
because death is for wussies.
because you'd be insulting laura.
(when alexis was taken from me...so, suddenly, with no build up,
just...alive, vibrant, calling me on her cell on the way to the
airport at the beginning of the week and then...cold, in a box, made
up by some ghoulish mary kay girl to recapture that flush she got
when she was excited or turned on or laughing or angry
or...alive...but that light had now gone out...it felt as if nine
years had been eradicated from my life...i spent months feeling as if
i was being cotinually...raped...mentally...and...i cant count the
number of times i stood in front of a mirror...and thought...very
seriously...calmly...about...doing...it...the big IT...it had never
seemed so...easy...to slip away...
what stopped me?
imagining her...rage...at me doing something so stupid and fucking
SELFISH...you have a fucking GIFT, man...you have the years she
doesnt...you better fill them...every minute...with as much LIFE as
you can...cuz like a baby you're eating for two now...and even if i
ever find someone to make me feel the...unfettered joy...that she
brought...i'll still be living the rest of my life FOR her in so many
so don't do it.
― jess, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
― Mike Hanle y, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
― Kim, Thursday, 11 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
I still think there is not point but I'm not immobilised now. I
can't tell you any reason to go on, just as I can't think of one for
myself - except maybe hope and because it's easier to do nothing.
And by looking at the sky or touching a tree or digging in some dirt
or lying on the grass, I am reminded that, even though there is no
point, I might as well hang around and have momentary pleasurable
Shiatsu massage is one of those pleasureable experiences. Despite
costing $50 and only lasting for an hour or so it may well be worth
going on for.
― toraneko, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
Go on, not because there's a point, but because eventually you'll
learn to enjoy living again. I've never believed there's a point to
life, but when you're not enjoying it either then it seems like
you're just doing time.
I stopped wanting to do anything because no activity was
enjoyable, so I had no inclination to do things. the inactivity was
killing me and made it worse.
Regaining interest in things takes much healing time, but soon you
become human again -- WANTING to do things. something I'd forgotten i
when you want to do something, and that thing is enjoyable, that's
a feeling worth living for.
― Alan Trewartha, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
― Kodanshi, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
― Bill, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
― Brian MacDonald, Friday, 12 October 2001 00:00 (11 years ago) Permalink
Want a hug so bad and the man won't be home for three hours. Fucking THESE DAYS. These fucking days.
― Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:20 (5 years ago) Permalink
::HUGZ:: come to ilx chatz is a happy fam
― chaki, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:20 (5 years ago) Permalink
i give abbott hug & will not stab her man tonight even tho i want to
― deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:21 (5 years ago) Permalink
yes! come to chatz abbott there's lotsa love there
― Rubyredd, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:22 (5 years ago) Permalink
This book has helped me a lot.
― Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:22 (5 years ago) Permalink
― Aimless, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:23 (5 years ago) Permalink
ILX thinks yr great, Abbs. Take that for whatever it's worth to you, you can totally pwn the next three hours.
― Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:24 (5 years ago) Permalink
I'd give him a call but like he needs to spend 15 minutes of work hearing me in choking sobs over the phone.
― Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:25 (5 years ago) Permalink
Why don't you give him a call and ask him to tell you a story, instead? That way you get to hear his voice and feel closer to him but won't feel like you're dumping on him...?
― Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:27 (5 years ago) Permalink
Also it will prob be a better story than the one about your dad and the birds. Because THAT'S not depressing or anything.
I've been thinking about that one for the past few days. Why?
― Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 00:30 (5 years ago) Permalink
Hope the time passes quickly for you; depression is awful - I've so been there (not too badly lately, thankfully).
Hang in there. (And yeah, I'm sure that doesn't help much from a perfect stranger, but unless you're in southern Minnesota, it will be hard for me to invite you over for brownies or something!)
― Sara R-C, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:07 (5 years ago) Permalink
what kind of brownies
― deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:10 (5 years ago) Permalink
megabus is only a dollar and i'd pay a dollar for brownies.
― chicago kevin, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:15 (5 years ago) Permalink
― omar little, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:15 (5 years ago) Permalink
See? An hour has already passed! How you doin?
― Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:21 (5 years ago) Permalink
Damn this accursed MACHIIIIINE!
― robertwolf8080, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:27 (5 years ago) Permalink
Just plain brownies! They are kind of fudgy - no nuts - very simple, with chocolate icing (really just chocolate chips melted with some butter). I made them because I was feeling low today.
Megabus sounds like something from My Neighbor Totoro. I must find out about it!
― Sara R-C, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:30 (5 years ago) Permalink
no weed, no visitation.
just kidding, id kill for any kind of homemade brownie right now.
and how is abbott doing now?? apparently no longer at her computer surfing ilx, which means: way better off than any of us.
― deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:42 (5 years ago) Permalink
I went and got a baked potato at Wendy's. Some good songs came on the radio that made me nostalgic. The nostalgia took me places I shouldn't have gone, but the potato was good. And, uh, pulling through, You guys 'r' swell.
― Abbott, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:46 (5 years ago) Permalink
― chicago kevin, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:49 (5 years ago) Permalink
the bacon cheddar baked potato is the only baked potato worth having
― deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:51 (5 years ago) Permalink
you're crazy deeznuts. the bacon cheddar may be at the top of the baked potato hierarchy but by no means is it "the only baked potato worth having".
― chicago kevin, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:54 (5 years ago) Permalink
I am actually a fan of the potato skins with cheddar and bacon, with a side of sour cream and chives. Hit all the bases that way.
― Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:56 (5 years ago) Permalink
ok, fine. excuse me for being hyperbolic. the sour cream & chive is a delicious steal, & i would recommend it to anyone short of $2.49.
xp i didnt know this was possible?? i dont have a wendy's within 45 mins of me anymore tho
― deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:58 (5 years ago) Permalink
i know admitting it is like admitting that i enjoy the slaughter of kittens, but i have to say that i find baked potatos fairly nasty
― remy bean, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 01:59 (5 years ago) Permalink
Oh, not at Wendy's. They're awesome in diners or at home, though.
― Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:01 (5 years ago) Permalink
theyre mainly a starchy delivery device for cheese/sour cream/butter/etc
― jhøshea, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:02 (5 years ago) Permalink
remy, do you eat them with like, stuff on them? cuz baked potatoes are disgusting, which is why you coat them w/ butter & sour cream & cheese & bacon, all of which are wonderful things that i fail to understand how anyone could not love.
― deeznuts, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:03 (5 years ago) Permalink
fighting w/ my fiancee because i do what the psychiatrist + therapist tell me to do and she stubbornly fights them every inch of the way (we have different psychiatrists + therapists).
― moonship journey to baja, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:04 (5 years ago) Permalink
Remy has v cultivated tastes, he probably likes more imaginative potato forms. I'm a simple person, though, and I like mine with lots and lots of salt and dairy product.
― Laurel, Tuesday, 16 October 2007 02:05 (5 years ago) Permalink
yeah i think like half of my emotional stress now is caused by pretending i don't have any. my dignity tho is only in my roommate's eyes, not mine or god's or the guy shuffling past the house while i climbed out who obviously has much worse problems than i do
― the white queen and her caustic judgments (difficult listening hour), Saturday, 11 May 2013 03:08 (1 week ago) Permalink
fwiw i have v. much enjoyed your comments on russian history, among others
― mookieproof, Saturday, 11 May 2013 04:45 (1 week ago) Permalink
dignity is for suckers
― Nhex, Saturday, 11 May 2013 05:11 (1 week ago) Permalink
thanks mookieproof! that specifically is kind of a relief.
― the white queen and her caustic judgments (difficult listening hour), Saturday, 11 May 2013 08:07 (1 week ago) Permalink
For all the good posting here will do me, I should probably go shout at a brick wall instead (and, hey, maybe I'll give this a go at lunch), but sometimes I need some sort of outlet between therapy sessions, for lack of anyone else to talk to about these things. Despite being pretty happy with most aspects of my life right now, I'm just finding myself crushed more and more under the weight of not having any people in my life I can really consider good friends. It's like I have a great orbit of my immediate family and then a really periphery orbit of people that are basically acquaintances, people I get along with well when I see them but that I don't think either them or I would really consider us "friends". It's that big gaping space in-between those two orbits that is weighing me down.
It doesn't help that I read a couple articles a few weeks ago about how difficult it is to make friends after 35 and I pretty much hit all of the demographic ticks that allegedly make it even harder (male, relatively set in a career, being a parent). I'm just slowly coming to the conclusion that I will never again have anything resembling a close friend and I find that incredibly depressing. Its just become pretty clear that if, especially as a male, you don't have a really solid group of friends after college, you're basically pretty much screwed.
I had a whole bunch more random bullshit typed out here, but it made me sound even more pathetic, so I'll just leave it at that.
― i kant believe it's not buffon (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 13 May 2013 14:31 (1 week ago) Permalink
Hey jon. Is it possible/easy for you to check out activities locally you'd be interested in? I realise having young kids limits you t timewise etc, but doing something, anything, in a group gives at least a common start.
Telephone thing- i've applied to go back to college today, and i'm 7% older than you. Lots of ppl dont make the best of college first time round, and most of them wont have had reasons as valid as yours. In any case, you can only start from today with it- im hoping having a bit more life experience, and knowing what i want now and why i want it, make up for at least a couple of the intervening years.
― i gave ten pounds and all i got was a lousy * (darraghmac), Monday, 13 May 2013 15:24 (1 week ago) Permalink
I've been trying (unsuccessfully) to find some sort of activity to do, but I'm striking out left and right. The vast majority of groups I've researched in my area are aimed, from what I can tell, at retirees, because they all meet right in the middle of the work day. The only things I've found that seem to line-up with my age group are either sports groups (which I'm absolute shit at and wouldn't enjoy) or singles groups (obviously not). The options for working people who aren't interested in sports are pretty much non-existant.
― i kant believe it's not buffon (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 13 May 2013 15:29 (1 week ago) Permalink
Lots of ppl dont make the best of college first time round
Arguably the only way to know how to get the most out of university is to have gone there once, messed it up (like me), and gone back a second time after a few years (which I haven't done, but maybe given the right circumstances, like having money).
― go cray cray on my lobster soufflé (snoball), Monday, 13 May 2013 15:30 (1 week ago) Permalink
good to hear about you guys going back to college, i'm still mustering up the courage to go back after dropping out a decade ago
― Nhex, Monday, 13 May 2013 15:30 (1 week ago) Permalink
Ha jon, i was hoping you dug a sport. ps being shit at it doesnt matter, but obv not enjoying it is not much good to you.
― i gave ten pounds and all i got was a lousy * (darraghmac), Monday, 13 May 2013 15:34 (1 week ago) Permalink
I like sports! Just am really terrible at them. I've joined a few leagues in the past that were supposed to be "just for fun", but inevitably someone takes it way too seriously and the fun just immediately evaporates.
― i kant believe it's not buffon (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 13 May 2013 15:35 (1 week ago) Permalink
Sucks, in the movies one hype montage would sort it out but irl getting really good at sports takes at least idk a week
― i gave ten pounds and all i got was a lousy * (darraghmac), Monday, 13 May 2013 16:18 (1 week ago) Permalink
Okay for real lol, I needed that this morning.
― i kant believe it's not buffon (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 13 May 2013 16:21 (1 week ago) Permalink
what are things you do like to do? Do you find it easy or hard to introduce yourself and/or talk to new people?
you go to music shows semi-regularly iirc, maybe you can volunteer at a non-profit or co-op music venue or festival?
― You must be very cold in the sack. (sarahell), Monday, 13 May 2013 17:45 (1 week ago) Permalink
I'm pretty good at introducing myself and I like to think I'm pretty good at making new acquaintances. I mean, I usually handle myself pretty well in new social situations and am pretty good at talking to new people. That's not really my problem, it's finding people I connect with on a somewhat deeper level that will lead to, "hey we should hang out and do X some time". In the past 3 or 4 years I've managed to meet a few people that I bonded with pretty quickly, but they all fizzled out after that intial meeting (one moved across the country, another flaked out on my, a third was always "too busy"). I just need to fin a situation where I can make more of those type of connections, because my week-to-week life has really limited chances.
― i kant believe it's not buffon (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Monday, 13 May 2013 19:03 (1 week ago) Permalink
volunteer work or some sort of class, maybe? those are things that people our age tend to do to make new friends, expand the scope of their lives beyond the job/family axis.
― You must be very cold in the sack. (sarahell), Monday, 13 May 2013 19:14 (1 week ago) Permalink
I just volunteered with a local community theater and really hit it off with a couple of people there, so I would second volunteer opportunities. Part of the problem with making friends after school is that outside of work, it's hard to get enough exposure to individual people that those deeper levels of connection form. (The other part is everyone is busier!)
― Vinnie, Monday, 13 May 2013 19:36 (1 week ago) Permalink
it's difficult, man
― Nhex, Monday, 13 May 2013 19:45 (1 week ago) Permalink
Not much help, but I can relate, jon. I do a weekly evening class and I've met some nice people through it so I think that's a pretty good option but tbh I don't think I'm really about to take any of my acquaintances to the next level of "we should hang out, not at this class, and do something not related to the topic of this class".
That's partly because the ones I get on with best are a lot older than me, nearly my parents' age, and it feels odd, but apart from that tbh it's probably my failing rather than the class's, as I've never been good at that acquaintance->friendship conversion thing.
Regarding Vinnie's post, a coworker was telling me they volunteer as an usher at the local large-ish theatre, they've met a few friends that way and they get to see the plays (some of them touring plays with name actors) for free, so that's a potentially interesting perk if nothing else...
TT it's 12 years since I dropped out and I'm still too scared to go back, but I've got to say my uncle loved going to uni in his 30s. He missed out on it first time round as he married young, had a messy divorce a year or two later, had a string of dead-end jobs throughout his 20s, and was finally in his element as a mature student.
― susuwatari teenage riot (a passing spacecadet), Monday, 13 May 2013 20:36 (1 week ago) Permalink
volunteer work or some sort of class, maybe?
I'm really trying to find one of these two things. Unfortunately the classes thing isn't working out, again any of the local community college courses I'd even remotely be interested in are during working hours.
― i kant believe it's not buffon (jon /via/ chi 2.0), Tuesday, 14 May 2013 03:02 (6 days ago) Permalink
― j., Thursday, May 9, 2013 11:42 PM
This is brilliant, yes. I was given this link by someone else a couple of days ago, and I should have shared it here, so glad someone else did. I've actually showed it over the last couple of days to people I've been alienating recently to go "this is what my head is doing, if only I was articulate enough to express it in a non-scary way".
― ailsa, Tuesday, 14 May 2013 23:48 (6 days ago) Permalink
that is a great link!
― Nhex, Wednesday, 15 May 2013 01:53 (5 days ago) Permalink
the thing that really got me there was the making fake faces thing. makes you feel like a sociopath.
― the white queen and her caustic judgments (difficult listening hour), Wednesday, 15 May 2013 01:58 (5 days ago) Permalink
i think everyone does that to some extent, non-depressed people just don't feel like they have to do it all the time
― Nhex, Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:03 (5 days ago) Permalink
yeah. i mean, everyone does that when they don't really care about something. the awful thing about doing it all the time is you're doing it to all your friends.
― the white queen and her caustic judgments (difficult listening hour), Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:06 (5 days ago) Permalink
i think people do it even when they do care! well... okay maybe i am sociopath after all
― Nhex, Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:09 (5 days ago) Permalink
I need some way of saving up strength/wellbeing for Saturday, as I'm best man at my brother's wedding, but been feeling pretty bad recently. Thinking some kind of jar. I'm bipolar with just over a year since I was last hospitalised, so I was probably the worst choice he could have made. I'm figuring faking it will be fine, I'm fine at that in normal situations, but does anyone have any advice for a high stress situation like this? Also, the wedding will be my last day drinking before starting meds aimed at sobriety (antabuse etc.), so trying to keep my drinking under control will be an issue too.
This is going to be a disaster (he did say he didn't care how terrible my speech is, he's going to have a good day and wants me there, but for some reason that doesn't alleviate the stress as much as I know it should).
― the so-called socialista (dowd), Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:13 (5 days ago) Permalink
This is the bit that I think hit closest:
it's not really negativity or sadness anymore, it's more just this detached, meaningless fog where you can't feel anything about anything — even the things you love, even fun things — and you're horribly bored and lonely, but since you've lost your ability to connect with any of the things that would normally make you feel less bored and lonely, you're stuck in the boring, lonely, meaningless void without anything to distract you from how boring, lonely, and meaningless it is.
xpost, I dunno, I just plaster on the fakeness. Have an escape mechanism. Take up smoking to give you a reason to go outside (I go out for a fag and play a game or two of freecell on my phone) as soon as you're done with the speech (or invent a kilt malfunction to allow you to run straight off to the bathrooms or something). At my own wedding, I planted a couple of drinks at a couple of tables so that if someone engaged me in conversation I could excuse myself because I was over "there" and had a drink waiting for me. Lather rinse repeat).
― ailsa, Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:19 (5 days ago) Permalink
Oh, I smoke, so hopefully that will help. Just trying to fit both my tobacco tin and a hip flask into my sporran :(
― the so-called socialista (dowd), Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:21 (5 days ago) Permalink
xp totally agreed, i really liked that bit
― Nhex, Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:26 (5 days ago) Permalink
i mostly liked the frowny face w hat. good look.
― controversial vegan pregnancy (contenderizer), Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:28 (5 days ago) Permalink
and i wish i could offer you some advice, dowd, but i can't. when i'm in that frame, the best i can usually manage = a blank expression and an acute focus on the idea that time actually does pass.
― controversial vegan pregnancy (contenderizer), Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:31 (5 days ago) Permalink
Ha, yeah. I don't know what kind of advice I expected, just venting. I mean, I'm gonna have to be...personable. Not my strong point. As far as faking goes, I'm more a sprinter than a long distance guy.
― the so-called socialista (dowd), Wednesday, 15 May 2013 02:43 (5 days ago) Permalink
I went to my two of my best friends' wedding on a day when my depression was at its worst. Didn't have any official capacity in the wedding, but I knew practically everyone there. Almost didn't go. I gave myself a lot of time to escape in between conversations - hung out in the bathroom and other places where I wouldn't have to see people. It was... manageable. The thing to remember is that there are a lot of friends and family there (er I assume), so you don't need to spend much time with any given person. Saying that you have other people to talk to is as good an excuse as any to leave a conversation. I didn't do much talking in the end, mostly just said hi, barely faking a smile. Hope it goes ok for you.
― Vinnie, Wednesday, 15 May 2013 13:39 (5 days ago) Permalink
My supervisor at work is refusing to accept what I've tried to make abundantly clear to him: I am DONE with this job, I can't spend every second outside of classes in New Jersey talking to our fuckwit customers and do in fact need to spend time studying now that I have classes, and that I'm more than willing to cut loose and live off my savings while I look for part-time work in Philly instead sacrificing my private life to keep working as much as possible. If I'm too important to keep things running, too fucking bad; maybe they shouldn't have been foisting everyone else's miscellaneous responsibilities onto me for four years and refined their interview process enough that they could have a better than 25% success rate finding customer service personnel who are willing to put up with this and do a reasonably good job. I've already given them over four fucking years, structured literally every aspect of my life (from where I live to what I do in my free time) around being available to them 45 hours a week (50+ after the commute) and I've got nothing to show for it but wasted time and regret.
― muus lääv? :D muus dut :( (Telephone thing), Wednesday, 15 May 2013 17:18 (5 days ago) Permalink
If you are entirely willing to walk away from a job, then the supervisor can go fuck himself. As long as you are clear in your own thoughts then you have everything you need to go forward.
The reason your supervisor can't seem to accept what you have tried to make abundantly clear is that your previous actions set up a wholly different relationship and set of rules for how you acted. You are changing the rules. Your supervisor is still playing by the old ones, hoping you'll play along. Just don't. The rest is beyond your control. Old saying: there are none so blind as those who will not see.
― Aimless, Wednesday, 15 May 2013 17:27 (5 days ago) Permalink
embrace freedom, TT!
― Nhex, Wednesday, 15 May 2013 18:53 (5 days ago) Permalink
Summers here are hard. This is usually the time when friends graduate and uproot and move away. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I have a hard time making friends that I actually call up to hang out with, and three of those people are leaving. Which leaves me with exactly one platonic friend here in town. Also, the heat makes me want to kill myself.
― emilys., Saturday, 18 May 2013 22:16 (2 days ago) Permalink
wow, i just realized i feel like a dirty freak wherever i go. like i'm some kind-of disgusting gollum monster, and i'll crawl out of my cave out into the human world where people spit at me and tell me that i'm a curse on god's creation.
― Spectrum, Saturday, 18 May 2013 23:55 (2 days ago) Permalink
not a great feeling, tbh
― Spectrum, Saturday, 18 May 2013 23:56 (2 days ago) Permalink
it's easier to deal with that feeling when you live in a big city ime
― You must be very cold in the sack. (sarahell), Sunday, 19 May 2013 00:55 (Yesterday) Permalink
i felt like that spectrum, for maybe 10 years, from early adolescence until a year ago or so, with the worst part being around two years ago when i was severely depressed, barely functional really. sometimes it seems like i just "grew out of it", which isn't helpful to you, but i really do feel better now. i think the reasons i feel better are twofold. 1.) i started making "taking care of myself" a priority... so all the obvious stuff like diet, exercise, SLEEP (the biggest one for me, a lifelong insomniac), whatever. i think that as adults, we are our own "dependents," and if we neglect ourselves it has comparable consequences to what happens to children when their parents neglect them. 2.) i got a dog after college and having to take care of her made me feel like my life had, on the day-to-day level, a kind of purpose, albeit a modest one. that matters, i think. the worst days of my life were idle ones, where everything i did felt arbitrary and consequence-less. also she is the best dog in the world.
it would be a lie if i said that i know, precisely, that these two things are what made me feel better, but i do know that i no longer spend any time thinking of myself as anything like a "gollum monster"... a phrase you used which struck a chord with me because it is similar, although maybe more whimsical, than a lot of the things i would think about myself when i was depressed, i.e. i would think that i was "sub-human" somehow. i don't feel that way anymore.
sorry if all of this sounds like cliches. it's hard to talk about emotional health without resorting to cliched sounding things. i'm sure you'll get better, spectrum. the most important thing is to treat yourself kindly, both in your thoughts and actions.
― Michigan seems like a dream to me now (Treeship), Sunday, 19 May 2013 01:21 (Yesterday) Permalink
(that was way too long and over-sharey. sorry. mostly, i wanted to respond because the thing you said about not wanting to meet people because of internalized self-loathing just really registered with me.)
― Michigan seems like a dream to me now (Treeship), Sunday, 19 May 2013 01:23 (Yesterday) Permalink
impossible to over-share on depression thread
― resulting paste of mashed cheez poops (silby), Sunday, 19 May 2013 01:30 (Yesterday) Permalink
(also, i basically think that with this stuff, everyone has their own path toward feeling better... not every "trick," cognitive or behavioral, works in the same way for every person. so just, everyone here, i think you should all follow your instincts. if you do what you think is the best thing for yourself, you are probably doing the right thing.) xp to myself
― Michigan seems like a dream to me now (Treeship), Sunday, 19 May 2013 01:31 (Yesterday) Permalink
― the late great, Sunday, 19 May 2013 01:50 (Yesterday) Permalink
― Nhex, Sunday, 19 May 2013 03:28 (Yesterday) Permalink
The wedding went very well - I was feeling quite a bit better by then thankfully. I did manage to sweat many times my own body-weight, but I was able to pass off that as being due to the kilt rather than anxiety (and my kilt is horribly heavy and hot). After my speech I was able to get down to some serious drinking, which is my usual way of dealing with these problems. Today is my first day of sobriety though, so I can't do that anymore. Just need to make it to Friday when I start on Disulfiram.
― the so-called socialista (dowd), Monday, 20 May 2013 14:05 (5 hours ago) Permalink
that's good to hear; good luck dude
― Nhex, Monday, 20 May 2013 14:07 (5 hours ago) Permalink