Rate the people sitting across or next to you on public transport

Weird lady waiting at gate in Reno/Tahoe International, looking like a cross between a beanbag chair and a natural disaster, making groaning/moaning noises that sounded variously like she was constipated, suffering from a gunshot wound, going into labor, or about to climax - then she'd shut up for three minutes and then it'd start all over: 0/10

I may have stealthily recorded this audio with my digital camera.

girl sitting across from me tonight runs into someone she knows, they're all omg, sit down to in-depth convo. halfway uptown, another dude she knows gets on the same car, rinse, repeat. pret-ty, pret-ty good.

5 year old boy sitting opposite his mum leisurely caressing her thighs from the knee to about 3 inches south of the crotch, a combined 1/10

how is ian riese-moraine, anyway?

Ageing indie hipster with trendy but thinning hair, slight paunch, toting satchel with Beggars Banquet logo on it: 0/10

Tiny Japanese girl with muscular Brazilian-looking boyfriend, her bossing him around and telling him to get off near the Italian shoe shop so he can buy her some new shoes: 10/10 and 5/10.

Guy with deformed right hand ranting about the government: 7/10 (may not have been about the government)

Black American driver of 176 stopping at Camberwell Green at 3am and walking round the bus shouting "I WANNA SAY THIS REAL CLEAR SO Y'ALL DON'T HAVE TO KEEP ASKIN ME - THIS BUS WILL TERMINATE AT DULWICH LIBRARY. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FOREST HILL. IT AIN'T GOIN TO SYDEN-HAM. IT AIN'T GOIN TO FUCKIN PENGE. IT TERMINATES AT DULWICH LIBRARY" - 10/10

-- That mong guy that's shit, Monday, March 17, 2008 12:13 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark Link

this could be a great novelty track a la 'it's grim up north'

I'll never forget you, Crewe to Carlisle train, I got off for Edinburgh, you stayed til Glasgow, late July 2004, sigh.

10/10

guy next to me who keeps offering women his seat just because they're women: 0/10

40-year-old woman who looked 60 and stared me out because I dared to sit down: -4.5/10

kiwi backpacker dude who didn't seem to understand bus drivers won't accept £20 notes: -10000000000000000000/10

Crackhead dude hanging around the station who comes up to me and goes "Hey ras boss, you ain't got 20p I can borrow for the train" and when I say no, he walks round the car park, comes back 20 seconds later and goes "Hey ras boss, I need..." and when I tell him he just asked me he goes "Asked you what?" and I say "for 20p for the train" he goes "Oh yeh sorry about that boss" then circles the car park again. 2/10 for effort.

unidentified person in packed tram who reeks of MOTH BALLS: minus several billion

guy next to me who's dumping his gf/bf by text: 6

kiwi backpacker dude who didn't seem to understand bus drivers won't accept £20 notes: -10000000000000000000/10

-- DG,

no excuse for this kind of behaviour, since kiwi bus drivers will shit all over you for pulling the same stunt here.

smartly dressed middle-aged woman lying asleep across two-thirds of the back seat of a packed-out 44 bus the other morning, occasionally twitching and kicking the back of my seat with some force: 4/10.

enormously fat dude rocking the paedo look -- blue anorak, tinted specs, unlovingly recycled plastic bag containing yellowing bits of paper and a banana, black slacks with a stain for every day of the week, vile smell of two-month-old body odour and stale spunk -- disqualified for being too disgusting.

SPUNK

Guy on the 237 yesterday boasting loudly to his 'friend' that he hadn't actually beaten up his girlfriend cos he only pushed her. "If I wanted to actually beat her up I fucking could have there and then." Adds that he knows the difference between Common Assault and GBH thank you very much before demanding the driver stop the bus specifically for him (not at a bus stop) and, once off, throwing his beer can into a bush.

Minus infinity, if that exists.

Woman opposite me who is whining to her friend about being told off at Tr1pl3 M because she stuffed up some on-air promos and got in trouble for bollocksing a cash give-away and omg how shit is Aust3r3o anyway: 4/10

Guy on the bus every day who just seems to be getting twitchier and twitchier with every passing week. That new haircut isn't going to impress anybody, especially if he keeps scratching the back of his neck and wiping the sweat of his forehead with his shirt sleeve every 30 seconds.

Drunk, scantily clad young woman sat opposite a friend of mine on the 73 with her vagina in full view: 1/10

one of my workmates will soon be visiting London for the first time. He was inquiring as to whether it would be acceptable to talk to random strangers on the Tube.

Neil S, surely that merits a 10?

It was one or the other. Apparently my friend pointed this out and got a load of abuse!

Guy on Path train to World Trade Center ranting about 9/11 conspiracies: 1/10 for effort

Half the passengers actually paying attention: 0/10

one of my workmates will soon be visiting London for the first time. He was inquiring as to whether it would be acceptable to talk to random strangers on the Tube.

I hope you told him it's actively encouraged, particularly during rush hour.

Guy who is the spit of Surmounter: 8/10 because he doesn't look exactly like Surmounter

Woman reading a book with a bookmark that has BOOK MARK hand-written on it: 4/10

Tiny woman who sat next to me and said nothing but when she got up to get out of the bus, gave me a small yellow card telling me about how singing "HU!" brings me closer to god: 8/10

Bell-end who stood right up against me on a half-empty tram: minus several billion for being a dick

Wilfrid Brambell in a dress: wtf/10

dude air-guitaring to his ipod the other day: rock on \m/

i don't do this. i only rate their reading material.

mentally handicapped gentleman to the right of me picking his nose: 1/10
unwashed gentleman to the left of me sitting sideways and taking up two seats so as to better air his scrotum: 1/10
everyone else on bus: 10/10 by comparison

Person puking copiously all over the floor/wall throughout half-hour bus journey, you were a bit unexpected on the 8am commuter bus (as opposed to the Friday night "late" bus), but it probably isn't your fault that you made going into work this morning a little bit more awful, so it would be rude to give you a score I guess

(but if I have the spew-plague tomorrow when I was looking forward to going to something, you will automatically get -9000 out of ten)

Is -9000 out of ten a valid rating or would 1^-9000/10 be better?

Conan O'Brien: 2/10

Man whose ears are so hairy that his earphones will not stay in: n/a

Dude making death threats over the phone for like 20 minutes straight: 3/10 (the line about "hey man I'm gonna go send you your obituary 'cause you ain't gonna be able to read it after I'm through with you" was pretty good)

This one comes from back in time, but:

Grizzled-old-prospector looking man wearing a blue jumpsuit and a patent leather, stripper-sized cowboy hat, going one stop on the 41 bus from San Diego to La Jolla every Saturday morning in 2004/05:

9/10

Old bloke who saw me using an iPhone, interrupted me to talk about his bloody new mac and actually followed me up Greville St to whinge about some random bird who won't have coffee with him: just fuck off

There is a guy on my bus who carries around a tupperware lunchbox which contains a military green canvas zip-up thing which looks like a CD wallet, but it turns out to have a Jesus fish on the cover and be a little zip-up camouflage Bible, which he gets out and reads on the bus.

And often he is found staring into space grinning, actively grinning at nothing in particular with eyes gleaming and teeth visible, which is a bit unnerving.

But today he wasn't grinning. For some reason I couldn't hear over my headphones, it took him a very long time to buy his ticket, and when he finally sat down he wore a visibly disgruntled facial expression all the way into town.

He was right opposite me and it was all I could do not to crack up every time I looked up and saw this normally grinning guy holding a perfect cartoon I AM DISPLEASED face for 20 minutes.

So, 9/10 I guess?

Pacific Islander Dude slapping Asian Dude in a friendly, jokey manner: 5/10

Guy who looked like a young Bono, only with a frankly absurd quantity of red hair and a perpetually shocked expression (maybe he'd just realised how much hair he has): 7.5/10.

White guy in early 20s who gets on the blue line northbound in long beach and plays metallica on an unamplified electric guitar all the way to union station: 8/10

Small woman in late teens/early twenties wearing a fedora with a feather in it, carrying two enormous suitcases, and with a sleeping bag strapped to her back trying to get on the subway during rush hour. She whapped a middle-aged woman in the head with her sleeping bag every time she turned around. She apologized each time, but that didn't stop her from turning around. 0/10

Fat, white-haired guy with small (grand?)child and tantalising-smelling bag of chips: 5/10, because I can't work out whether not giving the small child any chips was a) an admirable display of your understanding of nutritional importance and young children's need for a healthy diet, or b) a bit of a cunt's trick.

Vile scum on the N91 ranting at the top of his voice about how he "fucking hates queers" whilst punching the glass divide because three seats in front of him one man had the audacity to kiss another. 0/10.

Teenage girl on the upper deck of the N41 who sat so close to me that she was practically on my knee, then proceeded to yell "stop rubbing up against me you perve" at the top of her voice when I tried to move my legs. 0/10.

Guy sat behind me on the N18 whispering directly into my ear "if you don't get off the bus right fucking now I am going to kill you". 0/10 (but fair enough, as I had just been sick everywhere).

stop rubbing against teenagers you perve

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