thread to get over a breakup

unless you're talking about an arranged marriage i do not understand why people still go through an engagement step on the way to marriage. it just seems so antiquated and bizarre to me.

i don't either tbh but if he hadn't gone through that step they would be married already. broken engagement > divorce for sure

like 99 percent of the marriage process is stuff that is not necessary or or stuff that doesn't make sense anymore but it's done because of tradition. the whole deal is very traditional. those aspects aren't for everybody but sometimes doing something for the sake of tradition is nice.

I kind of felt the same way, but I also got a lot of pushback that serious examination of issues would only happen after engagement. GUESS WHAT!

There was this weird point that was probably miscommunicated where I was trying to get a relationship counseling-type of thing going back in January or February, but what her psychologist parents supposedly said (which I now think is probably not what they really said) was that that sort of thing isn't very common and pre-marriage counseling was the way to go.

I have mentioned many times here that I was a moron and really wanted to love this girl, right?

fatal error imo

emotional detachment is the only way to approach marriage :(

ur not a moron, stuff happens

x-post Agreed, and I think a part of me always knew something like this would happen, I just wanted to believe.

i was actually saying what harbl said, tbh

There was this weird point that was probably miscommunicated where I was trying to get a relationship counseling-type of thing going back in January or February, but what her psychologist parents supposedly said (which I now think is probably not what they really said) was that that sort of thing isn't very common and pre-marriage counseling was the way to go.

I can believe that her parents said that but, if they knew the problems their daughter was having, I can also believe that the part where they said "but you really need some heavy-duty counseling" was left out when the story was retold to you.

darraghmac i'm trying to figure out if you were kidding

Dan, I don't think they really had a clue of the full picture. I was probably the only one who saw her in every state she'd go through, and that world is one I no longer want to live in.

Did I also mention several times she mentioned things to me where she made it clear she had never told anyone else in the world outside of one friend? Like, traumatic things that happened in early college that she never sought therapy for and did a lot of self-blaming for years.

Thanks for the feedback so far guys, this is a load off of my mind

i was half kidding, half wistful, i think,

you're right though, part of it is "how much do I love this person, and do I want to be with them?" and then rationally you have to think "will I be alive in ten years if I go with this course of action?"

well, maybe not that dire, but you get the drift

MH, you seem like a decent guy who's been through a really difficult and heartbreaking situation, and more than anything, your emotional pain at this breakup comes through. You are obviously really hurting and my heart goes out to you.

It's just really difficult for me to read this, being that I am a woman who has suffered from mental illness my entire life - and has been through utterly gutting breakups where my mental illness has been cited as a "cause" for the breakup. (in cases that completely ignored other glaring issues in the relationship which caused it to fracture.)

So it's really difficult for me to read about your breakup and not see it through the lens of mine own.

I'm not trying to excuse someone who is acting in a way that seems abhorrent or inexcusable to you. I'm just saying that it's a little more complicated than someone "playing you". Unless you've actually experienced mental illness firsthand, it's quite difficult to understand how it can make people that you love behave the way that they do. It's not always a question of being willfully awful (*especially* in the case of someone who has come off medication - you're not just dealing with someone facing the recurrence of mental illness, but withdrawal symptoms that can often be more bizarre and extreme than the illness itself.)

However, as someone who's been on the other side, as well - and attempted to have a relationship with another person whose mental problems made it impossible to have any kind of meaningful relationship with them - there is a point where you have to decide if you can take this person, warts and all, or if you can not.

There's only one person who can answer that question.

(My own personal take on that is that I am willing to go there for someone who on the whole is willing to work with their illness, and attempt (doesn't always have to be successful, but the trying is the main part) to keep their head above the waters. I am not willing to go there for someone who denies their illness, or insists they don't have a problem, or, the very worst, those who use their illness as some kind of "get out of trouble free" card.)

I apologise in advance for the ways in which this post will be misinterpreted, but I didn't just want to not say anything.

No, you are completely in the right, Kate. I'm sorry I phrased it that I felt "played," but I mean that not necessarily that I was being played by her as much as I was by the illness. And for what it's worth, we had a lot of differences that I think would have made things fall apart in a number of years, from kids to employment to religion. To be honest, I think the illness made me stick in for things longer, because I kept being told that if we did one more thing, then the situation would be better. Which it never was, no matter what the thing was.

The illness itself was never a reason to leave, but her lack of managing it was what finally opened my eyes.

I've had a pretty traumatic weekend, in that I made some poor decisions on Friday night that I will have to deal with for some time, but none of them were relationship-oriented, luckily. But I ran into our friend A. who is getting married in about a month and what she said will stick with me for some time. She told me that she's supposed to hate me, blame me, etc. as a friend of my ex, but she doesn't. She thinks I made the right decision and she wishes the best. It's one of those things where I might be losing something, but possibly a lot less than I thought.

We re-broke up, this time permanently, and certainly for the best for both of us. We had a good run and I have no regrets. He is very upset but I hope that in time I will be at least an 85% positive memory.

Saw him last night for the first time since breakup (a week ago). Seeing as how he was standing alone and had gotten some kinda haircut, I talked to him and at one point made a comment about the cut and kinda patted/noogied his head.

A few minutes later he sent me this text: "I don't mind talking and hanging, but could you not scruff my hair. That burns tbh."

Wow

lol baby

"lol baby" is amazingly otm, and a tangy phrase to boot. "lol baby" could be a nickname. if I were to write a book about our relationship it would be titled "lol baby."

relationships are hard

nah

<3

<3

aww

A few minutes later he sent me this text: "I don't mind talking and hanging, but could you not scruff my hair. That burns tbh."

Baby, baby, baby

Your hand is like a torch
Each time you touch me
And that look in, in your eyes
It just tears me apart

But please don't open
The door to Heaven
If I can't, if I can't come in

Oh, don't touch me
If you don't love me
Don't do it, sweetheart

Don't give me something
That you might soon
Soon take away, baby
To have you and then lose you
That wouldn't be smart on my part

Oh, baby, baby
Don't open the door to Heaven
If you won't, if you won't let me in
And please don't touch me
Unless you love me, sweetheart

Oh, please don't touch me
Unless you love me
Don't do it, sweetheart

after this occurence and some hearsay i am happy to never lay a finger on this chap again

Stickin it to em.

there wont be any of that either

curious about the hearsay tbh

tbhq

Breaking up is rarely easy. Unless it's amicable, there is generally a feeling of devastation on one side, while the initiating party feels relief. It's undeniable that break-ups suck, but there are ways to make them more bearable. Keep reading to get your heart healing.

* Leave your pity party early.

That's right. It's your party, but that's enough crying. Time to call it a night. Put away the photo albums, stash the Ben & Jerry's back in the freezer, and shut off those sappy 80s love ballads (this is actually for everyone's benefit.) These are necessary steps to take in moving on. No one is going to want to date someone who has pictures of their ex, covered in tears and melted ice cream, scattered across their bed.

* Don't be a stalker.

It's easy to keep track of what your ex is doing in this age of technology. However, desperate text messages after a night of drinking aren't going to make you seem desirable, just pathetic. In fact, the iPhone even has an application just for you drunk dialers that will block someone's number for a certain amount of time, so use it to your benefit if you can't keep your fingers on good behavoir. Oh yeah, and get off their Facebook. Knowing what they did over the weekend isn't as gratifying when you have to creep through their pictures to figure it out.

* Work on moving on.

Breaking up doesn't have to be such a negative situation. Instead, focus on the positive. You can try something new your partner wasn't into, such as yoga, or even a different type of cuisine. Do your best to find out who you are without your previous "other half." Maybe he or she didn't like the club scene, so go out dancing with some friends, and look smoking hot doing it. Treat yourself to a makeover and emerge on the dating scene as a newly single twentysomething on the prowl. Rawr!

haha ^^^ i just now sent the guy i started this thread about an email to gloat that i got a voice message from bill steer

chump

(i meant him, but it can just as easily apply to me now)

i misread that as you sent the guy you started this thread about a copy of this thread ...

today's music listening reminds me that I missed the ghostface/raekwon set at a music festival because she was getting heat stroke from drinking too much beer and sleeping in the sun on a humid-ass day

so it goes

most recent breakup here ^^^ just texted me and called me a cunt

o_O O_o

aw fuck that nonsense.

yeah, now i can really dig in here.

amazingly selfish, self-centered, immature, cowardly and dramatic. you solipsistic little pussy. make least effort demand most credit type of guy. 99% of your friends are realllllllly dumb. you said something like "i became obsessed with the freak-folk movement" and i was so embarassed for you i wanted to fall through the floor. you want a medal for listening to, like, 2 rap artists (kanye and weezy, hahahaha). your music sucks and you sing like conor oberst, i encouraged and tried to help you anyway because i loved and cared about you. any time you had my back it was just to show off that you had my back, not because you gave a fuck about anything. you talked and talked and talked and talked and never listened. why listen or inquire when you (wrongly) presume to already have the other person's number on everything? you actually once argued that it is ok to yell "slut" at stranger girls in a bar if they are "dressed slutty," hahaha good luck in your women's studies classes, prick. you think it is a fresh bold and exciting stance to be skeptical of pitchforkmedia. YOU THOUGHT I WAS CHEATING ON YOU WITH YOUR GAY BEST FRIEND. "im not liberal or conservative," ugh.

above all, you called me a "cunt" in a text message?!

"im a pretty misogynistic guy, and i've NEVER done that." - a pal

sayonara, flatlander

http://randazza.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/middle-finger.jpg

ur not gonna fit all that into 1 text, just sayin

i fit it into a phone call

feelin pretty good tbh

<3 all power to your arm roxy...if there's one question tho it's how do you end up with all these jerkstores in the first place??

(LJ making a smooooth move imo)

hahaha nay it is genuine curiosity, maybe there is something about a dude soulfully gettin into his own choons which can tweak the heart of any lady

roxy, the last thing you need right now is to be alone. i'm coming over.

I never understood folks who text/email/whatever this sort of nasty bullshit after a breakup... What do they get from it, does it make them feel a better person somehow? After you broke up it's time to pick up the pieces and move on, not dwell on some pointless anger towards the other person. Sending text messages like this only proves the other person was right in breaking up with you.

i'd only send the message to an ex's new partner, tbh.

I mean, I can kinda understand it (even if I don't think it's right) if the other person would have done some fucked-up shit to cause the breakup, but clearly that's not the case here.

(x-post)