football cliches that drive you mad

"He's hit it too well" or "Couldn't have hit it any better" when there's a near miss.

yeah too well is a classic. IF IT WAS HIT TOO WELL IT'D HAVE FUCKING GONE IN.

Classic cliches: hail mary/hollywood pass.

"They are a team that plays football" to refer to teams that play one touch passing games instead of long ball. It's such fucking bullshit. Sure, Graham Taylor's Watford looked more akin to rugby but other than that, it's condescending and stupid.

xp nah, big ronnisms are totally different. lollipop, little eyebrows, etc

Also, any time a commentators share a wry chuckle about "a typical Paul Scholes tackle." We get it already.

it'll be worth it for that one occasion when someone ponders why their life is still so empty and meaningless after winning the Champions League.

I always hoped that Pat Nevin would have done that. Maybe quote a Joy Division lyric. Never got the chance though did he.

Classic cliches: hail mary/hollywood pass.

― 123456789 (jim), Wednesday, 26 August 2009 11:46 (59 seconds ago) Bookmark

QUARTERBACK PASSES.

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44488000/jpg/_44488336_ab21.jpg

yes Ronglish is genius, one of the reasons I really like Andy Gray, one of the most dedicated users of the Ronglish lexicon currently on television http://www.dangerhere.com/ronglish.htm

Classic cliches: hail mary/hollywood pass.

Oh god, "hospital pass" - hear this every match on a local station now.

I quite like "hospital ball", it's evocative.

took me years to get 'hospital pass' tbh

still not entirely sure, tbph

everyone should take time out to read dangerhere.com, although i'm not sure all the archived stuff is still there?

xp
The first time I heard it, yes, but now (for this one particular commentator anyway) it's every high ball.

Agreed with ahoyhoy - that "they play football in the right way" thing is infuriating. Especially when mixed with reference to principles ("I try to stick to my pronciples"), ugh.

i thought a hospital pass was one likely to put the recipient in danger?

Any mention of "that night in Barcelona" during Man Utd Champions League coverage.

'pronciples' is a beautiful typo

yeah i thought a hospital pass was a pass that's a little bit short in a way that puts the receiver in danger of receiving a clattering tackle.

"He won't be happy with that"
"It's nice, but I wasn't really thinking about [reaching some milestone or other] - the important thing is that we got the three points"
"We're not getting carried away, we're just taking each game as it comes, we've got an important game against Birmingham/Crewe/Blyth Spartans on Tuesday night and we're focusing on that"

The concept of "doing the opposition's team talk for them"

"marginal" for offside decisions that can, with the help of the video replays that we have and the officials don't, be easily determined to be one way or the other is always going to be my no.1 irritant over here

I mean if Steve Bruce's method for getting Blues psyched up for derbies was sellotaping Olof Mellberg quotes to the dressing room door no wonder they kept getting relegated

Yeah, blatant intelligence-insulting lying about what you can actually see happening on screen is the most annoying thing by far

"It's nice, but I wasn't really thinking about [reaching some milestone or other] - the important thing is that we got the three points"
"We're not getting carried away, we're just taking each game as it comes, we've got an important game against Birmingham/Crewe/Blyth Spartans on Tuesday night and we're focusing on that"

I hear ya but from their POV I can see why being considered dull and cliched by ppl watching at home would be preferable to being considered shortsighted and/or self-centred y'know?

Also, "they don't like it up 'em" as if it is terrible to not want to be kicked and attacked.

There was a game two seasons ago where we played Blackburn and in the motd highlights Shearer used this. Which is great and all but while he was too busy spouting this cliche, they neglected to show Gamst stepping on Hleb's neck at one point.

yeah i thought a hospital pass was a pass that's a little bit short in a way that puts the receiver in danger of receiving a clattering tackle.

This may be why I've been confused listening to radio commentary because I thought it was a lofty ball which leads to two or more heads going up, leading to a collision and onto A & E.

Computer says it could be either but earliest use seems to be a short pass in rugby. Which makes more sense. Ouch.

"Last chance saloon"

Black players are invariably described as "athletic", as though non-black footballers were somehow not athletic.

"you've got style, you've got class, but most of all you've got love technique" from Fine Time by New Order sounds like it ought to be a football cliche.

xp
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/d/d0/Foulke-sufc.jpg

"Samba skills" to refer to Brazilians. Especially funny when talking about Lucio or Gilberto etc.

Also, it seems to have gone away but the idea that African players were naive or just happy to be making a few bob and thus respectful. Eto'o, Adebayor etc. doing their best to show that Africans can be just as cuntish as Europeans or South Americans.

good point about samba. It seems to have become an adjective, synonym of Brazilian, cf Toon for anything pertaining to Newcastle

Haha yeah I doubt we'll be seeing much of that that idea for the foreseeable

xp

Never mind Gilberto - "samba skills" is used to refer to literally any Brazilian player. Case in point: Santos Gaia, jobbing, clogging non-league centre half, currently at Truro. (To be fair, he did score for Exeter against top-flight Charlton at the Valley: his samba skill in this case being a big header from a corner.)

rivelinho-esque header, by any chance?

"Get in!"

More Lescottian, to be truthful. Louis will tell you all about it, he was there you know.

"The lads've given me 110%"

"The gaffer's come in and installed a bit of confidence"

On Match of the Day, referring to a non-big-4 player as "the defender" because the pundit can't be arsed to find out what their name is.

referring to foreign or smaller players as lightweight without any reference to their actual aggression/tackling/style of play

"sometimes you've got to hold your hands up"

How teams like Villa/Everton/Spurs etc. will overtake Arsenal in the top 4 because you need an English 'spine' to be successful. Just like those really English invincibles, Cech-Carvalho-Essien-Drogba etc.

"I've seen them given"
Which is particularly annoying in that everyone has seen blatant pens not given at one time or another so therefore doesn't tell us whether the commentator thinks its a pen or not!
Cop Out!!

all the ferguson stuff becomes cliché within about 3 mins of him saying it.

"squeaky bum time"
"wouldn't sell that lot a virus"
"hairdryer treatment"

etc etc

obv yeah 110 per cent or even better 200 per cent, love this sort of word inflation.

"I've seen them given"

God, yeah, I hate that. See also "it could have gone either way" BUT IT FUCKING DIDN'T, DID IT?

When you play Bolton/Blackburn/Stoke/Wigan/any other bunch of unfashionable Northerners "you know you're in a game" because they get "in your faces" and "compete for every ball" and "get it forward quickly". This usually accompanied by the truism that Arsenal don't like it up 'em.

they'll run all day!

Yes, Tom, and that old one about Greeks bearing gifts.

World Cup revive, by the way.

They're just happy to be here

This sums it up nicely: http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2010/jun/05/world-cup-2010-cliches

The Italians 'revert to type'

Just about everybody connected with English football believes that when push comes to shove Italy always fall back on defensive-minded cynicism. The finest example of this attitude came from Barry Davies after the Azzurri's defeat by South Korea in 2002: "And you have to say they have got what they deserve, because they just will not learn." Italy have won the World Cup four times; England have won it once. This suggests that whatever the Italians have failed to learn was maybe not worth knowing in the first place.

Considered zing

I had the conversation about the Germans with a work colleague earlier on. "Like a machine" he said. I pointed out that they were great to watch, inventive and quick the other night, but he was having none of it.

Germans passing the Turing test

It's not exactly news that Barry Davies is an idiot, but nevertheless it's always worth restating.

Machines can be great to watch and quick imo, so your colleague gets a pass xps

Only a matter of time before those manufacturing segments in kid's tv shows just default to Klinnsman passing it into the far corner every time.

I had the conversation about the Germans with a work colleague earlier on. "Like a machine" he said. I pointed out that they were great to watch, inventive and quick the other night, but he was having none of it.

― Daniel Giraffe, Wednesday, 16 June 2010 11:34 (21 minutes ago)

haha

i think it was established in an earlier thread that a lot of casual or stupid viewers srsly seem to take the cliches and phoned-in punditry shite as read

or heard

xpost re:'Italians revert to type'
The thing is, that doesn't really disprove anything. The Italians have a reputation for falling back on defensive-minded cynicism because they have a track record of falling back on defensive-minded cynicism. They've won more World Cups than England, sure, but that's because they're often very effective at defensive-minded cynicism, not because they're crazy all-out-attack kings of flamboyant lunacy. England are neither of these things.

england reverted to kick'n'rush type against USA, tbh

Germany have been fun for a while!

Germany have been the most consistently entertaining international side for nigh on a decade now

xp since 06 at least? iirc they were still quite dreadful in 02 wc

I thought they were okay in 02, but yeah they've been great since they got a bit cavalier to cover up their vulnerabilities

They were okay in '02 but in '06 their battle against Italy took on almost a moral character for me, like the good vs the dark side of football.

the current Germany is definitely a beautiful machine! Actually so are all good football teams to me. I guess I just love the idea of machines.

Voller took them down a bad path but credit goes to both Jurgen and Jogi for the marked difference in the last 4 years

"just banter"