football cliches that drive you mad

"that was liquid football"

These days Shearer's implausible "at least"s are driving me most mental - 'Luca Toni should've scored at least half-a-dozen', 'Spurs should be in at least double figures'

"and he's unlucky" as unchallenged striker blazes over from four yards. NB applies only to British and/or popular players, unheralded foreigners like that new Blackburn guy get slated for same

"asking questions"

"face", as in "Aldershot face Chesterfield in a mid-table clash" - use other words!

"it's important we get off to a good start"

like, no shit!

We're taking it one week at a time...

It's not the result that matters at the moment, it's getting the process right...

taking it one week at a time is a cliche that's a cliche because it deals with a beautiful, universal bit of profundity. :')

While you're dead right on Shearer, he's kinda right on Toni - if that guy could take his chances as well as he could inexplicably make them open up for himself then he'd be scoring every five minutes.

"defender's just done enough to put him off there" as carragher/vidic blatantly fouls a spurs forward for the nth time in the box.

hehe yeah.

Also "..maybe takes a sliiight deflection" after heavily praising a goal that is revealed on replay to have cannoned off a defender so it hard it completely changed direction.

Or results in a corner against Liverpool.

"it's important we get off to a good start"

Also:
"it's important we keep up the momentum"
"It's importasnt we keep on scoring goals"
"It's important we keep the ball moving"

tbh, almost everything a footballer says drives me mad. Why bother with those post match interviews? They're not paid to talk.

We really don't need to know the "gaffer" gave us a "good talk" at half time.

in the spirit of that deflection one-

sticking with an incorrect offside/foul call the commentator's made, in the face of clear video evidence 5 seconds later

be fair ned, those interview cliches are probably drilled into footballers from the age of 15 onwards as part of their media schooling

''He's not that kind of player'' - after one of the worst tackles you've ever seen

"he's not that kind of player" is the most perfect example of "if you have to say it" that you're ever gonna see

be fair ned, those interview cliches are probably drilled into footballers from the age of 15 onwards as part of their media schooling

I know, and that's what irks me. Does anyone really need to hear their inane chat? Does it add one bit of understanding to the game? Can anyone not guess what the answer to the question "So, good game, must feel great to put two past their defence?"

last throw of the dice

"This could be dangerous"

"manchester united are a great footballing side" no they aren't, not since teddy sheringham left ffs

Can anyone not guess what the answer to the question "So, good game, must feel great to put two past their defence?"

it'll be worth it for that one occasion when someone ponders why their life is still so empty and meaningless after winning the Champions League.

"He's hit it too well" or "Couldn't have hit it any better" when there's a near miss.

yeah too well is a classic. IF IT WAS HIT TOO WELL IT'D HAVE FUCKING GONE IN.

Classic cliches: hail mary/hollywood pass.

"They are a team that plays football" to refer to teams that play one touch passing games instead of long ball. It's such fucking bullshit. Sure, Graham Taylor's Watford looked more akin to rugby but other than that, it's condescending and stupid.

xp nah, big ronnisms are totally different. lollipop, little eyebrows, etc

Also, any time a commentators share a wry chuckle about "a typical Paul Scholes tackle." We get it already.

it'll be worth it for that one occasion when someone ponders why their life is still so empty and meaningless after winning the Champions League.

I always hoped that Pat Nevin would have done that. Maybe quote a Joy Division lyric. Never got the chance though did he.

Classic cliches: hail mary/hollywood pass.

― 123456789 (jim), Wednesday, 26 August 2009 11:46 (59 seconds ago) Bookmark

QUARTERBACK PASSES.

http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44488000/jpg/_44488336_ab21.jpg

yes Ronglish is genius, one of the reasons I really like Andy Gray, one of the most dedicated users of the Ronglish lexicon currently on television http://www.dangerhere.com/ronglish.htm

Classic cliches: hail mary/hollywood pass.

Oh god, "hospital pass" - hear this every match on a local station now.

I quite like "hospital ball", it's evocative.

took me years to get 'hospital pass' tbh

still not entirely sure, tbph

everyone should take time out to read dangerhere.com, although i'm not sure all the archived stuff is still there?

xp
The first time I heard it, yes, but now (for this one particular commentator anyway) it's every high ball.

Agreed with ahoyhoy - that "they play football in the right way" thing is infuriating. Especially when mixed with reference to principles ("I try to stick to my pronciples"), ugh.

i thought a hospital pass was one likely to put the recipient in danger?

Any mention of "that night in Barcelona" during Man Utd Champions League coverage.

'pronciples' is a beautiful typo

yeah i thought a hospital pass was a pass that's a little bit short in a way that puts the receiver in danger of receiving a clattering tackle.

"He won't be happy with that"
"It's nice, but I wasn't really thinking about [reaching some milestone or other] - the important thing is that we got the three points"
"We're not getting carried away, we're just taking each game as it comes, we've got an important game against Birmingham/Crewe/Blyth Spartans on Tuesday night and we're focusing on that"

The concept of "doing the opposition's team talk for them"

"marginal" for offside decisions that can, with the help of the video replays that we have and the officials don't, be easily determined to be one way or the other is always going to be my no.1 irritant over here

I mean if Steve Bruce's method for getting Blues psyched up for derbies was sellotaping Olof Mellberg quotes to the dressing room door no wonder they kept getting relegated

Yeah, blatant intelligence-insulting lying about what you can actually see happening on screen is the most annoying thing by far

"It's nice, but I wasn't really thinking about [reaching some milestone or other] - the important thing is that we got the three points"
"We're not getting carried away, we're just taking each game as it comes, we've got an important game against Birmingham/Crewe/Blyth Spartans on Tuesday night and we're focusing on that"

I hear ya but from their POV I can see why being considered dull and cliched by ppl watching at home would be preferable to being considered shortsighted and/or self-centred y'know?

Also, "they don't like it up 'em" as if it is terrible to not want to be kicked and attacked.

There was a game two seasons ago where we played Blackburn and in the motd highlights Shearer used this. Which is great and all but while he was too busy spouting this cliche, they neglected to show Gamst stepping on Hleb's neck at one point.

character is important: utd - (badge + character) = ?

btw, during the man city game the last night i repeated the 'good feet for a big man' trope so often that my gf, who was trying to read in the corner, lost her temper.

Were you gazing adoringly at her feet at the time? That would explain it.

hmm maybe she's jealous of crouchy. an aspect i hadn't considered tbh.

stonewall penalty

now there's a football saying that's at least three removes away from correct usage of the original term, right?

It does make you wonder how it found its way into football vocabulary.

'He's gone over as if....falling over a low stone wall there Brian?"

On a more topical theme, when Emile Heskey is picked again, we will no doubt be reminded ad nauseam that he 'does things that most people don't notice'.

That one's just gonna get repeatedly clunked against the "I don't care what anyone says, if you're a striker you have to score goals" one until something gives.

One thing that nobody has considered is that Heskey is so good he scores goals that people don't notice.

pedrofuckingmendes.gif

Heskey workin thru a proof of the Riemann Hypothesis in his head while the neanderthals around him insist on kicking a sphere. actually that may be more of a Berbatov.

"It's their cup final" = e.g when Anderlecht, who have actually won a European competition, played Liverpool in the Champions League a few years back

Neil Warnock actually said, about Barrow. "It's their cup final"... just before Barrow were about to play Stevenage in the, errrrrr, FA Trophy Cup Final

Berbatov blatantly thinks about nothing but genocide, look at his eyes.

the way the word FOOTBALL is constantly repeated like we don't know what the moronic game is called

(US version obv)

like we don't know what the moronic game is called

I thought this was true?

yes, that occurred to me

That one's just gonna get repeatedly clunked against the "I don't care what anyone says, if you're a striker you have to score goals" one until something gives.

cliches are often cliches for a reason. I don't think it unreasonable to expect strikers to score goals though 7 goals in 11 years says a shitload of England managers disagree.

Without wishing to reopen the Heskey debate, I think in my post above I was just bemoaning the patronising nature of being told, in effect, "you, the thicko public, just don't see how great he is"

...just before Barrow were about to play Stevenage in the, errrrrr, FA Trophy Cup Final

Would that be the final of the FA Trophy Cup?

Invoking Greek mythology whenever Greece or a Greek team are playing

Yes, Tom, and that old one about Greeks bearing gifts.

World Cup revive, by the way.

They're just happy to be here

This sums it up nicely: http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2010/jun/05/world-cup-2010-cliches

The Italians 'revert to type'

Just about everybody connected with English football believes that when push comes to shove Italy always fall back on defensive-minded cynicism. The finest example of this attitude came from Barry Davies after the Azzurri's defeat by South Korea in 2002: "And you have to say they have got what they deserve, because they just will not learn." Italy have won the World Cup four times; England have won it once. This suggests that whatever the Italians have failed to learn was maybe not worth knowing in the first place.

Considered zing

I had the conversation about the Germans with a work colleague earlier on. "Like a machine" he said. I pointed out that they were great to watch, inventive and quick the other night, but he was having none of it.

Germans passing the Turing test

It's not exactly news that Barry Davies is an idiot, but nevertheless it's always worth restating.

Machines can be great to watch and quick imo, so your colleague gets a pass xps

Only a matter of time before those manufacturing segments in kid's tv shows just default to Klinnsman passing it into the far corner every time.

I had the conversation about the Germans with a work colleague earlier on. "Like a machine" he said. I pointed out that they were great to watch, inventive and quick the other night, but he was having none of it.

― Daniel Giraffe, Wednesday, 16 June 2010 11:34 (21 minutes ago)

haha

i think it was established in an earlier thread that a lot of casual or stupid viewers srsly seem to take the cliches and phoned-in punditry shite as read

or heard

xpost re:'Italians revert to type'
The thing is, that doesn't really disprove anything. The Italians have a reputation for falling back on defensive-minded cynicism because they have a track record of falling back on defensive-minded cynicism. They've won more World Cups than England, sure, but that's because they're often very effective at defensive-minded cynicism, not because they're crazy all-out-attack kings of flamboyant lunacy. England are neither of these things.

england reverted to kick'n'rush type against USA, tbh

Germany have been fun for a while!

Germany have been the most consistently entertaining international side for nigh on a decade now

xp since 06 at least? iirc they were still quite dreadful in 02 wc

I thought they were okay in 02, but yeah they've been great since they got a bit cavalier to cover up their vulnerabilities

They were okay in '02 but in '06 their battle against Italy took on almost a moral character for me, like the good vs the dark side of football.

the current Germany is definitely a beautiful machine! Actually so are all good football teams to me. I guess I just love the idea of machines.

Voller took them down a bad path but credit goes to both Jurgen and Jogi for the marked difference in the last 4 years

"just banter"