Your favourite jokes about My Bloody Valentine

Why did My Blood Valentine refuse to get married?
Because they were loveless (Loveless is an album by My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: When is the next My Bloody Valentine album due?
A: "Soon"... bloody well not!

Look, it's My Bloody Valentine!
Your Bloody Valentine?
No, My Bloody Valentine!
That's what I just said!
No, you said "Your" Bloody Valentine?
"My" Bloody Valentine?
That's right! Er, no, that's wrong. I mean, it is right but it's not what you said.
Oh, over there - it's The The!
Fuck off.

Q. Why did My Bloody Valentine's cornershop enterprise have to close down?
A. Because there Isn't Anything!

Q: What is the biggest city in the world?
A: Dublin. Because it's D{o)ublin(') all the time! (Dublin is the home city of Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine)!

Little Kevin Shields sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Little Kevin Shields spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Kevin Shields says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"

Why did My Bloody Valentine realise?
Because You Made Me Realise! (You Made Me Realise is a record by My Bloody Valentine).

Why did My Bloody Valentine's pet dog starve to death?
Because they tried to feed it with a kiss ("Feed Me With Your Kiss" is a song by My Bloody Valentine)!

Tommy: Did you hear about that guy who died listening to a song by My Bloody Valentine?
Charlie: Was it Sueisfine?
Tommy: No, he was hit by a bus

When My Bloody Valentine are on tour, how do they get from place to place?
By Glider (Glider is an EP by My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: What sort of house do My Bloody Valentine live in?
A: A Roundhouse (The Roundhouse is a venue in London which recently hosted the comeback performance of My Bloody Valentine)!

Q. What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite mode of arson?
A. (Discarded lit) Cigarette in your bed.

Q: Why did it take Kevin Shields so long to get his act together?
A: Because he was 'Off His Face!' Ha-ha! No, he wasn't, he was 'Off Your Face'! ('Off Your Face' is a song by My Bloody Valentine while simultaneously being an expression to describe someone who exhibiting the effects of having ingested mind-altering substances) (Kevin Shields is a member of 'My Bloody Valentine') (It took him a long time to get his act together)

Q: What did Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine say when he fell asleep at the mixing desk and woke up 15 years later to find his foot was still asleep?
A: "I Can See It (But I Can't Feel It)" ("I Can See It (But I Can't Feel It)" is a song by My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: What did Kevin Shields say to Bilinda Butcher when they found themselves trapped in the Nestle (formerly Rowntrees) factory in York?
A: Feed Me With Yorkies
(A Yorkie is a type of chocolate bar produced by Nestle (formerly Rowntrees) in York) (Feed Me With Yorkies is (almoste) the name of a song by My Bloody Valentine)

Q. Why isn't diving allowed at My Bloody Valentine's swimming baths?
A. It's Only Shallow (Only Shallow is a song by My Bloody Valentine)!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Irish stew
Irish stew who?
Irish stew in the name of the law!

(Irishman Kevin Shields is the main creative talent in My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: What is My Bloody Valentine's favorite temperature scale?
A: The Kelvin (Kevin) Scale (Kevin Shields)!

What do you call My Bloody Valentine?

Anything you like, they can't hear you. (they play quite loudly)

Q: What is the famous catchphrase used by Ricky Tomlinson in "The Royle Family"?
A: "Your arse" (Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine has been sitting on his arse doing nothing for almost twenty years)!

Why did Kevin Shields cross the road?

Cause there was a bus stop there, and he needed to SHIELD himself from the rain.

Little Bilinda Butcher was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Little Bilinda Butcher, who created the universe?” When Little Bilinda Butcher didn’t stir, Little Kevin Shields, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“God Almighty!” shouted Little Bilinda Butcher and the teacher said, “Very good” and Little Bilinda Butcher fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Little Bilinda Butcher, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Little Bilinda Butcher didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Little Kevin Shields came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” shouted Little Bilinda Butcher and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Little Bilinda Butcher fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Little Bilinda Butcher a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Little Kevin Shields jabbed her with the pin.

This time Little Bilinda Butcher jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”

What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite item of boxing equipment?
Kevin Gum Shields! (Gum shields)

q. what did kevin shields say to bilinda butcher after she fell into a puddle?

a. hi, muddy pal o' mine (my bloody valentine!)

Kevin: My dog's got no nose
Bilinda: so how does he smell?
Kevin: He doesn't, he feeds me with your kiss.

"Knock Knock."
"Who's there?"
"Kevin."
"Kevin Who?"
"Kevin Shields."
"Have you got a new album coming out?"
"No, I'm afraid not - I'm just so damn lazy!"
"Oh, you're the living end!"

Bilinda Butcher walked into a bar and the barman said "hey, why the long face?"
And she said "Because I am sewious Indie artiste"

Debbie: "Kevin, why did you call your dog Chinese Democracy?"
Kevin: "Because I can't keep up with him"

Q. What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite day of the year?
A. Walpurgisnacht!

Q. Why did Kevin Shields cross the road?
A. To avoid having to write or record any new material (he's famously workshy!)

Colm: "Kevin, why did you call your rabbit ABCDEFGHIJKLMOPQRSTUVWXYZ?"
Kevin: "two ears, no N" (to here knows when)

Q: What did the toy robot say to Kevin Shields when he gave him human vision?
A: You made me real eyes! ("You Made Me Realise")

Q. What did the musician say to the angry record label executive who was asking him what exactly was taking him so long?
A. Don't Ask Why! ('Don't Ask Why' is a song by My Bloody Valentine)

Bilinda: "Kevin, I haven't seen you working on any new material, in, oh, 15 years and yet you claim to have written one new song 12 years ago and to have been recording it for the last 10 years, but when do you work on it?"
Kevin: "When You Sleep"

("When You Sleep" is a song by My Bloody Valentine)!

Kevin: "Where did you get that beard Colm?"
Colm: "Off your face" (Off your face is a track by the MBV's)

Q. Why do My Bloody Valentine like to go on holiday to Israel?
A. Because they are Jew-Gazers (Shoe-Gazers)

Oh actually I could have done Jew-Gazas there, could a mod edit that last post for me please?

What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite type of cape?
My Capey Valentine (My Bloody Valentine)!

Debbie: "has it sunk in you aren;t in the band anymore?"
Dave Conway: "You made me realise" (which is a single by My Bloody Valentine)!

Why did Kevin Shields feel frustrated after stirring the plum pudding mixture?
Because he'd blown a wish!

("Blown A Wish" is a song by My Bloody Valentine.)

What's Ben Affleck's favorite My Bloody Valentine song?
"To Here Knows Ben".

What is Kevin Shield's favourite Carole King song?
"It might as well get put back till September"

(The Loveless remaster has, it is rumoured, been put back to september)

Q. What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite movie?
A. It could also be Feedback to the Future! (Sometimes My Bloody Valentine leave some feedback on the recording of their songs)

Q. What is Kevin Shields' favourite type of picture?
A. An enormous picture of Patrick Ewing!

Who are Kevin Shields's favourite band from the 60s?
The Tremoloes. (Kevin Shields uses a tremolo a lot when playing the guitar!)

Q. Why is Ghana's national football team better than My Bloody Valentine?
A. There is at least one Song in Ghana's national football team (Rigoberto Song is a footballer from Ghana)

What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite message board?
Soulstrut! (Soulstrut is known for its "graemlins", small emoticon-style images of tiny heads, and My Bloody Valentine all have heads)

Q: Why did Kevin Shields help Sonic Boom across the road?
A: Because he wanted to get to the other side
('Take Me To The Other Side' was a hit record by Sonic Boom and the Three Spacemen)

What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite snooker player?
Jimmy White (all members of My Bloody Valentine are white)!

'Bowling in tandem, the spin duo of Sonny Ramadhin and Alf Valentine wreaked havoc among English batsmen on the historic 1950 tour of England by the West Indies. Having lost the 1st Test, the Windies won the 2nd by a whopping 326 runs. In the match, Ramadhin took 11 for 152 and Valentine 7 for 127. However Ramadhin was modest in claiming that this first ever victory on English soil was down to less to his own unorthodox wrist spin and more to the slow left-arm spin of "My buddy Valentine".'

Q: Under what trademark does the drummer from My Bloody Valentine advertise his line of carrying bags for snooker equipment?

A: The Colmo Cue Sack! (Colm O'Ciosoig is the drummer in My Bloody Valentine)

Q: What did Kevin Shields say when one of his bandmates took his favourite bedtime drink?
A: Who just stole my bloody Ovaltine (My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: What is My Bloody Valentine's favourite Italian fashion brand?

A: Goodgi!

Q: what does mr. shields say when he goes to a bar in the usa?
A: i'll have a Sudsy Ballantine Ale, with a Ballantine's chaser!

Q: Who is Kevin Shields favourite former Cabinet Minister?
A: Mike Bloody Heseltine (My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: Who is Kevin Shields favourite current Cabinet Minister?
A: Jack 'Straw-berry Wine'! ('Strawberry Wine' is a record by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Gordon 'Brown A Wish'! ('Blown A Wish' is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Hilary 'To Here Knows Benn'! ('To Here Knows When' is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Peter 'To Here Knows Hain'! ('To Here Knows When' is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Hazel 'To Blears Knows When'! ('To Here Knows When' is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)
A: Geoff 'Hoon Song'! ('Moon Song' is a song by My Bloody Valentine - about the moon!)
A: None of them - they're all cunts (My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: Why did Kevin Shields' mom send him to his room all the time when he was a little kid?
A: Because he was always making too much noise!

(Kevin Shields' band, My Bloody Valentine, are a legendarily noisy rock and roll band)

Q: What is Kevin Shields' favourite David Bowie album?
A: "Black Tie, White Noise"

(Kevin Shields loves making white noise with his band My Bloody Valentine. He also likes wearing tuxedos)

Q: What did Elizabeth Bathory say when she met Kevin Shields?
A: Feed Me With Your Kids ('Feed Me With Your Kiss' is a song by My Bloody Valentine)!

Q: What do you call a dinosaur that likes My Bloody Valentine?
A: J Mascis! (Dinosaur Jr. are a shoegaze band that stole their sound from My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: How do you dance like Bilinda Butcher?
A: You 'butcher' left leg in, your left leg out, in out, in out, shake it all about! (the Hokey-Cokey was a dance craze invented by My Bloody Valentine!)

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The father says, "Sir, if you just let me tell you about our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. Go ahead."

"Ok well the show starts out with my daughter and son. You see my daughter has pretty big tits and my sons a drummer so he plays a little solo on her tits...with his dick. Then i come out with my wife and stick my dick in her ass. I hit different spots inside of her to get different sounds. We all start playing the theme song to pop-eye the sailor man . Then my sons pops one in my daughters eye. Our dog comes out and licks off the cum while he shits runny diarrhoea. My wife then rubs it on her tits where i draw the mona lisa with my cock while my daughter eats my ass and the my son fucks her in the ass. We all come one more time with the dog coming on top of all our faces whistling the I love Lucy theme song.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "My Bloody Valentine!"

Why doesn’t Kevin Shields need a driver's license?
Because there’s no road between the kitchen and bedroom!

OMFG @ this thread.

I kept laughing at this:

Q. Why isn't diving allowed at My Bloody Valentine's swimming baths?
A. It's Only Shallow (Only Shallow is a song by My Bloody Valentine)!

But the Colmo Cue Sack is my new favourite.

which arabic MBV fan is acquainted with an ex England football manager?

Tahir knows Sven (To Here Knows When is a song by My Bloody Valentine. Sven Goran Erickson was a bloke who did football or something)

Ken Livingstone: Doctor, every time I listen to My Bloody Valentine, my face grows two-feet long and I get an overwhelming urge to eat ants.
Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid you've got Tapir-Nose, Ken (To Here Knows When)!

Q: What did Belinda and Kevin drink together before having sex?
A: Strawberry wine. (Strawberry Wine is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say to Belinda when they were making out before sex?
A: "Feed me with your kiss." (Feed Me With Your Kiss is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda say when she felt Kevin's erection when they were making out?
A: "I can see it (but I can't feel it). (I Can See It (But I Can't Feel It) is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: How did Belinda describe herself right before having sex with Kevin?
A: "Emptiness inside." (Emptiness Inside is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say when he had sex with Belinda?
A: "Soft as snow (but warm inside)." (Soft As Snow (But Warm Inside) is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda say when she was talking dirty to Kevin during sex?
A: "(Please) lose yourself in me." ((Please) Lose Yourself In Me is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say when he was talking dirty to Belinda during sex?
A: "Drive it all over me." (Drive It All Over Me is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda say when she was getting tired of sex?
A: "Lose my breath." (Lose My Breath is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say when Belinda asked when he was going to climaxed during sex?
A: "Soon." (Soon is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda say to Kevin right before he climaxed during sex?
A: "Cupid come." (Cupid Come is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Kevin say to Belinda when he pulled out and climaxed during sex?
A: "Swallow." (Swallow is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What did Belinda suggest after sex with Kevin was over?
A: "Cigarette in your bed." (Cigarette In Your Bed is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What was Belinda thinking after sex with Kevin?
A: "Never say goodbye." (Never Say Goodbye is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Q: What was Kevin thinking after sex with Belinda?
A: "(You're) safe in your sleep (from this girl)." ((You're) Safe In Your Sleep (From This Girl) is a song by My Bloody Valentine!)

Knock knock
...
Knock knock
...
KNOCK KNOCK
...

(Matt #2 is still deaf from the My Bloody Valentine show last night. My Bloody Valentine are legendary for the high volume of their performances)

Q. What is Kevin Shields 3D's favourite film?

Why did Kevin Shields' hair get so messy?

He lost his Colm.

― Michael Jones, Tuesday, 24 June 2008 15:16 (6 months ago) Bookmark

unashamed giggles

ok I got to this thread's mandatory DJ Mencap "is my dog!" joke and am now suffering major lols

My Bloody Valentine
Loveless: Remastered: 2cd

£8.99free uk delivery
list price £16.99 - Your saving £8.00

Availability: pre order now

Release date: 9-3-2009

Why did Kevin Shields' hair get so messy?

He lost his Colm.

― Michael Jones, Tuesday, 24 June 2008 15:16 (6 months ago) Bookmark

unashamed giggles

― single-issue white nonhipster (country matters), 16 January 2009 15:27 (3 weeks ago) Bookmark

pronounced cullum, tho

I love these threads so much.

Q: What is My Bloody Valentines' favourite Super Nintendo game?

A: SUPER METROID! (Super Metroid is a game I associate playing while listening to Loveless. Loveless is a famous album by My Bloody Valentine. My Bloody Valentine is quite a famous band)

Q: What did Kevin Shields say when one of his bandmates took his favourite bedtime drink?
A: Who just stole my bloody Ovaltine (My Bloody Valentine)!

Those are reposts btw

Why doesn’t Kevin Shields need a driver's license?
Because there’s no road between the kitchen and bedroom!

Winner, end thread.

just not enough my bloody valentine jokes on this thread...

(My Bloody Valentine)

(Because not enough My Bloody Valentine jokes)

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/081802/my-bloody-valentine.gif

Pretty accurate picture of the inside of my head.

There's a definite geordie influence there also.

What's the new My Bloody Valentine LP?

Isn't Any Album (Isn't Anything!)

what is a ghosts favorite whatever

my boo!dy valentine

What is the cat's favorite band?

Meow Bloody Valentine

No, no, Another Way is the name of my dog!

How many My Bloody Valentine threads does it take for ilx to screw in a lightbulb?

no tampon stopping this waterfall, this is a 21yr old period

who's the coolest monster/bro?

my buddy frankenstein