dick wishes

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NB IT'S TERRIFYING

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:35 (ten years ago) link

imo this picture of a penis with phimosis is kind of dear in comparison

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:38 (ten years ago) link

I had a cousin who had surgery for phimosis when he was about 10 (though not as severe as Abbot posted, and I know because our parents used to put us in the bath together when we were young, and I remember his dick looking weird). All the other 10-yr-old boys were very, VERY concerned about it, worrying that it might happen to them, too. In retrospect, he was amazingly calm and cool at explaining it to us. Like he had rehearsed.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:45 (ten years ago) link

BTW: take Abbot's Cronenberg warning v seriously.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:46 (ten years ago) link

one of my first boyfriends had phimosis! he functioned just fine but i think it could be pretty painful for him

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:56 (ten years ago) link

bahaha kenan I bet most of you were circumsized anyway!

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:01 (ten years ago) link

Of course we were! Most all boy babies were circumcised then. His parents were trailblazers, it seems. Only with exactly the baby that least benefited.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:06 (ten years ago) link

So you were all terrified of being able to not retract you non-existent foreskins?

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:08 (ten years ago) link

No no, we wouldn't know what the word "foreskin" meant. It was just that our friend's thingie was all weird, and we didn't know if it was contagious or what.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:14 (ten years ago) link

When there's no sex education in schools whatsoever, and your parents won't tell you anything at all about the basics, or if they do (like my dad tried to when I was about 6) the discussion is so brief and cryptic as to only give the impression that this is a thing you should be extremely interested in knowing more about but with no useful information, well... all thingies are weird.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:17 (ten years ago) link

I remember my dad saying to me, "the seed enters the woman..." and imagining for a long time that he was talking about something like an acorn that had legs walking across the bed and jumping into the woman's butthole. Dads: don't try to get this out of the way when they're six.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:20 (ten years ago) link

oh man that is all kinds of hilarious

it's like i have a couple worked up vadges under my arms (HI DERE), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:21 (ten years ago) link

I don't want to do a Tuomas here, but is sex education really bad in US schools? It's patchy in the UK, dependant on when you grew up rather than which part of the country, but I remember that when I was eight our class were shown a series of films which went into conception, pregnancy, and childbirth in full detail.

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:28 (ten years ago) link

If you happen to live in a redder state, and especially if you had the misfortune to have lived eight key sex education years under Bush -- it's really shamefully bad. It's basically Jesus education.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:30 (ten years ago) link

It's nonexistent. (xp)

Hugh Manatee (WmC), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:30 (ten years ago) link

Under the Bush administration sex-ed was largely Abistinence Only curricula.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:31 (ten years ago) link

It's patchy in the UK, dependant on when you grew up rather than which part of the country, but I remember that when I was eight our class were shown a series of films which went into conception, pregnancy, and childbirth in full detail.

yeah that doesn't happen here

Basically, there's a girls-only sex-ed bit that talks about periods and how you aren't dying when you get yours that gets shown around 6th grade (age 11-12) and then in high school there's "oh look, STDs!"-style sex ed; the actual mechanics of reproduction are either taught to you by your parents or you learn it as a side-effect of taking life sciences in junior high.

nate dogg is a feeling (HI DERE), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:31 (ten years ago) link

My sex-ed class was just a bunch of anti-abortion scare slides of scrambled fetuses.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:31 (ten years ago) link

Well and when I was ten we had a very special girls-only thing where they explained vaginal discharge, menstruation, and how tampons won't make you lose your virginity.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:33 (ten years ago) link

Oh and there was this big emphasis on not calling a pad a "rag" bcz that was trashy & disrespectful (I thought she meant of pads, but later I think she meant women's reproductive systems in general).

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:34 (ten years ago) link

Yeah, because that's the big issue at hand.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:35 (ten years ago) link

It worked!

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:39 (ten years ago) link

No wait I call those little garbage things for tampons in the women's bathroom stalls "rag bags" so maybe it didn't work.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:39 (ten years ago) link

Why is it so squicky for parents to tell their kids about sex in terms that are age-appropriate but not completely baffling? Why so nervous? Why such a heavy conversation?

I made fun of Britishers and their library hard-ons, but boy howdy, we have enough sex issues to go around in this country, too. And go around they do.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:44 (ten years ago) link

mmm, OK. In the UK is is/was like this (please bear in mind I am lol old)

age 8/9: Biology and reproduction of plants, then animals, followed by human anatomy, leading up to several classes specifically about human reproduction, including the aforementioned sex ed film series. Mostly covered in science classes, but some is covered in special lessons and what are called now PSE classes (Personal & Social Eduction, the short period straight after afternoon registration).

age 10/11: Review of above material. Then small (half a dozen pupils) single sex classes (boys only classes and girls only classes) with a health visitor, who explains some of the more lurid details (erections, periods, wet dreams, body odour, body hair, etc.). Also this small class is where the girls get their "tampon talk".

age 12/13: Review of all that material again, plus more stuff about emotions, relationships, families, etc.. Some schools do the "tampon talk" again just for the girls.

age 14/15/16: reproduction is covered again in GCSE science classes.

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:46 (ten years ago) link

did not understand what this thread was about and thought it was like "dick move" but srsly wow u guys

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:48 (ten years ago) link

the actual mechanics of reproduction are either taught to you by your parents or you learn it as a side-effect of taking life sciences in junior high.

I didn't really get it in jr. high, either, but then again I didn't learn a whole lot of anything in jr. high. I was preoccupied, at least in part by trying to find my dad's Playboy stash. (Happy ending to that story: I eventually did. The girls were all very shiny.)

The actual mechanics, or at least their full implications, I learned from David Attenborough. No I'm not joking. I knew about penises and vaginas long before then, and how girls get pregnant, all that stuff. But it wasn't until Attenborough told me that ferns -- FUCKING FERNS -- make sperm, and that those sperm require liquid to travel to their destination, did it all really click. "Holy shit, this is bigger than I ever imagined."

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:20 (ten years ago) link

So do moss!

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:23 (ten years ago) link

So do just about everything.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:25 (ten years ago) link

women don't

nate dogg is a feeling (HI DERE), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:25 (ten years ago) link

Quiet, you.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:26 (ten years ago) link

Ferns and moss are the only plants with water-transmitted sperm, which is why there aren't that many species of them. They rely on external fluids, too, which is why you only find them in wet environments. Most other plants just shed sperm everywhere (lol hay fever is all the sperm in your nose) or by getting it all over some or another animal. Fungi & bacteria & prokaryotes don't have sperm either! </biology pedant>

god bless this -ation (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:44 (ten years ago) link

http://www.grainsessential.ca/english/images/grains/wheat-kernel.jpg
^^^ a similar diagram on the side of a packet of Shredded Wheat put me off eating said cereal for a while when I was a kid

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:47 (ten years ago) link

xp Oh of course! No you're totally right. I just meant the sperm part when I said that most everything does.

Then again, ferns and mosses are some of the most primitive plants, and some of the first... THINGS... to evolve sexual reproduction at all.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:50 (ten years ago) link

They're so fucking rad!

god bless this -ation (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:53 (ten years ago) link

They got the simplicity of it all exactly right.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 21:33 (ten years ago) link

I mean, time-tested and everything. Don't take my word for it.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 22:03 (ten years ago) link

how y'all dicks doin??

elmo leonard (elmo argonaut), Friday, 28 August 2009 21:21 (ten years ago) link

still granting wishes!

They're so fucking rad!

― god bless this -ation (Abbott), Monday, August 17, 2009 3:53 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

crabRCISE (gbx), Friday, 28 August 2009 21:26 (ten years ago) link

good, good.

elmo leonard (elmo argonaut), Friday, 28 August 2009 21:30 (ten years ago) link

You know one thing my dick totally loves? Huey Lewis and the News.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Saturday, 29 August 2009 00:58 (ten years ago) link

Kenan are you actually Patrick Bateman?

what happened? i am confused. (sarahel), Saturday, 29 August 2009 01:05 (ten years ago) link

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

System, Sunday, 30 August 2009 23:01 (ten years ago) link

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

System, Monday, 31 August 2009 23:01 (ten years ago) link

* i wish i did not have a dick 2
* i wish i had foreskin 1
* i wish my dick were more narrow 1
* i wish my dick were shorter 1
* i do not have a dick, but i wish i did 1

hmmmmmmm

mince lice (electricsound), Monday, 31 August 2009 23:27 (ten years ago) link

ten years pass...

Mirror mirror on the wall, will I ever again see a live human dick at all?

Life is a banquet and my invitation was lost in the mail (j.lu), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 19:37 (three months ago) link

A dick is a wish your heart makes.

Wait, that's not right...

Sammo Hazuki's Tago Mago Cantina (Old Lunch), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 19:43 (three months ago) link


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