dick wishes

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But a pussy certainly seems a lot more trouble. It has a much longer, much more complicated, and often more baffling set of instructions, that's pretty obvious.

Ha what? I've never thought of it as 'trouble.' The main disadvantages are:

– Menstruating: Assuming you live to 70-80, this lasts only half yr life anyway. I'm lucky in that it's never really a painful or burdensome thing for me, tho I know this is not a universal truth among the post-menses pre-menopausal set. Anyway, I like getting my period because it is a precious gift that means I havent been curse with:

– Pregnancy: The burden of preventing this is largely on women (IMO). By which I mean except condoms and (the permanent) vasectomy, most forms of birth control are made for/the responsibility of women. But since none of the dick wishes are 'I wish it did not impregnate anyone,' this is off topic, basically.

So the main troublesome things I can think of are reproductive, not sexytimes.

OTOH I think the main reason ladies' privates are complicated is they're not out there, generally unseen without effort on the woman's part. I always thought this was the advantage! I mean I never took eighth grade Boner Hiding Lessons but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to? That's got to be a damn pain! It's harder to be in touch w/that IF you don't have your penis, the compass, to guide you BUT I think society doesn't really encourage women to recognize when they're aroused, or share info on how to know when one is.

wangs!

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Sunday, 16 August 2009 02:00 (ten years ago) link

but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to?

Try to think of ANYTHING BUT sex. But when you're younger (i.e. eighth grade), it might not even have had anything to do with sex in the first place. Sometimes it would just go sproi-oi-oing against your wishes for no good reason, usually as the most inopportune times.

'I wish it did not impregnate anyone,'

^^^would've seriously considered voting this option.

Johnny Fever, Sunday, 16 August 2009 03:15 (ten years ago) link

This is actually harder than I thought when opening thread

― Flea Kuti (PappaWheelie V), Sunday, August 16, 2009 12:00 AM (0 seconds ago) Bookmark

Flea Kuti (PappaWheelie V), Sunday, 16 August 2009 04:01 (ten years ago) link

i voted.

ian, Sunday, 16 August 2009 05:02 (ten years ago) link

(ornaldo bloompsmy dick for presidetn)

ian, Sunday, 16 August 2009 05:02 (ten years ago) link

I am disappointed that the poll doesn't include answers for people with genetical mutations, like "I wish I only had one." for all the doubledickers out there.

StanM, Sunday, 16 August 2009 05:31 (ten years ago) link

option conspicuous by it's absence: "I wish my dick was harder"

Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus (snoball), Sunday, 16 August 2009 08:36 (ten years ago) link

Time travel dick wish: that between the ages of 13 and 25 or 6 it wouldn't have interpreted mere contact with a vagina as the signal that its work was done.

These days I'm about as happy as a guy could be however.

kingkongvsgodzilla, Sunday, 16 August 2009 13:57 (ten years ago) link

I never call it a 'dick'. I hate that word.

DavidM, Sunday, 16 August 2009 15:21 (ten years ago) link

despite my ongoing battles with hormones, i am glad that i do not have a dick. the problem isn't the pussy, it's the hormones. bleeding is no big thing compared to everything else.

so i voted "i wish i did not have a dick".

JuliaA, Sunday, 16 August 2009 16:17 (ten years ago) link

I never call it a 'dick'. I hate that word.

What do you call it then?

kingkongvsgodzilla, Sunday, 16 August 2009 21:32 (ten years ago) link

a fuck wand.

a terrible camera... with fangs and shit... (ytth), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:55 (ten years ago) link

Terminus Est

Hugh Manatee (WmC), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:57 (ten years ago) link

XD

cockles (country matters), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:57 (ten years ago) link

I'm starting to love the Huey Lewis soundtrack to this thread, courtesy of Whiney.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:58 (ten years ago) link

I Love Too Much Huey Lewis

who makes the nachos? (braveclub), Monday, 17 August 2009 01:34 (ten years ago) link

I'm thinking the connotative difference btwn "penis," "dick," and "cock" is roughly analogous to the difference btwn "breasts," "boobs," and "tits." So that "grab my boobs" sounds about as silly/un-sexy as "put you dick in me." It can be a dick when it's just this generic thing that dudes all have, but when its Wonder Twin powers are activated, it's definitely a cock.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:08 (ten years ago) link

but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to?

I think the incidence of this falls off sharply after about age 20. I mean just the random, no-reason-whatsoever stiffy. I guess it still sometimes becomes turgid at inappropriate moments, like if I fall asleep on the train or something, but there's always a reason.

When I was a kid, I used to get a church stiffy. Like, almost every Sunday, iirc. Still don't know what that was all about. Maybe one of the reasons I don't go to church anymore.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:18 (ten years ago) link

falls off sharply after about age 20

Getting a hard on because you've just sat down on a bus seat that's still warm because it's just been vacated by someone else = something that only happens to teenagers

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:25 (ten years ago) link

Speak for yourself.

Although I don't think the warmth of the seat has anything to do with it, I always thought it was sitting over the motor -> vibrations that did that.

someone who is ranked fairly highly in an army of poo (Colonel Poo), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:27 (ten years ago) link

BTW I love that my girlfriend showed up on this thread. :D

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:50 (ten years ago) link

option conspicuous by it's absence: "I wish my dick was harder"

Well, that varies, doesn't it? I am told that the really formidable 8"-and-above dicks don't get as hard or have the vertical lift, simply because the body isn't willing to spare all the blood required to fill it to capacity. I wouldn't know. It doesn't sound like extra fun for anybody, though.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 12:06 (ten years ago) link

If you think about it, a dick so big that it never gets completely hard because your body disagrees with its demands is kinda... broken.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 12:09 (ten years ago) link

Two things I have found that help ensure maximum hardness: 1) Be fully hydrated. Not having enough water in your body is what "whiskey dick" is all about. (That, and maybe you have found yourself in a weird, alcohol-dependent situation with someone you don't even want to be fucking.) Sometimes I get a bit of whiskey dick without the whiskey. Just sweating a lot and not drinking enough water will do it. I really hate summer. 2) Keep your heart and circulatory system in top shape. This is one of the many reasons I need to quit smoking. But even with the smoking, I always stay harder, last longer, and have a generally better time when I've been eating well, sleeping regularly, and exercising. It sounds obvious, but I'm always surprised.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 12:28 (ten years ago) link

kenan otm on this thread mostly, except for the church hardon bit, dunno what that's about

would have voted for 'i wish my dick were more of a shower'

thomp, Monday, 17 August 2009 12:37 (ten years ago) link

except for the church hardon bit, dunno what that's about

I was thinking about Jesus being inside me.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 12:46 (ten years ago) link

that would be great if you were still hanging out in boys locker rooms or were perhaps a talented and handsomely paid underwear model, but what would be the point otherwise? xp

a being that goes on two legs and is ungrateful (dyao), Monday, 17 August 2009 14:33 (ten years ago) link

church hardon
The Mary Whitehouse Experience - "The Library Experience" (0:50 onwards)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrlFDhVn_PY

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 15:01 (ten years ago) link

I always thought it was sitting over the motor -> vibrations that did that.

Actually I was just on a bus about ten minutes ago, and although I sat in one of the seats just behind the back wheel - theoretically the seats with the maximum vibration - absolutely nada. Except a vaguely numb sensation after about half an hour. Cue David Gilmour solo. So my informal study indicates that YMMV...
If I was a scientist I would be getting a government grant to study this phenomenon.

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 15:04 (ten years ago) link

kenan "dick-shaped" isn't very specific imo -- are we talking bulbous mushrooms or wide bloated hoagies or narrow-headed torpedoes etc

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 15:09 (ten years ago) link

Clearly I am straight. The only real reference point I have for other men's dicks is in porn. Those look mostly like mine, except FREAKIN' HUGE. I refuse to compare sizes with those guys. That would be like worrying about your height when the only other men you have ever seen were while watching pro basketball.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:39 (ten years ago) link

dicks come in a wide range of shapes, sizes, and colors, it's true

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:51 (ten years ago) link

I've seen a variety of dick shapes in porno, including some wide-wide-o thing that looked like 3 cocks in one sheath with this teeny tiny silly gumdrop for a glans. Somehow my mind thought, "Ah, that must be what Greek men('s penises) look like." I don't even remember the guy attached to the damn thing.

I think this is the classic thing where your sexual behavior (or organs) are 'normal' and everyone else is the exception (barring phimosis, Gonzo-nose cock, two-incher or something else that's a pretty clear outlier). I got this when I first watched/saw porn: "Whoa, all these ladies' pussies are TOTALLY WEIRD." weird meaning abnormal meaning not like mine.

Like even 'dick-shaped dicks,' and I think I have the same idea as Kenan on what this means, can look v different from one another: veiny or smooth, lots of pubes at the base or very few, red or purpley or pale glans, different shaft colors – and I'm just talking abt circumsized white dudes here. Let's all ponder kenan's penis.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:51 (ten years ago) link

ha elmo you did the cliff's notes of my post

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:52 (ten years ago) link

kenan's penis, I think, is the most normal thing about him.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:53 (ten years ago) link

I think the trouble comes from my penis being the only one I ponder at all. So yeah, like you said.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:56 (ten years ago) link

I assume that dicks shaped literally like a toadstool are outliers, and discount them. Likewise with many of the shapes and colors that Abbot lists. Point well taken.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 17:58 (ten years ago) link

snoball, I have no reference whatsofuckingever for that clip. Libraries? Really? Is this a British thing?

(Insert "microfiche" joke here.)

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:04 (ten years ago) link

"Ah, that must be what Greek men('s penises) look like."

Like the statue of David, you mean? That's just uncircumcised, so it wouldn't be that shape anymore at full mast. (I imagine that many uncircumcised men have gone through an early trauma when an insensitive and inexperienced partner, never having seen an uncut one before, said all too frankly, "Your dick looks weird.") Also the Greeks valued small penises, and thought that a large penis was a sign of being animalistic, primal, too close to a state of nature, what have you. So the Greek statue penis is exaggerated in its smallness.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:13 (ten years ago) link

the gonzo-nose shaped dicks abbott mentions are all kinds of scary. only seen on screen, myself, but i have true sympathy for any horribly bent pecker. they must require very specific positions in order to provide mutual pleasure.

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:17 (ten years ago) link

I'm going to resist my temptation to link to weird penis disorders.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:20 (ten years ago) link

I'll also take requests, though!

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:22 (ten years ago) link

no, post links! if any thread deserved such, it's this

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:22 (ten years ago) link

(xxxxxpost) I guess it's a particular kind of British sexual guilt/oppression/frustration. Not one that I share myself though.

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:23 (ten years ago) link

(that was an xpost to kenan, BTW)

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:23 (ten years ago) link

(I tried to come up with a "card index" gag, but failed miserably)

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:23 (ten years ago) link

that would be great if you were still hanging out in boys locker rooms or were perhaps a talented and handsomely paid underwear model, but what would be the point otherwise?

Another straight guy heard from. :)

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:23 (ten years ago) link

An image of different degrees of the unfortunate 'lol where's my urethra' condition hypospadias

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:27 (ten years ago) link

it can be very, uh, beneficial to once confidence to be seen "pushing a basket" imo

that's why jesus invented cockrings iirc

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:27 (ten years ago) link

once = one's

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Monday, 17 August 2009 18:29 (ten years ago) link

Kenan are you actually Patrick Bateman?

what happened? i am confused. (sarahel), Saturday, 29 August 2009 01:05 (ten years ago) link

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

System, Sunday, 30 August 2009 23:01 (ten years ago) link

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

System, Monday, 31 August 2009 23:01 (ten years ago) link

* i wish i did not have a dick 2
* i wish i had foreskin 1
* i wish my dick were more narrow 1
* i wish my dick were shorter 1
* i do not have a dick, but i wish i did 1

hmmmmmmm

mince lice (electricsound), Monday, 31 August 2009 23:27 (ten years ago) link

ten years pass...

Mirror mirror on the wall, will I ever again see a live human dick at all?

Life is a banquet and my invitation was lost in the mail (j.lu), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 19:37 (three months ago) link

A dick is a wish your heart makes.

Wait, that's not right...

Sammo Hazuki's Tago Mago Cantina (Old Lunch), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 19:43 (three months ago) link


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