dick wishes

let's organize a dick exchange

I think your suggestion needs some clarification Elmo.

like a swap meet, but with dicks

I have more complaints about my prostate

or maybe a swap meat amirite

While we're on the subject, might I ask what might be considered a problematic girth?

Kinda wish I hadn't, now.

depends on the orifice?

http://www.adamfoods.com/other%20product/tuna%20can.jpg

Here's a story that would be funny if it weren't so fucking awful:

My employer used to do dick enlargement surgery. Then they stopped because "it didn't work" - or rather, it "only showed improvement in cosmetic ways - in the locker room, but not in bed". So they stopped, rather than put men through pointless and painful surgery for purely cosmetic gain.

Labial surgery, clitoral de-hooding, all kinds of unnecessary and purely cosmetic surgery on the *female* anatomy, these all just go right ahead.

This thread has gone all limp now :-(

i'm sure that'll be hard on the original poster

Don't worry, just keep your head up.

Ok, the puns have to stop. Next we'll be posting pictures of suggestive vegetables.

i don't really expect ppl to openly talk about their disappointment in their dicks

Oh, just watch me.

I voted for "my dick is perfect," but NOT AT ALL because I actually believe it's perfect. It's just that none of the other options seem to apply. Not well enough, anyway, or not anymore. And there are no agnostic options.

i wish my dick were longer - Maybe? Sometimes? Not as a matter of practical function. I suppose I wish it were more of a show-er, but who gives a shit?

i wish my dick were thicker - Maybe? Sometimes? Not lately. I suppose I've had a poor fit or two, but never so much that it was a real problem. No, I'm ok.

i wish my dick were shorter - No. I do not wish this. Never even occurred to me, not in all my days of ownership of my dick.

i wish my dick were more narrow - see above

i wish i had foreskin - I have wished that before, but I can't remember why anymore. Novelty, I imagine.

i wish i did not have foreskin - (left blank for obvious reason)

i wish my dick was shaped differently - Again, never occurred to me. It's dick-shaped.

i wish my dick had a different curvature - Technically that's part of the shape, but I know what you mean. And no. It hits everything it needs to hit, with a little careful angling. Same as any dick, I assume.

my dick is perfect; it grants wishes - Like I said, I voted this. Maybe because my own wishes (I can't speak for anyone else's, as much as I'd like to) are only to have sex that directly involves my dick, reasonably frequently, with lots of intimacy and mutual satisfaction, and if possible, startling amounts of semen. The semen seems more amusing to me than anyone else. All the rest of it is the result of collaborative effort. I do not (any longer) imagine that my dick is solely responsible for much of anything. It's mostly just happy to be there.

i wish i did not have a dick - I do wonder sometimes if women are as pleased with the plumbing they ended up with as I am with mine, or if they curse it. It's a meaningless question, I guess. But a pussy certainly seems a lot more trouble. It has a much longer, much more complicated, and often more baffling set of instructions, that's pretty obvious. The only thing I really envy, I suppose, is not having to try NOT to cum. I mean, I suppose there are times when a woman would like to hold out longer, and make it all last, etc, but the female orgasm is never the cause for apology that the male orgasm so often is. That might be nice. It's still not a trade-off I would make, though.

Here's the terrible truth about my dick: it is perfectly average in every way. Size-wise, I've measured it to the micron (a good while ago, but I'm pretty sure that's one of those things that doesn't change), and in both length and circumference, it's within the most popular range on just about every chart. It has the usual angle of curvature. It's circumsized, as per usual in this country. It has no unusual features and no extraordinary behavior. I suppose there are times when I wish it were harder, or that it wasn't in such an all-fired hurry, but none of that is my dick's fault. I suppose there are also times when I'm proud of it, when it's accomplishing the job of being a dick with the admirable discipline of a goddamn Marine, but that's not really about my dick, either. It's a pretty textbook dick, as far as I can tell. Kinsey would yawn and look at his watch.

But here's the other terrible truth: even though I know that my dick is just fine, and even though I am pleased to have such a perfectly average, perfectly useful, all-purpose dick to call my own, it's far from feeling "perfect," because I always wish it were extraordinary. I don't know how, exactly, but somehow. I understand that no one but me (ok, a comfortable majority anyway) particularly wishes this. I know that it's impractical and probably juvenile to want my dick to be anything other than it is. But I'm not... QUITE... happy with it. Even while I'm totally ok with it.

So not only is my dick fairly unremarkable, so is my relationship with it. I suppose some have a stormier relationship, more of a love/hate thing maybe, but my dick and I have settled into a comfortable, pleasant-enough-for-most-purposes, usually pretty dull lifelong commitment.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_n2AS0-fCYnM/SX1JauzwMsI/AAAAAAAABGo/qXwAWC_yyPk/s320/nbc_the_more_you_know.jpg

http://www.snarkhunting.com/images/Spotted_Dick475.jpg

clitoral de-hooding

wat

wat
http://timandjo.covblogs.com/Ethiopian%20food.JPG

But a pussy certainly seems a lot more trouble. It has a much longer, much more complicated, and often more baffling set of instructions, that's pretty obvious.

Ha what? I've never thought of it as 'trouble.' The main disadvantages are:

– Menstruating: Assuming you live to 70-80, this lasts only half yr life anyway. I'm lucky in that it's never really a painful or burdensome thing for me, tho I know this is not a universal truth among the post-menses pre-menopausal set. Anyway, I like getting my period because it is a precious gift that means I havent been curse with:

– Pregnancy: The burden of preventing this is largely on women (IMO). By which I mean except condoms and (the permanent) vasectomy, most forms of birth control are made for/the responsibility of women. But since none of the dick wishes are 'I wish it did not impregnate anyone,' this is off topic, basically.

So the main troublesome things I can think of are reproductive, not sexytimes.

OTOH I think the main reason ladies' privates are complicated is they're not out there, generally unseen without effort on the woman's part. I always thought this was the advantage! I mean I never took eighth grade Boner Hiding Lessons but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to? That's got to be a damn pain! It's harder to be in touch w/that IF you don't have your penis, the compass, to guide you BUT I think society doesn't really encourage women to recognize when they're aroused, or share info on how to know when one is.

wangs!

but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to?

Try to think of ANYTHING BUT sex. But when you're younger (i.e. eighth grade), it might not even have had anything to do with sex in the first place. Sometimes it would just go sproi-oi-oing against your wishes for no good reason, usually as the most inopportune times.

'I wish it did not impregnate anyone,'

^^^would've seriously considered voting this option.

This is actually harder than I thought when opening thread

― Flea Kuti (PappaWheelie V), Sunday, August 16, 2009 12:00 AM (0 seconds ago) Bookmark

i voted.

(ornaldo bloompsmy dick for presidetn)

I am disappointed that the poll doesn't include answers for people with genetical mutations, like "I wish I only had one." for all the doubledickers out there.

option conspicuous by it's absence: "I wish my dick was harder"

Time travel dick wish: that between the ages of 13 and 25 or 6 it wouldn't have interpreted mere contact with a vagina as the signal that its work was done.

These days I'm about as happy as a guy could be however.

I never call it a 'dick'. I hate that word.

despite my ongoing battles with hormones, i am glad that i do not have a dick. the problem isn't the pussy, it's the hormones. bleeding is no big thing compared to everything else.

so i voted "i wish i did not have a dick".

I never call it a 'dick'. I hate that word.

What do you call it then?

a fuck wand.

Terminus Est

XD

I'm starting to love the Huey Lewis soundtrack to this thread, courtesy of Whiney.

I Love Too Much Huey Lewis

I'm thinking the connotative difference btwn "penis," "dick," and "cock" is roughly analogous to the difference btwn "breasts," "boobs," and "tits." So that "grab my boobs" sounds about as silly/un-sexy as "put you dick in me." It can be a dick when it's just this generic thing that dudes all have, but when its Wonder Twin powers are activated, it's definitely a cock.

but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to?

I think the incidence of this falls off sharply after about age 20. I mean just the random, no-reason-whatsoever stiffy. I guess it still sometimes becomes turgid at inappropriate moments, like if I fall asleep on the train or something, but there's always a reason.

When I was a kid, I used to get a church stiffy. Like, almost every Sunday, iirc. Still don't know what that was all about. Maybe one of the reasons I don't go to church anymore.

falls off sharply after about age 20

Getting a hard on because you've just sat down on a bus seat that's still warm because it's just been vacated by someone else = something that only happens to teenagers

Speak for yourself.

Although I don't think the warmth of the seat has anything to do with it, I always thought it was sitting over the motor -> vibrations that did that.

BTW I love that my girlfriend showed up on this thread. :D

option conspicuous by it's absence: "I wish my dick was harder"

Well, that varies, doesn't it? I am told that the really formidable 8"-and-above dicks don't get as hard or have the vertical lift, simply because the body isn't willing to spare all the blood required to fill it to capacity. I wouldn't know. It doesn't sound like extra fun for anybody, though.

If you think about it, a dick so big that it never gets completely hard because your body disagrees with its demands is kinda... broken.

Two things I have found that help ensure maximum hardness: 1) Be fully hydrated. Not having enough water in your body is what "whiskey dick" is all about. (That, and maybe you have found yourself in a weird, alcohol-dependent situation with someone you don't even want to be fucking.) Sometimes I get a bit of whiskey dick without the whiskey. Just sweating a lot and not drinking enough water will do it. I really hate summer. 2) Keep your heart and circulatory system in top shape. This is one of the many reasons I need to quit smoking. But even with the smoking, I always stay harder, last longer, and have a generally better time when I've been eating well, sleeping regularly, and exercising. It sounds obvious, but I'm always surprised.

kenan otm on this thread mostly, except for the church hardon bit, dunno what that's about

would have voted for 'i wish my dick were more of a shower'

except for the church hardon bit, dunno what that's about

I was thinking about Jesus being inside me.

that would be great if you were still hanging out in boys locker rooms or were perhaps a talented and handsomely paid underwear model, but what would be the point otherwise? xp

church hardon
The Mary Whitehouse Experience - "The Library Experience" (0:50 onwards)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrlFDhVn_PY

I always thought it was sitting over the motor -> vibrations that did that.

Actually I was just on a bus about ten minutes ago, and although I sat in one of the seats just behind the back wheel - theoretically the seats with the maximum vibration - absolutely nada. Except a vaguely numb sensation after about half an hour. Cue David Gilmour solo. So my informal study indicates that YMMV...
If I was a scientist I would be getting a government grant to study this phenomenon.

kenan "dick-shaped" isn't very specific imo -- are we talking bulbous mushrooms or wide bloated hoagies or narrow-headed torpedoes etc

Clearly I am straight. The only real reference point I have for other men's dicks is in porn. Those look mostly like mine, except FREAKIN' HUGE. I refuse to compare sizes with those guys. That would be like worrying about your height when the only other men you have ever seen were while watching pro basketball.

dicks come in a wide range of shapes, sizes, and colors, it's true

I've seen a variety of dick shapes in porno, including some wide-wide-o thing that looked like 3 cocks in one sheath with this teeny tiny silly gumdrop for a glans. Somehow my mind thought, "Ah, that must be what Greek men('s penises) look like." I don't even remember the guy attached to the damn thing.

I think this is the classic thing where your sexual behavior (or organs) are 'normal' and everyone else is the exception (barring phimosis, Gonzo-nose cock, two-incher or something else that's a pretty clear outlier). I got this when I first watched/saw porn: "Whoa, all these ladies' pussies are TOTALLY WEIRD." weird meaning abnormal meaning not like mine.

Like even 'dick-shaped dicks,' and I think I have the same idea as Kenan on what this means, can look v different from one another: veiny or smooth, lots of pubes at the base or very few, red or purpley or pale glans, different shaft colors – and I'm just talking abt circumsized white dudes here. Let's all ponder kenan's penis.

did not understand what this thread was about and thought it was like "dick move" but srsly wow u guys

the actual mechanics of reproduction are either taught to you by your parents or you learn it as a side-effect of taking life sciences in junior high.

I didn't really get it in jr. high, either, but then again I didn't learn a whole lot of anything in jr. high. I was preoccupied, at least in part by trying to find my dad's Playboy stash. (Happy ending to that story: I eventually did. The girls were all very shiny.)

The actual mechanics, or at least their full implications, I learned from David Attenborough. No I'm not joking. I knew about penises and vaginas long before then, and how girls get pregnant, all that stuff. But it wasn't until Attenborough told me that ferns -- FUCKING FERNS -- make sperm, and that those sperm require liquid to travel to their destination, did it all really click. "Holy shit, this is bigger than I ever imagined."

So do moss!

So do just about everything.

women don't

Quiet, you.

Ferns and moss are the only plants with water-transmitted sperm, which is why there aren't that many species of them. They rely on external fluids, too, which is why you only find them in wet environments. Most other plants just shed sperm everywhere (lol hay fever is all the sperm in your nose) or by getting it all over some or another animal. Fungi & bacteria & prokaryotes don't have sperm either! </biology pedant>

http://www.grainsessential.ca/english/images/grains/wheat-kernel.jpg
^^^ a similar diagram on the side of a packet of Shredded Wheat put me off eating said cereal for a while when I was a kid

xp Oh of course! No you're totally right. I just meant the sperm part when I said that most everything does.

Then again, ferns and mosses are some of the most primitive plants, and some of the first... THINGS... to evolve sexual reproduction at all.

They're so fucking rad!

They got the simplicity of it all exactly right.

I mean, time-tested and everything. Don't take my word for it.

how y'all dicks doin??

still granting wishes!

They're so fucking rad!

― god bless this -ation (Abbott), Monday, August 17, 2009 3:53 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

good, good.

You know one thing my dick totally loves? Huey Lewis and the News.

Kenan are you actually Patrick Bateman?

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

* i wish i did not have a dick 2
* i wish i had foreskin 1
* i wish my dick were more narrow 1
* i wish my dick were shorter 1
* i do not have a dick, but i wish i did 1

hmmmmmmm

Mirror mirror on the wall, will I ever again see a live human dick at all?

A dick is a wish your heart makes.

Wait, that's not right...