dick wishes

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whiney do you wish you had huey lewis' dick

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Friday, 14 August 2009 23:20 (ten years ago) link

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohjxot5i-jc

thomp, Friday, 14 August 2009 23:21 (ten years ago) link

oops

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohjxot5i-jc

thomp, Friday, 14 August 2009 23:21 (ten years ago) link

http://monk.stencils.ch/uploaded_images/duck_you_too_001.jpg

thomp, Friday, 14 August 2009 23:24 (ten years ago) link

could the thread title be modified, to "dick wishes (warning: contains Huey Lewis)?

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Saturday, 15 August 2009 00:18 (ten years ago) link

I like these options but I can't vote.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Saturday, 15 August 2009 01:01 (ten years ago) link

i wish my dick were more narrow

Surely unless someone was had a ridiculously wide deformed penis there isn't actually anyone out there who would wish this, right??

\(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Saturday, 15 August 2009 01:30 (ten years ago) link

it might make buttsecks more difficult?

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:05 (ten years ago) link

elmo's always one step ahead

Whiney G. Weingarten, Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:07 (ten years ago) link

Yeah that did occur to me after I posted.

\(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:08 (ten years ago) link

let's organize a dick exchange

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:10 (ten years ago) link

I think your suggestion needs some clarification Elmo.

\(^o\) (/o^)/ (ENBB), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:43 (ten years ago) link

like a swap meet, but with dicks

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:48 (ten years ago) link

I have more complaints about my prostate

(ƨnɘhqɘϯƧ ƨ1ϯɿuƆ) | HI!!!!! | (Curt1s Stephens), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:49 (ten years ago) link

or maybe a swap meat amirite

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:49 (ten years ago) link

While we're on the subject, might I ask what might be considered a problematic girth?

N1ck (Upt0eleven), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:49 (ten years ago) link

Kinda wish I hadn't, now.

N1ck (Upt0eleven), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:51 (ten years ago) link

depends on the orifice?

there is no there there (elmo argonaut), Saturday, 15 August 2009 02:52 (ten years ago) link

Here's a story that would be funny if it weren't so fucking awful:

My employer used to do dick enlargement surgery. Then they stopped because "it didn't work" - or rather, it "only showed improvement in cosmetic ways - in the locker room, but not in bed". So they stopped, rather than put men through pointless and painful surgery for purely cosmetic gain.

Labial surgery, clitoral de-hooding, all kinds of unnecessary and purely cosmetic surgery on the *female* anatomy, these all just go right ahead.

hüzün (Masonic Boom), Saturday, 15 August 2009 07:12 (ten years ago) link

This thread has gone all limp now :-(

StanM, Saturday, 15 August 2009 10:34 (ten years ago) link

i'm sure that'll be hard on the original poster

thomp, Saturday, 15 August 2009 11:00 (ten years ago) link

Don't worry, just keep your head up.

StanM, Saturday, 15 August 2009 11:06 (ten years ago) link

Ok, the puns have to stop. Next we'll be posting pictures of suggestive vegetables.

i don't really expect ppl to openly talk about their disappointment in their dicks

Oh, just watch me.

I voted for "my dick is perfect," but NOT AT ALL because I actually believe it's perfect. It's just that none of the other options seem to apply. Not well enough, anyway, or not anymore. And there are no agnostic options.

i wish my dick were longer - Maybe? Sometimes? Not as a matter of practical function. I suppose I wish it were more of a show-er, but who gives a shit?

i wish my dick were thicker - Maybe? Sometimes? Not lately. I suppose I've had a poor fit or two, but never so much that it was a real problem. No, I'm ok.

i wish my dick were shorter - No. I do not wish this. Never even occurred to me, not in all my days of ownership of my dick.

i wish my dick were more narrow - see above

i wish i had foreskin - I have wished that before, but I can't remember why anymore. Novelty, I imagine.

i wish i did not have foreskin - (left blank for obvious reason)

i wish my dick was shaped differently - Again, never occurred to me. It's dick-shaped.

i wish my dick had a different curvature - Technically that's part of the shape, but I know what you mean. And no. It hits everything it needs to hit, with a little careful angling. Same as any dick, I assume.

my dick is perfect; it grants wishes - Like I said, I voted this. Maybe because my own wishes (I can't speak for anyone else's, as much as I'd like to) are only to have sex that directly involves my dick, reasonably frequently, with lots of intimacy and mutual satisfaction, and if possible, startling amounts of semen. The semen seems more amusing to me than anyone else. All the rest of it is the result of collaborative effort. I do not (any longer) imagine that my dick is solely responsible for much of anything. It's mostly just happy to be there.

i wish i did not have a dick - I do wonder sometimes if women are as pleased with the plumbing they ended up with as I am with mine, or if they curse it. It's a meaningless question, I guess. But a pussy certainly seems a lot more trouble. It has a much longer, much more complicated, and often more baffling set of instructions, that's pretty obvious. The only thing I really envy, I suppose, is not having to try NOT to cum. I mean, I suppose there are times when a woman would like to hold out longer, and make it all last, etc, but the female orgasm is never the cause for apology that the male orgasm so often is. That might be nice. It's still not a trade-off I would make, though.

Here's the terrible truth about my dick: it is perfectly average in every way. Size-wise, I've measured it to the micron (a good while ago, but I'm pretty sure that's one of those things that doesn't change), and in both length and circumference, it's within the most popular range on just about every chart. It has the usual angle of curvature. It's circumsized, as per usual in this country. It has no unusual features and no extraordinary behavior. I suppose there are times when I wish it were harder, or that it wasn't in such an all-fired hurry, but none of that is my dick's fault. I suppose there are also times when I'm proud of it, when it's accomplishing the job of being a dick with the admirable discipline of a goddamn Marine, but that's not really about my dick, either. It's a pretty textbook dick, as far as I can tell. Kinsey would yawn and look at his watch.

But here's the other terrible truth: even though I know that my dick is just fine, and even though I am pleased to have such a perfectly average, perfectly useful, all-purpose dick to call my own, it's far from feeling "perfect," because I always wish it were extraordinary. I don't know how, exactly, but somehow. I understand that no one but me (ok, a comfortable majority anyway) particularly wishes this. I know that it's impractical and probably juvenile to want my dick to be anything other than it is. But I'm not... QUITE... happy with it. Even while I'm totally ok with it.

So not only is my dick fairly unremarkable, so is my relationship with it. I suppose some have a stormier relationship, more of a love/hate thing maybe, but my dick and I have settled into a comfortable, pleasant-enough-for-most-purposes, usually pretty dull lifelong commitment.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_n2AS0-fCYnM/SX1JauzwMsI/AAAAAAAABGo/qXwAWC_yyPk/s320/nbc_the_more_you_know.jpg

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Saturday, 15 August 2009 19:45 (ten years ago) link

clitoral de-hooding

wat

Gnip Konop (Whiney G. Weingarten), Saturday, 15 August 2009 22:56 (ten years ago) link

wat
http://timandjo.covblogs.com/Ethiopian%20food.JPG

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Saturday, 15 August 2009 22:59 (ten years ago) link

But a pussy certainly seems a lot more trouble. It has a much longer, much more complicated, and often more baffling set of instructions, that's pretty obvious.

Ha what? I've never thought of it as 'trouble.' The main disadvantages are:

– Menstruating: Assuming you live to 70-80, this lasts only half yr life anyway. I'm lucky in that it's never really a painful or burdensome thing for me, tho I know this is not a universal truth among the post-menses pre-menopausal set. Anyway, I like getting my period because it is a precious gift that means I havent been curse with:

– Pregnancy: The burden of preventing this is largely on women (IMO). By which I mean except condoms and (the permanent) vasectomy, most forms of birth control are made for/the responsibility of women. But since none of the dick wishes are 'I wish it did not impregnate anyone,' this is off topic, basically.

So the main troublesome things I can think of are reproductive, not sexytimes.

OTOH I think the main reason ladies' privates are complicated is they're not out there, generally unseen without effort on the woman's part. I always thought this was the advantage! I mean I never took eighth grade Boner Hiding Lessons but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to? That's got to be a damn pain! It's harder to be in touch w/that IF you don't have your penis, the compass, to guide you BUT I think society doesn't really encourage women to recognize when they're aroused, or share info on how to know when one is.

wangs!

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Sunday, 16 August 2009 02:00 (ten years ago) link

but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to?

Try to think of ANYTHING BUT sex. But when you're younger (i.e. eighth grade), it might not even have had anything to do with sex in the first place. Sometimes it would just go sproi-oi-oing against your wishes for no good reason, usually as the most inopportune times.

'I wish it did not impregnate anyone,'

^^^would've seriously considered voting this option.

Johnny Fever, Sunday, 16 August 2009 03:15 (ten years ago) link

This is actually harder than I thought when opening thread

― Flea Kuti (PappaWheelie V), Sunday, August 16, 2009 12:00 AM (0 seconds ago) Bookmark

Flea Kuti (PappaWheelie V), Sunday, 16 August 2009 04:01 (ten years ago) link

i voted.

ian, Sunday, 16 August 2009 05:02 (ten years ago) link

(ornaldo bloompsmy dick for presidetn)

ian, Sunday, 16 August 2009 05:02 (ten years ago) link

I am disappointed that the poll doesn't include answers for people with genetical mutations, like "I wish I only had one." for all the doubledickers out there.

StanM, Sunday, 16 August 2009 05:31 (ten years ago) link

option conspicuous by it's absence: "I wish my dick was harder"

Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus (snoball), Sunday, 16 August 2009 08:36 (ten years ago) link

Time travel dick wish: that between the ages of 13 and 25 or 6 it wouldn't have interpreted mere contact with a vagina as the signal that its work was done.

These days I'm about as happy as a guy could be however.

kingkongvsgodzilla, Sunday, 16 August 2009 13:57 (ten years ago) link

I never call it a 'dick'. I hate that word.

DavidM, Sunday, 16 August 2009 15:21 (ten years ago) link

despite my ongoing battles with hormones, i am glad that i do not have a dick. the problem isn't the pussy, it's the hormones. bleeding is no big thing compared to everything else.

so i voted "i wish i did not have a dick".

JuliaA, Sunday, 16 August 2009 16:17 (ten years ago) link

I never call it a 'dick'. I hate that word.

What do you call it then?

kingkongvsgodzilla, Sunday, 16 August 2009 21:32 (ten years ago) link

a fuck wand.

a terrible camera... with fangs and shit... (ytth), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:55 (ten years ago) link

Terminus Est

Hugh Manatee (WmC), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:57 (ten years ago) link

XD

cockles (country matters), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:57 (ten years ago) link

I'm starting to love the Huey Lewis soundtrack to this thread, courtesy of Whiney.

free jazz and mumia (sarahel), Sunday, 16 August 2009 22:58 (ten years ago) link

I Love Too Much Huey Lewis

who makes the nachos? (braveclub), Monday, 17 August 2009 01:34 (ten years ago) link

I'm thinking the connotative difference btwn "penis," "dick," and "cock" is roughly analogous to the difference btwn "breasts," "boobs," and "tits." So that "grab my boobs" sounds about as silly/un-sexy as "put you dick in me." It can be a dick when it's just this generic thing that dudes all have, but when its Wonder Twin powers are activated, it's definitely a cock.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:08 (ten years ago) link

but what do you do when the thing goes sproi-oi-oing when you don't want it to?

I think the incidence of this falls off sharply after about age 20. I mean just the random, no-reason-whatsoever stiffy. I guess it still sometimes becomes turgid at inappropriate moments, like if I fall asleep on the train or something, but there's always a reason.

When I was a kid, I used to get a church stiffy. Like, almost every Sunday, iirc. Still don't know what that was all about. Maybe one of the reasons I don't go to church anymore.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:18 (ten years ago) link

falls off sharply after about age 20

Getting a hard on because you've just sat down on a bus seat that's still warm because it's just been vacated by someone else = something that only happens to teenagers

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:25 (ten years ago) link

Speak for yourself.

Although I don't think the warmth of the seat has anything to do with it, I always thought it was sitting over the motor -> vibrations that did that.

someone who is ranked fairly highly in an army of poo (Colonel Poo), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:27 (ten years ago) link

BTW I love that my girlfriend showed up on this thread. :D

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 11:50 (ten years ago) link

option conspicuous by it's absence: "I wish my dick was harder"

Well, that varies, doesn't it? I am told that the really formidable 8"-and-above dicks don't get as hard or have the vertical lift, simply because the body isn't willing to spare all the blood required to fill it to capacity. I wouldn't know. It doesn't sound like extra fun for anybody, though.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 12:06 (ten years ago) link

It's nonexistent. (xp)

Hugh Manatee (WmC), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:30 (ten years ago) link

Under the Bush administration sex-ed was largely Abistinence Only curricula.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:31 (ten years ago) link

It's patchy in the UK, dependant on when you grew up rather than which part of the country, but I remember that when I was eight our class were shown a series of films which went into conception, pregnancy, and childbirth in full detail.

yeah that doesn't happen here

Basically, there's a girls-only sex-ed bit that talks about periods and how you aren't dying when you get yours that gets shown around 6th grade (age 11-12) and then in high school there's "oh look, STDs!"-style sex ed; the actual mechanics of reproduction are either taught to you by your parents or you learn it as a side-effect of taking life sciences in junior high.

nate dogg is a feeling (HI DERE), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:31 (ten years ago) link

My sex-ed class was just a bunch of anti-abortion scare slides of scrambled fetuses.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:31 (ten years ago) link

Well and when I was ten we had a very special girls-only thing where they explained vaginal discharge, menstruation, and how tampons won't make you lose your virginity.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:33 (ten years ago) link

Oh and there was this big emphasis on not calling a pad a "rag" bcz that was trashy & disrespectful (I thought she meant of pads, but later I think she meant women's reproductive systems in general).

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:34 (ten years ago) link

Yeah, because that's the big issue at hand.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:35 (ten years ago) link

It worked!

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:39 (ten years ago) link

No wait I call those little garbage things for tampons in the women's bathroom stalls "rag bags" so maybe it didn't work.

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:39 (ten years ago) link

Why is it so squicky for parents to tell their kids about sex in terms that are age-appropriate but not completely baffling? Why so nervous? Why such a heavy conversation?

I made fun of Britishers and their library hard-ons, but boy howdy, we have enough sex issues to go around in this country, too. And go around they do.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:44 (ten years ago) link

mmm, OK. In the UK is is/was like this (please bear in mind I am lol old)

age 8/9: Biology and reproduction of plants, then animals, followed by human anatomy, leading up to several classes specifically about human reproduction, including the aforementioned sex ed film series. Mostly covered in science classes, but some is covered in special lessons and what are called now PSE classes (Personal & Social Eduction, the short period straight after afternoon registration).

age 10/11: Review of above material. Then small (half a dozen pupils) single sex classes (boys only classes and girls only classes) with a health visitor, who explains some of the more lurid details (erections, periods, wet dreams, body odour, body hair, etc.). Also this small class is where the girls get their "tampon talk".

age 12/13: Review of all that material again, plus more stuff about emotions, relationships, families, etc.. Some schools do the "tampon talk" again just for the girls.

age 14/15/16: reproduction is covered again in GCSE science classes.

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:46 (ten years ago) link

did not understand what this thread was about and thought it was like "dick move" but srsly wow u guys

❊❁❄❆❇❃✴❈plaxico❈✴❃❇❆❄❁❊ (I know, right?), Monday, 17 August 2009 19:48 (ten years ago) link

the actual mechanics of reproduction are either taught to you by your parents or you learn it as a side-effect of taking life sciences in junior high.

I didn't really get it in jr. high, either, but then again I didn't learn a whole lot of anything in jr. high. I was preoccupied, at least in part by trying to find my dad's Playboy stash. (Happy ending to that story: I eventually did. The girls were all very shiny.)

The actual mechanics, or at least their full implications, I learned from David Attenborough. No I'm not joking. I knew about penises and vaginas long before then, and how girls get pregnant, all that stuff. But it wasn't until Attenborough told me that ferns -- FUCKING FERNS -- make sperm, and that those sperm require liquid to travel to their destination, did it all really click. "Holy shit, this is bigger than I ever imagined."

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:20 (ten years ago) link

So do moss!

cosmic abbigong (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:23 (ten years ago) link

So do just about everything.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:25 (ten years ago) link

women don't

nate dogg is a feeling (HI DERE), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:25 (ten years ago) link

Quiet, you.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:26 (ten years ago) link

Ferns and moss are the only plants with water-transmitted sperm, which is why there aren't that many species of them. They rely on external fluids, too, which is why you only find them in wet environments. Most other plants just shed sperm everywhere (lol hay fever is all the sperm in your nose) or by getting it all over some or another animal. Fungi & bacteria & prokaryotes don't have sperm either! </biology pedant>

god bless this -ation (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:44 (ten years ago) link

http://www.grainsessential.ca/english/images/grains/wheat-kernel.jpg
^^^ a similar diagram on the side of a packet of Shredded Wheat put me off eating said cereal for a while when I was a kid

the visible spectrum is rainbows (snoball), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:47 (ten years ago) link

xp Oh of course! No you're totally right. I just meant the sperm part when I said that most everything does.

Then again, ferns and mosses are some of the most primitive plants, and some of the first... THINGS... to evolve sexual reproduction at all.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:50 (ten years ago) link

They're so fucking rad!

god bless this -ation (Abbott), Monday, 17 August 2009 20:53 (ten years ago) link

They got the simplicity of it all exactly right.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 21:33 (ten years ago) link

I mean, time-tested and everything. Don't take my word for it.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Monday, 17 August 2009 22:03 (ten years ago) link

how y'all dicks doin??

elmo leonard (elmo argonaut), Friday, 28 August 2009 21:21 (ten years ago) link

still granting wishes!

They're so fucking rad!

― god bless this -ation (Abbott), Monday, August 17, 2009 3:53 PM (1 week ago) Bookmark

crabRCISE (gbx), Friday, 28 August 2009 21:26 (ten years ago) link

good, good.

elmo leonard (elmo argonaut), Friday, 28 August 2009 21:30 (ten years ago) link

You know one thing my dick totally loves? Huey Lewis and the News.

or have I become completely absurd? (kenan), Saturday, 29 August 2009 00:58 (ten years ago) link

Kenan are you actually Patrick Bateman?

what happened? i am confused. (sarahel), Saturday, 29 August 2009 01:05 (ten years ago) link

Automatic thread bump. This poll is closing tomorrow.

System, Sunday, 30 August 2009 23:01 (ten years ago) link

Automatic thread bump. This poll's results are now in.

System, Monday, 31 August 2009 23:01 (ten years ago) link

* i wish i did not have a dick 2
* i wish i had foreskin 1
* i wish my dick were more narrow 1
* i wish my dick were shorter 1
* i do not have a dick, but i wish i did 1

hmmmmmmm

mince lice (electricsound), Monday, 31 August 2009 23:27 (ten years ago) link

ten years pass...

Mirror mirror on the wall, will I ever again see a live human dick at all?

Life is a banquet and my invitation was lost in the mail (j.lu), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 19:37 (three months ago) link

A dick is a wish your heart makes.

Wait, that's not right...

Sammo Hazuki's Tago Mago Cantina (Old Lunch), Tuesday, 18 February 2020 19:43 (three months ago) link


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