Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/FegAAOSwKI5lg6jy/s-l1600.jpg

so i guess i'm going to have to sign up for my 12th free trial of amazon prime to watch shirtless and ripped jake gyllenhaal do fightsies in "road house"

o yeah i saw that! he's big

i don’t get the JG thing— think that’s just me tho

when he had a babyface he was def my fav guy

i also realized i have a total thing for Joshua Jackson

puppy dog face and big ears, i approve

big hands and feet and eyeballs too; he's a goofball and not cool and delicious, the only celebrity I can fuck with.

dad from texas mom from ireland, gimme, sorry lupita he's mine

I had an enormous crush on Joshua Jackson when he played Pacey on Dawsons

A friend of mine kissed him onscreen in a Canadian movie when they were both teenagers

can i ask your friend to kiss me so i can have some secondhand Joshua Jackson

Haha that'd be fun. I dunno where she is now! She's an amazing violist, one of the best. Not such a great child actor, but who is?

obsessed with this JJ love. he totally turns me on.

Can't imagine what bacchanal would happen should more than three gays in this thread gather.

lol if Josh were there forget about it

Swen and I would be trying to muscle each other out to get at JJ

hahahahahahhahaha only if mad beers were involved would this be fun

Negronis for everyone!

oh i don’t need beer sweetie

hahahahha you don't NEED beer but you look good with a beer!! won't lie

my abs disagree ;-)

hence why I stick to liquor

I had an enormous crush on Joshua Jackson when he played Pacey on Dawsons

― butt dumb tight my boners got boners (the table is the table), Tuesday, March 19, 2024 4:50 PM (five hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

omg agree so hard
the only guy who could rock a tommy bahama shirt every day of the week and still be totally dreamy, like instead of awful it's endearingly awful

hawaiian shirts are like tv shorthand for "loveable sidekick" right? but also they made him talk like george clooney

the thing with a lot of these tv heartthrob guys is they look great with their mouths closed but as soon as you hear them talk thr str8 dude energy is such a turn off... but josh is actually very quick witted and charming

ugh he's almost a real one you're right

so i might need to add a semi colon to this thread - at the beginning of the thread title - that ok with everyone?

strike that it might not be necessary

he went so deep it was semi colon

oh jesus

lol

:]

err ;]

i was complaining to my lesbian friends about there being no word that's equivalent to "sapphic" (a woman who's attracted to women)

and one of them was all "Surely there is a man who was living on a Greek island who wrote lots of poetry about loving men we can use for the word"

i'm not super knowledgeable about ancient greek history but the word "alexandric" came to mind

what are y'all's thoughts

The word is Uranian, but it’s historically associated with pederasty iirc, co-opted by some English poets

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uranians

yeah, uranian is... a complicated one. the pederasty thing particularly.

---

One of my friends was moving her old stuff out of storage and she came across some quarter-century old letters from her best friend at the time. He was bi, but mostly casually hooked up with other guys... in one of his letters he complained about "faggy divas on estrogen". (He's dead now, of course.) A couple of years ago I might have been offended at being described, by extension, as a "faggy diva". These days I mostly wish I'd been faggier. Before I started estrogen, I wasn't into guys the way I am now. I crushed on guys a lot, but I never knew what to do with those crushes. There was always this implicit expectation of sex.. which for me is something... like, I remember wishing when I was younger that fellatio was acceptable as a common courtesy, something one did to be polite. Like a handshake. I wasn't ever really involved in spaces where I was able to suck off guys in that way. Plus there was the whole comphet thing. Guys were into me and I wasn't able to admit to myself or communicate to them that I kinda liked them, I thought they were cute. In my head it was "Jeez, I wish I was gay, then I'd really be into this guy." On top of that there was the whole self-esteem thing, where I couldn't imagine anybody possibly finding me attractive.

-

That's the past, though... I got enough problems dating now. It's mostly the suicide thing. Like, I feel like I'm getting to a point where I'm able to manage my chronic suicidality better than I've ever been able to. My last bout of suicidality, I was able to manage that without, like, doing serious damage to any of my relationships. That's always been a sticking point in my relationships... what happens when I get suicidal? And I've finally reached a point where that fear isn't hanging like a shadow over every relationship I have, every relationship I consider. Nah, it's more that everybody in my dating pool is suicidal.

It just makes things rough. It just seems endemic. Like, not even as a queer thing. Even straight people I know are suicidal a lot of the time. I definitely get it. Things are pretty bad right now, very nearly hopeless, and everyone I know talks about... being determined to love in spite of that. It's brave, it's defiant, and it's just... fucking hard. When everybody is like that, hookups, hookups are possible. Casual sex. That's very doable. I'm also just really not into that. Serious long-term relationships...

My girlfriend keeps telling me that she's interested in doing things with me, that she's attracted to me, that she's looking forward to the BDSM, uh, thing we have tickets for next weekend. And also she hates her body, and she hates herself, and I'm not sure how intimacy beyond cuddling is going to happen while she feels that way about herself. For me to be attracted to her doesn't do anything to change that. We're both at a point where we know that other people finding a person attractive is no substitute for that person finding themselves attractive.

It just complicates a situation that's already pretty complicated. I can't make any plans with anyone. I've got the cold that's going around or they've got the cold that's going around or they have to take care of the kids or the real estate company is fucking them around, and if it's not that, then they're having a bout of SI.

I'm honestly thinking about getting into more long-distance stuff. Like, online only. Intimacy with another person... physical acts are a very small part of that. I get a rush from talking to people with similar kinks to mine online that I don't really get from dating people in person. Maybe a couple times a year they could visit or I could visit and we could do some hot stuff for a weekend and then go back to yearning. I really like yearning. I can't imagine being in a relationship that isn't bittersweet, in some sense, if only because the way I think about myself, about my own life, is bittersweet. I've been watching this anime based on an old dating sim called "Sentimental Journey", and it's really interesting. It doesn't follow the story of the visual novel at all - the protagonist isn't in the anime. Instead, it's just twelve self-contained stories of who I assume are the girls in the dating sim, each one talking about their first love, the person they loved before the protagonist of the dating sim came into their life. Those are the kinds of romance stories I like. The ones that don't end with "happily ever after".

Maybe that's part of why I have so much trouble dating. Even when things are just beginning, I'm always anticipating the ending.

Kate, do you save these posts after cobbling them together over the course of a day, afternoon, or evening? Your pace astounds me.

these days everything i write starts out as a journal entry

i started a journal around the beginning of '19, do something long enough and it sort of becomes second nature i guess. the dialectical behavior therapy thing i just finished has helped me a lot. i got a lot of shit to work through and writing helps me do it

a lot of the stuff i write doesn't wind up getting posted... i find that when journaling about my experiences writing for an audience helps me express myself better. the best way of learning something is to try and explain it to others, that's what i've found. and if i'm doing that, i figure, you know, if something interesting comes out of that, it's only fair to share what i come up with with the audience i have in mind, even if ultimately i'm writing for myself

i know it seems like a lot, but sam pepys did, like, a million words over the course of ten years... i'm not even close to that pace, even with the stuff i don't post

a lot of it is probably also that i do spend a lot of time by myself. i'm hardly a hikikomori, but i live by myself, i work from home, i don't drive... even with a reasonably full social schedule i probably don't spend more than about 10 hours a week in the social company of other people

writing helps fill the void, as it were. helps keep me comfortable in my own head.

word

one of my friends says the word is "achillean" btw

just makes me think of that bob dylan song lol

hungry like a man in drag

you know i want your lovin'
honey, but you're so hard

but probably most people wouldn't have that reaction

oo i like 'achillean'

i finished a song!

tell us about it!

like i think it's not that bad. i'm going back to a light rock thing, which i left like in high school but am feeling much more than poppy sounds these days. i've been listening to a LOT of grunge (it's not a grunge song lol, just saying.) that's my story! what have you been listening to t3ddy

that’s cool! i love grunge.

i have been listening to Poco, Slikback, old goa trance mixes, and a lot of Karen Dalton

spring makes my listening habits deeply weird, every year

spring is a very special season. so much opportunity, it feels like. can you tell me more about karen dalton?

i feel really bad about this kink convention i'm supposed to be going to. trying to... process some complex emotions. and what's coming up for me right now is disgust

and i mean it's not the kind of disgust people usually talk about in terms of kink. i mean no i'm fine with that. more than fine, really, a lot of this stuff is stuff that i would like to do, like, a lot

nah what disgusts me is... like, people say over and over again "kink is not abuse", and after what i've seen in the last year... a lot of the people who say that, they don't actually know what abuse looks like. _i_ don't actually know what abuse looks like. like, if i want my ass beat and somebody beats my ass, _that's_ not abuse. some people think it is, and in that sense, it's important to say that it's not. if those people are disgusted with me, that's their problem

it's the same thing with me, the disgust i feel towards the way people behave in the kink scene here is my problem

i'm experimenting with using kink as a form of self-harm. a lot of people around me use sex as a form of self-harm. i don't do that personally. pre-transition i guess sex was a form of self-harm for me. everybody told me it was supposed to feel good and it did, but it also felt _very bad_ because of the dysphoria. but i felt, like, biologically compelled to do this thing that i hated and that made me feel bad. if i didn't, i kept thinking about things that disturbed me (like, femme shit, that stuff's actually normal but i didn't feel that way at the time), and i would also get irritable and angry from the testosterone. it felt like purging. like cumming felt like vomiting out of my cock. (is there a hardcore band called "cock vomit"? i guess there is now.) i guess that's how i'd describe my experience, i mean, on some level vomiting feels good, you know? but it's not _pleasant_.

anyway when i talk about kink as a form of self-harm, i mean it in the same way that people use sex as a form of self-harm. like sex isn't _bad_, clearly, just like kink isn't _bad_. i've learned that there are all kinds of ways to do self-harm that... people get concerned about you when you do certain things, but if you don't do those things... i guess people are still concerned, but they're disempowered. self-harm is basically a hostile act, when i do it at least. i feel a lot of disgust towards other people, other people whose behavior hurts me, whose behavior serves as a really significant barrier to me getting what i want, and my response to that is fuck you, i can hurt myself way worse than you can hurt me.

i've had people talk about, like, when they have the urge to self-harm snapping their wrist with a rubber band, and like it's not a question of whether one self-harms or not, it's about _how_ one self-harms, right? wrist-cutting isn't socially acceptable; snapping my wrist with a rubber band is. if i fuck up my bobos (i'm gonna leave that typo), if i honk on my bobos with a cane, that's acceptable, right? because i can just say "i like pain".

that's the complicated thing. i _do_ like pain. and sometimes that's healthy, and sometimes that's not. and it's not easy for me to tell the difference, always.

and these motherfuckers out here saying "kink is not abuse", like it's that fucking simple.

ok there's not a band called "cock vomit", but there's an act that put out a cassette called "cock vomit", and of course it's some fucking power electronics bullshit. god, i hate power electronics. edgelordy bullshit.

swen, you would love Karen Dalton. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsYHN7eCCtU

I definitely had a "power bottom" phase, lasted about a year. I don't know where it came from. I've always enjoyed bottomming but this was ridiculous. Getting fisted, getting DP'd, I was all in. I had (and still have) a ridiculous dildo collection, some real doozies. I kept my anus pliant and whistle-clean. I could take any cock, anywhere, "no loads refused", as they'd say.

It was not really an expression of self-harm, but it was a kind of a severance package for the end of an abusive relationship. I'd been being pressured for 2.5 years into "being OK" with a boyfriend who was sexually abusive. Suddenly being out of that awful relationship made me just want to get fucked into the ground. So I got fucked into the ground. And then I started dating somebody who wasn't abusive. And my life is blissful and, comparatively, boring. (That's the problem with abusive boyfriends, they're always so... interesting.)