Homemade Jokes

oh, my god

Sensational work.

The is easily Top Ten for this thread.

aww i just got it

first I hated it, now I love it

Thanks all, this is pretty much the only place for it so I'm glad it worked ...

Which dinosaur can do three trillion calculations per second?

Triteraflops

Never buy Communist books during a power cut. I went to the bookshop to buy Mao's Little Red Book. The power went out. Came home with my purchase and opened it up.

"Chunyang, 23, telephone Beijing 283901"

Only gone and got his Little Black Book hadn't I???

No one could understand it when I hired Scar, nefarious and conniving villain from Disney's "The Lion King," to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

[this joke brought to you by my daughter playing Scar in local children's theater and singing his signature song around the house constantly]

i came up with _one joke_ and just the other day i found out somebody else independently came up with it

actually i just came up with a new, better punchline to a pre-existing joke

q: what's a pirate's favorite letter?
a: a letter of marque

That reminds me of a joke, I think I've heard it, or a variation of it, before . . .

Q: What's a cat's favorite letter?
A: Cats don't have favorite letters, they're fucking cats.

What do you call it when the Phish bandleader only faintly has a quality of not being submerged in condensed milk?

Trey’s trace tres leches-less-ness

Your Gods so omnipresent...

"How omnipresent is he?!?"

Your Gods so omnipresent that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house

I was about to tell Lavator's joke at my stand-up night, but then I remembered that the Disney Haters Society had block-booked tickets, so...

No one could understand it  when I built a time machine, travelled back one hundred years, kidnapped Lord Baden Powell, and brought him back to the present day to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

Lol H.P.

xp i think we have a burgeoning genre here!

For your respects neando, have another.

Have you heard how poor the Christians are?

"How poor are they?!?"

The Christians are so poor they only got one God, and they still had to split him 3 ways!

If I ever want to be a hip and happening youth leader, I'll submit that joke as my resume

who was Christian Vander's favourite grunge artist?
Curt Kobaiian

There used to be a secret penis hidden in Rembrandt's The Night Watch until he was ordered to paint over it by its central figure.
He was Banninck Cocq

My son said last night right before bed, "I'm going to be like the Republicans and GO P."

Hardly a new one I'm sure but he was happy to have come up with it

I think that’s original to your son actually