AGING PARENTS

It is our most modestly priced receptacle.

plz don't lump ilxor Jaq in with the death racketeers. some of the people drawn into that field see it as a calling and are truly wonderful. in sum, death is a land of contrasts.

Would never, Jaq is amazing!

Aww y'all are very sweet. That's a terrible spot the church has put you in Neando - I really hope the celebration of your Dad's life is memorable for good reasons.

Mom had an ER visit this weekend, though fortunately relatively minor - turned out to be a minor bout of colitis and she got sent home after an IV drip with antibiotics.

we chose a different one than the one dad usually stayed at because didn't wanna dredge up those memories.

she also has a cough that she's seemed to have for a month and a half that I'm concerned about, esp given lung cancer history (though she never had a cough when she DID have the lung cancer before it was removed). asking her to get that looked at next. hospital didn't really do anything w/ that since it wasn't her primary reason for visit.

Mom borrowed $150 from me a week and a half ago and is extremely vague about when she can pay back. I really wasn't in any place to do it. But I can survive that once.

So she hasn't paid that back and asks for $350 today and I (unintentionally) reacted exasperated "no way - I don't have that to spare right now".

Like if I do that, nobody's getting a Christmas gift this year.

Why don't I say no more often?

Half the time she goes to my brother who immediately msgs me to complain.

Or she goes and gets a predatory loan from somewhere without telling me.

20+ years of this shit, going back to age 18.

At least this time I finally reacted the right way. But she knows I can't afford to do this and saw the distraught way I looked on Friday before I broke down crying in my car and my best friend called me trying to comfort me.

Why would you ask when you know I can't and when you know it's going to get me worked up? It's the feeling of being asked to solve everyone's problems that stresses me out more than anything.

On the plus side, I think I staved off the lawsuit by settling with my bank. If you can call it that.

Like at what point do I just leave the country and go into hiding so I can start over anew under a new identity and everyone else cash my life insurance cos that's all I am apparently anyway atm, a bank

It’s ok if no one gets a Xmas gift. Felt like I needed to say that.
I feel like saying no and maintaining your boundaries is a muscle that needs to be flexed in order to grow strong enough to work.

it is for sure. I appreciate the response.

It was a wee bit easier for me to enforce my boundaries when my mother wasn't my roommate. then, I actually told them a few times I would not help but actually told them how these actions were hurting me. they would always find a solution when I said "no" (usually someone else that wouldn't tell them "no"), even filed bankruptcy twice in the shortest window of time allowable by law.

The moment I agreed to move in with the folks to help with rent and take care of dad, that hurt that dynamic a little. I'm aware that this is still an excuse and not one that absolves me, but - my ability to stay detached and not get directly involved in my mother's financial issues became a lot more difficult when they could potentially threaten her ability to pay rent. I absolutely can't afford to pay the entire rent myself - and I'm stuck in this lease until October of 2024. (after which I am 100% moving out, it's already been discussed - mom needs to find a rental assistance property as she will likely qualify)

as far as the presents thing, it might sound silly and materialistic, but...I went to Sea World with friends a few weeks ago and they were playing nothing but old school Christmas music and I just got really down and sad. it reminded me of dad, but all I could think as well is how great our family Christmases were growing up and how lousy this year's is going to be, not just because of dad, but because of how much I'm struggling just to keep the lights on.

at least being able to treat my friends and family, even if on a diminished scale...would at least help me salvage the holiday, make it feel real. I'm not a religious person or even someone who was mega into Christmas, but our family Christmases brought a lot of wonderful memories - even recently, in 2021, dad got sprung from assisted living on Christmas Eve, returned home, and promptly began actually singing (sotto voce) Beatles songs along with my brother, which he'd not done in a long time.

in any case, so my brother apparently made a secret deal with mom that he's going to give her a little bit of money each week until her job starts (and she's already passed orientation and is ready to start ASAP). I'm not contributing anything. I'm going to let my brother do this because frankly, I've done way more of the financial lifting than him, and he isn't in danger of going ass-up at the moment, from what he told me.

also Social Security is fucking Mom over their seeming confusion of how Waivers of Overpayments work - their own form says not to use it if it's for a waiver of under $1,000, and every time she calls, they refer her to use the form, even when she points out the form says not for under $1,000. One of the times when I was with her, they told her they were taking care of it, only to send a letter showing us they actually did nothing whatsoever. so now we're sending in a form and going to snarkily circle the part that says not to use for under $1,000, but if anybody knows of any way to escalate a complaint to SS sooner, please let me know.

I was worried about how Christmas would go this year. we decided to celebrate at an affordable hotel that my brother and I paid for, because Mom just thinks of Dad all the time she is home and wanted a change of scenery, and we thought this was a great idea. Although we're all grieving, Mom is (understandably) having the hardest time with it. She was married to him for 50 years, and we never had a hospital bed for him - even in his last months living at home, they slept in the same bed.

Mom and I had not been getting along as well recently, which for us is unusual - for years we had gotten along wonderfully, one or two caregiver burnout squabbles excepted. Part of it due to her putting her energy 100% into me now, and me feeling suffocated at times, whereas me not having fully processed my grief also has lead me to act out in ways unlike me. I even apologized a few weeks ago for my mood...it just comes out of nowhere.

Well, this Christmas was nothing short of wonderful. We spent a lovely time together, me, my mother, my brother, and his fiancee. My brother's fiancee was with us as Dad died and is just as much family as any one of us three, and has been a huge help to my mother (she lost her own father in a tragic accident a few years ago). Mom did have a moment that broke my heart a little - we left dinner to go back to our hotel and I asked (foolishly) "Are you having a good Christmas?", and her demeanor changed and she said "as good as ...can be expected", and started crying, so I hugged her hard for a moment and told her I loved her.

My brother...for all the complaints upthread, did one of the most thoughtful things he's ever done, and as a gift got me custom guitar picks...with pictures of me and Dad on them (as well as one of the four of us on the back).

Over the few days, I had moments where I kept thinking of Dad. I finally had a moment alone after mom went to sleep, and I pulled up dad's FB profile (which now is a Memorial page), and thumbed through pics for the first time in some time, I finally let the grief wash over me instead of hiding from it, and just cried for about a solid half hour. there's still a lot of it left in me because my brain tries to shut down these crying fits but I didn't let it this time. I'm glad I did. it helped me understand how much I'd been holding back but also means I'm not just holding onto these feelings.

we're visiting my aunt this weekend for New Year's and going to finally spread some of his ashes around on his sister's property. that'll be a nice moment. we're healing, it's happening, but we've survived the first two holidays without him closer together, which was the end goal.

That's really good to hear. Glad you all were able to be together, and that you're able to let yourself feel your grief.

My dear Dad passed away peacefully in hospital on Hogmanay. He had only been given a few days left about a week earlier.

We never told him he wasn't going to make it, so he was never frightened. I felt it was for the best. He wasn't in pain nor did he suffer.

He managed to say a few words to my mum on video call the night before and his last word was my name. I reassured him he would be home soon feeling better. He fell asleep.

He passed away 4 hours after I left (i spent the nights there as he was always afraid of sleeping alone in the living room on his hospital bed, so I always slept on the floor for most of the past 2 years.)

The nurse looking after him was there when he passed. This nurse had looked after Dad years ago and only lives 5 mins walk away from our home.

saw your post on FB - very sorry to hear about your Dad :(. I know he'd been through a lot in recent years and that you'd been taking care of him. I think your strategy was absolutely for the best, and glad to hear he wasn't in pain.

Sending love and strength to you and your family - I know it's a tough time, but hopefully you're able to cherish the fond memories together.

<3

all of that love and care you showed, it really sounds like it made a big difference in making things easier for him. my condolences to you and your family.

Daddy's birthday is in two days. we're going to have to cancel our plans to have dinner at the same restaurant we took him to two years ago, but it's ok - we can postpone and can do later, and her and I will be together on the day.

we're all getting more emotional again as the day comes. last year, he spent his birthday with us at home, and we took him to one of his fav Italian restaurants.

the other day I was trying to look up mom's medical records at AdventHealth, looking for bloodwork, and I pulled it up, but it was dad's account, registered under her name. i saw his last order releasing him to hospice, but the thing I wasn't ready for was the profile pic.

Advent started taking pics of the patients upon admission, which they never previously did, for the in-room tablet. so in the account was his frail face with the tubes under his nose.

that's not how I remember you Dad. I'll always remember your face being full of life even as shit collapsed all around you. thank you for everything. i'll always be your boy

Mom seriously fucked me over and i'm livid. I know she didn't do it on purpose but i'm still upset.

bottom line on top, I can claim her as a dependent for last year, which I only discovered last September. I told her I was going to do this 5 or 6 times. she was fine with it (especially since I loan her money on occasion, so this would put me in a better position to do so). Because I waited so long to do it, I was still going to get approximately a $550 refund this year. Mom is getting no refund, owes no taxes, and isn't even legally required to file due to low income.

however, she has been convinced all year that she has to. I've clarified her 5 to 6 times she does not have to and even showed her the IRS regulations on this. Every time, she believes me for a little while, then two weeks later convince herself she has to file again, just because she got tax forms in the mail, so we have the conversation again. I also told her point blank - if you file jointly w/ dad for last year, and you're not claiming a refund, I *can't* claim you - so don't do it as it will cost me a lot of money!

The only thing we were unclear about is that PPL fucked up her caretaker payment tax form, not properly labeling the payments as Difficulty of Care. You can recharacterize these monies on the tax form itself, but since mom wasn't required to file, I wasn't sure if she actually had to do this or not, and whether it'd impact my ability to claim her. Mom said she'd go on her Turbotax and ask them in the help chat, so I wrote out the question for her in detail.

She not only never asked it, but she also secretly filed her taxes and didn't mention it to me at all. as a result, I went to file mine, and it was rejected, telling me she was already claimed. now I go from $550 refund to owing almost $1000, unless she files an amended return, and I file mine by paper. meaning a 2+ month delay, AND the possibility I don't get the money at all, and having no idea until they decide whether I'm getting $550 or owing close to $1000.

I'm trying not to be mad because I know she didn't do it on purpose but it's the principle of not listening to me when I said not to do this thing that would harm me financially and her doing it anyway. and then acting the aggrieved one when I got upset when I found out tonight.

oh it's actually even dumber now, she is apparently getting a $5 refund (no idea how), but she deliberately left the box indicating she could be claimed as a dependent unchecked. which makes even less sense because we talked about that at length.

when I talked to her about it she immediately apologized in a way that was meant to make me feel sorry for her, how she's going through a lot, and I asked "am I not allowed to be upset?", like...why is it that anytime I'm rightfully upset about something it gets turned around on me?

going for a drive.....fuck this

Hoo boy, trying to get my parents moved about 900 miles to be close to me. It took me and my siblings a few months of effort to persuade them that they need to move now to be close to one of us, because they are developing and will continue to develop needs that will make it hard for them to stay where they are — in a semi-rural setting with all of us hours (and in my case several states) away. For assorted reasons it makes most sense for them to move to where I am rather than where my siblings are. So my 79-yr-old dad has been packing boxes maniacally for a few months now and the strain of it all is overwhelming both of them. My job is to find the moving company and set all that up; find them a rental house to move into in the short term until they can sell their current house and then buy one down here; find them a doctor and start working on getting them a Medicare plan here; and then probably make multiple trips up and back to supervise the move and drive both of their cars down here. And all of that is supposed to happen by like June.

If we all survive, they should end up in a better situation. But whooee the next few months are gonna be fun.

congrats on getting them to listen/agree to move. i failed at that w my mom because she is the most stubborn person ever born and i am but one human being she doesn't actually want to be closer to.

lol I thought my dad was the most stubborn person ever born, but I guess he's second-most.

We moved more local a few years back for my in-laws as this thing does as time does. 3 years in and we (me and my wife) are intensely frustrated. All the passive aggressive "be near" has been for nothing, her (divorced parents) dad has basically decided to be resistant to any action to help him keep living. He is a Viet Vet, now blind and continues to insist living in a tiny old house with minimal support.

We are at the point that we have done what we did and live with it. Everything could be a lot worse but we gave up a lot that worked for us to try and help with them (very much my wife's ethos than mine). It is going to keep hurting for a good few more years and that is before we have to try and sort their shit out.

"If we all survive, they should end up in a better situation. But whooee the next few months are gonna be fun."

try and take care of yourself. its a very stressful process. drink lots of water? wait, i meant whisky...

anyway, do what you can to not go bonkers with it all. one step at a time.

i'm terrible at advice.

and i am lucky enough to be blessed with a spouse who will take my father to appointments while i work. and get his banking in order. and help with the bulk of the house selling and insurance stuff. wait, what do i do again? i must do something.

has this ever happened to you guys? you try and build a business for 15 years and work a ton and cook meals for 4 people for almost 20 years and then your two kids finally go off to school and you want to relax a little and then there is a pandemic and your mom dies and your dad looks like death so he moves in with you and then your 80-something year old aunt who you never talk to and who is the most prickly pear you will ever meet decides that SHE is going to move to your town as well because she's lonely by herself - she was near my dad before he moved in with us - and gets an apartment and is coming here in april and when the inevitable happens and my dad goes - though lord knows he might outlive me - maria and i will be her only family as far as the eye can see and will no doubt have to deal with HER long into our dotage because she is way too prickly to die.

we actually think about moving and not telling anyone. my dad will just look up from his Wall Street Journal or his CJ Box book or his episode of Blue Bloods and wonder where we went to and he will have to walk to Walgreens for all his meals. he'd manage...

just a little venting...nothing to see here.

its always nice to beth parker's name at the top of this thread. she just e-mailed me last week to rant about science fiction podcasts.

Yeah - I feel that vibe Scott (that is awful and I am sorry for you). Except we just gave up a ton of shit we liked to walk into whatever that turns out to be.

I need to meditate more.

There is that running point in the US that the generation of mass growth, success, glory and everything is also happily choosing to hand its care to their kids in a wonderful "plop" basket. Cos why wouldn't you?

Tell Beth hi from us.

Scott I hope it works better than you're fearing, it sounds like you are a generous and loyal person who feels for his family, and ultimately that makes a better life than an asshole who's able to cut people off. But it comes at a cost.

I feel these posts. My siblings and I talked and none of us wanted to move, we all like where we are (and much love to Rochester, but if I wanted to live there I wouldn’t have left). Having my folks here does still restrict us, in the sense that my wife and I were tentatively talking about moving elsewhere in a few years and now obviously that is on hold. But we do love our current home and community, so staying longer is ok.

As I grapple with these move logistics part of me is like, we shoulda just let them stay where they are. But I know that’s not good either.

best wishes to yall and yr families <3

My uncle died the night before last. Throat cancer got too hard to endure and he applied for MAID and went through with it. He was 70. He didn’t tell my mom he was sick, she just got the news after he’d passed. No funeral or service or anything.

Felt a little vindictive, but he was always the odd uncle. He wasn’t close to my mom or her other brothers. I always liked him, he was the arrested development uncle, shared his comics with me when I was 8, got me interested in Talking Heads when I was 10.

My mom isn’t showing any signs of grief, she never really got on with him. She was more piqueish herself about my health over the phone. “Smoking is how you get throat cancer.” I know, mom, I know.

Still, I’m like “wow I’m halfway between age 20 and dead at age 70.” My mom and stepfather are getting pretty old. By default I assume I’m the one who will need to live with them when they need it, I’m the gay one, my brothers all have wives and families.

I’ve had a tentative plan to move out west to be closer to my brothers and my mom, the plan is now less-tentative. I think I’m gonna be a good care-child? I’d like to be. Anyway. Sad to lose an uncle. First of my mom’s generation to go.

Sorry to hear that indeed -- and I get this sense of planning and wondering, though it's at best very vague for me still. One of my mom's siblings died of a heart attack some years back, nobody was close to him -- a classic fuckup, being blunt, but I hope wherever he was at gave him some peace. The real loss was my dad's younger brother and only sibling out of nowhere in 2015; the fact that it's almost been a decade now and my dad's the only one of his core family left is very strange to think about.

I think I’m gonna be a good care-child?

This is something I've resolved too, even tho it wasn't a role I ever particularly planned on. Not that there were really any plans, which maybe would have been good if there were, but you can't force these things. Until about 6 months ago I think my dad's plan was "We stay where we are until we die." But subsequent events persuaded him otherwise, and now we have actual moving dates on the calendar. I don't have any exact expectations of what it will be like to suddenly live near my nearly-80-year-old parents after 30-plus years of NOT living near them, but I've just kind of decided I'm willing to do whatever that is.

Sorry about your uncle. My dad's brother died a few years ago, the first one of that generation for either of my parents (they both have/had two siblings). He was the youngest of my aunts/uncles but also the unhealthiest for decades (chronically overweight, smoker, addiction issues, COPD). My parents and the rest of their siblings all seem poised at the moment to make it into their 80s, but obviously anything can happen at this point. I've become accustomed to reading lots of obituaries of people famous and otherwise who died younger than my parents are already. On one hand it can seem a little crazy to be going to so much effort and expense to get my folks moved because we all know that at a likely maximum we're looking at 10 years at the outside. If they both keeled over tomorrow, I think they'd be as relieved as anything at not having to deal with continuing to get older. But as long as they're here, we'll do what we need to.

Big love to you both

Also going to see my dad next weekend, he’s been end-of-lifing for five years now, I feel oddly like this will be my last visit. Goddammit!! Navigating age is a psychological part-time job

Good luck, hope it's good time.

Dad has made it to 97, but he’s now in hospital receiving end of life care and probably won’t make it to the end of the week. When someone you love reaches such an advanced age it feels almost greedy or selfish to wish for more - but however old, it never seems enough once the end of the road is in sight.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

97 years, that is really something to celebrate <3

Wow @ 97. I'm sorry he is reaching the end, best thoughts to your family. That's sort of inconceivable to me. My mom is 77, it's hard for me to imagine another 10 years much less 20.