Homemade Jokes

lmao

Is a millinerian trying to get their hat right for the impending apocalypse?

A guy orders an Edvard Grieg recording from Discogs, but he ends up leaving negative feedback. It wasn't in Peer Gynt condition.

I've decide to open a nursery to sell plants, but I don't have enough yet, I need to do that thing to produce more of them, y'know, that thing?

Propagate?

Yes, our security's excellent!

I was in the pub and this fella I knew came in, walked over to say hello, but just stood there when there was a perfectly good chair in front of him. So I said

"As the works foreman said to the apprentice at the Factory Records pressing plant....

Don't stand on Ceremony!"

The Rubáiyát of Victor Kiam. Worst poem ever.

A sheep walks into a pub.
The landlord says, "You can't come in here, you're baa'd"

Do you guys know where focaccia bread got its name?

So one day, this kid from a little Italian village goes to school with his lunch sack.

When it's time for lunch, he opens the sack and pulls out some salami, some cheese and some olives.

The teacher looks down at him and says " Whatsamada?! You focaccia bread?!"

That reminds me of another story about that same kid. He was always getting into food-related mix-ups. One time he came home from the market with ingredients for his family's Christmas dinner. His mother says, "Are you crazy? Why'd you get 2 geese?! We can't afford this!" "I got an extra one like you asked, mama," says the kid. "You told me to get some onions, garlic, broccoli, and a spare-a goose!"

https://www.christart.com/images/clipart/1834/asparagus.png

[this is one of my most groanworthy homemade jokes]

I'll atone with another one I've been developing:

What do Chubby Checker and M. Night Shyamalan have in common?

A: They both grew up in greater Philadelphia

A sheep walks into a pub.
The landlord says, "You can't come in here, you're baa'd"

― ...eh you get the gist of it (dog latin), Thursday, October 19, 2023 8:26 AM (three hours ago) bookmarkflaglink

He should've known he was bleaty-sixed

I'll atone with another one I've been developing:

What do Chubby Checker and M. Night Shyamalan have in common?

A: They both grew up in greater Philadelphia

― Lavator Shemmelpennick, Thursday, October 19, 2023 11:49 AM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

this is incredible

very very delayed lol ... but that's fucking amazing

omg I just now got it, lol

Holy shit, same.

I am lost

Lol, same!

Actually I don’t get it.

come on baby
just do the
Greater Philadelphia

^^^ and once you've worked that out, which admittedly took me far too long, the fact that they both actually did grow up near Philly (which is probably not common knowledge?) is incredible.

The joke is that both Chubby and M. Knight like to dance the Watusi

Oh god right okay now I see. I was wracking my brain for any admittedly poor knowledge of Philadelphia. Even looked up "Philadelphia twist" which according to Urban Dictionary is a type of handjob lol

Why does Joe Rogan owe royalties to Joni Mitchell?

He praised Bari Weiss and podcasts a fucking lot

Boooooo

jk thanks for sharing :)

that is a winner

Took me a minute.

oh, my god

Sensational work.

The is easily Top Ten for this thread.

aww i just got it

first I hated it, now I love it

Thanks all, this is pretty much the only place for it so I'm glad it worked ...

Which dinosaur can do three trillion calculations per second?

Triteraflops

Never buy Communist books during a power cut. I went to the bookshop to buy Mao's Little Red Book. The power went out. Came home with my purchase and opened it up.

"Chunyang, 23, telephone Beijing 283901"

Only gone and got his Little Black Book hadn't I???

No one could understand it when I hired Scar, nefarious and conniving villain from Disney's "The Lion King," to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

[this joke brought to you by my daughter playing Scar in local children's theater and singing his signature song around the house constantly]

i came up with _one joke_ and just the other day i found out somebody else independently came up with it

actually i just came up with a new, better punchline to a pre-existing joke

q: what's a pirate's favorite letter?
a: a letter of marque

That reminds me of a joke, I think I've heard it, or a variation of it, before . . .

Q: What's a cat's favorite letter?
A: Cats don't have favorite letters, they're fucking cats.

What do you call it when the Phish bandleader only faintly has a quality of not being submerged in condensed milk?

Trey’s trace tres leches-less-ness

Your Gods so omnipresent...

"How omnipresent is he?!?"

Your Gods so omnipresent that when he sits around the house, he sits around the house

I was about to tell Lavator's joke at my stand-up night, but then I remembered that the Disney Haters Society had block-booked tickets, so...

No one could understand it  when I built a time machine, travelled back one hundred years, kidnapped Lord Baden Powell, and brought him back to the present day to fix the broken sound on my microwave. But sure enough, he didn't have to fiddle with it long at all and before I knew it he was handing me his invoice and saying, "Beep repaired!"

Lol H.P.

xp i think we have a burgeoning genre here!

For your respects neando, have another.

Have you heard how poor the Christians are?

"How poor are they?!?"

The Christians are so poor they only got one God, and they still had to split him 3 ways!

If I ever want to be a hip and happening youth leader, I'll submit that joke as my resume

who was Christian Vander's favourite grunge artist?
Curt Kobaiian

There used to be a secret penis hidden in Rembrandt's The Night Watch until he was ordered to paint over it by its central figure.
He was Banninck Cocq