(Smarmy stand-up bit):
"Folks, I'm a schmuck. I've been a schmuck my whole life. Wanna know how big a schmuck I am? Listen to 1969: Velvet Underground Live... I'm the kid in the crowd yelling back at Lou Reed – 'No, play two short sets! I gotta get home for Johnny Carson!'"
― Bittern Storm Over My Hammy (morrisp), Tuesday, 20 June 2023 02:43 (ten months ago) link
What do you call a Mike and the Mechanics tribute band made up entirely of samurai?
Silent Ronin
― linoleum gallagher (Neanderthal), Monday, 17 July 2023 04:02 (nine months ago) link
Q: Why are Depeche Mode bad at Teams meetings?A: Because they're on Mute.
― lord of the rongs (anagram), Thursday, 3 August 2023 20:02 (eight months ago) link
I've heard that on his rider Dave Gahan demands his own personal cheeses.
― fetter, Thursday, 3 August 2023 20:07 (eight months ago) link
why did Depeche Mode march into the offices of Delta Dental?
to get a Policy of Tooth
― linoleum gallagher (Neanderthal), Thursday, 3 August 2023 20:12 (eight months ago) link
what do you call a group of prosperous post-rock lawyers?
― reggie (qualmsley), Friday, 4 August 2023 02:52 (eight months ago) link
I don't know, reggie, what DO you call a group of prosperous post-rock lawyers?
― m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Friday, 4 August 2023 03:17 (eight months ago) link
McEntire, Grubbs, O’Rourke & Pajo LLP(?)
― Nonhuman biologics enthusiast (morrisp), Friday, 4 August 2023 03:33 (eight months ago) link
Do Make Say Think & Waterhouse ?
― m0stly clean (Slowsquatch), Friday, 4 August 2023 04:19 (eight months ago) link
Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk Talk
― assert (matttkkkk), Friday, 4 August 2023 07:32 (eight months ago) link
Q: Why does Dave Gahan never watch slasher flicks?A: He can't stand Gore.
― Supposed Former ILM Lurker (WeWantMiles), Friday, 4 August 2023 10:44 (eight months ago) link
― Grandall Flange (wins), Friday, 4 August 2023 10:52 (eight months ago) link
^
torteoisie
― reggie (qualmsley), Friday, 4 August 2023 12:01 (eight months ago) link
Why did Bob Marley take karate? Because he got to have hi-yah now
3
― peace, man, Thursday, 14 September 2023 23:55 (seven months ago) link
A: Because they're on Mute.
Btw, this was so great that I've thought about it from time time since it was posted...
― my brain goes aahhhh (morrisp), Thursday, 14 September 2023 23:59 (seven months ago) link
Thanks, that was one of mine, although I'd probably heard it before somewhere. And now I think it would be funnier with Zoom, not Teams.
― lord of the rongs (anagram), Friday, 15 September 2023 08:22 (seven months ago) link
Why did the chicken ignore side one of Aerosmith's Pump?
To get to "The Other Side"
(This also works with Pendulum's In Silico but I figure ilx is more likely to complete the punchline in their head if it's the BBfBs)
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Sunday, 1 October 2023 02:25 (six months ago) link
gen z mud be like that's yeet that's yeet that's yeet that's yeet
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Sunday, 7 January 2024 14:17 (three months ago) link
why did the bee gees walk out of the clive anderson interview?
he was clive talkin'!
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Tuesday, 23 January 2024 06:04 (three months ago) link
oh, my child
― never trust a big book and a simile (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 23 January 2024 06:22 (three months ago) link
what were george michael's favourite songs first released on albums from 29 september 1997?
"cowboys" and "angels"
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Thursday, 25 January 2024 18:57 (three months ago) link
A man walks the streets of a foreign country, looking for a place to eat. The owner of a restaurant sees him and calls, "hey you! come try my food!" The man shrugs and goes inside.
"Just bring me your specialty," the man says as he sits down. The owner gives a delighted look and says, "I'll bring you our TWO very best dishes."
Ten minutes later, the owner sets out two plates of food that the man can't even recognize. "This one is fried scarabs," the owner explains excitedly, "and this one is sheep testicles." The man is horrified. But the owner swells with pride in his dishes and stands there expecting the man to try them. So try them the man must. First, he picks up a scarab. It's fried, so how bad could it be? He crunches into a leg and struggles to keep it down, but ultimately swallows the horrid thing and gives a thumbs-up. The owner is very pleased and gestures to the sheep testicles. The man slowly cuts a piece, closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, then puts it in his mouth. He gags but is barely able to get it down, and afterward he turns to the owner with a put-on grin. "Both dishes are, uh, great."
"C'mon, you must have a favorite," the owner says, wagging a finger. "So which is it: the beetles or the stones?"
― Vinnie, Friday, 26 January 2024 01:59 (three months ago) link
What laidback early 70s rock albums do health food specialists unwind to?
'Holland' and 'Barrett'
― you can see me from westbury white horse, Friday, 26 January 2024 05:09 (three months ago) link
https://www.threads.net/@orangeframpton/post/C4ENBlxJMXm/
― Hippie Ernie (morrisp), Monday, 4 March 2024 00:22 (one month ago) link
lol “What is a Communique?”
― President Keyes, Monday, 4 March 2024 00:55 (one month ago) link
Yeah that guy really just had one round in the chamber, lol
― Hippie Ernie (morrisp), Monday, 4 March 2024 00:59 (one month ago) link
What is a surgical assistant's favorite punk band?
Operation I.V.
― peace, man, Thursday, 14 March 2024 11:08 (one month ago) link