AGING PARENTS

just got a nosebleed
mom can barely walk due to a strange knee malady that cropped up last week (I've begged her to use dad's cane temporarily as she's almost fallen a few times)
none of us can really be at the hospital long tomorrow due to work or appointments. I'm trying to avoid missing more work due to this as I don't want to give my company an excuse to say I'm no longer able to do the job, but also...I'm supposed to get OT this week and need it (badly).

fun times. but we'll manage.

I WOULD teach from the hospital if there was anywhere I could work quietly and weren't any doctors to disturb me. I may even try it tomorrow and just go to the business area and come back up stairs at random times

just got a nosebleed
mom can barely walk due to a strange knee malady that cropped up last week (I've begged her to use dad's cane temporarily as she's almost fallen a few times)
none of us can really be at the hospital long tomorrow due to work or appointments. I'm trying to avoid missing more work due to this as I don't want to give my company an excuse to say I'm no longer able to do the job, but also...I'm supposed to get OT this week and need it (badly).

fun times. but we'll manage.

I WOULD teach from the hospital if there was anywhere I could work quietly and weren't any doctors to disturb me. I may even try it tomorrow and just go to the business area and come back up stairs at random times

just got a nosebleed
mom can barely walk due to a strange knee malady that cropped up last week (I've begged her to use dad's cane temporarily as she's almost fallen a few times)
none of us can really be at the hospital long tomorrow due to work or appointments. I'm trying to avoid missing more work due to this as I don't want to give my company an excuse to say I'm no longer able to do the job, but also...I'm supposed to get OT this week and need it (badly).

fun times. but we'll manage.

I WOULD teach from the hospital if there was anywhere I could work quietly and weren't any doctors to disturb me. I may even try it tomorrow and just go to the business area and come back up stairs at random times

Speaking of falls, I recently came across foot specialist's advocacy of stability sneakers, said especially good with overpronation, where the foot turns inward, overdoing a natural attempt to maintain balance. Apparently they can be found in runner stores.

dad's UTI and constipation are gone. they recommended skilled nursing (the physical therapists). Aetna Medicare initially denied it because they said my dad is at his baseline and it won't help (he's not even remotely at his baseline, which is why we brought him the fuck in).

so...in an amazing coincidence, one of my good friends works in this hospital and got my dad's case. no idea she even worked here. she called and filled me in, and said they were going to do a peer to peer call to push through authorization. then today, called me angry saying the physician responsible for that call opted to miss it, disagreeing with the physical therapists and thinking there's no benefit. so she escalated.

so now I'm spending my Friday calling Aetna to file an expedited appeal while my dad sits in limbo over the weekend.

we're starting the convo about permanent long-term care for dad, though admittedly I don't think mom realizes how that would impact her financially. and also, lots of those facilities around here are shitholes. but the hospital said I'm going to kill myself physically if I keep doing total disability care for dad (I think that's dramatic - at the moment at least, the mental strain is much more than the physical, which is what they were talking about).

I'm not mad because I assume incompetence so I fully expected this fuck up today. I am however annoyed because I want to take a shower and I smell at the moment.

a) mental health affects physical health and b) this is probably something they say bcz a lot of non-patients are more prepared to take advice about their physical health

great to hear you have some kind of advocate on the inside.

Heh yes that's probably true.

Is it possible/feasible to get permanent long-term care at home?
Agree w sic re mental-physical.

long term home care is exceptionally expensive and medicare part b does not really cover much if anything in that regard in the US. Long term care is a huge horrible hole in coverage for the elderly in this country.

I know Medicare per se doesn't cover, wondering about Medicare Advantage and other supplemental plans, since he mentioned Aetna---not imagining it would cover all, but maybe a percentage. Still, even with the family covering all costs, mainly the wages of qualified caretakers (though offset by family members providing some care) seems like it would be more affordable than in a facility---?

There is such a thing as Long Term Care insurance. My wife and I took out policies when we were in our mid-to-late 50s. Sad to say, initiating such insurance when you are in rapidly failing health is not possible. Also, many companies that used to offer it no longer do because their initial actuarial projections were inaccurate and they backed off from taking any further risk.

More than likely we would do the form of LTC where he forfeits his Social Security and gets admitted to a facility.

But you always get the shit facilities then

working out of the hospital today as I didn't want to miss a visit from physical therapist. next to impossible to get anything done between mom's constant interruptions with questions, and people coming in.

Aetna Medicare are a bunch of useless dipshits, but I knew they would be. this morning I had to fax in a form 1696 for CMS.gov to act as dad's representative, and not surprisingly, after a lot of effort on my part, they claim they don't have it. which really means they probably use a shitty electronic fax service and that the faxes have to be manually indexed to individual accounts and it takes 24 hours or so (why? because my call center does that too, except THERE'S A WAY TO LOOK UP SAME DAY FAXES, if you're not lazy).

so I had to point out "this is an expedited appeal and you are going to hold this process up due to your antiquated fax technology? I sent it to the EXPEDITED APPEAL number! I even checked it three times and got a confirmation it sent."

they got my fax, and appeal is in progress, will have final decision made by Thursday.

we found out there's a way to get Long Term Care for dad without him forfeiting his social security - a program we had no idea existed that protects the spouse in those instances. however, we don't want to send him to an outright shithole, so we're looking into options. we think it might finally be time.

what I really *didn't* need this week is a new assignment at work that I got no time to prepare for. now working on certifying 4 instructors at a partner location, which I had only yesterday to prepare for, while I was also trying to navigate dad's care at the hospital AND finishing work I couldn't finish last week because they triple booked me.

I've never done certification before (and I'm fairly sure as usual, they incorrectly misremembered that I had and thought it'd be nbd), and we've never done it at this location before, so the process is very loose. The certification was going well and everybody was excited, and then with about an hour to go, everybody kind of switched off, I started getting a lot of techie questions rapid fire that I couldn't answer, and the demeanor changed. now I'm sitting here worried that I did something to put them off (it's probably NOT that but I have OCD/anxiety so) and that they're going to go running to my boss tonight about how ill-prepared I was (which tbh I wasn't really, half of this certification was them listening to training).

i get the impression they aren't huge fans of how this is structured but I didn't design the certification process and frankly think it's really stupid.

i just need a decision to be made on dad's goddamn skilled nursing care because it's stressing me out every day it's in limbo. we'll know by Thursday morning. yippee.

rooting for ya dude

same, Neando.

thanks buddies.

his appeal was approved :)

skilled nursing for a few weeks which buys us time to think about next options if he doesn't improve back to his previous baseline. I don't think the LTC option would be a quick approval so he probably will have to come home.

in the meantime, the facility is less than 10 minutes away from us, making visits a lot easier (hospital is 30 away)

great news for now.

yep yep!

Sad update: my dad passed toward the end of May. It was inevitable obviously and I felt peace knowing he was finally at peace. I have a lot of things to say about this but nothing I am willing to share on a public message board.

aw I'm very sorry to hear that, and no need to expand further beyond what you're comfortable with.

<3

thank you. the service will be later this summer, looming over my head and sucking up all the air in the room until then.

So sorry to hear that, LL. You have my deepest condolences.

My condolences, LL. It's always hard to lose those we love.

my condolences, LL.

I know Medicare per se doesn't cover, wondering about Medicare Advantage and other supplemental plans

that's what I meant by medicare part b actually

Sorry for your loss, LL.

Sad update: my dad passed toward the end of May. It was inevitable obviously and I felt peace knowing he was finally at peace. I have a lot of things to say about this but nothing I am willing to share on a public message board.

Sending heartfelt condolences, LL. May his memory always be a blessing.

Yes, totally feeling relating to your whole post, LL, my condolences as well.

thanks folks. father's day has typically been fraught for me and this one feels extra hard. I am trying to remember that i have ok days as well as bad days and to give myself the freedom to feel how i feel.

so sorry, LL, best wishes to you and yours

Hope you get to feel from peace soon.

father's day has typically been fraught for me and this one feels extra hard.

you're not alone. several of the worst days of my entire life fell on father's day. this will be my first one since my daughter died. not sure how I'll be feeling tbh.

O shit Aimless, did not know about that! So sorry.

I remember hearing you talk about your daughter Aimless, and very sorry you have to go through that this year :(

dad has pneumonia. because of course he does. and he probably had it for days and the hospital didn't notice as they were just waiting for approval to transfer him and not checking for these things.

already on antibiotics. this skilled nursing place is on it.

My mom went on a river cruise in Germany and Austria this week and didn't catch Covid, so that's good news. She'll be home tomorrow.

Sent this article about late-night TV animal guy Jack Hanna, who now has Alzheimer's, to my mom, because Hanna apparently lives in the town I moved to back in March. She replied telling me that there's a history of Alzheimer's in the family — her grandfather and her uncle both had it. But no sign of it in her, yet, so that's good.

so Aetna wants to basically release dad from the skilled nursing facility. we're appealing but we're starting the application for ICP (Institutional Care Program) to put him in a facility full-time.

it's sad but it's time. we are overmatched caring for him here, and mom and I took both emotional and physical tolls over the last three years that I don't think we're able to sustain.

the place he's at now, which we like, also has a bed available, but I don't know how long this application process will take.

I'm dealing with the usual feeling guilty for doing it as I promised dad when he went to the hospital three weeks ago he'd be back with us in no time. but then I remember the ugly moment two months ago when both mom and I, physically and emotionally at a breaking point, screamed at each other and know that this would likely happen again, esp since he's in a diminished state and has lost a lot of weight.

guilt doesn't help anybody and we have visited him every day for the last three weeks (all three of us, brother included), and we shower him with love.

Jesus, man. Hang in there. You're doing heroic work.

I understand the guilt. Your dad deserves the best, most loving care. But that can't alter the fact that you and your mom can't deliver that standard of care by yourselves without doing yourselves serious mental and physical harm. Which is not an outcome that helps any of you. Sometimes painful choices are the only ones available and you need to go with the least harmful, knowing in advance whatever you do will have painful consequences. What you're choosing for him is still a pure reflection of your love for your dad, even though it doesn't feel like it because we like to think that love isn't supposed to hurt that much.

Absolutely agree, Aimless. We just got my mother-in-law moved to a care facility. There is no way any of us can care for her, it's beyond our capabilities. To acknowledge that is not weakness, it's compassion.

lucked out, the application is pretty much identical to the one we got approved for, so I filled it out much the same way with updated details, and it is now submitted. hoping that we can keep him where he's at as they've done a wonderful job w/ him at the new place.

here's hoping it resolves rapidly and for the best

thanks!

so naturally my brother is trying to push back on this idea. It took every bit of restraint for me not to write back "So glad you are comfortable telling us how dad should be cared for when it's not you that has to fucking do it - go on and tell Mom and I what we should be doing different, then, while you live your life unimpeded!"

but I didn't, and this morning I wrote a much calmer but long message basically telling him that Mom and I have been in over our heads for a while and it's caused us physical and mental strain, and that it's far better for him to be in a place with equipment and trained professionals rather than two civilians who barely know what they're doing.

everybody has been suggesting institutional care and we've dismissed it simply because we didn't think we could afford it, and now we realize we can thanks to the Community Spouse provision of ICP.

I had this chat w/ him mostly because I don't want him getting mom mega upset today when they talk, as I'm going out of town for the day and won't be here to jump in and tell him to fuck off. she already broke down crying on Wednesday as she thinks dad doesn't know who we are anymore (I don't think that's the case, but I can understand why she thinks that - he's non-responsive lately).

mom and I agreed anyway that our bro's opinion on this gets significantly less weight than ours because he's not actively participating in the care. that was my stipulation from day 1 - he deserves to be included on what we're doing, but he doesn't get to override our decision (and technically it's mom's decision as his POA)

Kepro denied our appeal. Reconsideration request sent, which is end of the line.

which means if denied paying for room and board at this skilled nursing facility falls to us come Monday. sigh. of course this latest development happens as I get ready to see the Misfits.

i'm just gonna forget about it and enjoy myself as I've done all I can do tonight.

Should keep him LTC as “Medicaid Pending.”

That's what I was wondering because I had read that!

That's what mom and I are gonna figure out today.

Thanks Quincie