Craigslist hilarity

LOL @ "A "PHISH" MUSICAL"

Also this thread's great for screen names.

very true

GOGETTERS-REAL ESTATE ASSISTANTS NEEDED, MALES&FEMALES ENCOURAGED TOO - (WHITTIER, CA)

From the Los Angeles "Artists" section today:

Unique Oil Paintings

My name is Johnny and I am an artist that specializes in oil paintings. I have been unable to sell most of my paintings and I am now running out of room to store all of my canvases. The paintings I have to offer are on 24x36 canvases and are all very unique and provocative, pushing the limits of what is accepted in society. I am giving away 6 very different and unique works in hopes that others will see my work outside of my apartment. The works I have to offer are as follows:

1) Oil Painting of a nude retarded child being pecked in the head by an ostrich
2) Oil Painting of a nun with a strap-on, skull fucking a jack-o-lantern
3) Oil Painting of President Bush getting ass fucked by a Donkey
4) Oil Painting of a Taco with human features with a huge erection, getting a blowjob from a group of illegal immigrants
5) Oil painting of a midget getting hit in the face with a pie, standing in a sewer.
6) Oil Painting of a Chinese man with a duck in his ass, smoking an opium pipe.

All of my paintings have very deep meanings to me and are all special. If you are interested please call and let me know specifically which painting you are interested in. I will only call back if I still have the one you want. This is of course, first come first serve. 310-736-1035.
Thanks Guys!
Johnny

damn i bet all of those are gone already

Science Hipsters (LA,CA)
Date: 2009-08-18, 5:50PM PDT
Reply to: gigs-kkuuw-1330396✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

New show seeks a HOST for our upcoming Science show! We need someone with a DEGREE in science with
EDGE, a hipster, fauxhawk, mohawk, tattooed, someone with great science knowledge and degree but edgy
looking who has knowledge in: Engineering, Physics or Chemistry!

Send us your photo and information as we are casting now!

Paid if Chosen

* Location: LA,CA
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: paid if chosen

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288922120.html

You hit me with your Prius
Date: 2009-07-25, 3:23PM PDT

Me - Bicyclist, heading to jury duty on 10th Street, Friday at 8:50am.
You - Prius driver, crossing over two lanes, hitting me with your car and speeding away.

I was hoping we could catch up for a cup of coffee, so I could get your views on the environment, and strangle you.

I have bad back problems, and need someone to sit on my lap for four hours a day ,it helps me straigten my, back I know it sound weird but it helps , willing to pay ten dollars and hour for four hours , twice a week , has to be in good shape and looking for a male to do it because they are stronger to do this sort of job, if you are interested e mail , this is not bs ,you could watch tv, use computer I will even give you food, please respond , thank you

Location: lynbrook
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

oh man, i love that one about the prius.

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/1383180711.html

I bought this IKEA table and i can't assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I'll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I'm 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable.

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/1393112607.html

i think he posts on ilx

ya. you busted me.

Skilled operator seeking friend and PARTNER IN CRIME! - m4w - 23 (Around, you know.)
Date: 2009-09-26, 6:28PM PDT
Reply To This Post

Hello ladies & gents! I'm seeking a friend and partner in crime.

Here are some of my personal strengths and qualities:

• I'm good with animals, such as vicious dogs.
• Good with fabricating and using specialty mechanical things and tools.
• Great with maps and planning. Due to my part time day job, I have access to fantastic aerial imagery.
• Lockpicking. Pins, discs, wards, tubular, mushroom spools... all are piece of cake.
• Familiar with optics and high places, sometimes put the two together to determine when people aren't home.
• Physically small but rather strong. Underestimated!
• Great with weather. Willing to wait in the rainy woods for long time if necessary for whatever reason.
• Good "sense".

So as you can imagine the moonlighting is what truly pays the bills. But I have many weaknesses! The biggest one is that I have no skill with electronics. New alarms systems are for me just as bad as old ones, I understand neither. So if you're good with such we could make an excellent team! We should also get a nice police scanner thing going.

Another weakness is transportation... I don't have a car! A quick getaway isn't exactly feasible with a bicycle, so yeah if you have a car that's great. I combat these and other shortcomings with extreme care and timidity, but I feel like I'm asking for it and at the same time I think I can do better. I mean, we can do better.

Besides partner, I could use a new friend too. Hopefully in my age range. Oh, and I know it might be asking for too much but seriously: no drugs or smoking. At all. Not even a little. I should emphasize that except for the actual burglary, I never commit crime and we won't get along if you aren't of the same mentality. I'm into cooking, outdoor activities, some kinds of art, and explosions.

Since the whole not using drugs thing might be a bit much to ask, if you're clean but inexperienced or underequipped feel free to hit me up anyway. We'll figure something out. No car? No problem! One loaded bike might be suspicious, but two? We're just a pair of pals out on a bike ride.

Can't say why, but here's a picture of a fish. Equinox was just a few days ago, the sun sets so early now! The season is almost here and I can't wait to hear from you!

Location: Around, you know.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

http://images.craigslist.org/3nf3o33la5O05S95R599qdbc2eb74e3971ead.jpg

Porn laptop

Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT

I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it's a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don't need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I'm pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn't type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it's not worth the risk. Great for porn though.

So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.

Give me an email, price is negotiable

Location: Renton

PostingID: 1278577164

http://losangeles.craigslist.org/lac/mis/1406819393.html

chronic masturbator is about to drive to LOS ANGELES (downtown / civic / van ness)

Date: 2009-10-19, 10:11AM PDT
Reply to: comm-x6jjb-1428243✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

what up, guys? so, it's like this...I'm a chronic masturbator and i'm heading to la right now. if you don't mind me occasionally masturbating in the car, and want a ride to socal, just hit me up with an email with your stats, sitch, name, and number and we can share some gas money and time.
peace.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1428243487

http://starwarsblog.starwars.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/halloween_bg.jpg

http://montreal.en.craigslist.ca/mis/1433645488.html

fess up

I want you to give me swine flu - 18 (NE )

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: 2009-10-24, 3:47PM PDT

Reply To This Post

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

give me the antibodies before it becomes a formidable threat.

Location: NE
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

You opened you over coat to my 3 preteen childern and I in the park today. We shared a moment.

Please contact with a picture of yourself. Would love to meet and explore eachother.

* Location: Sydney
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

You ate me out, I left without saying goodbye - 25
Date: 2009-10-26, 9:15PM PDT
Reply To This Post

We randomly shared a cab back to the Richmond from Polk St. You invited me in to play ping pong, which we did, then you went down on me for an hour or so while I dirty talked to you. I told you I was going to the bathroom but then I saw my pants and I saw the front door and just left instead. Sorry, I really should have told you I was leaving. It was all pretty hot, don't think I'd be up for it again but it was certainly fun! Thanks and sorry I didn't say goodbye! Also, sorry I started running when you called my name when I was half way down the block and you realized I was gone.

Free Appetizers and a few drinks for one strange person (cleveland)
Date: 2009-11-18, 6:13PM EST

thats right, sounds pretty damn sweet huh. all u have to do is pretend you are me (i'm pretty awesome), for my 10 yr
high school reunion, i cant go, and i want someone to go there and make me look like an asshole. you will get a free
ticket ($25 value), and approx. $20 for alcohol and/or drugs. i don't have the drugs, you'll have to get those yourself.

send a picture and description, don't care much about the description, but send a picture.

light houses rule

Location: cleveland

http://sandiego.craigslist.org/ssd/res/1476757044.html

1985 graphics today!

speling lulzes

$1300 / 2br - BEATIFULL CONDO (SOUTH OF VENTURA BLVD. ) (map)
Date: 2009-12-17, 11:44PM PST
Reply to: hous-dvmhy-1515419✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

• RENT : $ 1300.00
• SECURITY DEPOSIT: $ 500.00
 AVAILABLE: DESEMBER. 2009

 PHONE : 818-578-6542
 E-MAIL: LUDMILAL✧✧✧@YA✧✧✧.C✧✧

 LISTING TYPE : SHORT LEASE 3 TO 6 MONTHS
 BATHROOMS: 2
 STRUCTURE TYPE: CONDOS
 UNIT DETAILS : FIRST FLOOR
 PARKING: GATED GARAGE, 2 CAR SIDE BY SIDE
 STORAGE: AVAILABLE

AMENITIES:
 TILE/LAMINATE FLOOR
 POOL/ SANA
 REFRIGERATOR
 STOVE
 MICROVAVE
 DISHWASHER
 WASHER AND DRYER IN UNIT
 WET BAR
 PATIO

 PAID AMENITIES:
 WATER & HOT WATER &TRASH

 BEATIFULL LARGE 1500 SQF. VERY PRIVET UNIT. LOCATED IN A QUIET PRESTIGE NIEGBOREHOOD. CENTRAL AIR/HEAT , RENOVATED FLOORS, CUSTOM PAINT, COMFORTABLE FLOOR PLAN .VERY PIECFULL STREET WITH LOTS OF EXTRAORDINARY TREES. WALKING DISTANCE TO SHOPPING, RESTAURENTS, COFFEE SHOPS, MOVIES, PARKS.

Dance to "Techno" Music? (Downtown Portland)
Date: 2009-12-25, 9:24AM PST

I study at PSU and looking for someone who's interested in dancing to electronic musik with blaring synth, hard bass, & rhythm.

We can share music & dance, mess around etc...make it fun!

I practice regularly here on campus in the dance studio or private classrooms during evening by myself.

I also have access to another private studio space with nice hardwood floor, mirror, & lounging furnitures (in downtown, near the clubs/old town area).

It's fun, good exercise, and FREE!

So if you're in decent shape and can move around without hurting yourself, then please join me. I'll teach you.

Jumping is not a crime

Location: Downtown Portland
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

I posted an ad to sell this old drum machine I don't use anymore. In the subject line, I put the word "vintage" in parentheses. This is the response I got:

Look jagoff, the f'cking word VINTAGE is not for a digital drum machine made 2 decades ago - learn what the F'CK the word really means and change your ad to reflect the correct terms.

Why the f'ck the liberal f'cking schools have mis-taught f'cking idiots like you to take whatever f'cking term people decide is the new word to use and wrongly apply it to something like this is a f'cking wonder.

So, get your f'cking terminology right - vintage would be for a REALLY old, like 50's or 40's guitar, or even a 60's keyboard, but NOT a f'cking late 80's drum machine IDIOT.

And, additionally, Alesis doesn't have one f'cking thing that could be considered VINTAGE yet idiot!

tempted to just write back "it's spelled 'fucking'" but I don't really want to give him my real email.

Wow, that guy is really angry! One might argue disproportionately so.

vintage is a state of mind

you should just post like 5 more fake ads for vintage drum machines

except make them from like, 2008

You really should email him back from a fake email address if that is possible.

For Sale: vintage Zoom RhythmTrak

This guy would be really fun to buy wine with

Wow, that really is something....

I recently posted a bunch of records on craigslist, under the ad title "techno and house records"; the description also said "techno and house records", (and never was there a single thing written that would suggest otherwise), and I listed every record, with artist, title and label. I got someone ready to take them all, then (after asking me to meet him deep in the suburbs) he writes to me "and also i just want to make sure that there in good condish and there all like rnb hiphop elictro and all that ?"
It turned out he was in grade 9 and did a lot of high school parties.
I ended up selling them to another dude (aged 18, actually - it's good to see young people in the vinyl exchange, actually).

Still, that's no lecture of the semantics of vintage (frankly, he's right, it's all the liberal school's fault).

Visitor to Earth seeks Personal Assistant (Marina Del Rey)
Date: 2010-02-19, 11:57PM PST
Reply to: gigs-khbmj-1609253✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

Recent arrival seeks driver/guide assistant to enable me to effectively communicate and interact with others to assist in the advancement of humanity, the preservation of life and protection of the planet. computer savvy near westside a plus,

* Location: Marina Del Rey
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
* Compensation: Yes

PostingID: 1609253218

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/1608785048.html

'Chan' Marie Marshall, I ________ you. - m4w - 37 (East Village)
Date: 2010-02-19, 6:12PM EST
Reply To This Post

Hey Cat Power,

I tried writing your record company to see about sending along a note of thanks for your incredible music. Never heard back. It's a wacky, wacky world and I totally understand and respect any reluctance to accept fan mail. So I'll just tell you here and now. I was a fan the minute I picked up "What Would the Community Think" way back when. I drifted a bit after that--life (a marriage, a kid, a cheating spouse and a divorce) got in the way, and your music was suddenly too intense for me. Ten years later and in a much better spot I tried out "The Greatest" and was... well, to put it mildly: I was astounded. That music really spoke to me. Every damn one of those songs. The album was in constant rotation wherever I was--driving, work, home--for at least six months, nearly to the exclusion of everything else. I've never listened to another album as much. Then, naturally, time passed and I put it away. More time passed, Jukebox came out, and I dug it immensely as well (Song to Bobby is such a beautiful piece). I've been on a Tom Waits/Townes Van Sandt/alt. country binge for a year now, but earlier this week I put "The Greatest" on the PA at work while I mopped up the floor (I work at a beautiful historic theatre in NW Washington) and I was, um, floored again.

So I just wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for all that you have struggled through and all the effort--physical and emotional--that you put into bringing your music to my life, to all of our lives. I hope this note finds you in good spirits and in good health.

A friend in the Northwest. Just for the asking.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1608785048

Editing / Literary backing (sonoma)

Date: 2010-02-20, 10:09PM PST
Reply to: job-pxzp6-1610613✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

I am looking for someone who could help me edit and then market and publish, if possible. It has taken me 8 yrs to write this book. It is 512 pages, formatted . It is nonfiction, and it is about my own lifetime experience as a meth addict of 24 years. I have researched the history of the drug, when it was first made, why, and by whom, and what its intended use was. I illustrate what it is to be high on meth. What kind of thoughts go through a user’s head, how one is easily sidetracked and distracted from their goals, dreams, and every day focus. The narrative is myself speaking to the reader, telling them my story. Using my narrative, I convey my own thought processes in their exact (sic) spelling. I have also attempted to self-analyze my psychological reasons for letting something so awful take over my life. I give a lot of explicit details on incidences in my childhood which I feel directly contributed to my all-consuming addiction. I once I.Q.’d a test and scored 135. I was tested as a gifted child already in the 2nd grade, and drug addiction happened to me. It can happen easily to anyone. The book has wild, wild things I have done while I was high on speed, and delving below the surface layers why the speed only enhanced the reasons behind those wild actions. The speed sent me off on hundreds of thousands of thrill seeking stupidity issues, and I take the reader there with me. I am a single mother, and this book has been complete for a year now. It just needs editing. In that last year I have been able to contribute 5 hours to editing. I need help! Only 4 people have read portions of this book to date, and all have given me extremely positive feedback. One of these people co-owns Marshall Media Management, and offered her critique of my book as a favor to my brother. She suggested where I might want to add details, etc. At the end, she chose a sound trac for the movie opening, which she simply concluded was inevitable. No way! A movie?! Hmmm. Another reader was my daughter’s 6th grade schoolteacher, who is a graduate of U.C. Berkeley. When he finished, he just turned, looked me in my eyes, and quietly said, “I’m honored”.…after only 10 pages! Audiences it would, appeal to are: Anyone interested in the psychology of someone who has a meth problem; cops, behaviorist studyists (sp?), anyone interested in a glamour-type story, family members with a loved one who is addicted, and would like to know more details, want to help, want to understand, anyone who might just be starting out using the stuff, and are curious on what could happen to them. Other drug addicts, just for reading entertainment and some positive input to make them more committed to quitting, and how easy quitting can be. Inspirational psychology, spiritual, hope, love, anyone who wants to explore an inherently good person’s experiences with the drug world subculture from a distance, which distance is recommended.

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/nby/wri/1610613671.html

The history of the drug,
when it was first made, why, and by whom,
and what its intended use was.

I illustrate what it is to be
high on meth.

What kind of thoughts go through a user’s head,
how one is easily sidetracked and distracted
from their goals, dreams, and every day focus.

The narrative is myself speaking to the reader,
telling them my story. Using my narrative,
I convey my own thought processes
in their exact (sic) spelling.

What I'm saying is, that passage read like a 17th century title page, just needs a weird woodcut of a Meth User.

attn: guy fieri!

Rolling Stone LA seeks experienced Rock n Roll Head Chef (Hollywood, CA)
Date: 2010-02-22, 12:24PM PST
Reply to: job-zaxrf-1612861✧✧✧@craigsl✧✧✧.o✧✧ [Errors when replying to ads?]

ROLLING STONE LA

Nothing in the world brings people together like music. And there's no greater music magazine in the world than Rolling Stone.

Bringing the best of the iconic magazine to life, Rolling Stone LA will open at Los Angeles’s popular Hollywood and Highland Center in the summer of 2010. Ideally situated among some of the country’s most famous and historic attractions, including the Hollywood Walk of Fame, Grauman’s Chinese Theater and the Kodak Theatre, the multi-level Rolling Stone LA venue will encompass more than 10,000-square feet and serve as an exciting blend of equal parts restaurant, bar, lounge and upscale private-event space.

The spectacular interior space will feature black brick, tufted leather and vaulted ceilings throughout. The restaurant will feature both indoor and outdoor seating perfect for lunch, watching a game or even grabbing a late-night meal. The bar and lounge will be the ideal location for a night out in Hollywood with music from some of LA’s hottest DJs, a dance floor, impeccable service and multiple areas for private parties.

Rolling Stone LA will reflect the progressive timelessness for which Rolling Stone is known, and will soon be one of the city’s premier dining and entertainment destinations.

Rolling Stone LA is currently seeking a Rock and Roll Head Chef!
Our menu is American Faire with a Tex Mex Flair.

Qualified applicants must have a minimum of 4 years experience in high volume restaurants in excess of 500 covers nightly. We are looking for an “in the trenches” Head Chef who can run the kitchen from either side of the window. Chef will also interact with customers and staff in the restaurant. This 200 seat restaurant will be open 7 days a week for lunch and dinner and will also serve a late night menu. Applicant must be creative with menu design and have experience with very large high end special events. This position is responsible for all kitchen management from staffing, ordering, inventory, cost controls, training, quality control, etc. Only the very best need apply!

Please email your cover letter, resume, salary requirements, list of references and past clients, and a current photo.

No applicants will be accepted at location. No exceptions!
We are not accepting applications for any other positions at this time.

* Location: Hollywood, CA
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

PostingID: 1612861291

"behaviorist studyists"

ANTIQUE hand crank Womens vibrating dildo

Date: 2010-01-01, 5:15PM EST

Amazing condition for being over (70 years old) but still works great .
Was my great Grandma's, and passed down to my grandma, and then to my mother. my wife was not interested in it so I need to sell ASAP need money for christmas.

--------------------thank you---------------------
Hennry j

* Location: nutley park

http://images.craigslist.org/3k23me3l55Q65W15S0a416b7119a863ca1788.jpg

http://semo.craigslist.org/cto/1672266524.html

This was a project my grandfather worked on when I was a kid, and it used to terrify me, as I have an inexplicable fear of these evil creatures. I am hoping to sell it by the end of the month, as I owe child support and don’t have the cash to cover it at the moment. This was built off of the frame of an otherwise perfect 1986 Yugo Cabrio.

I want it!!!!!!

it's only $150, and you can control the tail and shoot water out the spout.

Not street legal,

damn