mayo: the devil's condiment

In my experience, picky people tend to deny it and claim that they like everything except one or two things but the more time you spend with them the more you find little exceptions that end up meaning that they have a hard time ordering in restaurants unless they’ve ordered the dish before or else they have to quiz the waiter at length before ordering (usually including special instructions).

So, I'll say that I think eggs and milk are among the weirdest things human beings eat. Think about it: Another animal's breastmilk and unfertilized (sometimes!) eggs. And the things we have to do to get a steady supply of these things is both unnatural and sometimes horrific. And, mayo is unfertilized egg of a chicken whipped furiously with oil.

Yet, I love milk and eggs. And I love mayo. But I acknowledge that it is objectively, well... it should at least be considered a delicacy. A member of my immediate family who lives in the midwest, eats a lot of casseroles made with canned vegetables, and pretty much every meal is built around ground beef, thinks raw fish is some kind of exotic delicacy which she'd never have the courage to try, yet dumps 1/8 a jar of mayonnaise on her medium rare hamburgers without any acknowledgement of just how weird and gross mayo is on its surface. Not to mention a big side of deviled eggs with pretty much any special meal!

I guess I see it both ways. I hate food shaming on both ends. The picky and those extremely intolerant of others' possibly too sensitive disgust reflex. Food is too fun to be so negative about.

eggs are probably the favorite food of most creatures big enough to swallow them. they are ultra-nutritious and best of all they can't fight back! even snakes love eggs

the whole astrology thing with “picky eaters” is really absurd

hey guess what i just put mayonnaise in

a freakin', tofu marinade. and now i have these tofu slabs all just soaking up mayo for literally no reason. mayo tofu, yeah that's right.

(i mean it's not only mayonnaise. what do you think i am, some kind of lunatic? it's all like soy sauce and ginger and garlic whatever, pepper and i think paprika maybe, why not. and then a fat luscious glob of the devil's dick cheese)

i have no excuse. there wasn't any recipe that told me to do it, and i didn't use it as a substitute for anything else. i had this perfectly normal marinade all mixed up and i was scanning the fridge for, i don't know, inspiration or something. and then before i knew what was happening i was somehow whisking mayonnaise into it? is this how alien abductees feel?

it's fine, though. everything is fine. nothing matters. laws aren't real. mayo tofu.

How did it turn out?

i went a little heavy on the pepper, it turns out, but it was less of an abomination than i expected. 6/10, not especially mayo-y.

tofu zarandeado

having just googled zarandeado, daaaaamn

the mayo based zarandeado marinades could work well for tofu. Chef friend that taught me used mayo and chile morita. Highly recommend it!

egg, oil, vinegar - horrifying

Mayo is godly when used sparingly. It's the only industrial condiment we use, and it goes in exactly four meals: 1. Belgian fries that are already cooked in beef fat but hey decadence, 2. Homemade burgers because fuck ketchup, 3. Avo toast + cucumber + hard-boiled egg 4. wraps with beans stew + avo + salad + coriander. My beloved adds an unlikely 5. Bolognaise and I don't judge (silently I do). I wish I had the mayo from Woolies, it was the best.

mayo + fries an all-time luxe indulgence, mmmm

i still remember the first time i tried them together: 13 yrs old, family trip in mendocino, some crispy chicken shack. don't recall how the fries came to be doused with mayonnaise, maybe it was a dare or something, but that first taste was like hold on, this isn't disgusting? my mouth is loving this, wtf? good times, man, good times!

my lad has finally come over to the veggie side, so (ironically) i'm about to go ham on some tofu recipes and am most grateful to you, Sufjan Grafton, for this zarandeado revelation. maybe try it on some hearts of palm, all flaky and whatnot.

might as well throw some mayo into my next batch of lentil bolognaise, too. will report back if i die 🫡

guess who used watery mayonnaise instead of an egg wash on some pasties IT WAS ME AHAHAHAHAHAHA I CAN NEVER BE STOPPED

worked well btw -- pasties cooked up crisp & shiny & golden brown, the edges stayed sealed, no noticeable mayo flavor

yesterday i bought a big tub of hellman's. today i baked some potato slices (had parboiled yesterday) with olive oil, garlic, s&p

served with mayo and heinz

by big tub i just mean the normal size

I've lived in my apartment for ten years and I guarantee there's been no mayo in here since I've been present, unless a guest had some in a pocket or purse

you're saying you're a Miracle Whip guy?

Our local diner serves their fries with a side of chipotle mayo for dipping. It is truly the perfect complement. However, one struggles to find a good store-bought alternative for home consumption. I tried the Hellman's Organic Chipotle Mayo, but it seems too mayonaissey. Something is missing that I can't put my finger on. Hellman's also sells a Spicy Ancho Chipotle Sauce, but its only available in gallon jugs. Maybe that's for the restaurant market. I wish they would offer a consumer size version.

the answer is because it's store bought. just make your own!

I would if I knew what to put in it to make it taste like the restaurant version! I notice the gallon sauce has tomato paste in it in addition to the mayo and chipotle. Maybe I should try adding a bit of that. Just mayo + chipotle doesn't do it.

think this might be the weekend I finally make fresh mayonnaise

Basic mayo is great for mixing in hot sauces, garlic/spices, etc

Making aioli is tricky. I made it once with an olive oil that was so strong-tasting that it ruined the mix. It was pain to make and was such a disappointment. Other friends have made better versions of it, but I have always felt indifferent to their versions too.

I like store-bought mayonnaise better - Hellmans, Kewpie, Duke's, even Kraft

We call Hellman's 'Best Foods' out west

A good Cannonball Run remake might see some lovable rogues trying to smuggle Best Foods east of the Mississippi

yes. Buy canned chipotles in adobo and blend with store mayo.

I disagree. Canned chipotles in adobo are so out there that I have no idea how to use them. They are big thick slabs of dried jalapenos in a very intense sauce. They are definitely not meant as a sauce for dipping fries

never, ever make aïoli with olive oil. always a neutral oil like canola otherwise it will be gross

when it comes to canned chipotles in adobo, just some of the liquid they're packed in will suffice to fold in with store mayo, and that way you wouldn't need a blender

upon reflection i would like to amend my previous post: for "mayo flavor" please sub in "taint of mayo"

budo jeru you have made me want potatoes, yet all the potatoes currently in my possession are earmarked for soup, and i am much grieved. and how were yours sliced, spears or chips or other? i've tried to make those wacky accordion spuds and by gosh they're a lot of fuss for relatively little potat.

o. nate what if you went to the cafe and ordered fries with a quart of dipping sauce, and then you surreptitiously scraped the chipotle mayo into your purse, what if that

Andy, one day your heart will learn to love mayonnaise and we will all welcome you home with greasy arms and sulfurous, eggy kisses

what if -- i'm having a brainstorm here, a brain tornado, a brain typhoon -- what if i make scrambled eggs with mayonnaise and nothing else

these were farmer's market potatoes, small and more round than oblong. i quartered them in attempt to make mini jojo potatoes

when parboiling i used white vin and fish sauce, i think this helped with the flavor. in the past i've sliced potatoes raw and baked them directly, but the result was always too dry

i should add, finally, that after boiling to near-done-ness (but still somewhat stiff), i let them dry overnight in the fridge on a sheet tray. i think this helped them get crispy when baking

i love farmer's market taters so frigging much. and, yeah, the parcooking takes 'em next level when roasted fer sure

i've made this vegan mayo before and a) it was really good! b) nice not having to worry about there being raw egg in it. i'd make it but have about a quart of kewpie in the fridge.
recipe in case anyone's of a mind:
Veganaise
½ cup of soy milk, plain and preferably unsweetened
1 cup plus 2 tablespoons of canola oil
¼ teaspoon of apple cider vinegar
¼ teaspoon of agave
¾ teaspoon of kosher salt
½ tablespoon of fresh lemon juice
zest from 1/8 of an organic lemon
1/8 teaspoon of dry mustard

do you make an emulsion of some kind, or just mix it all together?

emulsion, yeah. Oil added after combining other ings.

https://www.tiktok.com/@worldsportsnetwork/video/7274408052772637995

the only good sport

mayonnaise soup happened and it wasn't my fault

my lad has a perpetual soup going in the slow cooker, into which he gleefully (and, some might say, heedlessly) tosses the odds and ends that accumulate in our fridge.

there was something calling itself "broccoli salad" which he scraped into the pot, perhaps not fully realizing what was about to happen

and now he is having a bowl of mayonnaise soup. i haven't told him yet. i might not ever have the heart to tell him.

the devil has his soul now.

Thinking about buying some mayo to make deviled eggs

xp didn't have to wait too long for someone to come up with something worse than lasagne soup.

i always have this feeling that deviled eggs are gnarly hemispheres of congealed chicken mucous but then have one anyway and it tastes great???? probably some kind of devil magic, given the name + mayo component

I bought Mrs. Cal a hard boiled egg maker appliance (which she promptly discarded) that I have been using it every morning. Just a little salt and it’s a perfect breakfast

I am about to make "dressing" for coleslaw, but I know what this really is

repulsive string of posts

frankly horrifying

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all time best mayo hating discourse on bsky

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so we're not missing out then

Mayo is absolutely terrible BUT deviled eggs, when done correctly, are wonderful

The secret is to use seasoning (staring accusingly at all the white people in the upper Midwest as I type)