ILX Screenwriters Presents 'It was all Yello: The Coldwerk Sessions'

[16-voice sythesizer chorus]:

Oh, those tricky Swiss! The plot thickens into a fondue-like state. Can this plan succeed?

Fortunately, revenge is the coldest dish of all, even colder than their frigid, cavernous souls.

Boris [calling through the voicebox, with Chris's voice]: Gwyneth! Pumpkin pie!

Chris: What was that? It almost sounded like...

Boris [with Gwyneth's voice]: It was nothing, love, I was just, er, practicing my imitation skills...

Chris: That was wonderful, my respect for you as an actor just keeps on growing!

[Gwyneth walks to the car, summonded by Boris's call. Dieter opens the back door.]

Dieter: Would you please step inside the car, madam.

Gwyneth: Chris? What's this? Why are you wearing that thing?

Chris: Oh, it's nothing, honey, you told me yourself it was a surprise.

Gwyneth: Did I? Gee, sounds cool! I love surprises!

Dieter: Yes, and a fine surprise it shall be! Would be kind enough to wear one of these as well [hands Gwyneth a bindfold] not ruin the surprise.

Gwyneth: Sure. [Puts the blinfold on.] But what about Apple? I can't see her now.

Dieter: There's no need to worry about your child, madam, I'll take care of her for the duration of our trip. If you just hand her over...

Gwyneth: Oh. Sure. [Hands baby Apple to Dieter.] You sound like such a trustworthy man.

Dieter: And I shall assure you I won't break your trust. Boris, start the engine!

[The car rolls off.]

Ralf: Mr. Martin! Did you hear that sound? [Looks at the broken lamp.] What happened to our lighting?

Billy: Uh... Sound, what sound? I didn't hear anything? I was just, er, enjoying my daily hour in the dark.

Ralf: Daily hour in the dark?

Florian [aside to Ralf]: You know those pop stars...

[Ralf and Florian shake their heads.]

Ralf: Well, something is amiss in here. Perhaps outside the studio...

[The sound of a car engine starting and tires screeching is heard through the walls. Ralf and Florian run outside just in time to witness the car of Boris and Dieter driving off. Ralf pulls out of his pocket a small gadget that looks like a modified calculator, points it at the car and pushes a couple of buttons.]

Florian: Am I completely wrong if I say that the blonde woman on the backseat appeared to be the wife of our singer?

Ralf: No, I think you're right. And the moustached gentleman holding the fruit child...

Florian: ...looked exactly like Dieter Meier. And the fellow beside him must've been Boris Blank.

[They look at each other.]

Ralf: I guess you must understand what these occurences imply to...?

Florian: I think I do.

Ralf: Did you manage to notice who the other person on the backseat was?

Florian: No, he was left in the shadows. What about you, did you get the readings out of the car?

Ralf: Of course I did, dumkopf, I can be speedy enough if the situation so necessitates.

Florian: I did not mean to doubt that. Well, at least we have something to work with. I guess we have little choice but to do as any decent person would do, in a situation like this.

Ralf: Yes, you are right. But first we must inform poor Mr. Martin about this unfortunate state of things.

[The pair walks inside the studio, where they find Billy.]

Florian: Mr. Martin! I fear we have some terrible news for you. Your wife has been, so we think, kidnapped by the dadaist electropop duo Yello from Switzerland.

Billy: My wife...? But... Ah, yes, my wife! Didn't I, er, also have a child, what about the child?

Ralf: Yes, it would seem that the child is in their hands as well.

Billy [to himself]: Boris and Dieter, exactly how far are you willing to go? [To Ralf and Florian:] Oh dear, what devastating tidings! Poor Gwyneth and... uh... Pear!

Ralf: There is no need for desperation. You should get yourself properly dressed, we have a plan...

Felicity (Bronx drawl):

Damn, Merril, just take the call already!

Peaches:

See I'm the kind of girl who works with the best
Dressed or undressed, they gotta pass the test
I smoke a ciggy with Iggy or a cone with Joan
An ex-Kraftwerk drummer, out on his own?
Damn it girl, just hang up the phone!

Felicity:

This ain't that Fluhr guy, Merril! It's your father. Damn, just take the call!

Peaches:

It's daddy?? (she accepts the handset)

Rabbi Nisker:

Merril? My little babk? How are you princess, are eating properly? Ruth and I worry about you. Berlin is a dangerous place, full of moral degerates!

Merril:

I'm fine daddy, I just released a new album, everything's going great!

Rabbi Nisker:

This is more of that folk music? Why did you give up the violin?

(folio: female voice in background: 'She played that violin like an angel!').

That's your mother - Ruth, speak to your daughter already!

(folio: female voice in background: 'Ask her, did she get the gefilte fish package I gave to Lottsie?')

Ask her yourself aready! Merril, are you still playing that folk music??

Peaches:

Sure... sure dad. I'm still playing that folk music.

Rabbi Nisker:

What's that? Hang on... (folio: muffled voices) Your mother wants to know what your album's called so she can look out for it and tell her friends.

Peaches:

It's called... it's called Father Lover.

Rabbi Nisker:

Father Lover? What kind of a name is that?

(scene fades with camera lingering on Felicity Publicity's face, as she chews gum and shakes her head)

Or maybe a cliffhanger in the Swiss alps?

Eventually, Kraftwerk figure out what is going on (perhaps after another couple of days with Billy/Chris) and will take off in pursuit (they are conflicted: glad to be rid of Chris, but knowing they must do the right thing and save him). Once they figure it all out, Dieter dispatches Wolfgang to intercept them, with Peaches following Wolfgang (hoping to get the collaboration over with), and eventually everyone meets up at the video shoot (which could very well be in the Swiss alps), and shit goes down.

I'm not trying to dictate the storyline, that's just the general arc that popped into my head. Anyone who wants to vary it should feel free to do so.

Any resemblance to James Bonds OHMSS is purely coincidence.

(x-post)

At some point Kraftwerk with their fake Chris are in the studio having an argument while their synths bubble and chug away in the background. Florian begins to bob his knee to the beat, Ralf taps one finger and slowly their fight dissolves away as they all succumb to the beat. They have finally found their hit and we see a musical montage of the three dancing around like robots. Cut to the Yello studio where Boris, Dieter and the real Chris are having the same moment. We hear a different song but at the same key and tempo which cuts in seamlessly with the Kraftwerk song.

Cut from a shot of the Yello studio to the same shot viewed on a video monitor. Slow move back to reveal an entire bank of screens monitoring different studios and a wall full of reel-to-reel machines slowly turning and red lights blinking. The screens and other equipment seem to be recessed into a rock wall as though we're in some kind of subterranean grotto. Pull back further to reveal a shadowy figure sitting at the recording console with his back to the camera. He begins to chuckle to himself while puffing up plumes of smoke. As the chuckle rises into manaical laughter he stops abruptly, presses an intercom button and orders in a thick Swiss accent: "We have a hit. You will print up the album covers now."

(interior of a record store one week later)

Boris and Dieter have let Chris out of the studio for a break. He wears a big curly wig and dark sunglasses as a disguise and is followed closely by a bodyguard/captor. As he browses through the records he stops at an end display and picks a prominently displayed album. We see a close-up of the cover which features photos of Chris, Ralf & Florian, Yello, Bjork and Aphex Twin and reads "The Cold Cosmic Players." Chris, visibly angry flips the album over and reads outloud "production von Rolf-Ulrich Kaiser." In a blind rage and still clutching the album he bolts from the store, sets off the security alarm and is chased by the bodyguard.

cut to...

(interior, RU Kaiser's underground lair, Brazil)
Still sitting in his chair behind the console, Kaiser is watching his surveillance monitors when one of his lackeys (a young woman in a glittery silver jumpsuit) enters...
Cosmic Lackey - "Sir, The Cold Cosmic Players have reached number one"
Kaiser (grinning) - Inform me at once when the first checks begin to come in. I can feel it. The day is drawing near. The galaxy's ultimate boy band... so long in the shadows.... waiting to be born... my glorious vision will rise at last!
Kaiser swivels around in his chair and does another evil laugh. The camera whips up to reveal several large glass jars mounted in the wall under a sign reading "DNA Samples." The jars are labelled with names like Manuel Gšttsching and Klaus Schulze. The wall is papered over with blueprints of scientific equipment along with costume designs and hairstyle sketches for a boy band. Six large pre-teen boy sized chambers sit empty and glow with a pulsing light.

Peaches was just a little cameo. I don't know whether she needs to complicate the story line. Perhaps she could reappear right at the very end as another little comic sequence, being chased around Berlin Benny Hill style, by Wolfgang or something. We'll see.

I think you'd have to be a physics professor to make this work - but don't forget, we have one! Barry, you must lead.

[Florian, Ralf and Billy are in a minivan. The back seats have been removed in order to make room for the Uberblitzigheitsynthesizer-mini and some other antiquated recording equipment. Florian is driving, with Ralf and Billy sitting on cushions in the back, boxed in by large piles of wires and black boxes. Billy is starting solemnly out of the window, frowning at the countryside. Ralf is hard at work fixing things]

Ralf: There, it should finally be operational now.

Florian: Ralf, all of this equipment is weighing us down.

Ralf: That is why I brought the mini. It weighs only 450 kg, almost half that of the standard model!

Florian: Why did you not bring the Uberblitzigheitsynthesizer-ubermini, you know, the one which you modified for transport via bicycle? It weighs a mere 100 kg!

Ralf: Bah, it doesn't have enough memory to store the waveforms we will need on this trip. 64kb will not be enough, but synthesizer gives us 512kb, which is plenty!

Billy: Why must we work? Can we not just drive?

[Ralf and Florian burst out laughing]

Florian: Hahahaha, not work! Yes, very amusing, Mr. Martin. That is the funniest thing you have said in many days.

Ralf: Of course, we must keep our regular working hours, even on the road. We must get this album over with, er, I mean, finished.

[Billy sighs]

Florian: Anyhow, due to all of the weight, the minivan will not travel faster than 90 km/h! They will gain considerable time on us. By my calculations, given their head start plus the difference in the speed of our vehicles, they will reach the Swiss Alps a full three days before we do!

Billy: Their speed? How do you know their speed? And how will we possibly find them once we arrive?

Ralf: Following a recent incident involving your daughter tampering with our equipment, Florian implanted a tracking device in her inner ear. That way, we could constantly keep track of her whereabouts in order to avoid further destruction.

Florian: Yes, we know exactly where to find them. What we lack in speed, we can make up with the element of surprise, since they have no idea that we are following them.

Ralf: OK, Mr. Martin, it's now time to record.

Billy: Must we sing?

Florian: He's right, Ralf, it is 10:30 -- time for our pre-determined coffee break. I will stop the minivan.

Billy: Oh dear.

Chris: Where are we going, honey?

Gwyneth: No talking, dear, just touching.

Chris: Oh boy!

[Dieter and Boris talk between themselves, so that Chris and Gwyneth cannot hear]

Dieter: They suspect nothing.

Boris [staring at blinking light on the dashboard]: Wait, poor Billy Mackenzie's tracking sensor is indicating significant motion. At such speeds, he must be in a moving vehicle. Could they be following us?

Dieter: It can't be!

Boris: Somebody must have warned them that something was amiss. But who?

Dieter: Regardless, it doesn't matter -- we shall rendez-vous with the Yelloball in a couple of hours, and it will transport us instantly to our final destination. Let them drive to Switzerland if they must, they will be several days behind, and even if they do eventually find us, by that time it will be too late!

Boris: Still, I am concerned. Perhaps we should place a call to Herr Flur before we reach the Yelloball.

Dieter: No, we need not disturb Herr Flur at this time. Everything is still well under control. Now if you'll excuse me, I must return to my thoughts

[Dieter returns to hs thoughts of the upcoming video shoot ...]

(Yes, I know it doesn't take six days to drive from Dusseldorf to the Swiss Alps, even with a minivan that tops out at 90 km/h*. But we need time to let the two branches of the story develop.)

Peaches was just a little cameo. I don't know whether she needs to complicate the story line

She doesn't, as long as we establish a reason for her to be present in the final scene, and tracking down Wolfgang (who will set out after Kraftwerk at some point, likely via a chartered plane) is an acceptable reason. Likewise, I envision one or two more Peron cameos, plus more appearances from Holger Czukay. He should appear in the final scene too, preferably as a Virgin Mary-esque apparition that is visible to the entire group (or maybe some of the group, but not others).

*even if Ralf and Florian drive for exactly eight hours per day, i.e. during their normal daily working hours

Don't worry, I'll correct these little mistakes in the unified edition. With your permission, I could also change the parts where you accidentally refer to Yello as being German ("Deutschland Sucht Den Superstar" = "Schweiz Sucht Den Superstar, or something to that effect).

Dieter: Now then, my good sir and madam, the surprise is not far.

Gwyneth: Oh goodie! I hope it involves ice cream!

Chris: Ice cream? Yay! I love you, baby!

Boris [singing silently to baby Apple with Gwyneth's voice]: Husch little Mädchen, don't say a word, Mutti's gonna by you a mockingbird... [Stops singing.] Such a sweet child! I do hope Dieter has taken account of her in his plan, otherwise...

[The group reaches a haystack on the side of the field. Dieter starts swiping off the hay and reveals the Yellotron, hidden inside the stack. He opens the door.]

Dieter: Now, if you would be kind enough to step inside.

[All four step inside the Yellotron, and Dieter closes the door. Lights begin to flash on its surface. Suddenly, a rugged figure jumps out of the nearby bushes and runs to the Yellotron. The figure grabs its side just before the lights reach their full luminosity. The Yellotron then disappears, taking the shady figure with it, and leaving only a pile of slightly burned hay behind.]

Ralf: There, I believe it is fifteen to eleven, and our established fifteen-minute break is over.

Florian: Yes, you are right. We can now start to record. Are you ready, Mr. Martin?

Billy [to himself]: Oh sweet Lord! I have no idea what to sing, this Martin fellow and his Coolplay weren't around yet when I last walked the planet. Slow as they may be, even Ralf and Florian must realize I'm an impostor once I open my voice. How will I ever get out of this mess? Heavens above, help me!

[Suddenly, a screeching cry is heard from above. It gets louder and louder, as the source of the voice nears the minivan. Ralf looks out of the window. Something is falling out of the skies, right towards the car. As that something gets closer, we see that it is a human figure.]

Ralf: Oh dear...

[With a loud crash the figure lands on top of the car.]

The figure: Ouch!

Okay, I won't change the first part, but I'll find a replacement word for "Teutonic" (I think it isn't suitable, since, later on, Yello refer to Kraftwerk as "Teutonic mayhem".)

Florian: He is starting to get on my nerves, Ralf. Will he ever stop?

Ralf: I admire his energy and his love for the music. He is exactly what we need in order to inject a spark into these recording sessions! Perhaps he will bring some life back to Mr. Martin's face. He has been so melancholy as of late.

Florian: Naturally, he is concerned about his wife and the fruit child. This is a normal reaction. But perhaps you are correct -- his presence may be benefical to the recordings. However, his added weight will decrease our top speed to 87.4 km/h.

Ralf: But I believe the increased quality of the recording sessions will more than make up for the time we lose on the journey.

Florian: Perhaps you are right. Once the album is finished, we will have to figure out what to do with him, but there is still lots of time to think about that.

Ralf: Correct. Come, let us clean up, it is now 12:57 ...

I think we need to get the video shoot off the ground very soon ...

If Yello hire her to work on the video, then Wolfgang will be furious with Yello once he is eventually summoned by Dieter and finds out that they've "stolen" Peaches from under his nose.

Helvetic? Helvetian? Alpine?

Boris [to himself]: Carefully now, Boris, such a delicate creature... Aha!

[Boris pulls a small electronic gadget out of Apple's ear.]

Boris: Did I not say we were being followed? This is the proof!

Dieter: Yes, it must have been those holier-than-thou piston ballerinas who placed the device into the child's ear! Nevertheless, we are still miles ahead of them, and they shall not follow us further than this.

[Boris places the tracking device into a small container surrounded by huge loudspeakers. He pulls a switch. The deep rumble of that famous Yello bass begins to emanate from the speakers. The plugging device trembles and then shatters into thousands of pieces.]

Dieter: Now, we must prepare for the trip to our final destination.

Boris: Yes. By the by, Dieter, you left this at the auto we rented. [Picks up a green scarf.]

Dieter: Boris, that is not mine. Where did you find it from?

Boris: From the trunk. Perhaps it was left the there by the previous rentee?

Dieter: Perhaps. But now that I look at it, it does look familiar... [Strokes his moustache.] Is this not the scarf Jean-Herve was wearing while we met him?

Boris: It is! And that must mean...

Dieter: Jean-Herve, that vile devil! Instead of running away he must have hid inside the automobile trunk!

Boris: He could have heard everything! About our plan, about your villa in the Alps...

Dieter: We must assume he could have.

Boris: Then again, the man is totally and wholesomely cuckoo. What could he do with the information?

Dieter: Cuckoo he may be, but that means he is also unreliable. Were he to meet those dastardly boyscouts of Der Kraftwerk... I think now might be the perfect time to contact Herr Flür.

[Dieter picks up a cellular phone and dials a number.]

Dieter: Wolfgang? It is Dieter. Remember our discussion earlier? It is time we three meet again. Do you possess an autocar? Good.

[Cut to: The same mountain road, somewhat later. Another car is seen driving into the same direction as Boris and Dieter. The driver is Wolfgang Flür. As the second car goes out sight, we see yet another car, apparently following the Wolfgang's car from a distance. This car too has only person in it, but the face of the driver is left into shadow. The third car goes off-screen. The road is silent again.]

[to audience}
I knew he would call. This was completely expected on my part -- insurance policy, ha! Dieter may have believed that he could handle Kraftwerk on his own, but I knew better. Kraftwerk cannot be trusted, only a man such as myself is capable of handling them. I know their thoughts and their fears, for I know them better than they know themselves. Ralf and Florian are like black ice on the roads of the Autobahn. To most people, the road is expansive and inviting, much like the lush cover art on our album of the same name. However, black ice can unravel this drivers utopia in an instant. One minute you are driving, the next, you are slipping off the road and bound for unavoidable carnage. This is what dealing with Kraftwerk is like. Dieter thought his plan was foolproof -- but no! -- the icy hand of Kraftwerk can snatch defeat from victory in an instant.

And how could I resist a trip to the Swiss Alps! There will surely be many Italians where we are staying. I relish every oppurtunity to celebrate my Italian heritage. Italians love to eat, drink, meet women, party, and go to discos. So do I. I have no doubt that this endeavour will be beneficial in stimulating my creativity. Adventure is the greatest source of creativity.

Dieter and Boris treat me so well. Better than Ralf and Florian ever did. A chartered plane to fly me to Zurich! A car waiting for me at the airport, with instructions to meet them in a secret mountain location! My arrangements has been impeccably organized -- this is Swiss efficiency. With Kraftwerk, I spent eight years fixing a synthesizer. They do not know how to work efficiently. Well, I will show them. I don't know what Kraftwerk are planning to do, but it is sure to be dastardly, and I will foil it.

I wonder what Dieter meant when he said that my help would be "rewarded through musical investment"? Perhaps we will collaborate on an album? I wonder who will be there to work on this album? I am feeling considerable inspiration from this drive, perhaps the new Yamo album can have a mountain theme as well as a flower theme?

MOUNTAIN SONG
(lyrics by Wolfgang Flur)

Coming down the mountain ...
Into your waiting arms
How pretty is the snow!
It can do us no harm!

We embrace the mountain
Its snow-capped peaks
Rounded like the perfect breast
Or your rosy cheeks

[continues driving]

[scene: the Kraftwerk minivan. Two days have passed since we last saw them. Peron is driving and is quietly bickering and chatting without himself. Ralf and Florian are amongst the piles of equipment in the back. They are recording Billy's voice.]

Billy (knee-bending falsetto):

Oh, woe!
Woe, oh!
Woe!
My woe!

Woe is
Woe was
Woe will be
All

(stops)

Florian: This is oustanding.

Ralf: Yes, Mr. Martin, excellent work. I am greatly moved by the sadness and emotional vulnerability of your vocal performances as of late.

(Billy sighs and turns his head to stare out the window)

Florian: Assigning the driving duties to Mr. Peron was the turning point in the making of this album.

Ralf: Absolutely. Now we can both work on the recordings full-time. What a fantastic use of our time this is.

Florian: Yes, there are a multitude of musical rewards at play here. I have even sampled Mr. Peron's kazoo playing and random murmuring for use in a sound collage piece on the record!

Ralf: He puts us in touch with our earliest recordings as Kraftwerk, the days when we used flutes and actual percussion instruments. Perhaps we should re-release those first two Kraftwerk albums after all!

Florian: I must admit that I didn't expect him to be such a good driver. He follows instructions very well, we save money on resources since he never eats, and on top of that, our music benefits!

Ralf: He is the perfect employee! (looking outside at the countryside for a moment) I believe I have never been to this part of the country. Perhaps Mr. Peron wants to see the map?

Florian: He doesn't need the map, he is following the tracking light from the sensor I implanted in the fruit child. It is a simple task for him to follow.

Ralf: Yes, of course, if he follows the light then he'll be fine [peers into the front seat and looks at the tracking apparatus installed into the dashboard] ... wait, Florian, the tracking light isn't on!

Florian: Impossible! [sees for himself] Oh no, you're correct, Ralf!

Ralf: This is a nightmare! How long has the light been out?

Florian: I haven't a clue! I haven't even bothered to check it in two days, every since we assigned the driving duties to Mr. Peron! We have been so busy working back here that I didn't even think of it!

Ralf: And yet, he has never complained once. He has been driving, very likely for two days, without any directions. How does he know where he is going?

Florian: I don't know Ralf, I don't know ...

[fades]

-- MindInRewind

The way I see it is, Felicity Publicity persuades Peaches that her rock schtick is all played out, and for her next album she'd be better off collaborating with Yello. She gives them a visit and finds them on the set of the video. She just basically takes charge. Later, she is hired by Kraftwerk It's a further slap in the face for poor Wolfgang.

Ralf and Florian are finishing their roast beef and edamer cheese sandwiches mit Hutzelbrot, along with a thermos of coffee.

brief suggestion for accuracy: i'm under the impression R&F do not consume meats.

i.e., http://veggie.org/veggie/famous.veg.html and a few interviews alluding to this preference.

In an interview, published in today's Sun newspaper, Coldplay's Chris Martin talks about a terrifying plane landing. Martin was on his way to Ghana with Oxfam to publicise fair trade issues, was coming into Tamale Airport when disaster struck. "I couldn’t see the ground and as it turns out, nor could the pilot. I found out we were about 200 metres up. The plane dropped off violently to the right then way over to the left it. It was lurching all over.

There is a Radiohead song called ‘Airbag’ which says that every time you get out of a car you should celebrate that you are alive. I felt that getting off the plane. But it fired me up for the trip. I thought, ‘I’m going to learn as much as I can and meet as many people as possible.’"

The techno community on Little Detroit has found the thread:

http://www.littledetroit.net/forums/viewtopic.php?p=115647#115647

Perhaps some of them will feel inspired to contribute to the script?

I really like this idea because then we'll get to see two drastically different visions of the video -- Yello's and Peaches'. I don't know about Kraftwerk hiring her at the end though ... can't we allow Wolfgang a bit of happiness. He will always revert back to hating Kraftwerk in future stories.

brief suggestion for accuracy: i'm under the impression R&F do not consume meats.

Yes, you're right, and thanks for the link! This can be easily fixed by striking the words "roast beef" from their meal.

I have the feeling that Tuomas has something in mind for the first scene in the Alps, i.e. who will be there in the beginning and how they will convince Gwyneth and Chris to cooperate with them. Once that scene is complete, it's on to the video! Clouds, angels, and floatation tanks! Newer, hallucinatory lyrics! etc.

It seems I took very recently to the idea of just calling him Christ Martin on another thread. Just for flippancy's sake. Perhaps he can star in a rock and roll biblical epic.