AGING PARENTS

:)

My mom turned 74 yesterday, on vacation in Mexico with one of my aunts. (She goes down for two weeks around her birthday almost every year — she skipped the last two years because, y'know, pandemic, and she was pretty salty about it. We joke that she's going to visit her secret other family.)

my mom turned 75 last week, on her way to SF today. We're all in a very specific stream of experience right now.

Daddy made not one but two hilarious jokes at dinner, both in service of teasing my bro

Using only his hands.

He's still got it

Heh forks u right xpost

the eye doctor w/ dad is the sixth layer of hell. not because of him, but because these facilities never adapt to people with disabilities, and my mother acts embarrassed/annoyed/keeps dramatically apologizing when he can't do what is asked as if he has any control over it and if it doesn't make him feel bad.

looks like it's time to revisit the convo i'm tired of having w/her (has to have been 20 times already).

also trying to work remotely from here but that isn't going well, couldn't take the time off though due to a class.

My dad, 81, had a stroke a few weeks back. Luckily for him, it was a pretty mild one. It also helped the doctors discover he's about 90% blocked in his carotid artery. So, the experience may have added years to his life. My family members in general are remarkably hard to kill.

had a zoom call with my aunt and my mom's social worker this morning and he was basically like, you need to set up a new home (with 'memory care') for her in the next six months, and then kidnap her and take her there

also he's not wrong

my brother send me and my other bro a long text last week about how dad freaked him out bcs of his behaviour. Dad's in his late 70s and fairly immobile due to a hip replacment that made things worse instead of better and possible parkinsons (some sort of mild palsy anyway).

Bro had apparently organised to drop round and talk with dad about cleaning, detailling and selling his car. I dont know why that'd been decided, but apparently once he turned up and started taling about it dad got belligerent, had completely forgotten this'd been planned and then got very argumentative with my bro about anything to do with working out the price etc. But in a confused, irrational kind of way? Bro said mum was brushing it off "no thats just how he is now". Bro eventually got fed up and went home.

I mean maybe Dad's upset cos selling car = loss of independance, cars are presumably important to him (he sold them all his adult career). Having to admi he's become infirm.

But there's also the looming concern of dementia, which is what did for his own mum.

I live in another state. I see my folks one a year if I'm lucky, and I hardly even talk to them anymore. I know they'll refuse to move even though they live in a house on a steep hill so theres loads of stairs to get in the house. I dunno how much my brothers help out. I left the family home town 30 years ago, so this is all weirdly remote to me, and I'm not sure why I've gotten so emotionally detatched.

dad's been fidgeting a lot in his sleep the last few days, moving his legs around and sometimes off of the bed, and his pulse has been over 100 and he's woken up breathing heavy, though his oxygen and temperature are fine. His pulse used to be high regularly but he went on beta blockers so now it's normally in the 70s. he did tell us he felt dizzy. also, he has restless leg syndrome (as do I), so wasn't sure if that's why the constant leg movement. we also suspect dad probably has anxiety, for obvious reasons, so there's that too.

Naturally, mom's frantic nature didn't help, as first she comes in telling me dad's oxygen is at 40% when she put the oximeter on him - I had to remind mom that if it were that low, he'd be near death, that it probably slipped off, and when she retook it, of course it was like 98. then she badgers dad with a battery of questions and then gives him no time to respond, even though he's mostly non-verbal and takes a while to respond, which no doubt stressed him out.

trying to figure out whether to take him in to be checked out or what, but this was a good reminder to get a new bed rail since our last one was recalled.

pulse back to normal, so we're just gonna watch and see. honestly he's been like this on random occasions before, and we have blood pressure cuffs/oximeters/thermometers checking him regularly.

update on my above situation (I've since been out to spend time with her once, with my wife and the kid, who she hadn't been able to see in years now) and that was a good visit and my assessment at the time (mid Feb) was that she had about 2 months left, and that seems to be holding up. Her cancer has started to spread, so they were going to change the treatment this week, but it was apparent her blood ox was extremely low; a few days in the hospital indicating the cancer came back in her lungs in a manner that it's restricting oxygen. Recommendation from oncologist is going to be to stop chemo. She was hospitalized but left against medical advice today saying she was going home to her dog and is insisting she will get chemo next week. Appointment in the morning I think will disabuse her of this notion. My sister and I are handling all of this remotely while her old friend transports her to and from the hospital. They did send oxygen home with her...but she fucking smokes. So she's either going to blow herself up, or, more likely, just not use the oxygen enough, get hypoxia and pass out again (which is what happened this week). She's still alone. Sister going up next week and me a few days later...and probably remaining there for some time (but I suspect that won't last longer than the end of April at most).

Sorry to hear that, akm. Smoking is the devil. When I was in my late teens, my grandfather got me to sneak him cigarettes into the hospital where he was recovering from having surgery to remove a cancerous section of his colon. He would not, or could not, quit.

it is really insane. I say that as someone with a history of substance abuse issues, but in no way do any of them compare to the insane grip cigarettes have had on my mother. they are her only true love. she talks about how her brother taught her to smoke when she was 13. she has never once stopped. I smoked half heartedly for about 2-3 years 30 years ago and finally quit because I hated the smell on my clothes.

does anyone have any book recommendations or internet resources to support someone with a terminally ill parent? feeling pretty lost right now.

I don’t right at the moment but I wanted to say you’re not alone here, I hope you are finding some strength brimstead

thank you, mattt

i'm sorry, brimstead. i also don't know of any resources for your particular situation, but like mattt, i'm wishing you all the support and strength i can. little acts of kindness could help them, or maybe gently asking them what they need right now? it's difficult all around. <\3

Brimstead, this is not exactly what you are asking for, but I found the book Staring at the Sun, by Irvin Yalom, to be immensely helpful in addressing anxiety about death. It may be of some comfort in thinking about your own parent's passing. It doesn't really contain any practical advice about caring for someone who is terminally ill, though.

I've not read it (it came out at a time I wasn't able to tackle it) but I have heard wonderful things about Dying - A Memoir by Cory Taylor (an Australian writer). A friend was involved with it at the time and said it was a remarkable piece. https://www.textpublishing.com.au/books/dying

Being Mortal, Atul Gwande

I depended on advice and instructions from professional caregivers, but books might have helped, might help the next time, at least in getting more focused----here are a bunch, incl. authorized manuals; checking customer reviews might give a fairly clear idea of any that could be useful, possibly:https://www.amazon.com/Hospice-Palliative-Care/b?ie=UTF8&node=689744011
\

Thank you all, much appreciated <3

STRONG recommend for this book DIGGING OUT by Michael Tompkins (who you may recognize if you have watched any latter-day Hoarders, he's one of the doctors and is very compassionate -- and effective) I finally found someone to help my mom with her living situation (a professional organizer via NAPO) and she recommended it to me. I finally started reading it and wish I had known about it earlier, it would have really eased some pain.
Anyway, if you are dealing with a loved one who has a hoarding tendency/problem, this book is for you <3
https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/5132666

My dad developed complications from the surgery he underwent last week to put a stent in his carotid artery. The possibility of his death, which I thought I had reconciled myself to, has hit me much harder than I thought it would have. He seems to be making slow but steady improvements, which is good, but I'm really worried and sad about the idea of losing him, and that's something I didn't expect, given our relationship.

sorry to read about everyone else in the same/similar boat. I will say that taking ativan every morning is helping me significantly with my own anxieties about what is likely going to be a very shitty upcoming month. My mother has been hospitalized 4 times in the past week for falls caused by low blood oxygen; they kept releasing her but are now holding her until my sister arrives, at least. We are going to have to convince her to go on hospice care; I'm fairly positive they are not going to grant her more chemo treatments but she's under the delusion that they will. I've nothing against chemo in theory and it certainly has extended her life; she's lived 2 years longer than anyone expected, but it's clearly time to stop now, it's stopped working against her cancer which is spreading. I'll be heading to south dakota over the weekend and spending what I fully expect to be 2-3 weeks of hell trying to sort out what's next.

first of all, brimstead, I am so very sorry to hear about your situation, and send my best. same for akm and jimbeaux.

<3

I guess there was no second of all, sorry about that.

sending love and strength to you all!

re: books on dying, many many years ago I read Sogyal Rinpoche's The Book of Living and Dying. I had flirted with buddhism at the time, didn't commit to it as a practice, but I don't think you need to to find much of this book very comforting. Much of it has stayed with me and I'm likely going to read it again soon.

Having watched the most recent John Oliver episode my biggest current worry with my mom is that I think she owns a timeshare in Mexico that I might get saddled with when she dies. (If that turns out to be the case, I will fly down there and set the building on fire and see whether that resolves the issue.)

and make Mexico pay for it?

(jokes 7 years past expiry-date!)

I lolled

Didn't know about xpost Digging Out, thanks! A very illuminating study-saga that quincie and Elvis Telecom recommended, on this very thread, I think, is Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things, by pioneering researchers-therapists Gail Steketee (quincie's professor) and Randy Frost. I'm a bit leery of hoarding bools about hoarding (why they say they've stopped giving print-out sheets in workshops), so haven't checked their others yet---but Digging Out looks good...

Oh yeah i read STUFF back when it came out, again a few years later. It's good for understanding hoarding and its many facets. Digging Out is specifically aimed at family members trying to deal with loved ones who are exhibiting hoarding behaviors. They're both good!

thanks, that looks super helpful.

sending best wishes to akm and jimbeaux

this really sucks.

Got mom to acquiesce to home hospice since it's clear there is nothing more they can do. Not entirely sure she's fully aware of what this means, since as of earlier this morning she was telling my sister she thought God would cure her if she got more chemo. Not entirely sure how all of this will go; I'm heading there on Sunday, which is probably about when they'll send her home. I'm hoping she goes fast, the hospice nurses only come 3x a week apparently. We can't really afford to pay for any additional carers.

I am so sorry, akm.

I'm so very sorry, akm :(

thanks everyoone.

the weird thing about home hospice is it seems to be a nod-and-wink euthanasia , which I am not morally opposed to, but the vague terms the medical establishment uses leave lots of room for interpretation. For instance, in the hospital notes, it says: "Daughter is updated that while she is with her mother in the hospital to get "hands-on" with medication for comfort". this is still in the hospital. what does this even mean? beats me.

I think it's more stopping treatment of the various ailments and letting things take their course, which kind of accelerates the process. that's very much what my grandma's hospice was - mostly about keeping her comfortable and free of pain.

that note's a bit confusing in its wording but I think it's saying "she will be given medication to keep her comfortable on request and as needed".

When my mother-in-law was switched to hospice care, she was completely unconscious and died pretty much the next day. When my grandmother was, on the other hand, she lingered for a couple of weeks, with my mom basically keeping watch at her bedside all day every day. She was 99% gone, too, you couldn't talk to her or anything, but then she'd take a ragged gasping breath, scaring the shit out of my mom, and then lapse back into corpsehood. It wasn't a whole lot of fun. It sounds like your mom is still awake and aware of her surroundings, so I would say I hope it goes well, but... "well" in my experience translates to "unconscious patient, quick expiration," so... good luck.

xps speaking as someone who had my FIL die at home w/us in hospice, the "comfort" part basically means "give them as much morphine as they want, it's ok now"

I am so glad you got to this stage akm, wishing you an easy transition

my sister seems to think she will live another month, maybe two, which seems delusional to me. my mom did live much longer on chemo than originally thought, but she's about to have no medical interventions of any kind and we already suspect she had a heart attack a week ago on top of everything else.

so sorry, akm <3

i hope everything goes as well as it can, akm. i'm sorry things are like this.

Wishing you and your family the best, akm

Adding to the good wishes. I hope all can be peaceful as possible.