Meditation people roll call!

HNY! I was on retreat till the 4th. Now I'm back in the middle of the whole mess. A little more open than before, though.

I think the answer to this will be 'you need a teacher*!' but I've been meditating pretty much every/every other day for about 9 months now and am a mix of, well, I wouldn't go as far as frustrated but something like that, and something verging on *scared* - the former, I'm sure, is 100% par for the course and part of the process; the latter, I don't know, something I need guidance on? For instance, I've been steadily moving towards 20 minutes every morning and today I felt completely undercut by strong emotions, like I was falling through my own trapdoors. I teach at a secondary school and it made the day pretty much unbearable (kids smell weakness and boom!).

I can't decide if I'm just struggling with stuff emotionally anyway (fair to say I have a lot going on in my life, with an unwell teenage son, and I can be very sensitive at the best of times anyway), or whether the meditation is opening up areas and I need a handhold through it. I've read a lot recently about these kinds of experiences within practice, so could just be assigning things wrongly? Maybe the connection is irrelevant and go with it anyway? Questions, fucking questions.

Anyway, what I don't want, and I know I'll be susceptible to this, is for the practice to fade.

*or a therapist!

Do you not have a teacher now?

No teacher, mainly due to nothing particularly being available. I'm affiliated very loosely with a local Buddhist group, but nothing official or regular. It's all been self-taught from lots of reading and listening.

If you can't get a teacher and/or therapist ... (I do recommend one) ... find an amount of daily meditation that works. Something where you're stretching and growing a bit, but that you can handle.

The standard guidance I've heard is once you're meditating roughly forty minutes a day, time to get a teacher. Below that, a teacher can be very useful, but you're probably not going to get into weird territory.

Most teachers probably wouldn't see emotional release during a difficult time of your life as a problem, but that's for you to judge depending on your circumstances. Maybe meditate after work?

Another thing I'll say is that a lot of teachers are accessible via Zoom these days.

This is great advice lukas, thank you. Things have calmed down since my message upthread *and* I've managed to find a day retreat for this coming Saturday so can hopefully speak to someone about guidance/teaching.

So Buddhism has this concept of the "near enemy" of skillful qualities - e.g. it's easy to mistake pity for compassion.

Note to self re: this morning's sit ... indifference is the near enemy of equanimity.

(this message brought to you by my splenius capitis)

Or the way it occurred to me at the time (when I realized, ugh, Christ, that really hurts, and it intensified and then released) was actually "pretending it doesn't hurt is the opposite of equanimity".

Ledge it sounds like you’re in the right path - fantasizing about longer distances would seem to be a great sign! But build up to those distances gradually.

^^ wrong thread, sorry

no no, I see the connection

How's everyone getting along?

I've got about 18 months under my belt now - 4-5 times a week, 20 minutes a time. I'm also going to my local Buddhist centre a couple of times a month for guided meditation.

It's difficult to 'measure' directly but I feel 'something' is happening. I'm still unskillful a lot of the time but have a degree of distance from myself that feels new.

I'm sure it's correlation not causation but I've recently changed jobs and the process felt deliberate in a way I've not really had before - as if there were a firmer hand on the tiller or something like that.

Not a silver bullet but...

Just got back from a six-day retreat. Gorgeous location on a forested mountain. Great teacher. And we were allowed to talk at meals which was surprisingly great. I think that might be my preferred retreat model, one absorbs the vibes better when you can talk to people.

I might have said this before but meditation is a very physical process right now. Subtle tension patterns coming and going. Not much that I can look at directly to help it along, just kinda have to sit there while it works itself out.

I would like to try a retreat. Maybe just a weekend to start - to see what I can manage etc.

I'd say my process is still very cerebral/intellectual. It's more physical when I meditate in the presence of others, I think. I'm less distracted with others, somehow. There's something intangible about the shared nature of group meditation.

Anyway yes to the 'not a silver bullet' but also, dang, I should have done this years ago.

otm

China ski, I’m curious what you mean by “a degree of distance from myself” up above?

I haven’t really gotten back into a regular practice since like December, when I was in a great groove of daily meditation that really helped with calmly reflecting and handling tricky situations and overall emotional awareness. But I feel like I’m still enjoying the benefits of that so I’m not beating myself up over dropping the routine.

China ski, I’m curious what you mean by “a degree of distance from myself” up above?

I guess I'm thinking about the Pali meaning of mediation being something like 'becoming familiar with' and how this translates to 'off the cushion' experience, where now I'm much more inclined to notice habitual responses and processes - in interactions with others but also interactions with my thought processes.

Yeah when things happen I'm less often fully engulfed by them (people talk about awareness "collapsing.")