Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

Without fully realising the extent of it until summer 2020, I've had depression and anxiety issues since my teens, and I think some of it may have been seeded by the agony of being deeply closeted and terrified all the way through my adolescence: as I could neither be the person I was expected to be, nor the person who I actually was, I was left being nobody at all.

Going onto SSRIs in 2020 was the final piece in the jigsaw, and it's clear in retrospect that this should have happened years ago. I know they don't work for everyone, and I know that they don't do ALL the work, but they work astonishingly well for ME, and I feel nothing short of reborn.

To bring it back to a gay context: a couple of months ago, I finally felt ready to get laid. I'd had a major crisis of confidence around 2011 which also left me no longer interested in hooking up, so I'd stopped completely. Over the summer, I started getting the urge to get myself out there again, and the urge wouldn't go away, so my best going-out buddy and I booked a Saturday night's stay in Manchester, and I got the Tadalafils in. (Oh, and I bought a black leather harness. Well, why not.)

We went to a cruisy bar/club, I hooked up in the old-school analogue way, and the hotel was just around the corner. Turns out that if you've not hooked up in 11.5 years, the next time will be fucking INCREDIBLE. It feels good to be back in the saddle.

Welcome back!

Austin, I hope you know how much your posts have meant to me; you're also among the ilxors I'd love to kick it with irl. A big kiss.

oh shit, wrong thread, sorry, gang.

How dare you cheat on the ILXOR gay thread?!

<3 mike

i love that post mike!

Way to go mike!

Turns out that if you've not hooked up in 11.5 years, the next time will be fucking INCREDIBLE. It feels good to be back in the saddle.

love this

yes, that rules.

Swen & map, i know you've talked a bit about social anxiety and i gotta say, fwiw you are just the most masterful conversation starters.

Been thinking about depression this past week, wondering about the impact of listening to certain music as a teenager. I'm not saying it's the cause, there's a family history and i def remember major episodes that were even earlier. And I def don't wanna go all PMRC on you. But records like "The Holy Bible" that were incredibly bleak, that suck you into this... idk, I wonder if it made me a lot more more fixated on my own darker aspects than i might have been otherwise, at a really formative age, and more fixated on bad memories than good ones still to this day.

Because the other thing I've been thinking about is how I've always felt I can only be with guys who are "troubled", who have experienced crippling depression in particular. Because otherwise I feel like I'm corrupting them, or that just unavoidably i would harm them in some way. And I've been out with some really sweet & kind guys who were more lighthearted and a joy to be around, and i really liked them and they seemed to really like me but I wouldn't give it a chance because they were too healthy, in a way. That's crazy, right? i mean, it can't be good for anyone...

Where i'm at with it right now is, depression is an ongoing but secondary concern. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, it seems to have started in my early 20's with an overlapping dependent disorder. But I really took it as a death sentence in a way, like i would never be able to live a 'normal' life- i'm going to live a more reclusive, less accomplished life than most other people. And I haven't even tried to treat it or really manage it at all. I've just tried to, as much as possible, set up situations where i can thrive, where i don't have to deal with it. That was amazing for a while, in fact i was soaring, but y'know, it was also very limiting and it's run its course. So there's a recognition that i need to start grappling with my problems, but that's very recent, only in the last couple of weeks. It's the first time in a really long time that i feel like *want* to get back in the saddle.

whew there is a LOT i relate to in that post. gotta say thanks for that compliment, it really warmed me up.

i absolutely think that identity and personality and mental health criss-cross in not-always-beneficial ways for queer people.

i'm lucky that my partner right now has this very bubbly personality. he's dealt with darkness in his life and has some tastes that reflect that, but overall he's a very sparkly and sweet kind of guy. there were times when i felt like maybe that meant we weren't a match, but ultimately our differences contribute to a balance. i guess i just want to say that there are so many combinations of 'person who has good attributes overall' and 'boundaries / needs for myself', that you get to explore that and i think the fact that you want to do so is exciting. and not to be intrusive but want to suggest that you think of your problems as not so much things that you need to grapple with but just like limitations that you get to be aware of and explore. it's amazing to realize there are people out there for whom your problems aren't actually problems at all! best of luck in this new spot for you.

Well, that is honestly the best advice anyone has given me in a really long time. Thanks so much for that, truly. Your partner sounds really wonderful, I couldn't be happier for both of you. Yeah, the recognition that i can have better relationships with people who are so different to me is exciting, that we balance each other out as you say. It gives me a sense of optimism but it's also really strange to be figuring that out at my age. Turning 39 in a month, and only now figuring things out that it seems everyone else has always known. I mean better late than never but I feel stunted, like a middle aged adolescent.

Seeking out the narrowest margins where i have the most freedom as i described- it just seems like a very adolescent condition. It's also a queer condition, for sure. And certainly I've been an extreme case but clearly so many of us are dealing with age-related shame that isn't necessary.

I probably do need to develop more emotional intelligence than i have, so that relationships aren't so painful.

You know what I've been thinking? Why oh why don't they teach you this stuff in school? I can't remember anything from biology other than Kristen Plays Catch Outside Fred's Gas Station. But nobody ever taught me to breathe properly, or to manage my feelings. What the absolute goddamn fuck?

haha i'm literally only starting to take baby steps toward 'how to have relationships that are healthy' and i'm 40. they don't teach you this stuff in school because school is ultimately about discipline lol. of course those things would be on the curriculum in a healthy society. it's nice to know that other people feel the same way.

<3

Happy new year to the queers of ilx, you're a great bunch of queers.

I'm learning a lot here. Hugs.

deflatormouse, what wonderful posts that I can relate to so much. I have lots (and lots) of my own stuff - psychological, emotional and otherwise, and I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that I've lived with ptsd for most of my life without really understanding it as such. it's a lot! I have thought a lot about putting that on other folks - and I've had to be reminded again and again that relationships can handle it, and in fact, most often thrive in the honesty. still hard to remember that.

knowing your limitations is soooo important but I also know the feeling of not wanting to pigeonhole yourself. so much to keep the mind busy here!

(thank you for sharing)

how you all doing?

we had a really nice and relaxing social night with another couple last night. they made us dinner and then we just sat around watching music videos. not really much anxiety at all, felt refreshing for a change. also been taking a break from weed (only because i ran out). probably getting more this weekend but thinking i need to keep it out of work and social contexts more proactively. feeling old and weird lately. the pandemic was such a continuous present and now it's like 3 years since 2020. ok.

boyfriend basically resigned from his bad job and is hunting for something else, poor guy. i have a little extra dough so we're going to the desert this weekend. and then flying to l.a. the beginning of march for a long weekend. we've been wanting to do that trip for literally two years but had to cancel for various reasons most of them having to do with money. beach, getty, sawtelle japanese food on the agenda, and hopefully some meetups with pals.

:)

wow i haven't been to sawtelle in a hot minute. i did have very good sushi at a place called Sushi Enya in little tokyo the other night, which i immediately texted stevie about lol. hope your man's job search isn't too stressful, map.

no complaints in the new year so far, other than a weird cough that keeps coming and going at random times. it has rained so much this year already, which is kinda wild. speaking of trips, i'm thinking about taking a working vacation in the bay area sometime this spring (trying to save up actual vacation days since i basically blew through all of mine last year). i ventured to seattle by myself last year and i think i wanna make a yearly solo trip a recurring thing. partner and i always travel and do things together and i love it, but i think it's also nice to be somewhere unfamiliar on one's own every so often.

also got a haircut last weekend. always a nice confidence boost!

aw i didn't realize stevie was a sushi fan <3. on j's job hunt, thank you, so far so good, i'm actually less stressed since he left that exploitative situation lol. he has some good fallback options just in case.

haircuts are always nice, been shaving my head for a few years but i splurge on a beard trim now and then. did so the other day and it's amazing how much a few expert snips can do for you.

sorry about that cough, i have a lingering one myself. and yes solo travel can be wonderful.

our mountain range's snow pack is at 200% for this time of year, which is only good news for us. i hope all the moisture means a mellower wildfire season but somehow i doubt it.

Y'all sound like you're doing okay :)

I'm planning a solo trip to Ireland in late February. I have no problem with them.

xp re: sawtelle, it only makes sense because we're staying in west l.a. in a little budget motel. we'll be bussing around but would definitely take a ride closer to your hood for a meet up.

oo how exciting re: ireland! what's on your to do list?

nice that things seem to be going swell, map.

all’s well here, i am teaching six courses of varying lengths between now and May, so I’m a little nervous about my state over the next few months, but figure it’ll be okay, just more talking.

lots of good news and publications on the horizon with my poetry, which is good.

t and i are doing well, he is also between jobs at the moment which means we see each other a lot more, though that will end in the next week. it’s been overall great for our relationship, i think, being in between jobs and semesters at the same time. as he said to me, it’s the first time we’ve both been on an extended break from work since we began dating.

we’re currently planning a trip for my parents to meet his side of the family that lives in O’ahu. feels a little insane that it’s never happened since we’re coming up on 12 years together (in April), but it seems the right time.

anyway, despite my recent bouts of being an asshole on here, i am feeling pretty well— we had a great new year and 2023 looks better to me than 2022

i also love traveling alone, donna and alfred.

Pretty amazing find here:

Hi everyone, today I'm uploading the first 20 issues of New York Native newspaper scanned off microfiche to archive dot org. Probably NYC's premier gay newspaper in the '80s, they were first reporters on the AIDS crisis. You can find the first issue here:https://t.co/R5y523uC0m pic.twitter.com/jWWJ3JPRAx

— Leah Tigers (@9BillionTigers) January 18, 2023

oh wow, that's nifty. would be curious to glance through.

thanks for the updates, everyone. tabes I don't think you've been an ass. I mean, no more than we all get to be, sometimes.

MAP! I am doing the EXACT same thing with weed. it had to crescendo I guess before I could understand exactly what it was doing to me. I took an edible one day and the anxiety machine inside my body skyrocketed to another level. it was surreal. so for the moment, I'm off weed and caffeine - weed, specifically in work and social situations, as you say. feels great. curious to see how it'll go once I start indulging for music and alone time etc.

I like to hear of everyone's travels, and respective breaks from work. how lovely. I unfortunately have not had much of either, and work is a relative disaster at the moment. it's fairly useless going into it, other than to say that this year is going to be a slog and I have no hope for a raise until next, at a time when 2 rolls of paper towel cost $8 and a coffee $6. what is happening. I'm trying to remain grateful - it's my New Year's resolution - but I haven't been succeeding much lately, instead focusing on sequestering myself off from the world and writing in my journal. lol I don't mean to sound so nihilistic, it's just ... a dark tunnel at the moment. we'll see how a week off next week plays into my mood.

oh a week off! it sounds like you really need it - glad that's coming your way.

i've been on an emotional rollercoaster lately which is business as usual lol. i was very tired last week. feeling somewhat better this week. the whole hook up / play on the side thing .. sometimes feel like i'm just too much of a mess emotionally to manage that tbh. feel like it's cutting back / cutting things out season for me.

we went to an opera yesterday! (daughter of the regiment.) surprised by how swept away i was, and how comfortable the whole experience was (except for opera queens sizing me up during the intermission haha). i'm definitely going to more symponies, operas, etc. this year, much more enjoyable for me than a movie i think.

that's awesome. i work at an opera house! :D

emotional rollercoaster ... is pretty much my MO. lol.

hyd today?

hey swen, feeling pretty darn good, and yourself?

awww good! yeah i dunno i'm taking things very calmly today - waiting for the other shoe to drop lol. beautiful day here which is perking me up. listening to livin' on a prayer radio haha :P :P :P

lol i love that for you, sorry to be saying that cliche but it's true! i feel ya on the 'ambient anxiety about looming stuff' situation. taking things calmly sure helps. i've been thinking about a negative interaction i have to deal with on a weekly basis and i've resolved to take the heat out of it and set a firm boundary instead.

love it. i'm doing something similar psychologically today - realizing that there's always going to be a deluge of work and stress so there's no point in rushing it. one step at a goddamn time. :D

what have you been listening to lately (besides opera, which i love for YOU!)? ;-)

haha, i've been listening to metal and sort of vibing to the religious aspect of it, like magical beliefs and stuff but all directed towards evil and death. it's a good way to process pain XD

can i namedrop for a second? i got propositioned on scruff by a4r0n of h0nch0, the dj / dance music group out of p1ttsburgh. he lives in s4lt l4ke 6 months out of the year i guess, to ski afaict. he's pretty hot but idk seems wisest to keep 'nsa' and 'dj' separate. also probably rich and i don't rly like hooking up with rich dudes, it leaves me with sour grapes. i had a good jo thinking about it though lol.

hey y'all

happy to read about some measure of peace here

and piece! lol

whhat! you have to hook up with him! he's hella cute.

also love your metal music catharsis, right there wit u

hmmmm ok girl you are 'tipping' me the other way

i MEAN come on what are girlfriends for, thicc beard boy + music is an easy win

man y'all

stop talking about pieces and tips

I've two hours left in the office before I go home

What's a piece?

a little bit o’ cake

donna!

with some rose hip herbal tea to wash it down.

:D :D :D

mm best song about cake

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XlI7FzN8Pcw

https://media.tenor.com/5Qwph1nu5GcAAAAd/labyrinth-david-bowie.gif

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=leK4eoqwmfU

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRxViRWEaSE

https://flxt.tmsimg.com/assets/p11069125_p_v8_ab.jpg