Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

I'm from here originally; maybe just a midlife wanderlust crisis

T and I both love driving, but I drive a majority of the time because I grew up in the area where we live so know how to get everywhere without looking at a phone.

In case anyone has free time this afternoon, I'll be reading some poems (about anal) at the end of this event, which is a conversation between the director of Visual AIDS and Ted Kerr, an artist and AIDS activist. https://brooklynrail.org/events/2022/12/08/visual-aids/

(It is happening now)

i don't think i've been to a party where i wasn't djing since maybe before the pandemic, maybe longer than that? when i quit drinking i basically quit going out because being social in a group setting was too difficult. we went to a joint birthday party last night at a house downtown owned by someone my husband dated many years ago and still has a little crush on. it was a little awkward because of that and because a lot of the people who were going to my sunday tea dance over the summer were there. with almost all of them i made some noise about wanting to get together and then just kinda ghosting and ignoring them. one guy's name i forgot and asked whereupon he scowled at me, playfully i hope. one couple we had agreed to have a play date with, we've been out to dinner with a few times, but now we're realizing we don't have any chemistry with them so i guess that's just going to be awkward now.

anyway, in spite of all that furtive anxious energy and feeling like a weird scraggly boo radley, it was pretty enjoyable. i had the handsomest fellow give me doe eyes whereupon i immediately froze like a deer in headlights and made a beeline for the porch outside. there was a drag show to watch and i had one good conversation. an old friend showed up with a new boyfriend, it was warm and then weird. we were only there for an hour. i gotta start forcing myself to do this more often or i'm not going to have any friends in my 40s.

this morning i had a really hot rendezvous with a big meaty batch of muscles from the gym. he hit me up for it, gratefully, i'm glad i was able to attract him. great energy, lots of talent in bed, husband material for a go-getter but a personality i can only take limited amounts of and i'm happy with my goofy beautiful husband who i have a deep and basic love for. feeling really happy i can have both as i start consuming only clear liquids the day before my first colonoscopy.

omg what a packed post! listen it sounds like you're properly living.

also I don't think it has to be awkward with that couple, I mean shit happens - like all the time. I've learned the hard way that you know what - you survive awkward. ya just do.

:)))))

thanks swen! haha i was autotyping because i was hungry i think?

how i see this time of year is that we have a little over a week and a half and i get the wonderful gift of no more christmas music, but i hope you all are doing your best you as we slide into the solstice!

i meannnnnnn

my best might be a stretch but i am being creative in my spare time which was not the story for a hot minute

lmme ask u - push ups v bench press?

i love the bench press

the realest thing to do laid out on your stomach imo is https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bhujangasana or https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dhanurasana

omg i do that!!!!!!!

omg i do that!!!!!!!

whenever I'm done with my push-ups I get into that pose and it feels fucking amazing

cobra pose that is

the other one i would kill myself

whenever I'm done with my push-ups I get into that pose and it feels fucking amazing

― Swen, Saturday, December 17, 2022 7:53 PM (one week ago) bookmarkflaglink

hell yeah.

honestly no shade but i will NEVER do matching xmas sweater / pyjama selfies over the holidays. yours are all cute of course!

especially djp's, you guys are hot

I used to be so effing good at Dhanurasana pose -- I will be again soon

it's a tough one, i can get halfway there. breathing in it is a real challenge for me. these days anything that helps decompress my lower spine from sitting too much is my jam.

agreed

how do we all do with depression in here?

2022 was my most depressed year in nearly a decade-and-a-half. I've been receiving treatment for it for about that long--which itself was way later than I probably should have sought help. I've likely suffered from it all my life, but the first time I really noticed it taking control of my life was in, like, 1996-97, with notable peaks and valleys in the decades since.

There is a thread elsewhere on the board on this topic if you are looking for general questions/discussion (Depression and what it's really like) but using this space to discuss particularly queer concerns re: mental health is not a terrible idea (I think).

No real depression here; anxiety yes, but depression no. Especially when I'm not drinking

hey yeah, i like this question. long story short for me: it's gotten better over the past 5 years. i'm sensitive and prone to melancholy from the get-go but changing some external factors has helped what had turned into some depression, i guess i'd describe it as medium-grade in intensity. exercise is also helpful for me, i do a lot of it and follow it like it's a drug regimen. i still feel like i'm batshit crazy and deal with social anxiety, etc, but actual depressive episodes are fewer in frequency and don't last as long as they used to.

i'm sorry that your 2022 was like that crypto.

Thanks, map.

It has been a rough few years in general: COVID, obviously, but also the loss of three family members in as many years, others still dealing with some fairly serious illnesses, the stress of finishing up a dissertation in the midst of all of this…I’m sure it all contributes. Glad to see this year go, and hoping it represents the end of a particularly shitty era.

map making us all blush up in here

No anxiety or depression, just looking across a narrowing abyss at the half-century mark and going "Hi...?"

I wasn’t depressed but then I got an AARP mailer and then tried to travel after the shitshow snow storm

I have had my moments this year, but much of what has driven my depression and anxiety the past few years melted away to a certain extent because I just began forgiving my body again after cancer and surgery and gaining a bit more weight than I wanted. Now I’m bouldering V8, bicycling a fair amount and feel robust but also don’t beat myself up if I don’t feel great or things have been wild and I’ve been drinking a few more beers a week as a result.

I am trying to make peace with being close to 40 and not feeling like a professional in my field, but alas, I know a lot of that feeling is driven by situations beyond my control, at this juncture.

My big goal for next year is to write more prose. Sounds stupid, but up until recently, there were years when I found the process excruciating. I suddenly hit a groove again recently, so!

that's awesome. it's so hard to keep the creative juices flowing. I went through a few months this year when I wasn't working on anything, and it was pretty awful. keeping a creative routine takes a lot, but it's usually worth it. for me it's a lot about how hard I've failed in the past, and mustering up the courage to keep being an amateur. but I've come to the realization lately that there really is no other choice.

i feel you cryps. this year has felt awful. so i had the cancer, but it's also felt like a perfect storm of other things. I guess some of them have more to do with the cancer then I sometimes realize. I also had to worry about my job for a while, so all in all just a dismal year. depression has definitely flourished. I'm very ready to close the book and try to recenter. if you have any guided breath work videos to throw my way, I'll be gladly receptive!

Without fully realising the extent of it until summer 2020, I've had depression and anxiety issues since my teens, and I think some of it may have been seeded by the agony of being deeply closeted and terrified all the way through my adolescence: as I could neither be the person I was expected to be, nor the person who I actually was, I was left being nobody at all.

Going onto SSRIs in 2020 was the final piece in the jigsaw, and it's clear in retrospect that this should have happened years ago. I know they don't work for everyone, and I know that they don't do ALL the work, but they work astonishingly well for ME, and I feel nothing short of reborn.

To bring it back to a gay context: a couple of months ago, I finally felt ready to get laid. I'd had a major crisis of confidence around 2011 which also left me no longer interested in hooking up, so I'd stopped completely. Over the summer, I started getting the urge to get myself out there again, and the urge wouldn't go away, so my best going-out buddy and I booked a Saturday night's stay in Manchester, and I got the Tadalafils in. (Oh, and I bought a black leather harness. Well, why not.)

We went to a cruisy bar/club, I hooked up in the old-school analogue way, and the hotel was just around the corner. Turns out that if you've not hooked up in 11.5 years, the next time will be fucking INCREDIBLE. It feels good to be back in the saddle.

Welcome back!

Austin, I hope you know how much your posts have meant to me; you're also among the ilxors I'd love to kick it with irl. A big kiss.

oh shit, wrong thread, sorry, gang.

How dare you cheat on the ILXOR gay thread?!

<3 mike

i love that post mike!

Way to go mike!

Turns out that if you've not hooked up in 11.5 years, the next time will be fucking INCREDIBLE. It feels good to be back in the saddle.

love this

yes, that rules.

Swen & map, i know you've talked a bit about social anxiety and i gotta say, fwiw you are just the most masterful conversation starters.

Been thinking about depression this past week, wondering about the impact of listening to certain music as a teenager. I'm not saying it's the cause, there's a family history and i def remember major episodes that were even earlier. And I def don't wanna go all PMRC on you. But records like "The Holy Bible" that were incredibly bleak, that suck you into this... idk, I wonder if it made me a lot more more fixated on my own darker aspects than i might have been otherwise, at a really formative age, and more fixated on bad memories than good ones still to this day.

Because the other thing I've been thinking about is how I've always felt I can only be with guys who are "troubled", who have experienced crippling depression in particular. Because otherwise I feel like I'm corrupting them, or that just unavoidably i would harm them in some way. And I've been out with some really sweet & kind guys who were more lighthearted and a joy to be around, and i really liked them and they seemed to really like me but I wouldn't give it a chance because they were too healthy, in a way. That's crazy, right? i mean, it can't be good for anyone...

Where i'm at with it right now is, depression is an ongoing but secondary concern. A couple of years ago I was diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder, it seems to have started in my early 20's with an overlapping dependent disorder. But I really took it as a death sentence in a way, like i would never be able to live a 'normal' life- i'm going to live a more reclusive, less accomplished life than most other people. And I haven't even tried to treat it or really manage it at all. I've just tried to, as much as possible, set up situations where i can thrive, where i don't have to deal with it. That was amazing for a while, in fact i was soaring, but y'know, it was also very limiting and it's run its course. So there's a recognition that i need to start grappling with my problems, but that's very recent, only in the last couple of weeks. It's the first time in a really long time that i feel like *want* to get back in the saddle.

whew there is a LOT i relate to in that post. gotta say thanks for that compliment, it really warmed me up.

i absolutely think that identity and personality and mental health criss-cross in not-always-beneficial ways for queer people.

i'm lucky that my partner right now has this very bubbly personality. he's dealt with darkness in his life and has some tastes that reflect that, but overall he's a very sparkly and sweet kind of guy. there were times when i felt like maybe that meant we weren't a match, but ultimately our differences contribute to a balance. i guess i just want to say that there are so many combinations of 'person who has good attributes overall' and 'boundaries / needs for myself', that you get to explore that and i think the fact that you want to do so is exciting. and not to be intrusive but want to suggest that you think of your problems as not so much things that you need to grapple with but just like limitations that you get to be aware of and explore. it's amazing to realize there are people out there for whom your problems aren't actually problems at all! best of luck in this new spot for you.

Well, that is honestly the best advice anyone has given me in a really long time. Thanks so much for that, truly. Your partner sounds really wonderful, I couldn't be happier for both of you. Yeah, the recognition that i can have better relationships with people who are so different to me is exciting, that we balance each other out as you say. It gives me a sense of optimism but it's also really strange to be figuring that out at my age. Turning 39 in a month, and only now figuring things out that it seems everyone else has always known. I mean better late than never but I feel stunted, like a middle aged adolescent.

Seeking out the narrowest margins where i have the most freedom as i described- it just seems like a very adolescent condition. It's also a queer condition, for sure. And certainly I've been an extreme case but clearly so many of us are dealing with age-related shame that isn't necessary.

I probably do need to develop more emotional intelligence than i have, so that relationships aren't so painful.

You know what I've been thinking? Why oh why don't they teach you this stuff in school? I can't remember anything from biology other than Kristen Plays Catch Outside Fred's Gas Station. But nobody ever taught me to breathe properly, or to manage my feelings. What the absolute goddamn fuck?

haha i'm literally only starting to take baby steps toward 'how to have relationships that are healthy' and i'm 40. they don't teach you this stuff in school because school is ultimately about discipline lol. of course those things would be on the curriculum in a healthy society. it's nice to know that other people feel the same way.

<3

Happy new year to the queers of ilx, you're a great bunch of queers.

I'm learning a lot here. Hugs.

deflatormouse, what wonderful posts that I can relate to so much. I have lots (and lots) of my own stuff - psychological, emotional and otherwise, and I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that I've lived with ptsd for most of my life without really understanding it as such. it's a lot! I have thought a lot about putting that on other folks - and I've had to be reminded again and again that relationships can handle it, and in fact, most often thrive in the honesty. still hard to remember that.

knowing your limitations is soooo important but I also know the feeling of not wanting to pigeonhole yourself. so much to keep the mind busy here!

(thank you for sharing)

how you all doing?

we had a really nice and relaxing social night with another couple last night. they made us dinner and then we just sat around watching music videos. not really much anxiety at all, felt refreshing for a change. also been taking a break from weed (only because i ran out). probably getting more this weekend but thinking i need to keep it out of work and social contexts more proactively. feeling old and weird lately. the pandemic was such a continuous present and now it's like 3 years since 2020. ok.

boyfriend basically resigned from his bad job and is hunting for something else, poor guy. i have a little extra dough so we're going to the desert this weekend. and then flying to l.a. the beginning of march for a long weekend. we've been wanting to do that trip for literally two years but had to cancel for various reasons most of them having to do with money. beach, getty, sawtelle japanese food on the agenda, and hopefully some meetups with pals.

:)

wow i haven't been to sawtelle in a hot minute. i did have very good sushi at a place called Sushi Enya in little tokyo the other night, which i immediately texted stevie about lol. hope your man's job search isn't too stressful, map.

no complaints in the new year so far, other than a weird cough that keeps coming and going at random times. it has rained so much this year already, which is kinda wild. speaking of trips, i'm thinking about taking a working vacation in the bay area sometime this spring (trying to save up actual vacation days since i basically blew through all of mine last year). i ventured to seattle by myself last year and i think i wanna make a yearly solo trip a recurring thing. partner and i always travel and do things together and i love it, but i think it's also nice to be somewhere unfamiliar on one's own every so often.

also got a haircut last weekend. always a nice confidence boost!