Blue Saturday

teenage angst has paid off,
well now i'm shit and old

sorry NV, much love

and thanks and love to everyone who said nice things to me! sorry I didn't have the energy to respond at the time

Hey aps! I keep meaning to bump that favourite ilx posters thread or whatever its called, cos I so want to put you on there but at the same time I don't want embarrass you because its kind of an awkward thread sometimes. This seems like a better place though, so I'm going to park that sentiment here instead. Always enjoy your posts except for those where you're feeling sad :( Hope you're on top of things now, sorry for any cringe this post might bring.

+ big love to NV of course, I'm sorry you're struggling right now

thank you Nick, and thank you spacey

here's Barbara Dixon and Elaine Paige asking why am i falling apart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2SDInk6voA

speaking to my kind, supportive line manager on Friday about returning to work and i assure her it's not the job that's the problem, i like the job (mental reservation: as much as any job)

and now it's sunday and the anxiety bubbling up curdling into clots of recklessness and resentment and mostly just i don't know what, a sac of restlessness that i float around in helplessly

and it's not the job. it's jobs. it's this life. it's this world.

The job, like the world, is better for having you in it though - I'm aware that's probably minimal help.

when you're falling off a very high cliff there are moments when the necessity of gravity is kinda joyous

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7k6WKHc0tq0

https://i.imgur.com/dOZz7ny.jpeg

that's real alright

look after yrself NV, we ♥️ u

i feel incredibly ill and incredibly fake all at once

just had a little inner debate about whether the GP would give me a fake blood test to keep me quiet, guess that was a stupid thing to think even momentarily

i could just, y'know, stop being like this. why don't i? why won't i? why aren't i doing anything about it? (there is nothing of value to do)

this post brought to you in heavy parentheses, i will try to chat shit about the ephemera of the day elsewhere

i wish i was better at loving and caring and

not just a lip service gloss on my gross endless

solipsism

i wish

i

remember you can't die remember you will die

❤️

Yeah, what he said.

I'm sorry for drama posting

Thanks both

Drink to the men who protect you and I
Drink, drink, drain your glass, raise your glass high

Drink, drink, drain your glass

Gimme a double, give yourself one two
Gimme a short beer, one for you too
And a toast to everything that doesn't move

i don't understand how i can be living a life that makes me so unhappy but be incapable of changing the slightest thing

don't even know if it's therapeutic to moan. such a self-inflicted mess, such a repetitive attention suck, such a waste. just the worst. endless cyclical pitypoorme. ugh. uggho

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Fd7P4OFXgAAzq_W?format=jpg&name=small

Aderyn :(

It's raining, it's pouring, my love life is boring me to tears

Spent 15 minutes debating with myself the value of typing out how bad I feel

Maybe it shd be something else

Maybe abandon everything

keep plugging through the mud nv, never know when you might hit firmer ground. sending hugs!

Thank you bud

please stop thinking about killing myself I promise I won't kill my myself I can't stop thinking about killing myself

If it helps in the slightest, I hope you're all right.

Is there anyone you can phone?

Please don’t kill yourself

i'm sorry i shdn't have written that out

i'm sure i'm not gonna

the noise of it has been bouncing round my head all week tho

thanks both for responding

stupid thing: i've done safeguarding as part of work stuff for years, if i was checking in on myself i'd be "ok no immediate plans, no immediate risk"

so i guess i know that this noise is not full emergency but ffs i'm just a bit tired of it

No pressure from here but this internet rando quite likes your posts so please stick around. Plus, your new user name is pretty much my essence. Apart from the 'full of beans' bit.

guilty confession is i have an uncontrollable moptop

I've been told to tell you that the bald community will let this one pass and will not be taking any further action!

sorry for edgelord

surely you mean shinelord?

lol

it's only recently I've discovered that sometimes talking about desperately unpalatable shit that is going on in your life in a semi formal kind of manner with a mh worker can actually help. But now after 6 months of it they've closed my file for now because there are other similar basket-cases like me who are needing help and they have to ration it out. I don't know what point I'm trying to make here, but I think sometimes it does help to get things in the open - even if it isn't good stuff.

i've had to sit thru 4 zoom lectures about CBT just to earn the right to get a counsellor. irony is i've been making solid progress since the start of the year, this weekend has been a wobble but i'll get thru. the internal suicide mantra, been a week or more, idk i think it might be my inner demon shouting louder for want of attention

problem with self-loathing is how can you be sure you're not right?

i think i wish i could unstick my gears, but i'm not sure if i don't revel in being stuck, else why would i stick like this?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pOe92skrBg

I have started to say
"A quarter of a century"
Or "thirty years back"
About my own life.

It makes me breathless
It's like falling and recovering
In huge gesturing loops
Through an empty sky.

All that's left to happen
Is some deaths (my own included).
Their order, and their manner,
Remain to be learnt

Huge passages of time have the capability to really mess with your mind and sense of self.

I still have things on my mental 'to do' list that I added in the early 2000s and haven't got round to yet - and that seems like just a few years ago. I alternate between despair/regret at 30 -40 years gone, and the thought that it's meaningless to think about now those years have vanished into the past. The only thing that matters - if anything matters about those years - is whether they contained beautiful or interesting moments that I appreciated at the time. Hopefully more interesting and beautiful moments to come.

Sometimes when I’m half awake I think of a pleasant memory from 20 years ago and it puts me in a nice relaxed state and I fall back asleep

i think mostly i don't "regret" because time's an unstoppable movement and as you say Bob it's kind of meaningless. the loops and whooshes in that Larkin poem tho - i remember reading it at 18 and understanding what was said but not having any sense of that feeling. now that feeling and that poem spend days hanging around

I have more problems with the present I think: eg often instead of enjoying this present moment, I’m so often cranky and irritable from the indignities of life and unable to relax despite my best intentions and the knowledge that I’m just sabotaging myself.