no boys allowed in the room!!!!

oh hai I just wanted to say that I really appreciated everyone's posts which gave me a lot to think about and a lot I agreed with! and I was full of enthusiasm for replying to various points once I worked out where to start

and then my mood/energy crashed again and I didn't post anything, but I didn't want anyone to think I'd been scared off/upset by/just plain ignoring their very good posts. I'd really just have been posting 3 pages of quotes interspersed with "yes, this" anyway tbh, so I'll just put "yes, all of this!" here and hope it will suffice (for now, or maybe in general)

fucking gender norms imo indeed

todd, it doesn't _matter_, i'm not going to have sex with you

irl lol ... and otm re the male privilege. ... women (at least in my vague recollection of Lacanian theory related to film) are always the imaginary (the fantasy, the object of projection) ... as opposed to men, who "get to be" the symbolic and can construct identity through language and narrative (in that they control such things)

Every time I come back here it’s a mistake. Male discomfort will always be prioritised over female pain here.

A reflection of the world we live in :(
Sucks. I’m finally at the point where I don’t think the benefit of casual jib jab outweighs the vom factor.

I don't know if it's getting worse, I'm noticing it more, or if I'm getting more and more outraged at essentially the same thing as I get older. (In general, not just here)

My ability to call out bullshit has improved — my detection has always been strong but when it came to calling it out I would often find myself too vulnerable/upset to say anything. I don’t care why (probably age) but idgaf anymore.

Obviously I don't have much of a personal perspective on whether or not it's getting worse. It's one of the things that keeps me coming back here, honestly, knowing that I used to be like that myself. So guys behaving like that, I don't think it's a gender thing at all, I just think it's pure uncut ignorance. It fascinated me enough, what went down Sunday, that I wrote a 3,000 word essay about it Monday morning.

I don't know. I want to believe it is better. I want to believe that the men who do take us seriously - and a lot of men don't - take us more seriously.

Probably the first time I understood this aspect of being a woman... I don't remember when exactly it was, but it was before my egg cracked, before I even came out to myself. I made some entirely innocuous, milquetoast statement looking at things from... just looking at things from a woman's perspective, seeing things how a woman might see it, over on Reddit. Jesus I got downvoted so fucking hard on that one. Like we're talking Kelvin levels of karma on that post. That was about the time I quit posting to Reddit.

What surprised me most about the response on Sunday was that it was only about one or two people, only one guy really, and someone actually angrily pointed out to him how egregiously, ludicrously awful what he'd said was. Yeah, it was "That's my sister you're talking about, asshole", the thing where you have to basically _personally attack a guy's sister_ for him to take offense, but I mean, a lot of guys, they won't even stand up for their own sister that way.

I like that ILX is a small board, these days. I think on a larger board I would've been dogpiled for saying the stuff I said. My feeling is less "I can't believe people can be that awful" and more "I can't believe I got away with saying the shit I said". Maybe I'm too pessimistic about men, but I spent 40 years listening to what they said about us behind our backs, when they thought we weren't listening. Compared with what I heard there, the stuff on this board is... encouraging.

That's why I'm here, mostly. I don't really spend a lot of time around cis men. It's sort of... a controlled, safe environment, for me. No transphobia, not enough people left for a dogpile. It's as close as I get to feeling safe on the public Internet.

For me, June really brought it home just how much they fucking _hate_ women. I mean, I knew they hated _me_, but it's not just me, it's not just women _like_ me, it's _all of us_. That's what I took from June. Even though June wasn't, by and large, anything to do with me, it still changed me.

oh shit you were talking about a _different thread_ i see now

My ability to call out bullshit has improved — my detection has always been strong but when it came to calling it out I would often find myself too vulnerable/upset to say anything. I don’t care why (probably age) but idgaf anymore.

fwiw i really appreciate all of you on here who are still calling it out. my default response these days is eye roll, "close tab".

Apparently I missed something? Ah well, probably for the best.

I have lost a lot of tolerance for bloviating, which makes some posters just too much for me.

woke feminist dudes of ilx posting everything EXCEPT any interest in where the sixish women of ilx are in all of this

what was that even about?

This was when Roe v Wade was repealed.

figures

I think stuff like that is related to the way that marginalized groups have used social media to self-segregate ... as in, this thread, being an example ... and I feel like there is also a connection to factionalization of the Left, in that, when you have the benefit of a self-segregated group away from the dominant identity, going back to the larger group of "comrades" and having to often fight to be heard / seen / taken seriously is less appealing.

* should probably just be "the internet" and not just "social media" ... you can probably trace it back to usenet era

I am a fan of many ilxbros but man, as a collective their feminism feels quite performative.

also sarahell otm

I am a fan of many ilxbros but man, as a collective their feminism feels quite performative.

― mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Wednesday, November 9, 2022 11:12 AM (thirty-five minutes ago)

yeah! ... I think I tend to just "ignore and avoid" because the conversations/arguments are mainly for each other / with each other ... with non-bros as potential audience, as opposed to, uh, equal participants? idk. I guess I admire their confidence in a way.

I forget where we (and/or ILX in general) were discussing this, but it's like there's a default identity in threads.

There is a "subject position" (sorry for academic) that it is assumed the majority holds in a thread, and it will vary from thread to thread (e.g. regional threads will assume that the poster/reader lives in that area or is "from" there, though some assume that way more intensively than others). If you don't have that "default identity," it is common for people just not to post. Those that do, again depending on the thread, will either be welcomed and/or deferred to, or shot down/dismissed. But, it's a risk on the part of the poster, right? Is it worth taking?

Sorry Roz.

not at all, i knew it was going to get some folks riled up and that I prob wasn’t going to able to respond adequately as I’m on a whole different time zone to the rest of ilx

thank you though, I really appreciated your posts

It’s not even that, it’s like, I don’t think I even knew your background and I immediately got where you were coming from because I read your fucking post. But, you know. I was just really annoyed reading all that. So much bloviating.

lol yeah this is why I generally don’t post on film threads

I just couldn’t ignore it today because people were saying careless things about a film with a very careless ending

bracing myself for the response to me saying its not chill for a band to write only violently misogynistic rape anthems on the metal thread, but i know it, having been posted by me, is more likely to just be ignored :)

i do remember the last time i brought this up being condescended to by jd for not understanding trauma or whatever

Hey!

I am not in that thread but yeah. I totally feel you. It is bad, right? It’s not just me?

it is bad

Ps on an entirely different note, I need to know, do you still like classic Tim Lincecum?

about 10 years ago i brought up the fact that folks didn't respond to the things i said in there, that then someone else would say the same things and get a response, and someone said it (my sentiment) "felt like high school"

YES i still live for The Franchise lol

Yeah. I know most of the replies are probably not gendered per se but fuck me if the tendency to bloviate and talk over people isn’t so very male.

It didn’t even happen to me and I’m still angry a load of American men queued up to tell Roz the racism in Tár was explainable through increasingly convoluted explanations.

xp ok I am into him like a million years late, I have a thread in baseball that is about me getting into baseball and is strongly likely to be relevant to your interests

PS did you know he attended the women’s march????

PPS
https://cdn.vox-cdn.com/uploads/chorus_asset/file/11573497/D4rn4kA.gif

(Suggest we take this part of the convo to my thread? Or email? Idk!)

about 10 years ago i brought up the fact that folks didn't respond to the things i said in there, that then someone else would say the same things and get a response, and someone said it (my sentiment) "felt like high school"

i did not know he attended the women's march but i love that!!

i know what you mean with the responses not being specifically gendered...but also its like, the context is heavily gendered, we live in a society!!! lol. to not consider that makes your message fucked up. you cant opt out

It’s also Quite The Thing for people to be like, oh you complain too much, like

do you want things to get worse? Clearly you would prefer my silence

Idk idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

lol y'all talking about my "homeboy" ... Tim L is like Steph Curry ... he not only plays/played for the Bay, but reps the values the area is known for.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Let’s just say I understand those of you who stopped bothering a lot more today!

"young pussy" ...

i remember people making fun of momus (+ occasionally actually criticizing him) for fetishizing asian women, but did ILX ever come at momus for being a rapist / "dating" a 14 year old child when he was in his 30s

ew.

The old thread where this is discussed has some incredibly eyebrow-rasing defending going on in it too.

So yeah I guess some ppl did? (JW in particular)

I don’t remember that thread!

gross.

I didnt either, I googled Momus dating 14 yr old and an old ILX thread is one of the first hits lol

I didn’t encounter much first-hand momus back in the day (was he mostly on ilm?), and definitely wasn’t aware of this but i dunno, very much in character maybe? Fucking ugh just NO

Is this the thread where it’s discussed?

Britain's youngest mother

oof that whole thread :/

had no idea about this either. and he married her when she was 17? fucking hell

Shazna said: "I was only 14 and I had a crush on a boy who was a fan of Nick's music.

"But the relationship never got off the ground and I wrote a letter to Nick telling him. It was a kind of agony aunt letter.

"He wrote a very nice letter back to me and said that we should meet some time and talk.

"Months later we met and got on really well."

Sounds like….. grooming. I’m never ever going to believe there’s any reason a mid-30s man would be friends with a 14yr old girl.