AGING PARENTS

Qunicie OTM about having an attorney walk you through the process -- requirements for declaration of incapacity can differ state-to-state and even county-to-county. Unless there are some wrinkles here that I'm not aware of, you shouldn't need an elder law specialist per se; any atty who works with estates/trusts/wills will be fine.

My advice from personal experience: I know this process can be emotional/painful, but it is better to get started too early than too late. When we got into my mom's financial/medical statements, we found that she had given out her credit card number to pretty much anyone who called her on the phone and asked for it; we were on the phone for about a week cancelling recurring charges where she had signed up for one thing or another. We also found her Medicare number in the wild; insurers will cold-call the elderly and go into the 'we can save you money on your supplemental insurance, just give us your Medicare number, tell us that you have no preexisting conditions, and we'll do the rest!' spiel. And then there's the durable medical equipment (braces, etc.) fraudsters. And then the pitches for genetic testing for cancer, etc. We didn't incur any serious losses, but unfortunately there are a good number of predators out there.

definitely do this before a major election ... I have an elderly client (through a friend who has POA), and before he got the POA, the client had donated thousands of dollars to campaign fundraisers who called her on the phone.

I may have some Aging Parent stuff to share but might have to wait until light of day or afterwards.

Thank you to everyone who has responded. The good news is my mother seems to be still sharp enough to avoid scams (she gripes about wanting to get rid of her land line because she gets so many robocalls). The bad news is that a doctor probably would not find her incapable. (She probably COULD improve her living situation herself, but for whatever reason she DOESN'T do so.)

A neighbor contacted my sister because of a pest problem. I hope the neighbor will report this to the county, because this might light a fire under her.

I saw a reference to "geriatric social workers." Does this sound like the sort of person to help negotiate a solution between my mother, my sister, and myself? (I was already considering looking for a two-bedroom place in order to take in my mother, even though my sister has repeatedly said we'd drive each other crazy in no time.)

what type of pests? ... I don't know where your mother lives, but in general, I would not be eager for this to be reported to authorities, because it might lead to problems you really don't want to have.

Geriatric care managers. In MoCo, I like Suzy Murphy at the group formerly known as Deborah Levy Associates.

https://care-manager.com/

Also Amy Silver: http://eldercareopts.com/?page_id=15

I live in a neckbeard nest, and I was able to get my roach problem down to a normal level without having to do too much cleaning. Just bring the exterminators in.

those Harris Roach Pills always severely reduced the problem for me when I inherited an infested apartment (ugh), exterminators took care of the rest.

might not eradicate them, but will prevent massive, overwhelming infestation, the type that gets neighbors grousing.

Roach TABS, not pills, lawdie i'm tired

https://care-manager.com/

Also Amy Silver: http://eldercareopts.com/?page_id=15

― mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Wednesday, July 6, 2022 12:04 PM (one hour ago) bookmarkflaglink

Thanks for the links. Do you know anything about Iona House (https://www.iona.org/services/iona-care-management/)? Another source recommended them to me.

is the problem roaches or something else ...? Several years back the house next to my building was owned/occupied by an elderly woman with dementia and she had a rodent problem, and vector control was called (probably by a neighbor) ... basically, if your mom owns her home, and there is an official complaint to code enforcement, that goes on the property history. If the plan for her care involves selling the house and having her move in with you, your sister, or into an assisted living facility, it will be harder to sell the property and/or you wouldn't be able to get as good a price for it with that code violation/complaint on the record. ... If you are potentially struggling with the cost of her care, then it would be in your best interest to get as good a price as possible for the house, so you could use that money for your mom's care ... which, as many of y'all know already, can be expensive af.

xp I know them well, since I work for them :). Ask for Lisa in community care management, she is excellent.

dad fell in his assisted living facility. bruises on his head. nobody has any fucking clue what happened, "I had just checked on him".

he looked very down the last few days, and he used to get out of his chair/bed etc when he wanted to get up or find a remote or something, but he hadn't done that in over a year as he was not strong enough to stand on his own anymore.

well, we think he did again. and I think it's because his roommate was stressing him out. I just ignored him, but he'd constantly swear at the nurses, and ask me and my brother to use our phones/take him down the street. we just tuned him out, but I guess dad couldn't, and I feel bad that I didn't try to get him moved then. I didn't think there were any rooms and the other guy is wheelchair bound and also can't stand so I viewed him as inert. but the last few days he started moving his wheelchair onto dad's side of the room.

so now I get to go to a new hospital that's 30 mins away and figure out if he's ok and figure out if we can send him back to assisted living afterwards for the remainder of his 'free' Medicare days, and if so, can we get him a new room. I told mom "fuck it, let's just bring him back after the hospital clears him", and she keeps shutting it down, saying she can't take care of him during her recovery and that I can't either, but I have more wellness leave available and certainly could do so if I had to . I think she's afraid my life will suck or something...newsflash, mom, it already does. I fantasize daily about driving into the ocean. or carbon monoxiding myself in a garage. I don't do it simply because too many people need me at this point. there is nothing driving me to wake up in the morning besides that at the moment.

(all of this will pass - home health is moving along and we're at the next phase of getting Medicaid approval. and mom will be fully recovered in 2 months. but right now, this is unbearable).

Xposts -- J.Lu, good sign that your mom is scam-suspicious. We tried to convince my mom to not even pick up the phone if she didn't recognize the caller ID, but she pointed out to us that she was from the generation where if the phone rang, you answered it (which I sort of get, but if history shows you that 90% of callers want your credit card number. . ,) and truth be told I think part of it was she was lonely and didn't mind that there was a voice on the other end. Once it was clear that too many scammers had her land line number, we tried to move her to a flip-phone cell, but keeping it charged was a challenge, and then when 2G service ended, they sent her a touch-screen phone, and that was beyond her. Shortly after we moved her out of the house, I was there for a few hours waiting on a repairman and her land line rang about thirty times. . .

Xpost Neanderthal -- hope home health/Medicaid/recovery moves quickly for you and your folks.

Thanks Jeff.

It's unfortunately a little more serious than we thought. C2 fracture in spine. :(

I just returned to work from a week off and already have to go back out tomorrow.

The stress of being a caregiver is one thing. The thought of dad being depressed enough that he would summon the strength to stand on his own so he could leave the facility just broke my heart. We visited him daily but he looked miserable. Our reasoning for sending him there was because the phys therapist recommended rehab but also respite, and because my mother is out of commission due to her recovery.

Just keep thinking if we had brought him home instead, this wouldn't have happened. The thought that he could be in danger depending on how serious it is, is doing things to my head. Dad and I cried together as he squeezed my hand.

My brother managed to make my mom cry because he started insinuating that maybe if she visited him, he would have had better morale, making her feel guilty. I had to rebuke him for that.

If he hadn't gotten so constipated and had more swallowing difficulty, we never would have brought him to the hospital or assisted living, and I would have taken care of him solo as originally planned.

Right now I'm regulating my emotions to not let them overtake me, because I HAVE to be together, but letting myself experience them when I need to.

I need lots of weed

no stenosis or dissection of artery. thank god.

I need lots of weed

The few times I tried weed I never got anything out of it. But if it works for you, great. I'd been trying to stop drinking, because my sleep has been awful. (Didn't help that I interpreted pandemic self-care as watching a silent movie and drinking whiskey.)

as long as it's smoked it's good for me, edibles just make my anxiety worse.

drinking would make me never sleep again, yeah, esp due to the reflux it triggers in me. but i'm gonna get plastered tonight more than likely after this week.

Awaiting MRI to see how bad the fracture is. Here with dad, brother thankfully relieving me later

Right now I'm regulating my emotions to not let them overtake me, because I HAVE to be together, but letting myself experience them when I need to.

^ this is painfully otm. been there. you can't let yourself grieve in real time, but without the grief you can't adjust to the reality that you're grieving over. hang in there as best you can, N. the self-medicating is a dangerous stopgap, but sometimes it is all you've got, so you do it anyway. been there, too.

Thx Aimless. I'm gonna take a night to myself when my brother relieves me and brace for tomorrow.

I got very drunk. needed that.

still no MRI on dad yet so they have to put him under as he fidgets too much. stubborn paisan

this is the frustrating thing about hospitals. what happens when you're not there.

work and my hangover kept me from getting here as early as possible. last we heard, he was going to get an MRI.

I get here 30 minutes ago and am told they have to do a CT scan instead, as it will rip out his cochlear implants.

my dad has no cochlear implants and you would know this within seconds of looking at him.

what ...the actual...fuck.

Ugh. My mother's pest problem is in fact rats, and the neighbor has notified the city. (I've tried telling Mom that the city has rights and responsibilities in the face of a public health risk; she responded yes, she knows.) My mother says she's going to do various things, and then does not follow through. I think my sister and I are going to need to have her declared incompetent.

My sister has plans tonight, but we just discussed going to the house tomorrow to confront her (possibly saying that we are ready to throw our hands up and let the city and/or county step in).

I've identified a county resource for elder care, but naturally they shut down at 5pm on Friday.

I'm at home alone, I'm longing to go out and do something to take my mind off this, but have no idea what to do. I don't have any in-person friends to contact. I don't want to go for a walk or drive alone, because I assume I'll keep ruminating on the matter.

Well, I've made one decision: order in Chinese food. I'll probably look for a sitcom to occupy my mind tonight.

I'm so sorry you have to wade into such difficult waters, j.lu. definitely take a night to yourself tonight.

Hoping you and your sis can get a productive conversation going.

Sorry to hear about this, j.lu. Hope a good conversation can get started.

love to you both, Neanderthal & j.lu, and bonus love to your families.

Much love right back to everyone who has posted here. Since my last post, my mother has delivered to me her cats so she can work on the rodent issue; and I called the county elder services center and asked for their assessment. (I tried calling a few years ago, but whoever took my call then told me up front that if the person is reasonably healthy and mobile, a judge is likely to find them competent to live alone.)

Last Sunday I went to one of the National Gallery of Art's first in-person film screenings since the pandemic shutdown.

This coming Sunday: I plan to look at a condominium that would not be my first choice, but would be affordable on my current savings and income. I am not in a rush; rather I intend to talk to the realtor about the neighborhood--why the prices are what they are and why certain units that have been on the market for months haven't been snapped up by investors.

Aaaand APS just called: While my mother appears to be making bad decisions right now, in their estimation she is still capable of making decisions for herself. So my sister and I are likely to let the city do its job on the health issue; and I will probably be keeping her cats for the indefinite future.

that's a bummer that you have to let an unfortunate situation play out with the city, but sounds like the right one given the circumstances, as is taking the cats. hoping she is able to get to a good resolution without the city coming down too hard on her.

(if my clumsy post above wasn't clear, it was intended to be supportive since I know that likely isn't the way you wanted things to go, with APS).

good news on both parents' side:

*Mom seems to be mostly recovered from her surgery. she's started going without oxygen for longer spells, and oximeter has her oxygen levels at 97-98 regularly (even in the hospital on oxygen, she was topping out at 88-90). Tomorrow, we have a follow-up with her doctor to find out if she can go without.

*Dad's CT fracture in his spine was confirmed, but it's acute and very minor. No surgery needed, just wearing a neck brace for a while. Now the question becomes where to send him next. Brother and I are nervous about sending him to the same facility where he had a fall (we would need to demand he has a bed with rails and that he's never left unsupervised in his wheelchair). He has about 15 "free" days left as he's still in his 90 day period.

We have to wait for the social worker - mom is pushing to get him to do physical therapy, thinking it will help, but also I think for continued respite for her. I have informed her that if we bring him home, obviously we can clean him up/change him on the bed after bathroom trips, as I don't think him standing for long periods of time will be good for his neck, and mom can't lift him (but I can, by myself).

so, we'll see. compounding things = I am busy tomorrow but we don't want him to stay in a hospital over the weekend.

OH - and the Long Term Care process is moving along, annoyingly. our contact at the Area Agency on Aging who sent us the paperwork that needed to be completed and said we could email it back to him, confirmed yesterday after five requests that he got none of it. I snarkily pointed out in my follow-up screenshot that we had already sent the information but, sure, why not send it again. then I went to FedEx Office and scanned it all so that I can fax it as well to remove any plausible deniability on its receipt.

Access Florida (for the Medicaid application) is also requesting documentation, which I've mostly submitted all of. but they also wanted us to do a phone 'interview' before tomorrow. it's not clear whether this is for food stamps, which mom initially applied for and then opted not to want anymore, or LTC Medicaid, but mom and I called this number daily for two weeks, nobody ever answers, it's a voicemail saying to leave our name and number and we'll get called b ack in two weeks. we've left a ton of frustrated voicemails, nothing. I even uploaded a document with the other required documents stating they werent answering the phone or calling us back. Next step is trying to find the contact's email address.

so much damn legwork, but...hopefully we're closer.

Pro tip: try your congressperson. Their constituent services people may be able to shake out some action. Or they may be useless. But it sometimes actually works.

thanks quincie! that one will be in my chamber, for sure.

finally got the interview done at an alternate number they gave us (makes me wonder why they gave us the other number). my faxes were received so I guess we should be set.

but I may ping Rep Anna Eskamani if things Elder Aging guy keeps "not getting" our docs, a friend of mine is friends w/ her.

So dad goes back to his assisted living facility today. Mom went as she was cleared to drive/stop her oxygen.

We had requested a new room for him after his fall, not knowing it'd be more than a week before his return, because his roommate was rude and disruptive and was stressing him/us out.

I arranged all this myself last week, and they even called me back to tell me they would be moving him. Today, they give us his room number, and it is indeed different.

So mom texts us asking about the roommate, giving a description that is similar to the prior roommate, and my brother freaks out, assuming it's him, and doomsdaying.

And it was not him.

I thought I was the male D3l M3d1c0 with anxiety. He's driving me nuts lately

really starting to worry about my ability to work during our busiest time of year with mom semi-sidelined from caretaking dad until probably late August. (she'll still be able to do things, but all lifting = me and anything intensive).

if the home health care is situated by then, though...that'll be a godsend. Florida DCF said we've done all we need to, for the moment, with the application process.

Neanderthal, my total respect and admiration for what you do for your folks. My mom died on Friday, after two weeks in home hospice care, so it’s almost a relief that we were spared months of seeing her as a husk of her normal self.

i'm sorry to hear about your mom, suzy <3

I'm just at my wit's end right now. every time things look up, we get knocked down.

DCF denied our Medicaid LTC application, and we have no idea why. They claim we did not submit documentation of unearned income, which I most specifically did - over 100 pages worth, both uploaded and via fax. Their website reflects everything I submitted. Also, our phone hearing was on 7/15, and their letter on 7/1 told us we would have ten days from the hearing date to submit all documentation. It's been four days, and they denied us. Wouldn't even tell us what specifically was missing, just wrote as if we submitted nothing.

Also, they seem to have mushed two disparate applications together. Unfortunately, my mom was trying to submit a Food Stamps and Medicare Access application back in May, which we realized after he probably didn't qualify for. For some reason ,they seem to have combined this application with the one I submitted in June for LTC. One example is they denied my mother for LTC, and she never applied for it - you can see in the application where it clearly states No next to her for LTC, and Yes next to Dad.

We called and have been waiting on the phone for an hour - they wouldn't talk to me because I'm not dad's representative.

Meanwhile, I complained to OSHA and AHCA for my dad's long-term care facility's handling of dad's roommate's COVID case. we don't want to visit dad right now to avoid risking our own exposure (so far, we are both negative). Mom has tried calling them all day, and left a message for the social worker. Nobody is answering.

This type of existence in 2022 is agonizing. People don't do their jobs, and I have to basically escalate to government agencies to force their hands. I'm starting to lose hope.

probably going to have to have an attorney assist with the next application attempt for DCF. I'm hoping we don't lose our place on the wait list. they also notified the Elder Affairs of the denial.

Is this really how it goes? if your documentation is missing something or isn't what they're looking for, they don't just tell you and let you submit it, they just blanket deny you?

there's just no joy for us right now.

So sorry! If you're not your Dad's representative, who is?? Might be good to contact an attorney right now, re time factor and getting past feelings of helplessness to some extent.

in the now almost two hours we've been on hold, I've managed to get zero work done, but I have managed to email/fax several officers on Florida DCF begging someone to answer our questions so we know what to do. the letter is so confusing.

we're giving up in 15 minutes and going to call at 8 am.

xpost Mom is. she's next to me and I offered to handle the call together.

we've discussed going to attorney next, definitely. I have Group Legal with my company, and we have already sought legal for dad's injury so we will look into that too. the three of us are just tired, it's constant effort effort effort.

I wish we had brought dad home instead of sending him to this damn facility.

thx dow!

means testing is such bullshit. I’m really sorry, Neanderthal.

that it is. thanks brimstead.

the killer is I know he qualifies, but they are completely inept at this place. they even spelled my mother's name wrong in the original letter even though it was correct on the application. can nobody cut and paste anymore?

i'm sorry your mom has passed, suzy. i totally get what you mean about the almost relief. my mom was losing more and more of herself in her last few years and it never got too bad, but when a blood clot* took her suddenly there was -- in addition to the shock and grief -- at least the consolation that she didn't have to keep fading away by inches.

(probably a blood clot. dad wasn't real communicative. my brothers and i just got a group text out of the blue. "Your mother died today at St. Whoever's ER. It wasn't COVID. We can grieve later when the pandemic subsides." cool, dad. thanks.)

Neanderthal, holy hell. i don't even know how to respond and i'm just reading your posts, i can't begin to imagine the stress of it being your actual life! is there any room in the budget for a burly nursing aide to come help out sometimes? any more family members to shake out of the family tree? i really hope things get better for you and your folks. <3

no more family members, but things are somewhat settling down. I'm still not convinced that dad won't eventually test positive, but his roommate is now in the hospital (presumably for COVID). no idea if he was vaccinated. as of yesterday, dad was still testing negative.

mom was only going to take him his clothes and pop in and out, but once she saw the roommate was not there, she decided to stay longer (masked and gloved of course). I warned her not to be too lackadaisical as there's a chance dad has it and we don't know yet, and she's the one who's concerned about getting it.

assuming dad's next test is a negative, I may go visit him again. I feel terrible not being there but it's not for invalid reasons. even if dad hadn't had covid, work kicked my ass up and down this week, and the doors shut at 6 pm. so I probably couldn't have gone.

kinda just wanna bring him home, once we're sure he's in the clear, esp now with the roommate not in the room. (obv I hope the roommate comes out of it ok).

thanks cat btw