Homemade Jokes

Which Fall album do tennis fans like most?

I Am Kyrgios, Oranj!

When Jay-Z got engaged, what was the headline in the paper?

FEYONCÉ!

I have a homemade Far Side cartoon joke in my head, called something like "Clown Cemetery", which shows a row of burial plots and gravestones, except each plot has a pair of long clown shoes poking out of the earth (because the clowns are buried in their clown shoes, but not deep enough underground, haha?)

(I assume some variation of this exists as a gag somewhere)

My wife and I started a shofar transportation business, but she kept getting the horn for the rabbi

you should post the clown cartoon to Drawing Practice: Give me a total of 100 ideas to draw to see if I get any better by the 100th drawing.

there's a Grimaldi park in Islington named because he's buried there (not sure about any other clowns)

'Twin casket-shaped installations made up of bronze floor tiles are designed to be walked on and react to the pressure of footfall by playing musical notes. The tiles are tuned so that it's possible to play "Hot Codlins", a song popularised by Grimaldi.'

i think the idea was that you dance on his (not-actual) grave and it plays a tune

something can be done with cemetery + "grave danger"

August 26, 1958 - April 5, 1924

"Oooh, someone has made a grave mistake!"

^^^hell yeah

I guess I never posted this but maybe it’s time to rack up the fps:

In traditional Judaism, there is a a well-known taboo against tattoos.

The actor Patrick Warburton is not Jewish.

Still there was something questionable about his decision to get several lines of Jewish scripture inked in Hebrew on his back: at best a lapse in judgement, at worst a deliberately sacrilegious provocation.

When rumours started to spread online of his dubious stamp, the kronk’s new groove star attempted to get ahead of the story and stave off cancellation by tweeting categorically that no such tattoo existed and the whole thing was an obvious fabrication, posting photos of a plausible blank back as proof.

Unfortunately for him, internet sleuths managed to track down the tattooist alleged to have done the job, and though he tried to hold out and deny it for his client’s sake, under immense pressure he finally broke down and sang like a canary:

”I did! I did! I did Torah Puddy tat!”

They say anecdotal evidence doesn't prove anything

But it worked pretty well for me today

Huh, I think I dreamed a (bad) joke/pun last night, a sausage marketed toward skiers called "slalomi." Just saying it is actually pretty funny, imo.

Don't dream it - be it. Skiers need snacks dude. Some pre-sliced meat in a package that can be easily opened and closed with gloves on?

Did you hear about the CEO of Patagonia?

He made a fortune fleecing yuppies.

Hear about him? I invested!

Genius

We were in the middle of a discussion about whether the plays of Shakespeare were *really* written by Shakespeare, when I pointed out I had no tools to prune my roses.

It was a non-secateur!

Indeed, and a rose by any other name would smell as sheath

So I found myself sitting on the edge of my roof, inside a golf ball. Gutter percher!

How do pigeons change their government?

They have a coo!

Hray!

I was served a kebab in the Sultan of Egypt's palace. It looked like it contained only meat.

Summoning the chef, I asked "Is Saladin here?"

Q: Do you like Sea Change?
A: (thinking it's the album by Beck) Yes!
Q: (opens wide to reveal a mouthful of coins) See? Change!

Sounds like someone's on a sea change diet.

sea change in the conference room

A kid is trying to teach a classmate how to alter the grade on his report card.

"Change the C you wish to B"

ooh that's good

"looking forward to herring from you soon" - tell-tale signs your work correspondent is actually an Arctic gull

On the Pixies' Doolittle track No.13 Baby, there's a lyric about a "tattood tit, say number 13" - this implies the existence of a tattood tit with the number 12, dozen tit?

What is it with these feminists always complaining about "the male gays"? So much for the tolerant left.

Lol

A man was having a relationship with a woman, until one night, he was caught cheating. She immediately dumped him, and placed a curse on him - if he had sex with anybody, as soon as he threw away the contraceptive, they would disappear in a puff of smoke.
After coming home from his job as a circus clown, he found his girlfriend looking puzzled at a photo album. In it were pictures of his ex that had placed the curse.

"Who is this - you've never told me about her?", she asked.

The man frowned and told her the whole backstory, sobbing due to his guilt.

The woman laughed and said "Why are you worried? We've been having sex for weeks, and used contraceptives every time, and I haven't disappeared yet!"

The man sighed and said "Yeah, but one of those kids from the circus will probably throw away their balloon animal soon".

What did the 0 say to the 8?

'Nice belt.'

airlines order livery for their planes from specialised companies that deliver, but when they want to remove it again that's also delivery.

Like they always say, find you a good hepatologist who delivers.

My husband went on holiday with an evil spirit from Native American mythology

Wendigo?

Eight weeks ago. I haven’t heard from him and I’m worried sick

What does Thom Yorke crave when he's hankering for an English snack?

He wants a perfect butty.

crepe

weird dough

What happened to Willie Dixon after spending the evening in over a dozen pubs?

The twelve bar blues.

Why do melons never marry?

Because they cantaloupe.

!

Why did the thieves want to steal a file cabinet?

They were organized criminals.

melon joke is brilliant

This joke was just told to me by a colleague I'm working with, referencing another one of our colleagues with whom we are struggling, professionally-creatively:

A man goes in for a therapy appointment. The therapist asks how it's going. The man says, "I'm having a hard time at work. Everyone is incompetent. They don't do what I ask. They are telling me they need time that I cannot give them. I ask for work from them and they come back with results that aren't what I'm asking for."

The therapist says, "let's try an exercise." The therapist produces a series of photographs. The first photograph is a photo of a winter landscape, snow and wind and ice. "What season do you see here?" asks the therapist. "It is summer," says the man.

The therapist produces another photograph. It shows some people caught in a blizzard, trudging through the snow. "What season do you see here?" asks the therapist. "It is summer, clearly," says the man.

The therapist produces another photograph. A mountain chalet has been buried in an avalanche, and people are attempting to dig their way out. "What season is this?" asks the therapist. "It's summer again," says the man.

The therapist is perplexed. "Are you sure it is summer? There is snow on the ground, people are bundled up in winter jackets." "I know," says the man, "it's just a really shitty summer."

lmao

Is a millinerian trying to get their hat right for the impending apocalypse?

A guy orders an Edvard Grieg recording from Discogs, but he ends up leaving negative feedback. It wasn't in Peer Gynt condition.

I've decide to open a nursery to sell plants, but I don't have enough yet, I need to do that thing to produce more of them, y'know, that thing?

Propagate?

Yes, our security's excellent!

I was in the pub and this fella I knew came in, walked over to say hello, but just stood there when there was a perfectly good chair in front of him. So I said

"As the works foreman said to the apprentice at the Factory Records pressing plant....

Don't stand on Ceremony!"