Most pooterish Adrian Chiles column

tbh i dishwash my wooden spoons (all of which were my mum's before me and are decades old and in fine fettle)

(not e coli tho, my sister says that went on the bonfire when we closed up mum and dad's house: she was less of a fan than my grandma)

Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man pic.twitter.com/15HvMl1gM5

— HMP Groverhaus (@EssexFront) July 6, 2022

"Many men can look good wearing a codpiece. I am not one of them."

Wise words. I went one step further than Chiles and downloaded a fauna-identifying app and deleted it as soon as it started aggressively prompting me for bank details before I'd even tried it out.

I downloaded a couple of mushroom identification apps but they completely failed to tell me the one thing I wanted to know about mushrooms

it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!

"yes, it's definitely a pebble"

lol "it's a fucking cob"

I got a back-to-front West Brom tattoo - and I love it

Column doesn't say much more than the title so no real purpose in linking to it.

calzino at 9:14 6 Jul 22
it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!

In the nation’s hour of need

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/21/i-recently-saw-something-in-a-petrol-station-toilet-southbound-on-the-m1-that-i-can-never-unsee

Misread the last sentence as Adrian offering his services to clean the bogs himself! No chance, best left to those who earn in 6 months what he was probably paid to dribble out this bilge.

yeah I was thinking exactly the same tbh - "I'd make sure the toilet cleaners did a proper job" is not exactly "he never misses". But I realised he was a lickspittle that day he gave some barrister arsehole free reign to slur Hillsborough victims on 5 live.

The King is BACK pic.twitter.com/xvBtldmunB

— Badger Meinhof (@Badger5000) October 27, 2022

sad to discover Chiles has never seen The Jerk

https://theap.substack.com/p/the-honourable-schoolboy

The one time Adrian Chiles says something moderately serious, they take the piss out of him with the photo... pic.twitter.com/OA3GZvdw1a

— David Andress (@ProfDaveAndress) March 2, 2023

Another classic has dropped

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/mar/15/i-have-a-naked-lookalike-and-he-is-making-a-fortune-on-onlyfans-adrian-chiles

Incredible development

https://t.co/Uxx5zi26Qc pic.twitter.com/nx8tg3jBnQ

— stephen (@stepheniscowboy) March 19, 2023

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/adrian-chiles-guardian-column-interview.html

Your columns have this cult appeal. People really love them. Has that surprised you?

Well, it does surprise me, but I’m always thinking people are half taking the piss, just because it can be so pooterish.

What a blessed human being. I reread the straight razor shave and nostril wax one regularly.

Hope that Chiles' drivel in this week's column about university contact hours and funding will finally stop the love-in about his journalism. Jesus wept.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/mar/29/english-students-spend-a-fortune-to-go-to-university-shouldnt-that-buy-them-more-teaching-and-less-partying

whenever he drops the ingratiating performance shtick all that remains is a clueless arsehole with reactionary and bad opinions, "he never misses" though. I guess you can get away with any old ill informed shit when you are married to the editor.

Heaven spare us from Adrian Chiles expounding on yet another thing he knows nothing about. Who the hell is paying him to compare a single French fashion student to the entire English university sector (based on a handful of people he vaguely knows)? Oh, wait...

— Caroline Dodds Pennock (@carolinepennock) March 30, 2023

Is he wrong? Maybe things have changed but when I spent a semester at Glasgow in the 90s it was party time, all the time. I had been intending to go for an entire year but I realised that I wasn't really learning anything so I went back to the US early.

The partying is as important a part of the uni experience as the learning, I think is the point. I learned way more about how to socialize and deal with ppl from my uni years than I learned about the subject I was studying.

https://i.imgur.com/CS7Afry.png

https://i.imgur.com/IfBiSEN.png

The bloom may be off the semi ironic “he never misses” rose but chiles generator is still a banger is basically how I break it down to an extent

It's now updated with all of his columns (260, apparently) and I've automated the parsing, though it's a bit buggy. Next stop a twitter bot, unless twitter dies first.

tired: most pooterish AC column
wired: most 'pooterish AI column

People are too in on this now e.g.

I thought I was immune to being fooled online. Then I saw the pope in a coat
Joel Golby

https://twitter.com/_ChilesBot

i like these columns.

Fake

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jun/05/pet-ill-never-forget-sea-monkeys-orgies

The mere mention of some of the people on this podcast will make some people spontaneously combust but, there's no doubt about it, Adrian Chiles gives a great interview: https://www.anotherslice.com/quicklykevin/dc181a49-e557-4e4b-8e13-706976ce6632

(It's the Quickly Kevin 90s football podcast. Chiles is on to talk about West Brom obviously, but he talks a lot about his time hosting BBC/ITV football coverage.)

Quick let's do ten incredible and super-British Adrian Chiles columns in a row

one pic.twitter.com/wtOvto1bBP

— BUM CHILLUPS AKA SPENCER HALL (@edsbs) June 15, 2023

the most beautiful phrase in the English language is not "cellar door" it's "I panic-bought a dart board"

Some even need to be seen in context to be even funnierhttps://t.co/FgddxIiAG0

— The 984 (@The_984) June 15, 2023

That's easily the best column, you don't even need to read it.

You don’t need to read any of them, that would be doing it wrong

Ok Chile's has competition

I'm not sure what the Daily Mail thought they were getting for their six-figure Boris Johnson column, but I doubt 1,000 rambling words on why he took appetite suppressants for a bit, but gave them up after they made him feel a bit sick, was it. pic.twitter.com/naN1B3q4yy

— Adam Bienkov (@AdamBienkov) June 16, 2023

I want the follow-up where he tries meth instead.

Ha, my first thought when reading Johnson's column (yes, I went there) was "he's no Adrian Chiles". It's surprisingly poorly executed, and does nothing for his alleged reputation as an eloquent and witty columnist.

I had a torrid time with some pitiful, dried-out geraniums
on a three-for-£5 offer.
They just wouldn’t scan.
I got them for nothing in the end,
but they all died anyway.

https://www.theguardian.com/business/commentisfree/2023/aug/02/want-a-glimpse-of-dystopia-visit-the-self-service-checkouts

he's our Larkin

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/aug/30/have-i-told-you-about-the-time-i-split-my-trousers

Haven't read beyond the headline because I don't need to, and neither do you

i'll wait for have-i-told-you-about-the-time-i-shat-meself

This is actually very well done

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/nov/02/the-left-lane-on-a-motorway-is-for-the-virtuous-and-the-good-thats-why-i-love-it