Real love -- I'm, like, searchin' for that Queer Love -- LGBTQIA+ Love // A Thread for the Real Ones

C'mon Simone, let's talk about your big "but."

I haven't read it yet bcz I got it at work and then *brag alert* went straight to my fuck buddy's house for a cute date and only just got home a few hours ago!!!

butts all around

butts rule everything around me

OK SO
I'm not a butt man and i keep feeling more and more alone
like American men are just obsessed with them
i feel like there's something wrong with me

Stevo you're killin it these days

don't care about the outside, it's what's inside that counts imo

like the way it feels?

yeah! i mean not to get too tmi or too cliche i guess but i just think anuses are this incredible part of us lol and i really like experiencing them.

So! My Saturday night date sold me out. I suspected trouble when I had to text him 15 mins before meeting: he was running late thanks to a "minor emergency" at his parents', whatever that means (what's a "minor" emergency?). Luckily a friend kept me company at the bar.

An hour later, date texts: "On my way, send location address plz?" That's the last I heard of him. For a while I thought he died -- until I saw a an Instagram post Sunday morning.

He's 24, a former student who emailed me four years after class to ask about getting a beer or coffee. On determining he was queer he gushed: he praised my self-assurance, brains, looks, etc. We might've met that night had I not plans already. It's worth noting I barely remember this kid in summer 2018.

I wonder if simply not showing up is a phenomenon of the young?

Anusii are a cliche?

that sucks. definitely hit next. it's been a phenomenon of the young and old as long as i've been dating tbh. xp

Yeah, I wanted to avoid generational generalization, but a few viejos noted The Vanishing has been more prevalent in the last four years.

I've ghosted more than my share, I should note.

I have never done this, to my knowledge?

me eiths it's dumb
I'm too polite though

wassup homieslice

good morning!

Mornin' sunshine!
What's on the platter?

I'm vegetarian tonight.

sexually or culinarily?

Lady Bracknell : Well, both, if necessary, I presume!

So, I’m in one of the only two gay bars in Marbella (southern coast of Spain) right now, and the thing here is that high heeled shoes are passed around, everyone tries them on, and then they take their turn swishing down what passes for a catwalk. Pleased to report that my boy got the loudest applause of the night. We make our own entertainment.

The bar is filling up because at 4am they close the doors, bring out the ashtrays, and everyone can smoke indoors.

We will be back tomorrow for drag queen bingo.

omgggggg jealous

Oh I forgot to mention the seventy something naked woman who did her catwalk turn clutching a large stuffed teddy bear.

stop

jealz to the max

Just ended a fabulous evening with j0rdan.

yesss. what did y'all do?

we went to a sports bar so i could watch basketball while we talked about madonna

...and Mariah Carey. And my terrible non-date last week.

ok well that sounds ideal (sorry for the delay how the hell do three days go by?!)

you know i saw Madonna's Mme X tour
she could still put on a show, i just wonder if it isn't time for her to maybe think about doing something else

we had dinner with Stevie last night!! and then he came back to our place and we plied him with amaro and we talked about sheryl crow and natalie merchant and celine dion and it was just a total delight <3

Amaro! Sheryl Crow! Sounds like my kind of night.

sounds like a blast

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHxbxAQSQMM

uhhhhhh i had no idea wallace shawn was in a chaka khan video lol

he's in everything!
also I'm pretty sure I've had that night before lol so fun xp ❤️

wassup docs
it's eighty goddamn degrees here today
too soon yo

lovely haiku

it's only about 70 here. we've had some random bursts of heat over the past few weeks though.

next week i will be in seattle, where it's gonna be 50 and rainy no doubt. i forget, are any of y'all based there? would love recs on things and places to do/see/eat/drink there!

Wish I had more Recs than go to PONY and the gay Karaoke bar on Cap Hill, and also you simply must visit the main public library, it is everything a public library should be imho

85 degrees already

omg I've always wanted to go to Seattle

i used to love working in the library in college. I would sit in the stacks in the basement, or the art stacks which were the super cool ones. but I had no place there TBH

I miss my college library all the time.

The cops caught the arsonist of the queer bar in Bushwick. Scary story of what happened.

Not gonna lie, my queer friends, but I really am getting a lot more worried about some things, like whether my marriage will be recognized in a few years.

wait i didn't hear about the bar. deets? how did i miss that. was reading an article about a gay couple last night just filed a precedent setting suit RE being denied infertility coverage for IVF. glad for the action.

so just now i'm served an ad on facebook for customized wrestling singlets that's just an image of hairy pecs bulging out of spandex (the co is t4ked0wn sp0rtswe4r, in case you want to google it and have the ads follow you around everywhere). and i notice that it has likes and loves. so i click on the loves because i have a premonition. about ten gentlemen come up, and i open each in a new tab, and am beguiled by ten miniature portraits of gay american men.

wrestling fetishists have surprisingly good taste in memes

sorry busy week! how creepy! honestly the sanitary side of wrestling alone counteracts how hot it can be don't you think? u know how many skin infections those guys get? gross.

so I'm going to fire island in Aug and i have to figure out my look. last year was health goth. I'm kind of feeling club kid this year???

I know there are some people who are into those... I couldn't remember what the brand is called, so I had to google "bad dildos" and sure enough it came right up. Bad Dragon.

I see a lot of trans women go through what a lot of us call our "slut era". I tried, by God. I really tried. I don't know how it is for other people, but yeah, for me, it does have a lot to do with getting out of an abusive relationship. My ex-wife emotionally and sexually abused me, and it's taken a _long_ fucking time for me to accept or come to terms with that as much as I have. When we broke up, I'd never _been_ in a relationship with someone else.

It took me a year to get with anyone else and when I did it kind of became this folie a deux thing. I guess if I really want to get into it it's this relationship that overshadows everything else. She's a great person and all but holy fuck she is _not_ a low-drama person. She spent the first few months of our relationship getting fucked by anybody she could in order to try and prove to herself she was _worth_ fucking. It doesn't seem to have worked. She resents me for not meeting her intimacy needs. I don't meet her intimacy needs because one of my boundaries is that she needs to _ask_. I refuse to mind-read, particularly not when it comes to sex, particularly given that she has a really really hard time saying "no". I'm not going to be intimate with someone who lacks the self-confidence to say "no". To me, that's not really consensual.

She keeps pressuring me to find another partner because she keeps feeling "pressured" sexually by me. We haven't been intimate in six months. We cuddle. That's it. We barely even see each other once a week. I'm beyond "desperately thirsty" and am into full-on spinster, and now I'm supposed to go to this kink convention and... it just reminds me. Reminds me of all the love I want, all the love I deserve, all the love that I have never had for more than, like, a weekend, a honeymoon. She hates herself. She hates her body. She's at a weight where she can barely get around. I'm genuinely worried that she could have a myocardial infarction any day now. I gave her $20,000 to get off my couch in the hopes that it would, I don't know. Allow her to have the stable, healthy life I felt like she deserved. It didn't. No amount of money could. The money means nothing to me. The disappointment in watching her flail over and over and over again... that does hurt. A lot.

Most of the time being with her lets me avoid thinking about how painful it is for me, not having the support and care that comes with a loving intimate relationship. She gets upset when I talk about how lonely I am, and she's not _there_ for me, hasn't been _there_ for me for more than the occasional cuddle for six months now.

Well, if not her, than who? I went to this new years' eve party with all of the people I used to know before my folie a deux relationship with my GF burned those bridges and it's not like... they're not actually doing any better than I am. I stood there, sober and lonely, while I watched a bunch of people fucked up on all kinds of drugs desperately making out with each other. They were all extremely hot and extremely miserable. It was awkward. I'm just fucking trying to not be miserable. When it comes to relationships, I don't know how to do that. I'm 48 years old and I've _never had a healthy relationship in my entire life_. I love myself. I think I'm a wonderful person who has a lot to offer in a relationship. Where do I find people who have something to offer _me_?

That breaks my heart, Kate!! I want you to have a healthy relationship!!

I am lucky, most of my exes are amazing people. Even actually the shitty awful ex, he is shitty and awful but he’s kinda amazing in other ways, I don’t ever wanna see him again but I don’t hate him in any respect.

idk i'm having kind of a shit weekend

i feel like going out with my friends would really help me get my mind off my breakup with my girlfriend, really lighten my mood

i try talking to my friends though, and they're all dealing with so many different crises

i feel like shit and if i could, you know, just hang out with some folks and have a conversation where nobody else talks about wanting to kill themselves, where people can just be encouraging and tell me "it's ok, you'll get over her, it sucks but in the long run you'll be better off for it, you're a great person and there are tons of people who like you, here c'mon let's go for a night out on the town, shake those blues away"

instead it's like "you know what would cheer you up, you should get an onlyfans"

i'm all in favor of sex work but no. no, i'm pretty sure getting an OF would not cheer me up. i'm pretty sure taking psilocybin and undergoing "ego death" would not cheer me up. people say i'm "oppositionally defiant" but i'm gonna be honest with you i've gotten a lot of really bad advice

i mean it's not always bad advice. sometimes it's clown memes.

-

breakups are _normal_, it's _normal_ to be sad when i go through a breakup even if it's not really a breakup, more a recognition something that's already happened, even if it's not a bad thing

resilience is... like what i would _like_, where i would _like_ to be is to feel really sad and cry and recognize this is hard and painful without being in a position of...

i'm _supposed_ to get out and do the normal things, check my mail, pay my bills, do the laundry, go out with friends, and that's how i'll get to feeling better, that's how i'll get back to being a healthy, functioning human being

i'm terrified of going on dates. i'm terrified that i'll go out with someone and they'll fall in love with me because i'm the first person who's shown them human kindness in six months and they'll tell me all their darkest secrets, things they've never told anybody else

and they'll think that's romantic

i work really hard to try not to be like that anymore. i put so much effort into it. i like other people, it's just hard for me to _trust_ people i like.

and it's even harder to not blame myself. to not essentialize it, to not joke about "being attracted to red flags". to. like. acknowledge that i have this deep-seated _need_ to be hurt, _need_ to be abused, that those things are _normal_ to me, and to figure out some way to... get in relationships that recalibrate what "normal" means. i've worked so hard to believe that i'm a good person who's worthy of love, and one sort-of-breakup and here i am back really wanting to seek out people who will abuse me. those people are _so easy to find_. they are so _exciting_. they are so _hot_.

well. i guess i can write instead. it feels good to be able to write this and share it and not feel guilty about sharing it, not feel like i'm doing something wrong or being inappropriate by sharing it. it's nice. and i did go for a walk today, by myself, and i felt terrible, and i still feel terrible, and it helped.

god, dbt skills ftw

so glad i did a round

i like the vernaculzar these days tbh

ppl did actually wake up in a lot of waya and i'mb here for it

i would recommend the promise of civilization during these days of early to mid twenties and i yearn to hear some more.

dear swen, i have no idea what you are talking about lol

i am a gloomy gus by nature and my primary partner's sense of humor does not always do it for me. young pine, on the other hand, brings us all together in riotous laughter quite often. we have victorian lady alter-egos with falsetto voices, i am beatrice, young pine is priscilla and j is gwendolyn. we also do crazy eyed joe redneck voices and joke about fucking rotisserie chickens. j is always straining to come up with the worst puns. most everything else right now is kind of shit but laughter is a refuge. it's medicine i usually usually won't take but my fellas are kind of forcing it on me and it's really helping.

So! Two Victorian ladies walk into a gay bar and...

fuck a rotisserie chicken?

the kind of kink I can get behind and in front of

mmm chicken grease watch out for them bones though

never!

So, need a read on something: got into a little tiff with another poet/writer over some of the drama revolving around the closing of this independent literary distribution. We quashed it, but one of the reasons why I was wary of this person beforehand is because they seemed to often target queer dudes in their online haterade-spewing. Sometimes I have agreed with the haterade— there is a lot of very mediocre work that happens to be made by queer dudes out there— but sometimes I have wondered: why does this person target queer dudes and trans people from NYC so much? Nothing conclusive, so just a thing in the back of my mind.

Yesterday, he posted a “joke” that reads as very supportive of the work of Tom Clark. Background info:

In Dorn's (and his wife Jennifer Dorn's) magazine Rolling Stock, #5, there appeared, written in collaboration with Tom Clark, an item called "The 1983 AIDS AWARDS FOR POETRY--In recognition of the current EPIDEMIC OF IDIOCY on the poetry scene." The page featured a large illustration of a test-tube of reddish liquid, presumably infected blood, which was the "prize."

The recipients of this "award" were Dennis Cooper ("for writing the most AIDS-like line of the year: "Mark's anus is wrinkled, pink, and simplistically rendered, but cute"); Clayton Eshleman (for "attacking a dead--and thus harmless--poet, Elizabeth Bishop" in a review in the LA Times Book Review); Robert Creeley (for writing extravagant blurbs for books by Stephen Rodefer and Joanne Kyger); Steve Abbott ("for accusing everybody who doesn't like him or his poetry of 'rabid homophobia'"); Allen Ginsberg (for claiming he wrote some lyrics for the rock group The Clash, when supposedly he hadn't); and finally, "WRITE-IN CANDIDATE" ("Fill in the name of your favorite POETRY IDIOT here.").

I don’t follow, but I don’t know who Tom Clark is, or why he was shunned. That AIDS award is really bleak!

I have a few gay friends who go full misanthropy in their online exhibitions. I don’t love it. They’ve crossed lines far too many times. “A few gay friends” actually just one, really, the others who do this I tend to keep distance

omg lol what was i talking about above

that was def a post brought to you by the party bus

ok here i am trying to parse:

"so glad i did a round" = OF DBT THERAPY

"i like the vernacular these days /
ppl did actually wake up in a lot of ways and i'm here for it" = the kids are woke have and instituted a cultural vernacular surrounding identity, sexual expression and gender that i admire

"i would recommend the promise of civilization during these days of early to mid twenties and i yearn to hear some more." = civilization actually does have some promise in the 2000s lol

ok that's the best that i can do

Thanks!!!

how are you lovey?? what's the day today?

<3 <3 <3 :)

i'm good! breathing easy because of an unexpected tax break :). about to go for a run in the sun.

what's going on w u?

omg taxes

well i had a unexpectedly loud wknd, like met all kinds of people and stayed up til 6 making out with my friend last night i mean what am i 16

exhaustion central!