Most pooterish Adrian Chiles column

As someone who suffers from IBS I approve of comrade Chile's solidarity on this matter.

I'm in Kyiv and awake at the darkest hour - do you need to use my toilet?

I have a question for Russian tank drivers...

Fascinating

having a good dump after a Chile

Piles of Chiles: The collected columns

Chiles has really excelled himself this time:

I have a urinal in my flat and it has changed my life – so why are people appalled?

tbf this is like the anti-pooter

👑

Undefeated. Undefeatable. pic.twitter.com/bukRbsWEEr

— Elvis Buñuelo (@Mr_Considerate) May 4, 2022

just getting into this guy, such a life

not only did my mum have a favourite wooden spoon, but it was so chipped and ancient and gnarly that HER mum wd refer to it (with affection) as "e coli"

I've got one.

i do too, coincidentally the cheapest one we have. here's 8 paragraphs about it.

I still haven't forgotten the time Chiles just sat there while some right-wing barrister cunt was talking barefaced lies about Hillsborough victims on his R5 show, and he didn't challenge him at all. When he's not being ingratiatingly Chiles he's just basically another BBC cunt.

I've got a stainless steel Prestige saucepan that is probably from the 1950's. It was given to my mum by my grandmother when she was still living in Ireland in the early 60's. It doesn't even look old, no dents, can still tighten the handle tight with a driver, the thread and screw still fine. It's more of a design miracle than any NASA project.

Kevin came bursting into my office this morning, asking if I'd read today's Chiles column... because "that's me, that's me, I have a favourite spoon too!"

(He doesn't read Private Eye, so knows nothing of the Me And My Spoon column.)

Gotta admit I kinda resent my wooden kitchen implements for having to be handwashed.

tbh i dishwash my wooden spoons (all of which were my mum's before me and are decades old and in fine fettle)

(not e coli tho, my sister says that went on the bonfire when we closed up mum and dad's house: she was less of a fan than my grandma)

Cometh the Hour, Cometh the Man pic.twitter.com/15HvMl1gM5

— HMP Groverhaus (@EssexFront) July 6, 2022

"Many men can look good wearing a codpiece. I am not one of them."

Wise words. I went one step further than Chiles and downloaded a fauna-identifying app and deleted it as soon as it started aggressively prompting me for bank details before I'd even tried it out.

I downloaded a couple of mushroom identification apps but they completely failed to tell me the one thing I wanted to know about mushrooms

it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!

"yes, it's definitely a pebble"

lol "it's a fucking cob"

I got a back-to-front West Brom tattoo - and I love it

Column doesn't say much more than the title so no real purpose in linking to it.

calzino at 9:14 6 Jul 22
it's not like identifying the edible ones and fatally poisonous mushrooms is any big deal!

In the nation’s hour of need

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/sep/21/i-recently-saw-something-in-a-petrol-station-toilet-southbound-on-the-m1-that-i-can-never-unsee

Misread the last sentence as Adrian offering his services to clean the bogs himself! No chance, best left to those who earn in 6 months what he was probably paid to dribble out this bilge.

yeah I was thinking exactly the same tbh - "I'd make sure the toilet cleaners did a proper job" is not exactly "he never misses". But I realised he was a lickspittle that day he gave some barrister arsehole free reign to slur Hillsborough victims on 5 live.

The King is BACK pic.twitter.com/xvBtldmunB

— Badger Meinhof (@Badger5000) October 27, 2022

sad to discover Chiles has never seen The Jerk

https://theap.substack.com/p/the-honourable-schoolboy

The one time Adrian Chiles says something moderately serious, they take the piss out of him with the photo... pic.twitter.com/OA3GZvdw1a

— David Andress (@ProfDaveAndress) March 2, 2023

Another classic has dropped

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/mar/15/i-have-a-naked-lookalike-and-he-is-making-a-fortune-on-onlyfans-adrian-chiles

Incredible development

https://t.co/Uxx5zi26Qc pic.twitter.com/nx8tg3jBnQ

— stephen (@stepheniscowboy) March 19, 2023

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/03/adrian-chiles-guardian-column-interview.html

Your columns have this cult appeal. People really love them. Has that surprised you?

Well, it does surprise me, but I’m always thinking people are half taking the piss, just because it can be so pooterish.

What a blessed human being. I reread the straight razor shave and nostril wax one regularly.

Hope that Chiles' drivel in this week's column about university contact hours and funding will finally stop the love-in about his journalism. Jesus wept.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/mar/29/english-students-spend-a-fortune-to-go-to-university-shouldnt-that-buy-them-more-teaching-and-less-partying

whenever he drops the ingratiating performance shtick all that remains is a clueless arsehole with reactionary and bad opinions, "he never misses" though. I guess you can get away with any old ill informed shit when you are married to the editor.

Heaven spare us from Adrian Chiles expounding on yet another thing he knows nothing about. Who the hell is paying him to compare a single French fashion student to the entire English university sector (based on a handful of people he vaguely knows)? Oh, wait...

— Caroline Dodds Pennock (@carolinepennock) March 30, 2023

Is he wrong? Maybe things have changed but when I spent a semester at Glasgow in the 90s it was party time, all the time. I had been intending to go for an entire year but I realised that I wasn't really learning anything so I went back to the US early.

The partying is as important a part of the uni experience as the learning, I think is the point. I learned way more about how to socialize and deal with ppl from my uni years than I learned about the subject I was studying.

https://i.imgur.com/CS7Afry.png

https://i.imgur.com/IfBiSEN.png

The bloom may be off the semi ironic “he never misses” rose but chiles generator is still a banger is basically how I break it down to an extent

It's now updated with all of his columns (260, apparently) and I've automated the parsing, though it's a bit buggy. Next stop a twitter bot, unless twitter dies first.

tired: most pooterish AC column
wired: most 'pooterish AI column

People are too in on this now e.g.

I thought I was immune to being fooled online. Then I saw the pope in a coat
Joel Golby