Swiping people left and right: the Tinder/hook-up culture discussion

"Also women are generally bombarded by dudes on these sites. Looks overwhelming to deal with."

For real. I was comparing notes with a friend who has Tinder Gold and has just about given up on the Sisyphean task of weeding through the 3k+ likes she has. Meanwhile I've received like 7. That's why I don't mind using the super likes. At least it lets women know, "Hi, I'm interested in you specifically"

maybe this is the year I actually do this ... idk ... i kinda was ok with the old school bars and parties model (not like, ok, as in wildly successful, just like, comfortable) ... i know there are people older than me on these things, but, the one time I made a profile and then inactivated it a few hours later, I got "matched" with 4 dudes I knew, one I think I had a friend date with years ago and the chemistry was not there, two dudes I would never be interested in, and the creepy coke-addict ex-bf of a former bandmate ...

Sarah, I mean no disrespect when I say this, but based on your account of setting up the app and deleting it a few hours later, you are at high risk of making yourself miserable. I speak from experience here: all of my experiences with dating apps have been miserable up until the past 2 or 3 months.

What changed was that I started to think of myself like one of those dudes you see fishing at the seashore with a dozen poles standing up in the sand. Cast your line, then forget about it and move on to the next one, because there is nothing you can do now to make the fish come sooner. Recognize that there is a good chance the person you're angling for doesn't even have the app installed on their phone anymore. (If you're using one of the apps that tells you "so&so has been active today," pay attention to it! Those people may be worth spending a little more energy on reading their profile and crafting a personalized intro.) Work in short bursts, sending intros to a few people who seem interesting, and when you feel your standards start to lower as you try to force something to happen -- it's time to log off for the day! Turn off the app notifications, go read a book, crack a beer (N/A for me), come back later in the week and see if you've caught anything. And never ever ever worry about how long it takes someone to reply, because every halfway datable person on these apps will occasionally forget to check them for a few days.

The part after you match is a little harder to give advice about. How long to talk before planning to meet, what red flags you want to look for before agreeing to a date, at what point you decide that they're wasting your time or catfishing you -- these are personal judgments you have to make for yourself. Fortunately, they get easier with practice. You *will* have a few bad experiences; don't feel too bad, because everybody does.

I hope this advice is at all useful to you. Happy hunting!

Sincerely,
A man who has used dating apps to meet women

idk, people feel things differently but when on a date do you have a moment when you share a look or conversational moment when you're emotionally charged? shared eye contact that you both take a second to break because you're mutually enjoying it, pausing because you're a little shocked by how something your date said just clicks with your personality? the thing is, those things are what you hope for on a date, but they can be completely serendipitous and shared by people who are not currently sizing each other up. I think experiencing those is what turns some people off of online or arranged dates -- they seem natural and not part of a selection process, even if it's with someone who might not have made the cut if you'd sized each other up online

― mh, Sunday, August 7, 2016 8:20 PM (six years ago)

Not having a great couple of months, and I keep thinking about this, though the first half tells me "hang on, just keep at it, the moment will arrive" while the second half tells me "delete, then have much more romantic presence of mind throughout the day, so you can recognize and honor those moments outside of formal date scenarios."