AGING PARENTS

The $$$ is a significant consideration because America. If she owns a home, it is not considered an asset when calculating Medicaid eligibility (in case I have not said it before one billion times, MEDICARE DOES NOT PAY FOR ASSISTED LIVING/MEMORY CARE/NURSING HOMES, NOT AT ALL, NOT A PENNY, HAVE A PLAN, THAT PLAN MAY BE MEDICAID***).

***not the great plan really, and it does require doing things like NOT selling a house generally

sorry for yelly

it's just really really important for planning purposes

hard agree with quincie, this stuff is super important

but ... aren't there situations where someone has to sell a home to pay for long-term care before he/she is eligible for Medicaid? all I know about this is that it's complicated and confusing, so more details would be welcome

a few years ago I went through some of this with my father (who had enough income to pay for memory care) and very recently watched it play out with a close friend's partner (who couldn't afford memory care), and the differences in their comfort and longevity were brutal.

My mother may have the money right now. But she's fiercely independent (as I will be if I live to her age); she just insists on living alone in squalor.

Medicaid varies somewhat by state, but unless you have a high-end property and a ton of equity in it, a primary residence is excluded as a countable asset for purposes of Medicaid qualification.

That said, game plan in my family is to sell off house and use proceeds for long term care, because while the Medicaid route can work, it ain’t pretty ime.

Jlu that sounds like many of my clients. They don’t/won’t make a move until there is no alternative. A fall is not infrequently what forces a change :(

Mom, Monday - "I think dad might have anxiety. maybe we should get anxiety meds."
Me: "Not a bad idea. but....this is also why yelling at him frequently isn't a good idea" (which I've told her a bazillion times)
Mom: "I know, I know...."

today

Mom proceeds to start barking at him in the bathroom cos he had the audacity to soil his diaper while at the doctor when he hadn't had an opportunity to go to the bathroom for several hours because he was at the doctor.

while I'm trying to supervise a training class.

I call her on it often, she often lashes back out ("I NEED HELP!", "THIS IS HARD!"), which...she's not wrong, no, and she's been fucked by the terrible healthcare system, but, at the same token...ain't helping dad out any either.

(I'm fine, because this is a 'regular' thing for us, just noting the yin/yang my mom have where I often have to be the 'good cop').

but, on the plus side, i think we've found a new adult day care. just wanting to wait a little longer for OMicron's plateau in FL to decrease a little more

(also....I have been doing a much better job of taking time to myself, which has me much more on an even keel. probably cos I'm drinking muuuuch less)

This summer we'll be moving to my wife's hometown. She got a job there that is a huge step up career wise, but we also need to help take care of her mom. She had a stroke a while back and recovered very well but we can tell her short term memory is shot and she falls down too often. I won't have a paying job for the foreseeable future; I'm going to take care of the house and the kids and keep an eye on the mother-in-law (and make art).

A big part of this is being a buffer between wife and MIL. They get a long pretty well for a few days and then wife gets touchy and cranky because of old resentments and before I know it she's being shitty to a daffy old lady. Thankfully MIL functions on her own pretty well, we don't need to live with her or even visit her every day for the time being. Although I need to check in often enough to keep her off the roads. Once we get settled we'll need to figure out when and how to get the car away from her.

the car issue is always "fun". be real careful with the being a buffer to understand the limits of you serving that function - it's important to remind the other person of their behavior to the other, but a few times I've felt pretty beat up when trying to do the same with my own mother towards my dad.

dad was doing real well, then the phys therapist they sent, who is very high-strung and stresses my mother out, showed up and freaked the fuck out at his heart rate, which was in the 90s-100s (which is high, borderline tachycardic, but it has been for years). his blood pressure has been fine. basically ended the phys therapy session early and demanded we set up an appointment with the doctor.

Doctor wasn't worried about it, said they weren't going to put him on a beta blocker again out of fear of slowing his heart too much, only to do it anyway. Mom went ahead and filled it, and since then, his heart rate is a lot lower, but sometimes his BP is low and he can barely move now. the nurse we saw today said (as I suspected) his body seems 'shocked' by the sudden drop in heart rate so he's weaker now.

so now (with doctor consultation) we're taking him back off of it. we're hoping to not be assigned that physical therapist again.

Hope things are okay, Neanderthal!

yeah as we expected, he's moving better again once he's off of the beta blocker.

so we good ! :)

Good to hear.

Word.

they're keeping dad on the beta blocker. but he's been slightly better since then, getting used to it.

now I'm thinking I might need a beta blocker, so I'm making an appointment at dad's cardiologist.

my resting heart rate has always been between 90-100, no matter what shape I'm in, and it has dad's down to a manageable 67-70, whereas mine has felt for decades like it's beating out of my chest.

beta buddies? maybe!

also it's dad's 74th birthday today. i sang happy birthday to him and he smiled.

My mom turned 73 yesterday. I called, we talked. This morning she emailed me to let me know her power (electricity & hot water) was down, but it was restored by the afternoon, which is good, because I would not have been able to help her in any way.

have learned just incredibly how bad with money mom has been by seeing the series of loans with shady companies mom took in what feels like mere minutes after their last bankruptcy in 2016.

I could not cure her debt issues unless I completely trashed my own future and took all of my savings out, and that would probably last all of ten minutes until she started doing it again. neither my brother are I are willing to sacrifice our entire futures, so we're really just helping stop some of the bleeding. which is still hurting us and neither of us would be able to do if we didn't both have well-paying jobs (trying to get my head around what we would have done if both of us were struggling or out of work).

it's more a 'sigh' than a table-bang at this point, mostly because a lot of the elderly are in this position, but this is what decades of "Well, we can't afford this, but we want it, and we'll find some way to pay for it later" does. especially considering mom seems to think loans are 'free money' and forgets the 'having to repay part'.

this was the saga of our relationship that was actually flaring up prior to the pandemic/dad's decline, that I put aside for the good of the family, but every so often I get reminded of it and I'm still not completely over it. during the times where mom and dad should have been thriving, failing to budget or limit big purchases or thinking of the future completely got them upside down and they've been struggling to get back above the surface for 15+ years. dad's disability just sent things into a death spiral because he had to outright stop working abruptly in 2019 after he got fired (arguably for something related to his disability, which they should have fought, but in fairness, it probably wouldn't have worked).

This is why I get mad when friends ask me "why do you act like you have no money, you make a good salary, you have savings", and I reply "yeah, and I too have a mountain of debt, some of which acquired in helping the folks, and I am not willing to wind up in the same situation they are if I can help it".

I don't know that they could have survived the great recession even if they had been good with money, but having to file for bankruptcy a second time literally the minute after their last one hits the "7 year" mark and then immediately setting themselves up for what will probably be a third in a few years from now means this will be a never-ending cycle. my brother and I are helping only as much as we can and avoid having the remainder of our lives ruined in the process, so it's a very thin tightrope.

(what shocked me is how many other people I found on the internet in a similar scenario).

one key example - in 2005, my folks borrowed $1,000 from me, promising to pay it back later in the year. instead of paying it back, they bought a flat-screen tv that cost more than that. even though they were making payments on it, those payments in essence prevented them from paying me back a little each month.

in 2012, they decided they wanted to go to New York for their 40th anniversary, and wanted us to join them. we'd agreed for months we'd all pay our own way, no sign or sound of concern over the expense. even when I asked. after everything had already been booked, dad said he really couldn't afford the trip but couldn't say "no" to mother and that he hadn't won the lottery, so could I give him $1000 (which was about more than a quarter of what I had saved up). I said ok, if he repaid me every month after, as that was going to hurt my savings. he made one repayment, then asked for it back, then never saw another dime.

again....I buried my frustration over this when shit hit the fan the past few years, but tonight, when my mom asks me to help her upload docs for the debt consolidation she's doing and I see all of the damage she did to them over the last few years....well, it reminds me that I'm still not entirely over it. even though I still love them both dearly.

I had emotional outbursts over it in years past, those won't happen again. there's no point, and it won't help anything. but let's just say I've been bailing my folks out financially for the entirety of my adult life. Literally since the moment I graduated high school, without interruption. so yeah, I'm an enabler. I just realized it wayyyy too late.

That is very frustrating to read, even. I'm so sorry you've been having to deal with it for so long.

yeah, that is really awful. i’m sorry they put you guys through this.

Literally cannot fathom the concept of doing this to my own kids. I guess the only lesson they've learned is that it'll all work out somehow because our sons will sort it out for us, so fuck it, let's do it again.

sillier note, but I'm in the other room and the physical therapist is working with my dad and all I hear is:

"PUSH! PULL! PUSH! PULL! OH YES OH YES, YOU STRONG MAN!
PUSH! AGAIN! PULL! PULL! OH YES SWEETHEART YOU ARE SO STRONG OH DON'T STOP!"

and trying not to giggle

mom got a job! 20 hours a week or so. and the hours are probably going to be like 4 or 5 a day (or maybe a few full time days and a lot of 'off' days) so it shouldn't negatively impact me being able to work and watch dad (plus we're probably sending him back to adult day care soon).

and the apartment complex FINALLY is building our handicapped ramp, a year later!

nice to get some good news.

and I just got a huge unexpected bonus.

please be the beginning of a big cycle of good news!!!!

congrats & congrats, that's all fantastic!

Yay! You're due for some good luck.

So I started openly talking to my mother about my looking to get a 2-bedroom place, which would be available to her. This happened while we were traveling to Minneapolis for a memorial service for my late Aunt Donna (her sister-in-law), so we were already discombobulated and facing change. My mother at this point wouldn't commit to moving in with me, but she did talk some about wanting to downsize. Baby steps?

My 80 year old dad, who got divorced in the past year, now has a girlfriend who is my age. Um, good for you, Dad?

was a good week for me to 'recover' mentally and emotionally, mom had a meltdown, her first in a while.

I'm getting better at this. weirdly due to increased upper body strength due to a) having to lift dad all the time to save mom from hurting her shoulder/back and b) being in a play that requires me to brandish a heavy-assed claymore the last two months.

tomorrow, though, we talk to the Area Agency on Aging for our annual re-evaluation of his eligibility for the LTC plan in Florida. we're on the waiting list, and he's rated a priority of 4 out of (I think) 7. but a lot has changed since that assessment, so hoping we get him moved up.

good thing is I now have a nurse I trust and can hire ad hoc now and then for short 3-4 hour spurts.

I got mom Tix to Paul McCartney months ago. Her and my bro were going. It was tonight. I was thrilled that she'd finally get to do something fun...after the last month.

She nearly passed out and threw up one hour in. She is with a paramedic now and my brother is with her.

One half of me is bawling because I was scared something is seriously wrong with her. The other half is upset that she is missing out on something she was looking forward to for ages.

I told dad and then collapsed crying on his shoulder as he hugged me.

Aw Ne. So sorry.

I hope your mom is doing okay now - how scary! I hope it was brought on by the overwhelming excitement of the evening and nothing more, and that she thoroughly enjoyed that first hour. So sorry it hit you hard, what a double whammy.

heat exhaustion. she's ok. I recognized what it was when I got the details from her specifically, cos I've had it before.

Dad is coming off of the wait list for Long-Term Care for Florida. I am stunned. thought it would never happen.

assuming all of the paperwork from here on out goes to plan, we may have help by August.

which would be, frankly, life-changing for my mother and I.

good luck, Neanderthal.

Medicaid application is away! (wasn't too hard as we started doing it in preparation last year, so only had to update 2022 data).

i'm wondering what kind of care they're going to recommend, they have to do a visit of the house to evaluate and give us options. still, excited that some form help is on the way, whether it's home care, adult day care, assisted living, etc.

mom was worried that when she goes to surgery, I will be too overwhelmed taking care of dad during her recovery, so yesterday I woke dad up in the morning, and his diaper was FULL, and I took him into the bathroom and cleaned him up myself to prove to her that I could do it. and I was fine. now, if I can get my brother to do that....but lol that will never happen. and that's aight, he can help with other stuff.

humorous moment this morning.

mom hands dad a washcloth to try and get him to clean his, y'know, cos she is at a bad angle to do it.

Mom: "come on, wash 'down there'. no! i need you to wash 'down there! come on! WASH 'DOWN THERE!'. what aren't you getting me?

Me: (from next door room) WASH YOUR COCK AND BALLS DAD

Mom: ok he's doing it

just random stand-up around the house today

Mom: Ugh, this toilet paper I bought yesterday is for SHIT

Me: Yes, mom, it quite literally is.

less comedic...dad fell backwards into the bathtub in the bathroom today.

fortunately my bro was already coming over to give me relief tonight, dad seems to be sore but ok. and he answered all of our questions (what's your name, what's my name) just fine.

if he looks wonky they will take him to the hospital later while I'm taking time for myself.

one happened mere minutes after the one. this household is fast lol

that's a lot to handle! ... I am driving down Sunday to see my aging parents (76) ... mom recently got diagnosed with high blood pressure and congestive heart failure and whenever she has a medical problem, she wants to have "the talk" about "how things will be when she is gone" and how to set things up so that my dad doesn't have to struggle with having to do the numerous adult things that he doesn't know how to do because my mom always did them for him (and before that, his mom did for him).

ugh - always an uncomfortable topic for more reasons than one. I'm sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis - do they have her on beta blockers?

yeah, mom is on meds ... not sure what kind. They had to reassure her that they wouldn't impair her cognitive function. Like, she has arthritis in her knees/legs but will only take the minimum dose of ibuprofen because she doesn't want to be impaired or become a victim of the opiate epidemic.

I am officially reminding myself to check to see if they have enabled the GPS on dad's car so that he is less likely to get lost when driving places. ... As far as we know, he doesn't have alzheimer's, he has always had a horrible sense of direction, but apparently it has gotten worse in the past year or so?

It's always hard to tell when memory lapses in our elderly loved ones are actually something to worry about or just a natural part of aging. I know there's cognitive tests that can be done. my friend begged his dad to take one a few years ago.

so, dad became estranged from his family back in the mid-2000s. a real shame, because his side of the family was a HOOT. grandpa was from Palermo I think, grandma from Sicily, my dad, his two sisters, and half brother all grew up in New York (Smithtown I think). eventually almost everybody on dad's side of the family moved to Ft Myers Florida, and of course my mother. dad's family stayed in Ft Myers, my folks eventually moved to the Central Florida area, outside Orlando.

so we used to visit them frequently, my brother and I loved listening to our aunts yammer on and bust my dad's balls. sometimes they'd visit. but for whatever reason, dad had a fight with them and we pretty much never saw them again after 2005. one of my aunts died from heart failure due to chronic smoking (I think that was 2010), and dad did go to the funeral. this lead him to re-open communication with his other sister, but because my folks were living in North Carolina until 2015, and dad's health issues started the next year, never visited her again.

Until tonight. She's in town and we are going to see her. She is probably going to be a bit shocked by dad, because the last time she saw him, he still had all of his faculties and now she's fast-forwarding past a lot of degradation and getting hit by it all at once. but I'm excited as I think this is good for dad, I think it will brighten him up, and hell, I wanna see her too, it's been forever.

(so I muddled the timeline a bit there, but it goes - folks moved from NY to Ft Myers, FL in the early 70s, by the 80s had moved to Central Florida, stayed here until 2009, when they moved to Raleigh, NC (trying to start over after bankruptcy...ha), then came back here in 2015 (whereas my bro and I have been rooted to the spot since we were born here). The hospital I was born at is 5 minutes away from my apt lol.

Mom for whatever reason, known only to her, frequently throws away plungers. today she plugged the toilet up and as I got ready to get the plunger, she told me "oh I don't think I have one anymore", and when I asked why the fuck she threw it away, she kept saying "it was in the wastebasket!" after the last time I unplugged the toilet (because...I had put it in there temporarily while I was cleaning the floor last time? and you have no autonomy to take it out of the wastebasket?)

so anyway she gets another one, but I'm in meetings, and she is terrible at using it, and instead of her waiting for me to do it (even though we have another working toilet), she tries to unplug it, overflows the toilet, doesn't know how to shut the water off, so I had to interrupt my meeting and run in and show her while she's wailing and moaning.

the folks also didn't have a plunger during Hurricane Maria in 2017 when dad plugged it up and I came over to keep them company.

wtf.

tomorrow is D-day, mom's lung surgery. dad is still here because he's failed a swallow study. I am off of work for the next week, my brother is off the next two days and most evenings. we're all in.

anxious but stoic at the moment. stress gave me a migraine yesterday but today I'm more in take action and conquer mode.

going to be a wreck until I hear mom's out of surgery tomorrow but thankful my bro will be with her (I'll be with dad).