AGING PARENTS

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(please picture me knocking on huge planks of wood as I typed all that)

they were written with a ouija board and a rhyming dictionary (Neanderthal), Saturday, 22 January 2022 17:52 (two years ago) link

Got a fun email from my mom yesterday...I'll excerpt the relevant sections.

Yesterday morning I delivered myself to a dermatologist for Mohs surgery. I had a suspicious spot on my left temple, very close to the hairline. Generally, it was dry and sometimes flaky; however, one day in October, I had blood running down the side of my face. The biopsy was done 2 weeks ago and indicated basal cell carcinoma.

...

The procedure was done in Morristown and went smoothly. The doctor did two scrapes to get to clear skin. There are sutures which stay in place until next week. I haven't yet removed the big pressure bandage but must do it this afternoon (24 hours). I have no idea what the surgical damage is but any scar will be under my hair. It's nearly impossible to see the spot because it is right behind the temple piece of my glasses and without said glasses, I cannot see at all.

Nonetheless, I am home for the next week feeling unsettled and unable to either drink alcohol or exercise to work off my general anxiety. Stitches come out next week on Wednesday.

...

I will need to see a dermatologist every 6 months for the next few years and need to go for a whole body check after this spot heals.

This is the first I'm hearing about any of this and the inciting incident took place in October! Thanks for the update, Mom!

but also fuck you (unperson), Saturday, 22 January 2022 18:57 (two years ago) link

Oh my in-laws were famous for that. Like,"oh well Harold went to the ER in an ambulance with chest pain two Fridays ago, but he is feeling better now."

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Saturday, 22 January 2022 20:09 (two years ago) link

I have a friend whose father had a heart attack one morning, and drove himself to the hospital while my friend slept in the other room. The first he heard about it was the hospital calling to say his father was in a coma.

Halfway there but for you, Saturday, 22 January 2022 22:24 (two years ago) link

DAMN. My mother tripped on the cats and fell down the stairs, injuring her leg enough that she went to urgent care. She only told my sister and myself this afterwards.

Does anyone here have experience/advice/recommendations on moving an aging parent into one's household (as distinguished from moving back home to a parent's house)? For years I've talked about wanting to buy a 2+ bedroom condo, within walking distance of Metrorail and retail, "if my finances ever permit." I did not say out loud that the second bedroom would be for my mother or other aging relatives, but that was always the assumption.

Well, my finances just now might permit, and I've identified a neighborhood with certain recent developments that check off a great many points on my wishlist. (Fun fact, given ILX's origin as a music forum: I would be literally going back to Rockville.)

I floated the idea with my sister, and she immediately said Mom and I would drive each other crazy. And she's probably correct. But I'm already facing the major life change of menopause. Should I be considering this change as well?

Infanta Terrible (j.lu), Monday, 24 January 2022 14:29 (two years ago) link

Would your mother even go along with this if you told her ( and you decided that you could deal with it despite your sister’s comments)?

curmudgeon, Monday, 24 January 2022 16:31 (two years ago) link

I haven't even discussed it with her. I don't imagine she'd be eager to take me up on the offer.

Infanta Terrible (j.lu), Monday, 24 January 2022 17:18 (two years ago) link

Maybe just get the house, if it appeals to you either way, and mention it to her as an option---if you really think it might work out, that is---and maybe she'll eventually come around, without a hard sell---?

dow, Monday, 24 January 2022 17:50 (two years ago) link

And even if she didn't, it might be good to have if she really could not live on her own.

dow, Monday, 24 January 2022 17:57 (two years ago) link

(As long as you don't overburden yourself, of course.)

dow, Monday, 24 January 2022 17:58 (two years ago) link

some suggestions, though my situation was different:

1) Make sure she is amenable to it. resistance at first is normal and ok but if she goes along with it but doesn't really want to, it'll lead to resentments later.

2) Agree up front on 'house rules' , like with any other roommate. It's hard to adjust to someone else's habits when you're used to going solo, even more so when it's family.

3) I don't know your mother, so have to kind of give 'conditional' suggestions, but if your mother is the type that is resistant to help, try to frame it as an offer rather than a demand. rather than 'I'm going to go grocery shopping for you' or 'I will left this for you', framing it as "would you like some help with that?", "can I help you get groceries this week?" etc.

4) make time for yourself to be out of the house periodically, for 'me time'.

Thanks. I assure you I am at the beginning of this process. (You've heard "Look before you leap"? I tend to look so deeply and intently I sometimes never get around to leaping.)

(Also, if the markets continue on their current trajectory, I may not be in such an advantageous position financially after all.)

Infanta Terrible (j.lu), Monday, 24 January 2022 18:34 (two years ago) link

MoCo has better aging services than DC, and way more assisted living/memory care/nursing homes if she ever needed that.

If living together wasn't working out, would she have the $$$ to move out and into independent living/assisted living/memory care/nursing care???

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Monday, 24 January 2022 22:28 (two years ago) link

The $$$ is a significant consideration because America. If she owns a home, it is not considered an asset when calculating Medicaid eligibility (in case I have not said it before one billion times, MEDICARE DOES NOT PAY FOR ASSISTED LIVING/MEMORY CARE/NURSING HOMES, NOT AT ALL, NOT A PENNY, HAVE A PLAN, THAT PLAN MAY BE MEDICAID***).

***not the great plan really, and it does require doing things like NOT selling a house generally

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Monday, 24 January 2022 22:34 (two years ago) link

sorry for yelly

it's just really really important for planning purposes

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Monday, 24 January 2022 22:36 (two years ago) link

hard agree with quincie, this stuff is super important

but ... aren't there situations where someone has to sell a home to pay for long-term care before he/she is eligible for Medicaid? all I know about this is that it's complicated and confusing, so more details would be welcome

a few years ago I went through some of this with my father (who had enough income to pay for memory care) and very recently watched it play out with a close friend's partner (who couldn't afford memory care), and the differences in their comfort and longevity were brutal.

Brad C., Monday, 24 January 2022 23:27 (two years ago) link

My mother may have the money right now. But she's fiercely independent (as I will be if I live to her age); she just insists on living alone in squalor.

Infanta Terrible (j.lu), Tuesday, 25 January 2022 02:32 (two years ago) link

Medicaid varies somewhat by state, but unless you have a high-end property and a ton of equity in it, a primary residence is excluded as a countable asset for purposes of Medicaid qualification.

That said, game plan in my family is to sell off house and use proceeds for long term care, because while the Medicaid route can work, it ain’t pretty ime.

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Tuesday, 25 January 2022 02:35 (two years ago) link

Jlu that sounds like many of my clients. They don’t/won’t make a move until there is no alternative. A fall is not infrequently what forces a change :(

mom tossed in kimchee (quincie), Tuesday, 25 January 2022 02:37 (two years ago) link

Mom, Monday - "I think dad might have anxiety. maybe we should get anxiety meds."
Me: "Not a bad idea. but....this is also why yelling at him frequently isn't a good idea" (which I've told her a bazillion times)
Mom: "I know, I know...."

today

Mom proceeds to start barking at him in the bathroom cos he had the audacity to soil his diaper while at the doctor when he hadn't had an opportunity to go to the bathroom for several hours because he was at the doctor.

while I'm trying to supervise a training class.

I call her on it often, she often lashes back out ("I NEED HELP!", "THIS IS HARD!"), which...she's not wrong, no, and she's been fucked by the terrible healthcare system, but, at the same token...ain't helping dad out any either.

(I'm fine, because this is a 'regular' thing for us, just noting the yin/yang my mom have where I often have to be the 'good cop').

they were written with a ouija board and a rhyming dictionary (Neanderthal), Thursday, 27 January 2022 22:40 (two years ago) link

but, on the plus side, i think we've found a new adult day care. just wanting to wait a little longer for OMicron's plateau in FL to decrease a little more

they were written with a ouija board and a rhyming dictionary (Neanderthal), Thursday, 27 January 2022 22:40 (two years ago) link

(also....I have been doing a much better job of taking time to myself, which has me much more on an even keel. probably cos I'm drinking muuuuch less)

they were written with a ouija board and a rhyming dictionary (Neanderthal), Thursday, 27 January 2022 22:43 (two years ago) link

This summer we'll be moving to my wife's hometown. She got a job there that is a huge step up career wise, but we also need to help take care of her mom. She had a stroke a while back and recovered very well but we can tell her short term memory is shot and she falls down too often. I won't have a paying job for the foreseeable future; I'm going to take care of the house and the kids and keep an eye on the mother-in-law (and make art).

A big part of this is being a buffer between wife and MIL. They get a long pretty well for a few days and then wife gets touchy and cranky because of old resentments and before I know it she's being shitty to a daffy old lady. Thankfully MIL functions on her own pretty well, we don't need to live with her or even visit her every day for the time being. Although I need to check in often enough to keep her off the roads. Once we get settled we'll need to figure out when and how to get the car away from her.

Cow_Art, Friday, 28 January 2022 04:23 (two years ago) link

the car issue is always "fun". be real careful with the being a buffer to understand the limits of you serving that function - it's important to remind the other person of their behavior to the other, but a few times I've felt pretty beat up when trying to do the same with my own mother towards my dad.

he's very big in the region of my butthole (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 2 February 2022 19:05 (two years ago) link

dad was doing real well, then the phys therapist they sent, who is very high-strung and stresses my mother out, showed up and freaked the fuck out at his heart rate, which was in the 90s-100s (which is high, borderline tachycardic, but it has been for years). his blood pressure has been fine. basically ended the phys therapy session early and demanded we set up an appointment with the doctor.

Doctor wasn't worried about it, said they weren't going to put him on a beta blocker again out of fear of slowing his heart too much, only to do it anyway. Mom went ahead and filled it, and since then, his heart rate is a lot lower, but sometimes his BP is low and he can barely move now. the nurse we saw today said (as I suspected) his body seems 'shocked' by the sudden drop in heart rate so he's weaker now.

so now (with doctor consultation) we're taking him back off of it. we're hoping to not be assigned that physical therapist again.

he's very big in the region of my butthole (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 2 February 2022 19:08 (two years ago) link

Hope things are okay, Neanderthal!

we need outrage! we need dicks!! (the table is the table), Friday, 4 February 2022 23:29 (two years ago) link

yeah as we expected, he's moving better again once he's off of the beta blocker.

he's very big in the region of my butthole (Neanderthal), Saturday, 5 February 2022 00:29 (two years ago) link

so we good ! :)

he's very big in the region of my butthole (Neanderthal), Saturday, 5 February 2022 00:29 (two years ago) link

Good to hear.

we need outrage! we need dicks!! (the table is the table), Saturday, 5 February 2022 03:13 (two years ago) link

Word.

dow, Saturday, 5 February 2022 07:29 (two years ago) link

they're keeping dad on the beta blocker. but he's been slightly better since then, getting used to it.

now I'm thinking I might need a beta blocker, so I'm making an appointment at dad's cardiologist.

my resting heart rate has always been between 90-100, no matter what shape I'm in, and it has dad's down to a manageable 67-70, whereas mine has felt for decades like it's beating out of my chest.

beta buddies? maybe!

also it's dad's 74th birthday today. i sang happy birthday to him and he smiled.

sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Friday, 18 February 2022 22:02 (two years ago) link

My mom turned 73 yesterday. I called, we talked. This morning she emailed me to let me know her power (electricity & hot water) was down, but it was restored by the afternoon, which is good, because I would not have been able to help her in any way.

but also fuck you (unperson), Friday, 18 February 2022 22:11 (two years ago) link

have learned just incredibly how bad with money mom has been by seeing the series of loans with shady companies mom took in what feels like mere minutes after their last bankruptcy in 2016.

I could not cure her debt issues unless I completely trashed my own future and took all of my savings out, and that would probably last all of ten minutes until she started doing it again. neither my brother are I are willing to sacrifice our entire futures, so we're really just helping stop some of the bleeding. which is still hurting us and neither of us would be able to do if we didn't both have well-paying jobs (trying to get my head around what we would have done if both of us were struggling or out of work).

it's more a 'sigh' than a table-bang at this point, mostly because a lot of the elderly are in this position, but this is what decades of "Well, we can't afford this, but we want it, and we'll find some way to pay for it later" does. especially considering mom seems to think loans are 'free money' and forgets the 'having to repay part'.

this was the saga of our relationship that was actually flaring up prior to the pandemic/dad's decline, that I put aside for the good of the family, but every so often I get reminded of it and I'm still not completely over it. during the times where mom and dad should have been thriving, failing to budget or limit big purchases or thinking of the future completely got them upside down and they've been struggling to get back above the surface for 15+ years. dad's disability just sent things into a death spiral because he had to outright stop working abruptly in 2019 after he got fired (arguably for something related to his disability, which they should have fought, but in fairness, it probably wouldn't have worked).

This is why I get mad when friends ask me "why do you act like you have no money, you make a good salary, you have savings", and I reply "yeah, and I too have a mountain of debt, some of which acquired in helping the folks, and I am not willing to wind up in the same situation they are if I can help it".

I don't know that they could have survived the great recession even if they had been good with money, but having to file for bankruptcy a second time literally the minute after their last one hits the "7 year" mark and then immediately setting themselves up for what will probably be a third in a few years from now means this will be a never-ending cycle. my brother and I are helping only as much as we can and avoid having the remainder of our lives ruined in the process, so it's a very thin tightrope.

(what shocked me is how many other people I found on the internet in a similar scenario).

sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 1 March 2022 03:55 (two years ago) link

one key example - in 2005, my folks borrowed $1,000 from me, promising to pay it back later in the year. instead of paying it back, they bought a flat-screen tv that cost more than that. even though they were making payments on it, those payments in essence prevented them from paying me back a little each month.

in 2012, they decided they wanted to go to New York for their 40th anniversary, and wanted us to join them. we'd agreed for months we'd all pay our own way, no sign or sound of concern over the expense. even when I asked. after everything had already been booked, dad said he really couldn't afford the trip but couldn't say "no" to mother and that he hadn't won the lottery, so could I give him $1000 (which was about more than a quarter of what I had saved up). I said ok, if he repaid me every month after, as that was going to hurt my savings. he made one repayment, then asked for it back, then never saw another dime.

again....I buried my frustration over this when shit hit the fan the past few years, but tonight, when my mom asks me to help her upload docs for the debt consolidation she's doing and I see all of the damage she did to them over the last few years....well, it reminds me that I'm still not entirely over it. even though I still love them both dearly.

I had emotional outbursts over it in years past, those won't happen again. there's no point, and it won't help anything. but let's just say I've been bailing my folks out financially for the entirety of my adult life. Literally since the moment I graduated high school, without interruption. so yeah, I'm an enabler. I just realized it wayyyy too late.

sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 1 March 2022 04:02 (two years ago) link

That is very frustrating to read, even. I'm so sorry you've been having to deal with it for so long.

we need outrage! we need dicks!! (the table is the table), Tuesday, 1 March 2022 22:52 (two years ago) link

yeah, that is really awful. i’m sorry they put you guys through this.

*hic* (cat), Wednesday, 2 March 2022 00:10 (two years ago) link

Literally cannot fathom the concept of doing this to my own kids. I guess the only lesson they've learned is that it'll all work out somehow because our sons will sort it out for us, so fuck it, let's do it again.

assert (matttkkkk), Wednesday, 2 March 2022 01:44 (two years ago) link

sillier note, but I'm in the other room and the physical therapist is working with my dad and all I hear is:

"PUSH! PULL! PUSH! PULL! OH YES OH YES, YOU STRONG MAN!
PUSH! AGAIN! PULL! PULL! OH YES SWEETHEART YOU ARE SO STRONG OH DON'T STOP!"

and trying not to giggle

i read to 69 position (Neanderthal), Tuesday, 8 March 2022 20:05 (two years ago) link

mom got a job! 20 hours a week or so. and the hours are probably going to be like 4 or 5 a day (or maybe a few full time days and a lot of 'off' days) so it shouldn't negatively impact me being able to work and watch dad (plus we're probably sending him back to adult day care soon).

and the apartment complex FINALLY is building our handicapped ramp, a year later!

nice to get some good news.

i read to 69 position (Neanderthal), Thursday, 10 March 2022 16:17 (two years ago) link

and I just got a huge unexpected bonus.

please be the beginning of a big cycle of good news!!!!

i read to 69 position (Neanderthal), Friday, 11 March 2022 16:44 (two years ago) link

congrats & congrats, that's all fantastic!

A Certain Catio (cat), Friday, 11 March 2022 18:32 (two years ago) link

Yay! You're due for some good luck.

Christine Green Leafy Dragon Indigo, Friday, 11 March 2022 18:36 (two years ago) link

one month passes...

So I started openly talking to my mother about my looking to get a 2-bedroom place, which would be available to her. This happened while we were traveling to Minneapolis for a memorial service for my late Aunt Donna (her sister-in-law), so we were already discombobulated and facing change. My mother at this point wouldn't commit to moving in with me, but she did talk some about wanting to downsize. Baby steps?

Infanta Terrible (j.lu), Tuesday, 10 May 2022 17:14 (one year ago) link

My 80 year old dad, who got divorced in the past year, now has a girlfriend who is my age. Um, good for you, Dad?

immodesty blaise (jimbeaux), Tuesday, 10 May 2022 17:19 (one year ago) link

was a good week for me to 'recover' mentally and emotionally, mom had a meltdown, her first in a while.

I'm getting better at this. weirdly due to increased upper body strength due to a) having to lift dad all the time to save mom from hurting her shoulder/back and b) being in a play that requires me to brandish a heavy-assed claymore the last two months.

tomorrow, though, we talk to the Area Agency on Aging for our annual re-evaluation of his eligibility for the LTC plan in Florida. we're on the waiting list, and he's rated a priority of 4 out of (I think) 7. but a lot has changed since that assessment, so hoping we get him moved up.

good thing is I now have a nurse I trust and can hire ad hoc now and then for short 3-4 hour spurts.

Deez NFTs (Neanderthal), Thursday, 12 May 2022 19:52 (one year ago) link

two weeks pass...

I got mom Tix to Paul McCartney months ago. Her and my bro were going. It was tonight. I was thrilled that she'd finally get to do something fun...after the last month.

She nearly passed out and threw up one hour in. She is with a paramedic now and my brother is with her.

One half of me is bawling because I was scared something is seriously wrong with her. The other half is upset that she is missing out on something she was looking forward to for ages.

I told dad and then collapsed crying on his shoulder as he hugged me.

Gymnopédie Pablo (Neanderthal), Sunday, 29 May 2022 01:39 (one year ago) link

Aw Ne. So sorry.

dow, Sunday, 29 May 2022 03:58 (one year ago) link

I hope your mom is doing okay now - how scary! I hope it was brought on by the overwhelming excitement of the evening and nothing more, and that she thoroughly enjoyed that first hour. So sorry it hit you hard, what a double whammy.

Jaq, Sunday, 29 May 2022 13:44 (one year ago) link

heat exhaustion. she's ok. I recognized what it was when I got the details from her specifically, cos I've had it before.

Dad is coming off of the wait list for Long-Term Care for Florida. I am stunned. thought it would never happen.

assuming all of the paperwork from here on out goes to plan, we may have help by August.

which would be, frankly, life-changing for my mother and I.

Gymnopédie Pablo (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 8 June 2022 16:57 (one year ago) link

good luck, Neanderthal.

sleep, that's where I'm the cousin of death (PBKR), Wednesday, 8 June 2022 18:10 (one year ago) link


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