Kids say the darndest things

We were walking home from school recently and a girl in my kid's 1st grade class was near us and when she turned at the corner she pointed at my son and said "I'M SENDING YOU TO HELL". He smiled at pointed back and said "NO, I'M SENDING YOU TO HELL".

I looked back and saw the girl's mom crouched down talking to her, so I went back and talked a bit - the mom wasn't offended at all, but was wondering where her daughter picked up this phrase. I realized that my kid had picked it up the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode where Ned Flanders was the devil which was kind of a relief to her.

This prompted a discussion on the rest of the walk home about how some people actually get really offended at the use of 'damn' and 'hell', which to him were no where near as bad as some of the other words we constantly use but only at home. We talked about heaven and hell and christianity and crosses, which he realized explained the '"t" necklace' the girl in his class wears (which of course was an arrested development joke and I lost my shit).

Anyway it finished up with talking about mono vs polytheism which led to us googling pictures of hindu deities which he compared favorably to pokemon.

Have you guys seen this? Flight of the Conchords interview a bunch of cute NZ kids and then write a song with their responses:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=py_30jZGUYk

My kid recently went through a week of saying "Jah," b/c he learned about how some say that to avoid using the name of God (he wanted to hedge his bets, I guess).

— bob marley

the one time i gently corrected her she said "yes i know but my way is better"

lol finally we get the mark s origin story

7yo said the 11yo's wrestling name should be "the masked boner"

she meant bc he is bony

Opal's best friend Peter, also 2 months shy of 5 years old said "I remember that time we went to the contest. It was raining and we were at grandma and grandpa's and had signs"

It was a black lives matter protest. Not contest.

awww

i had a jazz record on last night - grant green - and i mentioned his solo, and my 13yo is like “you mean guitars can…. solo?” and i was like wow, we’ve come a long way, baby

"I like blood, but only when it's in a body, not when it's coming out"

otm

A public swimming pool near our place was recently demolished. When the fence had been put up and they were getting ready to knock it down, my kid (6 or 7 at the time) said "A swimming pool is the only building you can murder because the water is like the blood flowing out".

"Did she legally change her name to Babe Ruth, or did people just start calling her that?"

lolololol these are wonderful! I just got caught up and I love all of your amazing genius children.

Probably the most bittersweet thing he said as a toddler was: “When I’m grown up, I’m going to sleep in your bedroom with you and mommy.” Just this conception that he had, of everything in his world being stable and unchanged (except he would move into the grown-up room)… it kind of choked me up.

I remember when my friend's two sons thought they would always live with their mom, and she must have said something like, "But what if you want to get married?" and they said one of them would go find a wife and bring her back home to live--they agreed that the one who was better at kissing had better do it.

-I want a spy kit.

-Who would you spy on?

-My parents. Or if there was a poodle walking down the street I would spy on it. "Operation Sus Poodle".

A riddle.

What did Libya say to the country just south of it?

Hey Chad, stop wearing me as a hat!

When we're sitting down and our two-year-old wants us to stand up, she now says "Daddy get up your bum" "Mummmy get up your bum". She also likes squatting over a drain and yelling BIG FART BIG FART. Very proud. GET UP YOUR BUM

family of four sitting near to me whilst i was on my break at an airport. little boy slyly kicks younger sister, mum spots him and tells him to apologise, boy denies having kicked sister. mum kicks boy. boy cries and goes to sit next to dad

boy:she kicked me, do something about it
dad: you shouldn't have kicked your sister
boy: but i didn't, and anyway she's not allowed to kick me, do something about it
man: what can i do?
boy: get rid of her!!
man: what???
boy: get rid of her, people do it all the time!

:/

transportation hubs are great for witnessing physical abuse

That sounds like the villain origin scene where it's revealed that he's always been a psychopath.

4yo telling me about the bad dream that woke him up. In it I apparently asked if he wanted to go to the shops with me but then didn't take him (so was left on his own?).
Anyway, I told him 'that dream's gone away now'. And he said "I hope it's gone into 'George'" (a naughty boy at his pre-school).

Fuckin George

take that george

Tutoring a primary school kid to help him read; the book we'd just finished had superheroes. "Do you like superhero movies?" I ask, trying to find out what kind of stories he likes. "Not reallly". So what kind of movies do you like? None. TV shows? None. Video games? None. So what do you do for fun?

"I just sit around".

relatable

My 10 year-old added this to the to do list on my desk:

* BOMB PUTIN

lol!

4yo, eating lunch, out of nowhere: i don't even know what a caterpillar's dream is

(turns out he was talking about the Hungry Caterpillar game on the ipad)

I don't usually get to post in this thread because my elder one is past the cute stage and into teen surliness, and the younger one is pretty nonverbal.

Anyway Sam was watching the 1991 animated "Beauty and the Beast." He paused it and pointed to the bookseller, then to me, and said "Same!"

I tried to figure out what he meant - we both have grey hair? Vaguely bearded? We both wear glasses and like books?

Sam thought for a moment and said, "Dad is nerd?"

Sigh. Yes. Dad is nerd.

ahaha sorry man

Classic.

Love it.

Opal's really into drawing and she starting to learn how to write (a bit) and read (a very little bit) so she's always asking us how to spell words. Tonight as she was lying in bed and I was looking for a book for her to read, she said "daddy, how do you spell pazook". I had to ask her 5 times what word she was trying to ask about and kept saying "that's not a real word" and finally "can you use it in a sentence" and she said, you know, when you're surprised and you say oh my, pazooks! So I said, do you mean "gadzooks"? and she said yeah. It was just cute, and I have no idea where she got it in her head to say "gadzooks". She ended up making a 2pg comic strip on two stickies. One had a guy's face and a talk bubble that said "boo!" (officially the first word she ever learned to spell/write) and the other page had another guy, seemingly shocked, saying "gadzooks!"

that is really cute and clever and darling

My 7yo went on and on praising Lee Harvey Oswald's marksmanship-- "He was a very good shot. You can't take that away from him."

That is exactly the right response! 🤣

a future @dril on our hands

LOL'ing

Opal has never heard a Weird Al song but it's come up once or twice, where I've explained how he sang "eat it" or whatever. I guess it's one of those things that stuck with her because this morning we were talking about Ain't No Stopping Us Now, which is what her school plays as all the kids come out for pick-up (which is insanely cute), and I referred to it as the pick-up song and said "I thought you said hiccup song" and I said no and she said "that's what Weird Al would sing, he'd call it the hiccup song".

Just kinda cracked me up that she'd think about that. I guess I should probably play her some Weird Al. But I guess I have to play her the original songs too.

Aw man, that's so cute.

My youngest is 11. He's at the age where he's more or less self-sufficient and has developed a sense of modesty. However, I occasionally give him a hand with washing his hair because it starts to smell like wet dog. Last night, as I was rubbing shampoo into his scalp, he said, "You don't have to be so damn aggressive."

oh man, the "wet dog" smell – can totally relate.

This isn't really a "darndest thing"; but last week, I told my son he could open an Incognito tab in Chrome, for a coding project he was working on (something about being able to have two accounts open at once, without being logged in on one of them). I told him, straight up – "Please don't use Incognito mode without asking us; we need to know what you're doing online." (I figure if he knows about Incognito mode, may as well be straight about it and have to rely on trust.)

Later, he asked, "Why would someone use Incognito mode, anyway?" I was like, "Uh... for example, if you share a computer with someone and you're shopping for a gift, and don't want them to see." He said, "But that's the only reason, right?" I told him sometimes ppl just don't want cookies on their computer, etc.

To cheat at Wordle

At preschool pickup this week, a classmate of our daughter walked by, and our daughter said:

“Well, she’s living her best life!”

(she sometimes picks up phrases like that without quite knowing what they mean)

We were driving into bright sunshine this morning and the eldest one said "Ah. The sun. My beloathed."

goth?

That's amazing.

Local news was on the TV, due to fires nearby (we don't normally have the news on). My kid:

"Why is he standing in front of a fire, and talking to the camera?"
– It's the news, he's reporting from the scene.
"Isn't that breaking the fourth wall?"