xp aw thanks :) you know, i suspect that in your ex's case, family members may have been playing a part. i've heard it tends to become a problem because the church is obsessed with tracking people and if you have family members letting them know where you have moved to, the harassment never ends. the way i got my name removed from their records was through a lawyer doing pro bono work - iirc, there was language included that stipulated if they were to try contacting me again, there would be legal action. i think that flips a few switches to 'off' internally. anyway, i've never had them try to reach me again, and it's been almost 10 years.
yeah i pretty much classify being raised in these kind of cultlike "churches" (including american evangelism) as abuse.
― Nedlene Grendel as Basenji Holmo (map), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 18:40 (two years ago) link
The night before re-opening, the end of furlough, I practised out-loud in a mirror saying "I'm going to need you to take a step back." "I'm going to need you to put a mask on." "I'm going to need you to wait outside as we are at our capacity limit." I did this enough times that I could hear my own voice saying it, and how to sound warm and polite, yet assertive and unmovable, ensuring my language and demeanour suggested all this was non-negotionable and also so obvious as to be undeniable. I found this strategy really worked for me, and I encouraged my staff to employ it too, and we had very little pushback on it, thankfully.
At the very beginning of the pandemic I thought that grocery stores should have hired all the currently unemployed strip-club bouncers and stationed them at the doors to keep anti-mask fuckos out. But it probably would have erupted into a shooting war in several states.
Re the general topic of the thread, at first I thought it meant boundaries like "don't talk to me through the door when I'm in the bathroom," stuff like that. But it's clearly larger than that.
I've never had a hard time cutting people out of my life, honestly. In fact, it's been the easy option most of the time. My mom had five sisters, four of whom are still alive, and I don't talk to any of them, or my cousins either, for a variety of reasons. (She's not talking to most of them herself, so clearly it's inherited.) Some of them were nasty to my wife early in our marriage, others just brought nothing to the table, and I've kinda always thought, if we weren't related, would I be friends with you? If the answer's no, then so be it. Blood earns you nothing in my book. But I've also gotten pretty lucky in that my parents were never abusive in any way that registered with me - my dad was an asshole, but when I told him I didn't want to see him anymore (my parents divorced when I was 11 or so, and when I was about 16 or so I just stopped going to visit my dad on the weekends) he just said OK. We reconnected a few years later - I lived with him for a year or so after high school - and it was fine. Then we drifted apart again and that was fine, too. We weren't talking when he died, and that drove a wedge between me and my younger brother for a while (he'd stepped into the breach and become Daddy's favorite), but that didn't last. Now I talk to my brother a few times a year, and my mom a couple of times a month. And my brother hasn't talked to my mom in years, and she never asks me about him. So...we're all fucked up, but we're all good with it, I guess?
― but also fuck you (unperson), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 18:45 (two years ago) link
i posted this on the working from home thread a few days ago but it's something along the lines of this thread topic
I am currently "on vacation" ... I am not going anywhere but it's like, how do I say "I am taking this time to not work" ... anyway, so a client texts me saying they have a question about a thing and want to get my advice on the thing. I respond "I am on vacation." Client asks, "can I schedule a time to discuss when you are back from vacation?" ... I kinda don't grasp how "scheduling a work appointment" does not fall under the general category of "work" which is excluded from the current status of "taking this time to not work" ... I have not taken more than 3 days in a row off work since 2015. I don't want to get bitchy with clients I generally like, but ...
― sarahell, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:01 (two years ago) link
I saw that and thought the right approach probably would have been to reply to the first email with "I'm on vacation - email me about this on [day you're planning on being back from vacation]" and then *ignore any subsequent emails*.
― but also fuck you (unperson), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:13 (two years ago) link
this was my response to the two clients that emailed me today! thank you ILX
― sarahell, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:14 (two years ago) link
i have gotten really good at establishing work boundaries even though i work in one of the most boundariless industries of all time, i’m lucky in that my attitude is reflected by my boss, who also doesn’t want me to think about work at all when i’m not working. but i’m also very lazy and a great way for me to feel miserable is to feel like my job is taking up too much of my time and attention, and jobs that have forced me into this position have been short-lived. moreover we must embrace the four-hour workday, etc.
boundaries with family are a lot more fluid which can suck, but again, i’m very lucky, no one i regularly talk to (mom, dad, stepdad) is much of a boundary overstepper. i can’t remember the last time i had a friend who did either. maybe i have good boundaries, i’m just unconscious of them most of the time??? i also think some of my boundaries are trauma-produced, like the moment i feel like a relationship is getting anywhere close to passive aggression or shame-based verbal abuse i’m just out, goodbye
i suck very bad at communication and i’m very conflict-avoidant though
― STOCK FIST-PUMPER BRAD (BradNelson), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:16 (two years ago) link
i have gotten really good at establishing work boundaries even though i work in one of the most boundariless industries of all time
part of me wants to collectively determine which the most boundariless industries are, but the better me feels like that would lead to harmful conflicts.
― sarahell, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:21 (two years ago) link
tbf every industry i can think of has godawful work/life boundaries lol
― STOCK FIST-PUMPER BRAD (BradNelson), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:23 (two years ago) link
^^^^^^^
― Karl Malone, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:24 (two years ago) link
A few years before my dad died I was visiting with my daughter - she was always feisty and headstrong and sometimes difficult to deal with but I'm allowed to say that, it was clear my dad had a huge problem with her and a lot of that problem was because she wasn't behaving like he thought a girl should. Dick. And something happened and he lost his rag and started having a go at her and when I told him to mind his business he actually fronted up to me, right up to my face and it was funny and heartbreaking and enraging in equal measure
And I walked out of there and we got the next train home and I would have never spoken to the cunt again and after a fortnight he had to swallow his pride and call me and apologise - probably at my mom's prodding - and I never had that kinda trouble off him again, hooray for setting a boundary
― Khafre's clown (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:26 (two years ago) link
i think about my first ltr sometimes and how it ended in a painful way because i was just never able to straight up say "we aren't having sex as often as i would like" and proceed from there.
xp i feel like "do goodism" is a cover for boundary problems in the workplace. non profits, small businesses seem like a haven for them ime.
xxp yeah the real answer is "work, period"
― Nedlene Grendel as Basenji Holmo (map), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:27 (two years ago) link
God yeah non profits I've known encourage some absolutely terrible abuse of work/life balance
― Khafre's clown (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:29 (two years ago) link
why i will never be in a "helping" role ever again. the only way i could establish effective boundaries was to quit.
― towards fungal computer (harbl), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:32 (two years ago) link
hooray for setting a boundary
― mardheamac (gyac), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:34 (two years ago) link
Yeah Han is not at all cuddly and it took me a while I guess to figure that out. Having said that she will still encourage me to scratch her feet if we're hanging at home
― Khafre's clown (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:36 (two years ago) link
Oops boundaries soz
― Khafre's clown (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:37 (two years ago) link
I built such an impenetrable boundary between me and my biological dad that I wouldn't even visit him when he was dying of throat cancer because fuck it lol I was watching a 2nd leg playoff game in the pub. My mum didn't put any pressure on me to visit him but did suggest I might regret it when he's gone, but I didn't. I don't know if this is an interpretation of boundaries in the spirit of this thread, but sometimes I believe they are often a healthy way of avoiding unnecessary conflict and unhappiness because there is already plenty enough of that shit to go around.
― calzino, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:41 (two years ago) link
at my old job I would have to deal with kids a lot. One of my methods for building rapport and trust before what can seem scary to kids is to offer a high-five, and ask some questions about school or anything they had with them eg what games were they playing on the DS. But any kid has the right to say "I don't want a high-five" or not answer questions from a stranger, and that's fine, it doesn't bother me: ultimately my goal was to make the experience easy and pleasant for the kid where possible.
The amount of parents and grandparents who would chastise their kids for not wanting to do a high-five was unreal. I would instantly say "it's up to them, I don't mind!" and yet they would insist. I can't play along with that because it's not fair to anyone. The way we teach kids about consent and permission can be so unreal - you must go high-five the stranger in the shop, or hug your smelly uncle, or play with the neighbourhood kid who pulls your hair... and then we wonder why people struggle to say No at the moment necessary.
― boxedjoy, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:51 (two years ago) link
Huge otm
― Khafre's clown (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:52 (two years ago) link
Shit dads can fuck off, even if they're dead. And in my experience you don't regret putting that boundary in place (in my situation I am glad I met up with him once before he died but also glad I didn't try to do so more frequently, fuck that noise). Solidarity to everyone in the shit dead dad crew.
― emil.y, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:52 (two years ago) link
― STOCK FIST-PUMPER BRAD (BradNelson), Wednesday, December 29, 2021 11:23 AM (twenty-three minutes ago)
this is apparently one of the appealing factors of civil service for some people. There are plenty of people employed in bureaucratic government jobs that show up, punch the clock, do their tasks, get a generous amount of flex time and paid time off, and leave on time. for a while when I was growing up, my mom was a mail carrier. She went in, sorted the mail, put it in her vehicle, delivered the mail, dropped off the undeliverables at the post office, went home. People on her mail route did not call her at home. Her supervisor didn't call her on her days off.
― sarahell, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:53 (two years ago) link
I mean ffs the unspoken belief in children as property without agency is still so widespread
― Khafre's clown (Noodle Vague), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:53 (two years ago) link
xp to boxedjoy absolutely! that was part of the conversation with a childcare worker friend i was having the other day. he was telling me that he thought the reason why so many kids are poorly behaved little shits is that their parents treat them as these accessories who are forced to play a role, rather than human beings with agency that needs to be respected. and they act it out all the time.
― Nedlene Grendel as Basenji Holmo (map), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:56 (two years ago) link
Can confirm a good civil service job is sweeet
― pandmac (darraghmac), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:56 (two years ago) link
also certain trades ... like this one contractor my org works with, Tony the plumber ... Tony isn't going to show up whenever we want him to. Tony is going to work during Tony's schedule, and will pass on jobs that he doesn't want to do. While he gets paid to deal with literal shit, Tony seems to have a pleasant work/life balance.
― sarahell, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 19:59 (two years ago) link
yup, much improved mental health in a bureaucratic job
― towards fungal computer (harbl), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 20:01 (two years ago) link
i'm still mad at my parents for making me hug relatives i didn't care about
― towards fungal computer (harbl), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 20:02 (two years ago) link
I realized after posting that I have much more complicated thoughts about my own relationship with boundaries than I relayed in my post. I withheld them bc…lol boundaries. It’s a fraught topic for me and has been as long as I can remember. I’m not ready to get into it publicly so I shouldn’t have posted. I’m still mad at my parents too fwiw.
― weird woman in a bar (La Lechera), Wednesday, 29 December 2021 20:39 (two years ago) link
― mardheamac (gyac), Thursday, 30 December 2021 09:39 (two years ago) link
I would prefer to live in a world where my neighbour having children didn't impact on me. But i think that is true with a lot of things. LIke also seating arrangements on buses back from airports where a family freaks out because i don't like their kid continually kicking the seat I'm in which i picked because i had more legroom since the emergency exit was in front of it.Or the idiots pushing prams and pushchairs around teh park here . One path that's like 2metres wide or something . So there is space for 2 people to walk by in different directions when necessary. & then I get a bunch of women with prams taking up one sid eof teh path and one idiot walking down the other side. I'm now wondering how total;ly racist taht idea was. like any black person walking in their direction needed to be dealt with instead of them recognising other people use the park.Or a couple of days ago a father pushing a kid on a wheeled something, possibly horse . he's looking at a football match going on on the park the path's next to and not watching where he's pushing things so the wheeled thing veers right across teh path. I stop way before him because i can see taht he's doing that. I say Excuse me and he doesn't even seem to cop on. NOt sure if taht was the distance or just ignorance. I had stopped way before him because i saw what he was doing. But really one path so should be watching what he's doing. Not my kid and it is my legs that they would have been shoved into.Ex-gf has a major issue with people not watching where they're going because looking at phones which I definitely share. BUt she makes a vocal thing of it when we're walking around together.
Very badly designed layout of this building. 2 apartments on the top of 4 flights of stairs. The other door is right at the top of the stairs . Ignorant shits who live there decided when they move din taht the bin arrangements didn't suit them so they would just dump rubbish outside their door which I had to walk over. PLus the guy there started leaving his bike on a narrow landing that one really needed all of to navigate. THis is the same pair who continually leave the street door unlocked despite the landlord having told them not to. & the wife there who i serioulsy wonder what the deal is with and after reading Caste wonder if that is the issue. But I'm not lower caste tahn a delusional idiot who likes to throw lit cigarettes at people or is stupid enough to go out without a key then blame the othe rperson living there if she can't get back into the building. Got this revolting note from this headcase 5 years ago askjing if i was mad cos she had to go to th etrouble of getting her husband from work. I mean I wonder what the story is on boundaries there. like white polish headcase views hers to be sacred and mine to be non existent.& then earlier thsi year she decidees I'm not allowed to have a paper delivered for some reason. I had had the thing delivered for years before tehy arrived. & she just decides taht if i didn't go down until it suited me to do so it was up to her to dispose of the thing. Also she messed around with my mail for no good reason , brought a letter addressed to me up and tehn didn't think it suite dher to take it back down and put it back where she got it froml. I found it propped up againsta back wall on the ground floor after it had floated back down there. Annoying?& then she called teh police on me twice for no good reason once because I was annoyed she was gaslighting me over the thing with the paper. After which I get attacked buy the husband. Standing outside my door threatening me which I should have told the police when tehy arrived.Instead of which I had to put up with hi eavesdropping as i talked to teh police and getting annoyed taht I pointed out I was the victim. Oh & during which he started going on about me crossing a line, like he had any recognition of line. I just think racist idiot.
― Stevolende, Thursday, 30 December 2021 10:43 (two years ago) link
Further to that i suspect they are anti vaxxers and she has insisted on standing at the top of teh stairs smoking throughout the pandemic. has absolutely no idea of social distancing which is impossible if she is standing there. hate that i think it's a common thing, an idiot standing at the bottleneck point of a path or corridor or whatever so it is impossible to keep any distance from them. I guess the main thrust of the thing is more about keeping that distance for any length of time but still seems so totally ignorant to do so.
& this idiot woman is working behind the food counter of teh locaol convenience store. Do hope that does mean she was forced to get a jab but really since she does seem to be one of the bolshier idiots I've ever met I do wonder.
― Stevolende, Thursday, 30 December 2021 10:56 (two years ago) link
2022 resolution to not beef except with alphie
fin
― imago, Wednesday, 29 December 2021 bookmarkflaglink
You will break this because you are a dick.
― xyzzzz__, Thursday, 30 December 2021 13:23 (two years ago) link
Navigating boundaries with some couples can be tricky. In my family I have a sister who I feel I used to know, but now talks in terms of 'we like this/we believe/we hate x, we're doing x' to such an extent that I don't feel I even know her. Every text or message from her feels like a press statement issued on behalf of her and her husband.
Having a conversation or getting her genuine views seems impossible.
― Luna Schlosser, Thursday, 30 December 2021 13:53 (two years ago) link
during a family dinner outing my older brother casually mentioned he was thinking about buying a motorcycle. my mom gasped 'but i'd be so worried about you!'. my brother calmly turned towards her and said 'i'm trying to think of a nice way to say that is not my problem.'. i learned a lot right then and it helped steer the next few years of my life
― global tetrahedron, Thursday, 30 December 2021 14:27 (two years ago) link
sorry misedited the first text I sent today.My problem with teh women with prams was, 1 pram takes up half teh path. There were like 3 prams in a row and one of their group was pushing a pram down the other side of the same path = entire path space taken up by the one group of people with nowhere to walk for anybody else without them walking on muddy grass. & it seemed intentional. Which is like mindless.Path is there for all of public. I've also been in this area longer tahn a lot of people. I remember that park as wasteland which it was for the first couple of years i was living here.
JUst like bums me out like.
& i do reada lot of books like caste and see my past experiences reflected in ways i probably should have seen at the time. Not just thought this is a bit unjust, how pushy. Or maybe taht is what you do wind up with anyway. Unless you can get some leverage in teh moment to stop it happening or find a way to find it less annoying . & i think you just wind up thinkingthat privileged people are scum anyway unless they actively work against taking as much advantage of it or at least spread the leverage around to those marginalised etc
― Stevolende, Thursday, 30 December 2021 15:47 (two years ago) link
i can see what gyac means about the dog thing lol
― sarahell, Thursday, 30 December 2021 19:15 (two years ago) link
but the conflict avoidant thing can be rough to deal with as someone who is instinctively more of a "let's just get everything out in the open and resolve things with goodwill and respect" person. ... like the thing where some people will tell "you" that they are not upset or that your behavior is "fine" and then flash forward to months or years later and it turns out they were upset! It wasn't fine! And then the "moat of alligators" seems like a very reasonable approach tbh.
I feel like a lot of relationship problems (including romantic, family, friends, professional) are based on differences regarding approaches to conflict. Then throw in unequal power dynamics, and things can be super toxic (especially for the person/people who are already less powerful due to gender, age, race, etc.). Yeah, this is somewhat contradictory to the first paragraph I wrote. There is definitely a tendency for people who are the "less powerful" ones or even just had formative experiences as a child with a parent where they were "less powerful" ... for people to be conflict avoidant and not communicate that they do/did feel harmed by another's behavior.
― sarahell, Thursday, 30 December 2021 19:31 (two years ago) link
Conflict avoidance is a bear to surmount when you're raised in an environment filled to the brim with toxic conflict and you subsequently come to assess all conflict as toxic. And even fully understanding that that's a fucked perspective doesn't instantly unfuck the wiring. It's apparently just a lifelong process of unfucking. I mean, hats off to anyone who has it licked but I for one still have a long row to hoe.
― Rep. Cobra Commander (R-TX) (Old Lunch), Thursday, 30 December 2021 19:59 (two years ago) link
my brother calmly turned towards her and said 'i'm trying to think of a nice way to say that is not my problem.'
That's brilliant. I've tried to express similar in the past, but it came out much much less graciously.
Like, worrying over does not equal caring about someone. Makes me think of the bit in "Hamlet 2" where the one girl learns of something bad happening to someone and her immediate reaction is "why is this happening to me???"
― dell (del), Thursday, 30 December 2021 20:12 (two years ago) link
A fantastic line, genuinely think of it all the time
― pandmac (darraghmac), Thursday, 30 December 2021 20:20 (two years ago) link
i think he was only able to utter it thanks to therapy, but it's been very instructive esp when it comes to dealing with my very well meaning and frankly sweet + nice parents. but you still have to, not TELL them, but *suggest* they fuck off now and then. it's a good ability. plus 150 XP any time you scorn your aging parents
― global tetrahedron, Friday, 31 December 2021 03:59 (two years ago) link
I wish I'd had that line to hand 30 years ago
― Khafre's clown (Noodle Vague), Friday, 31 December 2021 10:38 (two years ago) link
a friend today told me they can't use their laundry machine cos she is in a unit next to the main unit, and the main unit is occupied by someone who tested positive for COVID.
she needed to do it this afternoon before her shift. I suggested a laundromat and she got snippy and said "why are you telling me to go to a laundromat? why aren't you letting me wash clothes at your place?"
uh, because my mother is in the midst of a huge load of laundry that won't be done for hours. otherwise I would have.
I offer to help all of the time, this particular time it wasn't really convenient, mom would have to take out scores of wet clothes and wait hours to dry them.
― they were written with a ouija board and a rhyming dictionary (Neanderthal), Friday, 31 December 2021 17:02 (two years ago) link
Have you learned something from not making other people’s problem your problem from this incident?
― mardheamac (gyac), Friday, 31 December 2021 17:45 (two years ago) link
is this friend someone who you are currently having sex with or would like to have sex with if living situations were different?
― sarahell, Friday, 31 December 2021 18:18 (two years ago) link
Sorry if that question is crass, but it is a factor in setting/maintaining boundaries imo and lol ime
― sarahell, Friday, 31 December 2021 18:19 (two years ago) link
I suggested a laundromat and she got snippy and said "why are you telling me to go to a laundromat? why aren't you letting me wash clothes at your place?"Not sure this is a boundary issue as much as poor communication. She’d have done better to ask directly on the first place rather than hinting. And the answer sounds a bit brusque.
― Luna Schlosser, Friday, 31 December 2021 18:26 (two years ago) link
But it’s urgent and key that we know the details of the sexual relationship status ( and intentions )of all your friends and acquaintances.
― Luna Schlosser, Friday, 31 December 2021 18:29 (two years ago) link
xp she sounds like a dose tbqh, someone getting brusque over your own needs coming first like that = their problem, not yours
― mardheamac (gyac), Friday, 31 December 2021 18:34 (two years ago) link
gyac otm
― sarahell, Friday, 31 December 2021 18:35 (two years ago) link
Gyac -
I'm responding to you on that alleged 'joke grievance' that you insist on bringing up on other threads (crossing boundaries in fact):
For boundaries to work, you have to enforce them...Many relationships seem to have more complicated arrangements than the Northern Ireland protocol, and with a greater variety of 'no hard border' and 'backstop' solutions, and protracted negotiations and threats to trigger unilateral dissolution.
Many relationships seem to have more complicated arrangements than the Northern Ireland protocol, and with a greater variety of 'no hard border' and 'backstop' solutions, and protracted negotiations and threats to trigger unilateral dissolution.
What I am saying is not entirely a poor joke - what I am saying is that if you identify hard boundaries, and insist on actively them, I can see this getting very protracted, involved, bureaucratic - and unpleasant. I'm wondering it's actually worth it.
To be clear- I didn't hold a grudge on your post for a year or whatever. I simply found my post again when the thread was revived - and noted that you hadn't grasped what I said.
By the way, I wonder if the irony has occurred to you that you were 'hard policing' a boundaries thread with your comments.
― Luna Schlosser, Sunday, 19 February 2023 10:49 (one year ago) link
may the conflict over this post not last as long as the referent
― sarahell, Sunday, 19 February 2023 15:24 (one year ago) link
Has anyone got any good tips for dealing with persistent interruptions? I work in teaching, so of course interruption is woven into the fabric of the job. On a given day, outside of the usual madness of lessons, I might get visited by upwards of 10 kids who just want to check in, which is fine. But it's the stuff after school when I might have an hour/hour and a half to get prepared for the next day and it's just relentless - and complicated by the fact that it's not one person (to whom I could say, 'look, any chance?'), but multiple people, none of whom are really aware that I've just got rid of the last person. I guess I have an approachable demeanour, which is fine, but short of a sign on the door saying 'leave me alone' the only real tactic I have is to get grumpy. Today, I went and hid in another room and got so much done. HELP.
― Shard-borne Beatles with their drowsy hums (Chinaski), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 19:19 (one year ago) link
Can you do your wrap-up work from home or do you have to sit in the office til 4:30
― G. D’Arcy Cheesewright (silby), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 19:25 (one year ago) link
I mean a sign is perfectly reasonable also imo. Come on in/knock/do not disturb/out. Seen those a million times in my life!
― G. D’Arcy Cheesewright (silby), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 19:26 (one year ago) link
A set time for office hours on your door and otherwise not available? A sign up sheet?
― Piggy Lepton (La Lechera), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 19:31 (one year ago) link
There's a weird grey area in teaching (in UK schools, anyway) where you're free to go at 3.30 and no one will judge you but 'oh, you're the kind of person who goes at 3.30 are you?' is absolutely a thing. Eh. Plus, I've set myself a boundary, that I stay at work and get finished up so that I don't let it bleed into my home life, because will it ever if I let it.
And the sign is fine, but certain people - senior management, lolbantz colleagues - would totally ignore it: the former, fine, that's expected; the latter would make it a point to come in and talk to me about the sign and I'm back to being grumpy. ARGH.
― Shard-borne Beatles with their drowsy hums (Chinaski), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 19:34 (one year ago) link
Interruptions by colleagues rather than pupils, right?
― giant bat fucker (gyac), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 19:58 (one year ago) link
I actually think about this gif all the time https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2018-11/28/13/asset/buzzfeed-prod-web-02/anigif_sub-buzz-11354-1543428630-7.gifNot just cos it’s amazing (though it is) but as a slightly unusual example of enforcing personal boundaries in a way most people are going to have trouble responding to. The interviewer asks Mariah about JLo, who Mariah hates; Mariah just breezes straight through with “I don’t know her.” What are you going to say to that? Can you prove it? Are you going to call out someone saying something so brazen? No, most people won’t want to get drawn into awkwardness. The conversation moves on.Anyway in this situation you can probably take a leaf from Mariah’s book - less is more. It might take a while and it depends on what the interruptions are.You can gesture at whatever you’re working on and smile sweetly (if you can do this, I personally can’t) and say “really sorry, can I come back to you, I’ve just got to finish…”. The trailing sentence is important! Don’t specify! There are two reasons: 1) it may not be any of their business and 2) you want to cut the conversation short and not give them an opening to ask about what you’re working on. It’s really important to be nice but firm about it.It’s probably not useful for you but in my circumstances if I have time to volunteer to help people at other times then I’ll do so, purely so when I say no, they know that you are the kind of person who will help, crucially, if you have time. Headphones are usually a good “don’t bother me” signal but you will ofc run into people who cheerfully ignore this. Might not be appropriate in your workplace either.
― giant bat fucker (gyac), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 20:08 (one year ago) link
Oh yeah and importance of saying along the lines of “I’ll come back to you” factors into Mariah example. You may have zero intention of doing so, especially if it’s a trivial interruption, but it softens the excuse and it actually works with your reason: if you don’t come back to them on their timetable, you can simply point to the thing you’re working on (sorry, you know how it is!) & eventually they may get the message. Either way it’s good to get practice at saying no.
― giant bat fucker (gyac), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 20:13 (one year ago) link
That all makes a lot of sense, gyac. And I'm here for a Mariah solution. I like the 'playing the long game' vibe of it. I do that 'turn back to my computer and just get on with it' thing but, it's either all teachers or I work with a particularly thick-skinned subset of teachers, my colleagues have a remarkable facility for just carrying on rabbiting at me.
I'm second in the department, so it is sometimes work-related, which is obviously fine; but mostly I think it's either a) someone avoiding making a decision and fixing it through me or b) plain boredom/distractedness.
― Shard-borne Beatles with their drowsy hums (Chinaski), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 20:30 (one year ago) link
If you’ve ever been on the tube at night & had someone fall asleep on you, I liken the kind of people who cheerfully ignore these signals to people slightly impaired from drink. They probably don’t mean any harm but they don’t know what they’re doing and you don’t want them in your way, right? So the gentlest nudge to move them on. That’s why it’s important you say “Sorry can I come back to you…” cos it makes it impossible for them to ignore the other signals you’re sending out.
― giant bat fucker (gyac), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 20:53 (one year ago) link
and, if you let it slide enough times without pushback, eventually it can become a much more angry "leave me alone" that comes out of you out of nowhere as the frustration builds up and isn't processed.
― hootenanny-soundtracking clusterfucks about milking cows (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 21:13 (one year ago) link
i was pleasantly surprised the first few times I said "I actually am a bit tied up at the moment" gently how well it was received. sure, every now and then someone gets cranky about it but wasn't very often.
― hootenanny-soundtracking clusterfucks about milking cows (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 21:14 (one year ago) link
Amen gyac.
I've got a sense of being much better at putting boundaries in place as I get older. I've stopped commenting on a bunch of different WhatsApp groups, and have stopped going to a bunch of things I used to out of duty, and I honestly don't miss any of it but I do get a twinge of worry sometimes, and am conscious of becoming an 'only on my terms' guy and isolating myself. I don't know. Does that ring true with anyone else?
― Shard-borne Beatles with their drowsy hums (Chinaski), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 21:20 (one year ago) link
You make it sound eminently achievable, Neanderthal, which is totally what I need to hear!
― Shard-borne Beatles with their drowsy hums (Chinaski), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 21:21 (one year ago) link
I do that 'turn back to my computer and just get on with it' thing but
genuine pro tip, stop turning away from your computer when you dont eant to be disturbed
its something i was told a few years ago, working in an open office, and it's a genuine game changer
― Ár an broc a mhic (darraghmac), Wednesday, 15 March 2023 21:36 (one year ago) link
i am way too hungover to have boundaries convos with not one but two people today. jfc.
somewhat shockingly though I remained calm through it and weirdly perversely enjoyed it the second time.
― Trout Fishing in America (Neanderthal), Saturday, 8 April 2023 20:17 (eleven months ago) link
what it tells me is that these people are used to having people in their life who are willing to shit on their own needs to appease these people
― Trout Fishing in America (Neanderthal), Saturday, 8 April 2023 20:18 (eleven months ago) link
i have realized after 3 years of covid, that if i am not physically in the same place as someone, it's really easy to ignore them ... also, if i am in the same place as them (this doesn't work if you live with the other person), it is fairly easy to leave because there's this thing you have to do for someone else.
― sarahell, Saturday, 8 April 2023 20:31 (eleven months ago) link
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jul/14/what-are-relationship-boundaries-jonah-hill
― xyzzzz__, Friday, 14 July 2023 09:56 (eight months ago) link
It's amusing AF when the people who tried to puppeteer me when I was in a serious wave of depression recoil now that I've been putting a stop to it since I've been feeling better in the last week.
I don't get it. I'm by far not a perfect person but there is zero part of me that would ever want to see a friend loved one only through the lens of what they could do for me.
― Ghidorah, the three-headed Explorah (Neanderthal), Friday, 22 December 2023 01:27 (three months ago) link