God bless the goddamn Onion

loool "I AM CONFUSED.... IS SHE DEAD OR NOT?"

"Wow, this is going to look really candid since I'm always hanging out by scaffolding," says the terrible human being.

This picture is killing me.

That woman-missing video is like the cherry on the icing

Funniest racist jokes I've read in literally days!

^new ILE handle, thanks mods

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/american_children_like_me_are

:)

It's not a coincidence that the Missing Woman story is set in Grand Rapids, MI. I'm just sayin'.

have to say I don't find the china stuff hilarious, it is good but I prefer regular onion. I love the onion.

anyone capable of translating 'yu wan mei'?

'you want me'

i was hoping for better than that :(

my chinese ex told me that "yu wan mei" = "fish meal carbon"

and that the text running along the bottom of the andy rooney video is basically total gibberish

the only thing about this that is a bit sad is that they're trying to make #fishtime a trending topic on Twitter and it doesn't seem to be working. Pretty crap tag imo. Also wrt that stuff that was in the media earlier this week, or last week, about them being in a bit of trouble this might be like an attention grabbing gambit and that's sad. Some quality material though and nice for a change from usual stuff.

There's even a site for the parent company: http://www.yuwanmei.com/

鱼完美 = yú wán měi

鱼 = fish
完美 = perfect

fishy perfection!

a chinese translation blog entry about this used the title "Putting the 洋 in 洋蔥," which is... funny

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Sino_American.jpg

Okay I gotta give 'em this -- go to the home page and click on the Op-Ed link for this piece:

"The Internet Allows For A Free Exchange Of Unmitigated Information

Dana Lechter"

I was waiting for these

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyChinaIssue.jpg

i love this one

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/KellyHSReunion.jpg

TV Listings »

2009 World Series Of Poker

ESPN

10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST

The Vietnamese guy with the upside-down sunglasses won't show his cards, drawing a passive-aggressive rant from the fat Lebanese guy with the headphones.

Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care

Afterbirthers Demand To See Obama's Placenta

Ha! I just linked this on Facebook, right before I clicked on this thread. Big lol.

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/Malpractice.jpg

hahahahh

I love the Onion when it's dark. Because it's VERY dark.

Congress Deadlocked Over How To Not Provide Health Care

There tho, they simply do reportage

That's the dark part. :(

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/is_using_a_minotaur_to_gore?utm_source=videoembed

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/8237558.stm

Two Bangladeshi newspapers have apologised after publishing an article taken from a satirical US website which claimed the Moon landings were faked.

The Daily Manab Zamin said US astronaut Neil Armstrong had shocked a news conference by saying he now knew it had been an "elaborate hoax".

Neither they nor the New Nation, which later picked up the story, realised the Onion was not a genuine news site.

Both have now apologised to their readers for not checking the story.

"We thought it was true so we printed it without checking," associate editor Hasanuzzuman Khan told the AFP news agency.

"We didn't know the Onion was not a real news site."

The article said Mr Armstrong had told a news conference he had been "forced to reconsider every single detail of the monumental journey after watching a few persuasive YouTube videos and reading several blog posts" by a conspiracy theorist.

"It took only a few hastily written paragraphs published by this passionate denier of mankind's so-called 'greatest technological achievement' for me to realise I had been living a lie," the fake article "quoted" Mr Armstrong as saying.

The made-up quote went on to say that although the journey had felt real, in fact "the entire thing was filmed on a sound stage, most likely in New Mexico".

"I suppose it really was one small step for man, one giant lie for mankind."

'Numerous hits'

The story was published on the Onion's website on Monday and on Wednesday, the Daily Manab Zamin translated it into Bengali, attributing it to the Onion News Network in Lebanon, Ohio. It then ran in New Nation on Thursday.

Daily Manab Zamin, the only tabloid newspaper in Bangladesh, published an apology to its readers on Thursday, saying the report had "drawn a lot of attention".

"We've since learned that the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident," it said.

"The Moon landing one was such a story, which received numerous hits on the internet.

"The truth is that Neil Armstrong never gave such an interview. It was made up. We are sorry for publishing the report without checking the information."

ha ha!

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/americans_observing_9_11_by?utm_source=onion_rss_daily

"the fun site runs false and juicy reports based on a historic incident"

thats a rather quaint way of describing the Onion.

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/next_tarantino_movie_an_homage_to

"I really can't think of another living director who has made as large a contribution to the evolution of world cinema, and I feel it is my duty as a filmmaker to remind people of that."

LOLLL @ "5,000 great places to spit"

Self-Defense Instructor Simulates Attacker Right Down To Erection

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/my_living_nightmare_of?utm_source=b-section

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nadir_of_western_civilization_to

WASHINGTON—An international panel of leading anthropologists, cultural critics, biologists, and social theorists announced this week that Western civilization will reach its lowest conceivable point at 3:32 p.m. Friday.
"From the prehistoric Lascaux cave paintings to the stirring symphonies of Mozart to today's hot-dog eating competitions and action films with comical gerbils, culture has descended into a festering pool of mass ignorance," said Yale sociologist Paul Riordan, who has spent his career analyzing western civilization's fall into the depths of depravity. "If our calculations are correct, this complete erosion of all that is enlightened and unique will reach absolute rock bottom on the afternoon of Sept. 25, 2009."
Added Riordan, "It is scientifically impossible for civilization to sink any lower than it will this Friday."
The panel said the upcoming nadir will be precipitated by a string of smaller devastating events.
At 9 p.m. Wednesday the ABC sitcom Modern Family will premiere, marking the least-inspired creative endeavor ever attempted by modern man. This will reportedly be followed at 12:52 p.m. Thursday by the release of a new energy drink marketed exclusively to U.S. troops stationed in Iraq and Afghanistan.
Experts predict that the penultimate catastrophe will occur at approximately 7:15 p.m. Thursday night, when the social networking tool Twitter will be used to communicate a series of ideas so banal they will instantaneously negate the three centuries of the Renaissance.
"The sciences, the arts, the humanities—all aspects of society as a whole will reach their respective low-points in just a matter of days," said anthropologist Robert Davidson, gesturing toward a nearby line graph illustrating western society's collapse. "We've been charting this cultural descent for generations now, from the advent of New Wave music, to the rise of scientific creationism, right through to the trampling death of several Wal-Mart greeters on the morning after Thanksgiving. Everything has been leading up to this Friday."
According to the panel, the final event will occur at 3:32 p.m., when a tourist, believing the impressive structure to be a giant mall, will enter Chicago's Museum of Contemporary Art, and, not finding what he is looking for, ask where "the damn Radio Shack is supposed to be."
The man, dressed in Crocs and sweatpants and determined by researchers to be the final catalyst in humanity's epic downfall, will then loudly expel gas.
"This horrible but inevitable day has been a long time coming," said Davidson, before picking up a black marker and, seemingly without thought or intent, drawing a long, thick phallus on his chart. "And by the looks of things, it's almost here."
Some analysts believe the coming cultural sinkhole—the most intellectually and spiritually degrading moment conceivable by science or philosophy—will signal the end of mankind's decay and lead to a steady upward climb. Still, they warned, the event itself could be catastrophically lowbrow.
"With each passing minute, we're getting closer to a second Dark Ages," said noted art critic Mark Lefevre, tearing out pages from his report, folding each into a paper airplane, and tossing decades of hard work around the room. "Unless something is done to protect what little sophistication and refinement we have left, Western society may soon regress to a point of no return. We need to act, and act fast."
"Come on," added the two-time MacArthur "genius grant" recipient, before stripping down to his undergarments and brandishing an automatic assault rifle. "Let's get 'er done!"
Despite the panel's findings, many are skeptical that humanity will reach its lowest depths on Friday, claiming the humiliations are likely to continue as ever-smaller terrier breeds begin to outsmart their owners, and disgraced former congressman Tom DeLay appears in the new season of Dancing With The Stars.
Most chillingly, many agreed, is that while Michael Crichton's death has been a positive step, Dan Brown remains very much alive.
"We're talking about a society in which the name Newton is now more often associated with a fig-filled dessert than the scientist who revolutionized modern thought," biologist Howard Thurston said. "The human mind is endlessly inventive, and our species will always find new ways to completely discredit and embarrass itself."
As of press time, boobs

omg boobs!

Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/breaking_news_series_of

The scrolls at the bottom of the newscast are great.

this is great:

http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/if_god_had_wanted_me_to_be

that is excellent. almost makes me wish i knew more and not less jane kendrickses, just to maximize the pleasure associated with sending this to them.

Yeah, that piece is awesome

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/man_dies_after_secret_4_year

haha man that's great

awesome.

Mrs. Seaborne said she's used most of her husband's life insurance payout to start the David Seaborne Foundation, an organization dedicated to raising awareness of those battling gorillas or other great apes. According to the foundation's website, the growing problem affects one in every 29 million Americans, and one in every 80 Congolese.

It's in the proud tradition of "Supreme Court Overturns Car".