AGING PARENTS

my mom died a year ago and this morning i dreamt she’d finally come back, we were getting ready to go out together and i was so relieved and happy and excited. i heard her walking into the room but then my guy spoke to me, it was actually him walking in irl and i woke up and remembered she was dead and it felt like i’d been kicked. (it’s okay tho, i’m okay, her death was okay, it all just keeps being strange)

My mother just came up to mines to watch the football... there is no football on today. Then she started rambling about milk bottles, I don't know what the fuck is going on in her head

aw dude, i’m sorry. my mom was pretty scattered for the last few years, i found it best to just roll with it in a laid-back way even though it was scary to see her unmooring like that.

boy do i hate having to be the responsible adult in the room

so sorry, Brad. it really isn’t fair.

Sorry, Brad, I know some of how that goes.
Got this today from Chuck Eddy---it's not private, as you'll see, so okay to post here, though it is a powerfully candid, concentrated account. He's mentioned some of it in the Voice and elsewhere, over the years, but even if you've read that, brace yourselves (no melodrama, "life and life only"):

New post on Eliminated for Reasons of Space

Peggy Eddy, 1931-2021
by Chuck Eddy
Fifty years ago this past September 22, Margaret Mae Eddy (né Richmond né Griffith) adopted me and my four siblings, aged 4 to 11 at the time. She would have been 40. My natural mom had died of ovarian cancer at 46 the previous June. Peggy, as most people called her, had been a nurse in the hospital where my "real" mom Elizabeth (also a nurse) died; it's where Peggy met my dad, who within a year she married. I've been told all my life (no idea if it's true) that Elizabeth somehow approved of the pairing, since she recognized Peggy was a great caregiver. Which was an important trait, since my dad died -- committed suicide -- two and a half years after the adoption, in February 1974. He was 43. I'm used to parents dying young. Old, not so much.

Peggy wasn't always a great stepmom. She was, in a lot of ways, it seems to me, psychologically abusive. Someday maybe I'll go into details; I finally, in this past year, confronted her about it. That was probably a good thing to do. But abuse or no, it's hard to know what would have become of my two brothers, two sisters and me if she hadn't shown up in our life. We had spent maybe a year and a half in a Catholic orphanage (St. Vincent/Sarah Fisher Home, Farmington, Michigan) when Elizabeth was dying and my dad thought he was incapable of taking care of us. We could easily have gone back there, or been split up from each other. (Even at Sarah Fisher, we were divided into different "cabins" based on age and gender.) Peggy is the main reason we stayed together. Think of that -- my dad hung himself and left her with five kids who weren't even hers. But she'd made a commitment, and she kept it. Stubbornly, which is the way she did pretty much everything. Trying to reconcile the saintliness of that act with the memory of whatever she did wrong in raising us (hey it's not like I've always been a perfect parent myself!) has kept me in therapy, on and off, for pretty much all of my adult life.

After high school -- well, after my first year in college at University of Detroit -- I got the hell out of Michigan, shut the door behind me, and almost never looked back. As life strategies go, that kind of compartmentalization has served me pretty well over the past six decades. Three of my siblings stayed in suburban Detroit. One of them stopped talking to Peggy a few -- maybe several -- years ago; I never knew specifically why, and never asked, even though Peggy asked me if I knew why pretty much whenever we talked, which wasn't that often but was often enough: on her birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas, a couple times when she was hospitalized a few months back. Even though she'd never met him, she almost always also asked about my wife's dad, who's in his 70s and has early onset dementia and is in assisted living here in Austin. She inevitably had advice about how we should or shouldn't be dealing with him. She was always full of unsolicited opinions about stuff like that. She could be a real know-it-all, a real pain in the ass.

Last time we talked was October 15, her 90th birthday. She was grumpy, and it didn't help that I probably asked a couple stupid questions about her medical treatment. Especially being so geographically detached -- unlike my youngest sister Emily and stepsister Nancy, who had to put up with her every day -- it was hard to keep all the medical issues straight. Her body had become increasingly frail over the past few years. As recently as this summer, though, her mind was sharp. She told me what she remembered about polio and smallpox. Fairly recently, she was still providing in-person care to elderly patients years younger than she was.

This morning, Emily called me. Peggy had died peacefully, on her couch, sometime after waking up. She had just, in the past day or two, come to terms with the realization that she was about to go into assisted living care herself. Now I have to figure out if I'm going to fly up for the funeral next week. I've been trying to sort out my mixed feelings all day. I don't even know if I'm comfortable flying now, what with omicron and all. I'm leaning toward going if Emily needs the support, if she says my being there would be helpful. But I've been to enough funerals, since I was little, to know that it will only depress me. I don't want to have to stand around shaking strangers' hands all day. Michigan December weather won't help; my fingers turn white and go numb with Raynaud's as soon as the temperature drops below 50ºF. On the other hand, maybe obviously, there's a good chance I'll feel guilty if I *don't* go. I already feel guilty for not swinging up to Michigan when I visited my daughter in Cleveland this summer. But none of these seem like legitimate reasons to go, or not to. Still trying to process all this. Maybe I should sleep on it.

Chuck Eddy | December 3, 2021 at 4:39 pm | Categories: Not Music | URL: https://wp.me/pcuz5h-1QM

I told him I thought he would be wise to sleep on it.

That is really well written, thanks.

mom's broken toe meant she opted to pass on visiting dad at the skilled nursing tonight so I went. told him she had a broken toe, and he got the familiar furrowed brow look that he used to get pre-stroke , asking me "broken toe?". and I put him on the phone with her and he managed to get more out than he usually does in terms of speech, asked her how she was doing and all.

it was sweet to see.

My Mother came in here, apparently she has a blood clot on her lung, the doctor warned her that she might be found dead in her bed tomorrow morning, I telt her haha no chance, it'll be a week at least til anyone finds you, now your cat is dead, she took that in good humour so I think she's mentally capable. Then she cadged cigarettes and left and now I'm like Holy Fuck, what if My Mother dies?

!!! really hoping your mother is ok, JMM!

my dad's still in skilled nursing. I sort of shattered a bit during that semi-traumatic post-Thanksgiving weekend. After I couldn't lift dad off of the floor after multiple attempts the day he fell I just sort of stared into space feeling defeated, and since then have felt like I've not been as helpful as I was prior, like there's part of me holding back because he's afraid of feeling those intense anxious feelings again.

I still visit dad frequently, and my brother has majorly stepped up (shockingly) and he's been around a lot. financially, he and I are still doing what we can to support Mom, and ....sometimes, it's a lot.

the skilled nursing thing is frustrating as we had planned to try and pull him out after 10 days and they told us last weekend they had to wait until Wednesday (today)'s discussion about his progress that the doctors do, only to then tell us they can't release him without a doctor's permission (?) so we might not have him back by Christmas. we're obviously going to fight hard against that because his physical therapist doesn't seem to think he needs to be there anymore, but now this is going to cost a fortune.

the money I raised via GoFundMe from all those amazing friends has paid for medical bills and will help cover the majority of his stay there (thank God), but we're going to have a pretty big overage and apparently the payment plan they told us about only goes for 6 months (which they neglected to tell us). looks like brother and I will have a fun monthly bill to enjoy soon.

I'm doing ok. in anticipation of dad coming back, we got a big bedside commode for dad to reduce the difficulty of bathroom visits, and a proper wheelchair that he could use to wheel himself.

i've gotten myself so wigged out by Omicron I'm debating masking in the house temporarily like I did when I lived w/ them last year. he's boosted but he's not perfect health, though not immunocompromised.

really hoping 2022 can take it easy on us cos we had a helluva 2021.

fingers crossed for you and yr dad and the fam!

Wishing you and your family the best Neanderthal.

O Hell Yes!

he's home tomorrow officially :)

I hope it adds measurably to yours and your family's enjoyment of the holiday.

it definitely will.

That's good news Neanderthal.

So glad your dad will be home with you for the holidays!

thanks all!

he's home...right as someone in his nursing facility got the VID. dad was tested today, negative (all of us tested negative too as a precaution), and we'll test him again in a few days.

thank god for the facility in walking distance, mom and I got our tests in 10 mins. can't find the at homes ANYWHERE

so glad he's home. he walked tot he toilet mostly on his own.

dad stopped singing along to songs he knew like two years ago. one of the things that made me the saddest.

my bro put on some Beatles tonight and he started singing along word for word (faintly but audible) for the first time since then.

;_;

i think it speaks more to just how obsessed he was with them because he doesn't do this with the Beach Boys, who he also loved, but...still.

<3

That's awesome. Think the xpost home tests are antigen? If so, apparently not as accurate (so I've heard in interviews w some experts, but others may disagree?) So yeah, good you're so close to center, even if you could find the home tests.

great news Neand (mostly) - especially glad to hear yr brother's getting more involved.

Haven’t been on ILX for a bit so just catching up. Glad your dad is home! Hit me up if you have medical bill/Medicare questions. Medicaid is usually retroactive so, if possible, try to stall parting with OOP payments because they could be picked up by the great state of Florida.

Oh I definitely will - great tip, thanks!

I don't want to fight in the War Room bring down the Aging Parents thread, but my visiting mother-in-law fell and fractured her hip on Thurday. They operated that night, but she will need something like six weeks of rehab once she gets out of the hospital. My mid-eighties amiable but short-term-memory-gone father-in-law is staying with us right now whilst we try to finish college applications for the girls. Meanwhile my sister and dad came over for a few hours yesterday although my dad was very reluctant to leave my extremely-advanced-dementia-suffering mom alone with her caregiver whilst she adjusts to her new meds. That is all, think I will head over to Meditation people roll call!, if not The Monkees: Classic or Dud? or moog power

yike James - that's a lot! sorry to hear about all of that, a lot to carry.

Thanks, especially coming from you.

Good luck, James, dealing with your range of Aging Parents issues.

Thank you.

My mom has been having epileptic fits pretty regularly since a brain hemorrhage she had 10 years ago. Three weeks ago she had one but the ER gave her a treatment that was way overdosed. That plunged her in a coma after which the hospital told me that she probably was a goner not worth transferring to the ICU. After a bit they changed their mind and did put her in the ICU. After a week she seemed to be slowly but steadily waking him up so the doctors were optimistic that after a brief stint in neurology she would be back home. Except that after a few days in neurology she went completely loony and prone to hallucinations. Now for the last three days she’s been sleeping non stop. I try to keep faith in the doctors but this has been quite a rollercoaster. Not really optimistic that my mom will ever go back home tbh

Oh, man, that sounds so difficult, sorry.

It sounds like you're dealing with it the best anyone could, finding that intermediate place neither hopeful nor despairing, but feeling your love for her. May it all turn out for the best.

An unexpected, sad argument with Mom last night because I had the audacity to remark, in a dinner conversation about schools, that "class has a lot to do with the choices parents make." It infuriated hr. I got the bootstraps story I've heard four decades: Cuban parents emigrate, stick private school-educated daughter in public school, then scrimp and save enough to send her to private school here. I spoke as a university instructor of 20+ years; I see the products every day; I made no judgment, merely made a statement of sociological fact. She insisted her parents had no prejudices, saw everyone the same, etc. I failed to convince her that, while true, these facts didn't negate what I said; they're unconscious forces at work which even the most honest liberals won't confront or fail to confront.

Well, it got loud. I don't know who you are anymore. You don't have children, so how could I possibly know, etc. She came close to remarking on my sexuality's impinging on my ability to comment on decisions about children, and it was my choice to live this way.

The last half of the evening crumbled to ash. Dad, surprisingly mute, said when he and I were alone (she had stormed off) that he agreed with me but...it doesn't matter. When arguing with parents, being right isn't the point -- is never the point. I share this delicacy in this thread because the story our parents tell themselves in order to live emphasize sacrifice and nobility; to rip them in half is to revoke their right to live. Throw in a few glasses of wine and you've got tasty pudding.

happy to report that this stint back home for dad is going much better so far. at Thanksgiving, he hurt his ankle and could barely walk, and we had to cart him everywhere and it was really difficult, but he's walking better than he has in a long time right now (knock on wood), with the use of his walker.

just glad to have him back.

It was lovely visiting home for the holidays after last year's impossibility but it was sobering to hear my dad say he's not sure if he'll be able to drive anymore due to issues with his ability to brake properly. He'll be looking into physical therapy and crossed fingers there, but without that his general mobility would be reduced to local walks in the neighborhood, definitely a vast change from how he's lived his adult life -- giving up bicycling a couple of years back due to balance concerns was frustrating enough for him but he still regularly gets on his spincycle at least. My mom's in good shape for driving, for now, so it's not like basic errands can't happen, but time does continue on. We'll just have to see.

apparently we got approved for a hospital bed and Hoyer Lift for dad? they're telling us there's a delivery date and everything?

logistically, it will be a challenge, but holy fuck, if this actually happens, what a huge help that would be. 90% of the reason I was afraid to be away from home at 10 pm is just that dad's bed is too high and hard to get into and has the wrong box spring so we can't lower it.

he seems to be constipated (again) so we got an x-ray, and his walking has degenerated a bit from where it was last week, but mom and I have had a good system and both of us definitely calmed a bit during the time off. the new wheelchair is also mega-nice.

bedside commode was a waste of money, he doesn't want to use it and we don't have a good place for it. trying to see if I can return it ("lol would you like my used toilet?")

Neanderthal, appreciate your posts here. My folks are thankfully ambulatory, driving, and in relative good health, but with my dad having had a heart attack, rehab, and recovery, this long-term caretaking future seems much closer. Reading your posts with all their awkward details helps lessen my fear of the unknown.

anytime! :) glad to be of help.

ixnay on the hospital bed/hoyer lift, apparently they aren't covered by insurance (lol shoulda known that) and too expensive. so we'll forego. but nbd. we're managing fine atm.

i have been home visiting my parents bc my dad is in a nursing home now thanks to that dud of dud diseases, parkinson's
lots of ups and downs over the last few months.

i am not sharing details for his privacy but i will say it has been truly heartbreaking. i don't use that term lightly, i keep my heart protected with a stone fortress and it still broke because of this. it's the absolute worst.

<3 LL, so sorry.

Neanderthal I about coughed up my coffee when I saw you were approved for an hosp bed and hoyer, because as lovely as that sounds, it would be straight up Medicare fraud if someone was trying to get that by--

It may be totally worth shopping around to see about a hospital bed rental. There are also places that have loan closets (like my org), and occasionally an HB may be available via loan closet. Check with your Area Agency on Aging (https://eldercare.acl.gov/Public/Index.aspx).

IANAD but a daily "bowel regimen" of colace and/or senna and/or metamucil is U&K for lots of folks, especially if they are not very mobile. I plan to put myself on said regimen as soon as the bowel problems start, which they pretty much invariably do at some point in aging.

LL I am terribly sorry. Some of my hardest hospice cases were advanced Parkinson's :(

I'm not surprised. It's absolutely the worst disease I have ever encountered.

what's funny, quincie, is you told me exactly that months ago and it wasn't until after my mom came in and told me "not covered" that I remembered "wait, quincie clearly told me this a long time ago". my memory is flighty lately.

we were supposed to put him on colace daily but mom was nervous after last discharge and now they told us to wait until x-ray is in, but i think he needs it asap.

One day, when the Aging Parent thread requests it, I can give the "sqwoosh vs. push" constipation med tutorial. I mean I can't believe I haven't been invited to do a TedTalk yet tbrr.