Kids say the darndest things

My 8yo was on the point of settling into the couch with a book when it was time for bed, and I said "please go brush your teeth before you become ensconced in literature". His response was "Sorry, pal, I don't even live in Wisconsin". Following that he got very into peering at the world map and trying to make geography-related puns and riddles, the best of which were:

What country does Santa live in? Pole-land.

What did Libya say to the country below it? Hey Chad, stop wearing me as a hat!

I don’t get the Wisconsin joke!

Not really a joke, just that “ensconced in” sounds like “Wisconsin”

Every time we watch something and there’s ominous music, 8yo daughter now says “Ah, ominous music.”

“Papa destroyed the blue Doritos last night “

We got our 7yo dressed up for his grandma’s birthday. He says, “This is what tap dancers wear. Or rich karate guys.”

These are all so great but actual lol at "rich karate guys."

Opal was looking at a paper doll set and recognizing all the characters and got excited and yelled I know who that is, it’s Cleopatrick!

Today, our son (will be 9 in a few months) told my wife that when he’s grown up and living on his own, he’ll visit her two weekends a month — “and I’ll visit daddy the other two.”

She was like, I think we’ll probably still be together… — and apparently he was very matter-of-fact about it (“Oh, OK… then I’ll visit you both”).

Putting aside the light humor of his assuming we’d be living apart (probably b/c both sets of his grandparents are divorced), it touches my heart when he makes plans for his future, in his still-innocent way. It’s hard to put into words… I guess it’s rooted in my knowing how different it will (in all likelihood) really be when he’s grown, and how I wish he really could be as close to us forever as he feels now.

Probably the most bittersweet thing he said as a toddler was: “When I’m grown up, I’m going to sleep in your bedroom with you and mommy.” Just this conception that he had, of everything in his world being stable and unchanged (except he would move into the grown-up room)… it kind of choked me up.

My 6yo is adamant he's never moving out and wants to live with us forever. And when he has learnt to cook he will make us lemon tart on Sundays.

Yeah, same. And at one point our son wanted to get one of those bunk beds which has a double on the bottom (for us) and a single on top (for him) when he is grown up.

We were reading something that referred to “artistic b.s.” He asked me what “BS” stands for, and I told him (he looked at me, startled). A little later, he asked what “i.e.” means… I told him (“In other words”). He goes: “So it’s not as bad as ‘b.s.’!”

Years ago, the boy and I were on a camping trip with his boy scout troop up high in one of the state parks.

We were making our way to a busy trail marked by a temporary sign set up saying, "BS TRAIL -->".

The boy asked me what "BS" stood for just as a mom was coming up the other way. "Ha!" she said as she walked by. "If you don't tell him now, he'll find out once he sees the view at the end of that trail."

At bedtime, he has me reading him the Wikipedia entry for Kang the Conquerer:

In his own time, Kang falls for the princess of one of his subject kingdoms, Ravonna, who does not return his feelings. In an attempt to demonstrate his power, he kidnaps the Avengers and, after several escape attempts on their part, subdues them and the rebellious kingdom with the help of his army.

He was watching one of those zany/postmodern cartoon shows, and came over to me laughing: "Listen to this joke... this show is set in modern times, and they're using MESSAGE BOARDS!"

#sickburn

Haha!

opal learned how to to ride pedal a bike last week. yesterday we were biking together around the unisphere in queens, she can't even start by herself so I was a bit nervous, but she was going fast and doing great, then while biking suddenly turns to me and says "Daddy...when you go glamping, can you still have s'mores?"

"Water doesn't have a taste. Which is thoughtful of it."

A: Mum my plasters have come off
Me, distracted (and the only adult in earshot): oh dear.
A: Does your name even begin with mum?

tough room

My kid recently got really into Hamilton; all he wants for his 9th bday is to see the show (we actually got tickets today).

This evening, after watching the Disney+ production for the 3rd or 4th time, he asked – "What's a whore?" (I was semi-prepared for this, having skimmed the Alexander Hamilton entry in Wikipedia; my usual source for halfheartedly exploring his interests.)

I told him I'd tell him once he brushed his teeth and got in bed. When I got in his room, he immediately asked: "What's a whore?" I laughed: "get in bed." "Ok... Why are you laughing? What's a whore?" (etc.)

Fortunately, we already had a somewhat tortured, big-picture talk a few months back (via a billboard saying "SEXUALLY RISKY?"), so I was able to give him a basic definition. What was funny was that he immediately concluded the term (which apparently is hurled as an insult) must have referred to Hamilton's father. "Yeah, he must have had sex for money and then left..."

lol <3

fun fact i asked my parents the exact same question at almost the exact same age (i might have been 10, cant remember) but it was because i had dubbed a copy of dookie and was listening to it on my walkman in the back of the car on a drive home. unsurprisingly my parents took the tape and used the answering machine to wipe it

apparently Opal thru a crying fit yesterday when my wife explained that Bedroom is spelled like Bed-Room and that there's no "j" in there. She was on the ground, tears pouring out "you mean, bedjroom isn't even a real word?"

loool aww
My sons both say 'corridle' instead of 'corridor'. I haven't the heart to correct them/don't want to get into an argument wherein my elder one is convinced he knows everything

Our family conversations are riddled with words which we (a) never corrected because they were too cute and (b) adopted for ourselves.

my mum said hostpital till the day she died (ironically in a hostpital)

the one time i gently corrected her she said "yes i know but my way is better"

My kid said "preNtzel" when he was about 3. He's 8 now, and he and I both still say it that way sometimes.

My kid says that! (maybe he's stopped just recently)

When he was really little, he pronounced ice cream as "ASSHHH-cream"... I thought it was really funny / was kinda bummed when he stopped.

i said “hopstipal” for a long time
mum or dad got me on the right track by getting me to say “horse piddle” instead lol

We have so many of those. blanklet is one that's stuck with me.

I think bedjroom is great.

also: as a toddler my brother couldnt pronounce the V sound and substituted V words with B so Valda our neighbor became “Balfa”, and my mum who everyone called Viv became “Bip”

which i still find hilarious & everyone in the family uses them still

We were walking home from school recently and a girl in my kid's 1st grade class was near us and when she turned at the corner she pointed at my son and said "I'M SENDING YOU TO HELL". He smiled at pointed back and said "NO, I'M SENDING YOU TO HELL".

I looked back and saw the girl's mom crouched down talking to her, so I went back and talked a bit - the mom wasn't offended at all, but was wondering where her daughter picked up this phrase. I realized that my kid had picked it up the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episode where Ned Flanders was the devil which was kind of a relief to her.

This prompted a discussion on the rest of the walk home about how some people actually get really offended at the use of 'damn' and 'hell', which to him were no where near as bad as some of the other words we constantly use but only at home. We talked about heaven and hell and christianity and crosses, which he realized explained the '"t" necklace' the girl in his class wears (which of course was an arrested development joke and I lost my shit).

Anyway it finished up with talking about mono vs polytheism which led to us googling pictures of hindu deities which he compared favorably to pokemon.

Have you guys seen this? Flight of the Conchords interview a bunch of cute NZ kids and then write a song with their responses:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=py_30jZGUYk

My kid recently went through a week of saying "Jah," b/c he learned about how some say that to avoid using the name of God (he wanted to hedge his bets, I guess).

— bob marley

the one time i gently corrected her she said "yes i know but my way is better"

lol finally we get the mark s origin story

7yo said the 11yo's wrestling name should be "the masked boner"

she meant bc he is bony

Opal's best friend Peter, also 2 months shy of 5 years old said "I remember that time we went to the contest. It was raining and we were at grandma and grandpa's and had signs"

It was a black lives matter protest. Not contest.

awww

i had a jazz record on last night - grant green - and i mentioned his solo, and my 13yo is like “you mean guitars can…. solo?” and i was like wow, we’ve come a long way, baby

"I like blood, but only when it's in a body, not when it's coming out"

otm

A public swimming pool near our place was recently demolished. When the fence had been put up and they were getting ready to knock it down, my kid (6 or 7 at the time) said "A swimming pool is the only building you can murder because the water is like the blood flowing out".

"Did she legally change her name to Babe Ruth, or did people just start calling her that?"

lolololol these are wonderful! I just got caught up and I love all of your amazing genius children.

Probably the most bittersweet thing he said as a toddler was: “When I’m grown up, I’m going to sleep in your bedroom with you and mommy.” Just this conception that he had, of everything in his world being stable and unchanged (except he would move into the grown-up room)… it kind of choked me up.

I remember when my friend's two sons thought they would always live with their mom, and she must have said something like, "But what if you want to get married?" and they said one of them would go find a wife and bring her back home to live--they agreed that the one who was better at kissing had better do it.

-I want a spy kit.

-Who would you spy on?

-My parents. Or if there was a poodle walking down the street I would spy on it. "Operation Sus Poodle".

A riddle.

What did Libya say to the country just south of it?

Hey Chad, stop wearing me as a hat!

When we're sitting down and our two-year-old wants us to stand up, she now says "Daddy get up your bum" "Mummmy get up your bum". She also likes squatting over a drain and yelling BIG FART BIG FART. Very proud. GET UP YOUR BUM