Depression and what it's really like

Maelin are you me? No, I am thankful that my family is mostly supportive while still mostly dysfunctional. I certainly empathize with your situation though. The cycle of isolation and rumination has really been hitting me hard lately, but seasonal changes do affect me too. I take vitamin D to help with SAD, if your budget isn't too limited maybe you could try it too, just to see if it helps get you over the hump.

From a distance what you describe sounds like you're coping with a recent loss (or losses). I find that my mood is generally strongly influenced by my expectations of the future. Recently having had some major setbacks with regards to my prospects in the near term has led me to this place where I feel like I need to carefully manage my mood much of the time.

I will also note that being in London in general made me feel quite isolated, I found basically everywhere else I went in the UK much more welcoming. The level of gentrification in London leaves me feeling almost totally left out. Maybe it feels more like home to you tho. (Personally Edinburgh would be my first stop if I was forced to find somewhere to settle in Britain, sorry hope that doesn't seem blithe.)

thanks for chiming in viborg. i feel you. my tenancy ends in february, and i'll likely move back to the endless woods & beautiful nature of leeds, yorkshire. it's the only place that's ever felt like home to me. i literally have no idea what i'm doing here; i thought it'd be exciting, but i should have known it'd be ridiculously hard to meet people. i find major cities in the uk are much the same now to be honest, but pockets and rural corners and coastlines keep me feeling alive and in touch with the world better. life is fast and noisy almost everywhere now, even online. i hope your vit D helps. i take magnesium, valerian, iron. finally getting bored of drinking at least, so that's helping

all the best to you, maelin. hope you can find nourishing ppl and pockets of London while you’re there.

not doing great today. really haven’t felt like doing anything lately. minimal interest in stuff. Low attention span. Don’t even feel like reading books or following sports. Just kinda feeling like that Marcin Gortat interview where he talked about being alone and just staring at a wall during the off-season. why do I remember that interview?

Cheers Maelin. It's true that I did seem to actually notice some of the same people when I was in London and Edinburgh, maybe they aren't so distinct.

Brimstead that's tough, I can almost always find motivation to read. Are you getting some exercise if possible? If I can't find any motivation to do anything else just going on a walk sometimes helps. But I'm sure for some folks it can just be draining on top of all the other crap, if it's an option at all.

Lots of great semi-wild walking paths in Edinburgh at least, I didn't find that in London.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, fucking fuck, fuck. truth & language can only gesture at each other across an abyss but/and/therefore FUCK

are you on 77 cat? we have a depresso thread there that's google proofed (it's the one i tend to read at least, for that reason)

sorry you're feeling bad <3

thanx karl, i'll be okay <3 reckon i oughta weasel my way onna 77 at last, i hear they have photos relevant to my interests anyway

(don’t want anyone 2 feel like they need to throw me a lifeline or anything, i always get through this, just want to wallow a little)

well, sometimes it takes a minute to get added on there so feel free to wallow here if you want. :) i am drinking a pbr and little children are laughing and playing in the dark outside. i'm listening to GAS Zauberberg and everything is very intense and crackly. :-O

that sounds really nice. we have wind here that’s been saying variations on WHOOSH since yesterday, just infinite whooshings.

hey you know a super cool way to live yr life is to put off doing things that you know will make you feel bad until multiple deadlines are on you like that scene where the alien is snuffling ripley’s face, except there are several aliens, but you kind of just want to let the deadlines go by anyway because fuck everything, how bad can it really be to get torn apart by aliens? this is my lifestyle guru brand.

ugh, do you have a regular work schedule i guess, heading back in tomorrow? sometimes sunday nights are the woooorst if you're dreading going back in

it’s money stuff, and family stuff, and death stuff, and work stuff. everything is cool, everything will be okay, just gonna do the damn things and then i will live happily ever after, nothing but blue skies and green lights forever more! no, everything will be like it is now but maybe not worse. well i mean of course everything will get worse but at least not in certain particular ways which can be prevented by my doing the damn things. whoosh whoosh whoosh, says the wind. pls stfu already, i tell the wind. i freaking get it, whoosh, now stop. wind continues whooshing.

I know this is absolutely the worst place for me to turn, given that I’ve bee posting here for something like 15 years and only seem to constantly put my foot in my mouth, but any void to shout in seems as good as any other… I’m really struggling right now. Shit is hard. I guess just be patient with each other.

sorry <3

hey jon, it's not at all the worst place to turn. not for me, at least. you can share what's been happening if you want. feels good, sometimes. either way, don't feel bad for talking about it. <3

and i'm up, so hey

Void shouts back, I dig your posts jon! putting our internal thoughts up on this board for a bunch of virtual strangers to misinterpret, make a joke of, disagree or just outright ignore is dicey communication, let alone therapy, but sometimes it sparks a connection that makes it worth continuing and you've been that connection for me before so thank you. Hold away despair.

Thanks Karl and BrianB, appreciate it. Hoping it’s just a combination of SAD kicking in, post holiday blues and not having had therapy for a few weeks coupled with the bleak Omicron news, but it’s been a rough few days.

putting our internal thoughts up on this board for a bunch of virtual strangers to misinterpret, make a joke of, disagree or just outright ignore is dicey communication

There is a much more active 'depression' thread on the 77 board, where only those who've been granted access may read or respond to your internal thoughts. No random googlers or raw ilx newbies. It's a safer space for these discussions.

You may request 77 access via a thread on the mod board. In the case of long term ilxors, access is granted almost automatically.

i usually like to make a wise-ass remark though, during the intensive 77 review committee process. beware!

Ugh, really frustrated with how my brain is working against me lately.

in what way(s)? sorry you're not feeling good lately.

i'm sure the SAD is not helping right now either, it is bleak out there

Thanks. Hesitant to go into too much detail, but basically I know my brain is feeding me these false narratives but I can't shake the part that wants to believe them.

it's ok, no need to go into detail.

narratives. i think of everything from the story of my life and what i've been telling myself (lying, exaggerating, discouraging, self-deprecating during most of my life, trying to believe that the future, or at least my future, really will be better, currently). i also think about those countless day-to-day moments -- i'm going into the store, the way i walk around, the way i get in other people's way, the narrative of a person with a shopping cart full of nothing but 2 pizzas, coffee, and toilet paper, or what the Schnucks "scan your own shit so we can fire more of our workers" supervisor thinks of me when they check my ID for booze for the 5th time in a week, when i'm not doing well.

i think, from speaking to a therapist for a few years, that some people (including myself, maybe you) spend a lot of their time thinking in grand narratives like the former, or feeling excruciatingly nervous and anxious about some of the day-to-day ones. and then, i think some people don't have narratives at all. i don't know if that's better or worse, but i would love to step into the narrative-free zone for several weeks and just forget all context

Yeah, the narrative thing is a long struggle for me and most times, since I've started therapy, I've been able to recognize this and find ways to counteract and redirect the thoughts. But, at times like now, I am struggling on multiple levels and I feel like I've lost the ability to push back on them. Something that I know should amount to a minor annoyance instead gnaws at me and I turn into an example of why I'm a failure or why I'm just a disappointment to everyone else. And during rough times, these examples pile up and the narrative drives.

It's just frustrating that I know this is what is happening, but I can't seem to slow it down. If any of this makes sense.

it makes a lot of sense. i by no means think i'm "out of it", (i will always have to manage my depression) but a couple things you said there are things i spent pretty much 4 years of therapy saying, over and over:

"I've been able to recognize this and find ways to counteract and redirect the thoughts."
and
"It's just frustrating that I know this is what is happening, but I can't seem to slow it down"

those two things together, are incredibly frustrating. you (we) can do it, sometimes, and you have an idea of what you're supposed to do, you just...can't. for months or years. i'm glad they were getting paid to listen to me, because it must have been tedious for my therapist to hear me say "ugh, i know i should just get off the couch and turn off my computer and go for a walk or do some exercise, and i just can't do it! the whole day passes and then it's too late", or something like that.

i don't know. sorry, i know i'm not helping. it's great you already have a therapist and someone to talk to about that kind of stuff. that feels like the most important thing. then, the tedious process (for the therapist and you) of trying to do the thing that you think you're supposed to do, whether that's a mental check on self-narration or forcing yourself to get outside even though it's cold as hell, forgiving yourself for all the times that you don't, and just keep going.

No, it is helpful to bounce this off someone, actually. I think the work week makes it harder, especially now that I'm back in the office full time, so the things I know that might help distract me or help me refocus have to wait until... well, sometime, I guess.

:) thanks, i'm glad i'm not making it worse, at least.

if you're feeling this way and holding down a regular job, you're already a champion in my book. the world is too much right now, and everyone else is going through it as well

No, trust me, it helps to be reminded I'm not the only one struggling with this stuff.

Something that I know should amount to a minor annoyance instead gnaws at me and I turn into an example of why I'm a failure or why I'm just a disappointment to everyone else

this is a really horrible cycle, and I am super familiar with it. Recently, I was totally mired in a form of this, "I am totally the wrong person to be doing this work, and I am annoying everyone I work with, and they would prefer someone other than me to be working with them, but they're just being nice about it and not telling me this to my face." ... but the thing is, I am the person they are working with. I am what they have/have chosen. ... and honestly, I think many of them are also having similar feelings, like they are the wrong person, or that they are annoying me. It sounds corny af but, you've just gotta try to be the best "you" you can be, and that's all anyone can do.

xp

i think most people are struggling, or at least a lot more than they let on in day-to-day life. but also, a lot of people are in positions where they feel they should not appear vulnerable or personal (at an office job, or at least some offices, for example), or they just cannot let themselves get down because too many different people are depending on them (all people with children, or taking care of others). if i had anyone depending on me, (maybe) i wouldn't be able to let myself fall into 3-5 day crashes of total defeat, maybe that total defeat would take place entirely within my head, perhaps as i sat through another completely bullshit meeting where some idiot talks for 2 hours about something that should have been covered in 5 minutes. is it better to let that play out over days instead, at home? or is it better to say "it is what it is", set your face so that you appear normal, and then later get to the car and scream by yourself? i honestly don't know

some idiot talks for 2 hours about something that should have been covered in 5 minutes.

the idiot might also be struggling, and taking 2 hours to talk because he feels he needs to cover up his inadequacy by going on at such great length

haha, this is true!

and perhaps the manager in the room won't cut them off because they're struggling with some feedback they recently received that they interrupt people too frequently

hell is other people is how i break it down to an extent. we are all frankies

and honestly, I think many of them are also having similar feelings, like they are the wrong person, or that they are annoying me. It sounds corny af but, you've just gotta try to be the best "you" you can be, and that's all anyone can do.

this really is a good point

i think this was something ilxor bamcquern said to me or someone else many year back ... just giving credit where it's due

I wonder if, for me, a lot of these feelings are exacerbated (or just mirrored) by having been immersed in art and stories since childhood.
You become used to an author or songwriter crafting critical portraits of characters with tiny telling details -- "See how this person's whole life is built on hypocrisy and lies through this seemingly irrelevant trifle!" But in real life, I'm the character and the trifle is seeing a missing cat poster or a coupon expiring. And of course, the silly unimportance of the event and my disproportionate emotional reaction makes me feel even more absurd, more laughable, in the imagined eyes of some superego who somehow is qualified to judge every human action.

For me it's also about internalizing the choices and behavior of someone else, instead of recognizing it for what it most likely really is. Like, that guy that was a complete dick about things in a meeting on Friday was most likely just having a bad day, or caught up in his own internal battles, and I should just write it off as such. Instead, I spend an inordinate amount of time scrutinizing myself and trying to figure out what I might have done wrong to "deserve" his attitude. And, when I realize I did everything I needed to do and was 100% prepared and on top of things, rather than letting go, I still dig at myself and start imagining it's some larger failure of my own that I can't somehow grasp.

i wrote (and deleted before posting) something earlier that touches on both of the last two posts, but i realize that absolutely no one wants to hear about my lack of a relationship with god, jesus, or a deity, and that no one cares how fucked up white evangelicals are and what they do to children's minds. but since i'm in a depression thread, FUCK IT -

halfway - that 100% resonates with me because until i renounced god, i believed god was watching me and that others might be watching me. of course i was a character with a narrative, i grew up being told that i was smart and would be able to accomplish whatever i wanted and that god was watching me and guiding me. i realize that doesn't connect with many other people's experiences, at all. but i have to believe that there is something to that, christian god but long before that of course, the idea that heavenly bodies or figures are watching, that someone at all is watching.

jon - the post i was writing before was more related to the thought of what comes after that, what comes after the realization that no god is watching. the realization is, pretty much no one else is watching or paying attention to you, either. that person who was a complete dick on Friday? they didn't think about you all afterward, probably, and even if they did, they probably thought of what you did and got it COMPLETELY wrong because they would have warped whatever happened into their own sense of personal narrative. that would suck, but it's comforting that it's so much more likely that they didn't think of you at all, afterward. in some ways it's horrifying that no one is paying attention, in other ways that can be freeing

of course, i say this while constantly worrying what everyone thinks of me and trying and failing not to piss anyone off. "i know what i should do, i just can't do it!" full circle.

"but i'm trying my best", full circle.

these cycles of self-hatred will always be there. the only thing that matters is that you keep going and keep trying your best, and forgive yourself for all the times you will inevitably fuck up

yeah! like Karl's christian god is the same superego /omniscient narrator / imaginary audience that judges us and finds us lacking or ridiculous or pathetic

I am more and more convinced that my self-hate voice is my dad

No blame really but there he is, reminding me I'm not good enough

Xps to Jon:
I’m not sure if what you’re dealing with quite fits but I’d suggest loooking into rejection-sensitivite dysphoria

xp - mine is this sociopathic dude i dated in college

I am more and more convinced that my self-hate voice is my dad

No blame really but there he is, reminding me I'm not good enough

i have this bias, brain habit, presumption or whatever (another spicy artifact of my childhood, wahey!) where whenever i see a powerful entity behaving abominably with no negative consequences (to itself at least), it reaffirms this sense of a fundamental cosmic injustice that is wrong but unfixable, and it makes me feel bad. and i keep seeing it everywhere, and it keeps making me feel bad. but not like michael jackson bad, where i’m cool and a great dancer, just the kind of bad where i want to go curl up in a ball in the closet for a thousand years.

p.s. the futility and meaninglessness of every action i take is kind of making me loathe everything i have to do, in a sideshow bob v. rakes stylee

hell is other people and hell is also me, it’s hells all the way down

this has been the cat report. sorry it’s shit. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯