Wanna know why Elvis' letter was marked "Return to Sender"?
He didn't have the Stamps yet!
― pplains, Friday, 22 October 2021 13:30 (two years ago) link
!!
― StanM, Friday, 22 October 2021 14:19 (two years ago) link
why do you see so many stickers for feeding tube records?
because every time you release a record on feeding tube they give you a sticker as a reward
― global tetrahedron, Friday, 22 October 2021 16:52 (two years ago) link
Elvis joke is A+. Kudos, pp.
― Double Chocula (James Redd and the Blecchs), Friday, 22 October 2021 16:54 (two years ago) link
So, a lot of people don't know this, but John Cage wrote 4'33" for his wife. He said he would have really liked her to perform it, but she never did.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Wednesday, 12 January 2022 05:00 (two years ago) link
*taps mic*
So, folks, how about these supply chain problems?
It's getting so bad, that I heard A$AP Rocky is changing his name to $hipping Delay Rocky
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 31 January 2022 17:06 (two years ago) link
What's Cathy Guisewite's favorite Public Enemy album?
It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us BAAACK
― peace, man, Friday, 11 February 2022 00:33 (two years ago) link
I clicked that fully expecting to see “Fear of an AACK Planet”
― i cannot help if you made yourself not funny (forksclovetofu), Friday, 11 February 2022 02:30 (two years ago) link
Oh shit! I didn't even think about that. Her favorite Outkast record is Aackquemini.
― peace, man, Friday, 11 February 2022 02:38 (two years ago) link
We tried a new vegan recipe last night, but the soy-based protein we used must have been off, because the dish tasted awful... you could say it was bad tempeh-ed.
― brain (krakow), Friday, 11 February 2022 12:17 (two years ago) link
What kind of necklace did the goth goose wear?
Ankh ('onk!)
― peace, man, Monday, 14 February 2022 13:32 (two years ago) link
Q: What’s Cathy’s favorite AC/DC album?
A: Highway to Hell. She’s a Bon Scott purist.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 14 February 2022 13:38 (two years ago) link
But for her favorite song, she's torn between Let There Be Shops and Big Malls.
― peace, man, Monday, 14 February 2022 13:50 (two years ago) link
Lol
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 14 February 2022 13:58 (two years ago) link
Let Me Put My Love Into Irving
― pplains, Monday, 14 February 2022 14:53 (two years ago) link
What do you call a jazz musician with an aire of moral superiority?
Sanctimonious Monk
― sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 16 February 2022 01:53 (two years ago) link
young woman drove to a restaurant that she had read about online. There were no reviews yet on Yelp, but the title was intriguing, as it suggested fresh local food and produce as opposed to processed foods.
She sat down at a table, and a waiter immediately came over. She indicated she would like a water and asked for a menu. The waiter nodded, then walked away. All of a sudden, she smelled a rancid smell that made her want to gag.
After taking a walk outside to breathe fresh air, she returned to her table to see the waiter bringing her a glass of water and putting down a menu. No sooner did she sit down, but the stank aroma was back. But it was not lingering scent from before, it was a new scent. The woman again had to go outside to get some fresh air, and was starting to get frustrated. She had a mind to tell them she was a prime Yelp reviewer when she returned inside.
When she came back inside, she started drinking her water, and began looking at the menu, and was surprised to see it full of mundane American bar food like sliders and chicken nuggets. When the waiter got back, the woman began to ask questions about the menu, and was shocked when she heard that all of the items were frozen, not locally sourced at all. Most of it was microwaved.And then the smell hit again, and this time she actually started weeping tears it was so stinky. She got angry and demanded to see a manager.
When he arrived, she began to vent: "I've been here twenty minutes only to be treated to the rankest of smells, and also, I can't believe that unlike your advertising, none of this food is locally sourced from local farmers, and in fact, is all frozen! Who do you think you are?"
The manager looked confused - "I'm sorry, but we never claimed to be any of those things."
The lady's nostrils flared, and she said "BUT IT SAYS SO ON YOUR MENU".
The manager realized what was going on and said "Ugh, I was afraid of this. Ma'am, please take a look at the menu once again."
The lady looked down and was horrified to see that the menu actually said "Fart to Table".
― sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Monday, 28 February 2022 21:06 (two years ago) link
i'll see myself out
A man named Marty wanted to buy weed, but his usual connect had fallen through. A friend of a friend told him of a new hookup, who had a wide variety of weed for sale, some mediocre, some really high quality kush that was usually hard to acquire.
So Marty called the new hookup. The weed seller was very specific.
"You will meet me in the White Castle parking lot. You will honk twice. You will show me your ID, so I know who you are. You will lift your shirt, so I will know you aren't wearing a wire. And you will pay...in cash. The transaction will conclude in five minutes."
Marty found this weird, but he did as he said. He showed up at the White Castle, and honked twice. A slender young man walked out and got into his car, and told him to pull around the back.
"ID", he demanded. Marty produced his driver's license, which said "Marty Owens" at the top.
"Show me your tits", he demanded. Marty lifted his shirt, showed him he wasn't wearing a wire.
"Alright, you're good. It's $10 a gram.", and offered Marty a pre-lit joint if he wanted to try it.
Marty tried it, but was disappointed. "This stuff is pretty mediocre. I was told you had higher quality, premium weed too!"
The weed salesman replied "Sorry, Marty O, but our preem sess is in another Castle".
― sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 2 March 2022 18:18 (two years ago) link
(requires a "Luke, I am your father" misremembering of the actual Mario quote to work, but w/e)
― sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 2 March 2022 18:19 (two years ago) link
Didn't you just see yourself out two days ago?
― pplains, Wednesday, 2 March 2022 20:14 (two years ago) link
i never got around to it. I will now exit twice!
― sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 2 March 2022 20:25 (two years ago) link
Oh c'mon that's a good joke
― flamboyant goon tie included, Wednesday, 2 March 2022 20:38 (two years ago) link
You Only Leave Twice
― pplains, Wednesday, 2 March 2022 22:42 (two years ago) link
For your FPs Only
― sorry Mario, but our princess is in another butthole (Neanderthal), Wednesday, 2 March 2022 23:20 (two years ago) link
Said to my dog while walking in the rain:
"It's that time in your life when you're going through muddypaws."
― change display name (Jordan), Thursday, 24 March 2022 18:41 (two years ago) link
woof
― peace, man, Thursday, 24 March 2022 18:51 (two years ago) link
A few years ago I started a bedmaking business. Unfortunately, it folded in the downturn.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Friday, 8 April 2022 19:46 (one year ago) link
Reminds me of the time I almost invested in a local fast-casual sushi chain. I pulled out when it turned out to be a ponzu scheme.
― budo jeru, Friday, 8 April 2022 22:07 (one year ago) link
Why isn't Tampa International Airport called Tampa-X ? Think of the sponsorship opportunity!
― StanM, Sunday, 10 April 2022 15:48 (one year ago) link
― budo jeru, Friday, April 8, 2022 5:07 PM (two days ago) bookmarkflaglink
I was briefly partners in a Japanese-Italian fusion restaurant with one of the guys from Los Lobos. Made a great no-soy marinara.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Sunday, 10 April 2022 16:36 (one year ago) link
^ lol
― StanM, Sunday, 10 April 2022 16:53 (one year ago) link
I started a condom business but I pulled out
― Otto Insurance (Boring, Maryland), Monday, 11 April 2022 00:01 (one year ago) link
My novella publishing imprint filed chapter 11
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 11 April 2022 02:20 (one year ago) link
I invested in a company designing mausoleums in a faux ancient egyptian style... never mind.
― ledge, Monday, 11 April 2022 08:57 (one year ago) link
My part-synthetic pillow business is down 60%
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 11 April 2022 12:35 (one year ago) link
Not saying it's sloppy work, but you can definitely tell where my Barcelona team has been cutting corners.
― pplains, Monday, 11 April 2022 12:50 (one year ago) link
Basketball players do make a lot of money, but it's only the net income that gets attention.
― pplains, Monday, 11 April 2022 12:52 (one year ago) link
lotta lols
― flow, my crimson tears (flamboyant goon tie included), Monday, 11 April 2022 13:08 (one year ago) link
Doula business is already tough in this tight labor market, and now we're expecting a contraction
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 11 April 2022 13:11 (one year ago) link
I tried offering tours of the bazaar, but the market was too crowded. And my porcelain factory couldn't compete with China.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Monday, 11 April 2022 14:20 (one year ago) link
lol
― the cat needs to start paying for its own cbd (map), Monday, 11 April 2022 15:02 (one year ago) link
Are you all making these up? These are suspiciously actually funny.
― o. nate, Thursday, 14 April 2022 20:36 (one year ago) link
ILX0RS can be quite funny, despite what you may read on the EXCELSIOR! threads.
― Anita Quatloos (James Redd and the Blecchs), Thursday, 14 April 2022 20:45 (one year ago) link
lol, p sure I mine up. I'm actually a pretty prolific dadjoke writer, to my kids' dismay. The day I posted those, I actually came up with dozens of other variations in a kind of coffee-fueled fugue state.
However it's not impossible I absorbed some of them from somewhere else a while back.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 14 April 2022 20:49 (one year ago) link
*p sure I *made* mine up
Others from the same streak:
My earthquake damage assessment company went into defaultI lost my hairline restoration career to the recessionScuba instruction business went underFuneral parlor is deadTried day trading but I'm almost out of optionsI lost my bowling alley after the strikeBarely keeping the lights on at my solar-powered chandelier storeBungee jumping business fell off a cliffLost the cookware store in the pandemicvolcano purchase finance company went bankrupttried to get into the extra-tall fence and gate business, but the barriers to entry were too highgrain silo is barley survivinglost a lot of money in shipwreck exploration, but it's a sunk costmy tennis pro shop got smashed after I didn't pay into the protection racket. These guys really went over the line. It would have been a net loss either way, so I can't fault myself for having the balls to say no.
― longtime caller, first time listener (man alive), Thursday, 14 April 2022 20:56 (one year ago) link
You can still shoehorn a 'love' into that last one
― Andy the Grasshopper, Thursday, 14 April 2022 21:07 (one year ago) link
My boomerang company also fell off a cliff, because I totally forgot about it. But then it all came back to me.
― The Sarsgaard-Skarsgård Scotchgard (weatheringdaleson), Thursday, 14 April 2022 21:23 (one year ago) link
What is the black bloc anarchist's favorite appetizer of olives and cheeses?
Antifapasto
― Muad'Doob (Moodles), Friday, 27 May 2022 01:49 (one year ago) link